Tomorrow's the day that Britain goes to the polls to select its alpha - the pinnacle of our entire race, the one human who has risen to the top of our society, and been deemed most worthy of leading us into an uncertain future. 

Sadly, for those of a gaming "bent", the leaders of our political parties have thus far failed to comment on where they'd stand regarding the issue of computer games.

Here, to give you some idea of who to vote for, the leaders offer up their vision of the perfect computer game.

When I was a kid, my nightmares were equal parts thrilling and harrowing.

I recall one particularly stressful dream, which involved a tyrannosaurus rex - bright pink, as if it had been skinned alive - trying to eat me through my bedroom window. It smashed its snarling head and maw through the glass, as I cowered beneath my bed... before, of course, a UFO appeared, picked up the house in a cone of light, and started spinning it around faster and faster and faster and faster and faster... 

A few years later, three workmen came to the house to install a new water tank in the loft. I'd only seen two leave. In my dreams that night, the third man emerged from the loft hatch with a knife, and crept into my bedroom.

I trembled beneath the sheets as he approached, reaching out for me with his free hand... and the second he snatched back the covers, I woke up with a scream, like what people do in films and that.

In the terrifying nightmare I had a few nights ago, I was heading off on holiday when I realised at the airport that I'd forgotten my contact lenses. After I woke, it bothered me for the entire day.

Fortunately, Little Nightmares leans more towards the former sorts of nightmare...

I appreciate that this review is late, but please allow me to explain. You see, it is late for this many reasons: ONE HUNDRED REASONS!!!

Reason one is this reason: Been busy. Reasons two through one-hundo are this: I didn't much love the otherwise much-loved classic 3D platformer Banjo-Kazooie, which Yooka-Laylee is - in all but name and official license - a sequel to.

Consequently, I just couldn't work up the enthusiasm to play it. Yes: what a hairy plum of a man I am.

By all accounts, I should've loved Banjo-Kazooie. It was a game by Rare - a developer not unknown for doing well good games - arriving at a time when decent 3D platformers were still a relative novelty.

And yet... to me it compared unfavourably to Super Mario 64, in the same way that I felt that Rare's Donkey Kong Country games paled next to Nintendo's own 2D platformers. Solid... but somehow... I dunno. I still can't put my finger on it, even after all these years.

It was as if... you know when you eat something that mostly tastes fine, but there's something a bit funny about it - like, a flavour you can't quite identify? Sort of as if there was a tiny splash of soy sauce in an otherwise really lovely "Brown Derby sundae", and that somehow taints the overall experience. For me, that's what Banjo-Kazooie and Donkey Kong Country were like.

But what a difference those years make. I'm not the cynical, scattershot edgy, youth that I once was. Being old-ish, things that I pretended to be irritated by in my prime are now coloured with the wistful glaze of nostalgia.

Whereas once I might've scoffed, now I'll happily watch hours of vintage footage of Richard Stilgoe barking rhythmically in an allotment, or eat my way gladly through a packet of Findus Crispy Pancakes that expired in 1991, 

2017 marks 30 years since the launch of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles animated series. Though Michelangelo, Raphael, Donny Osmond and Leon Trotsky had already been around for some years, first appearing in Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird's comics series, it wasn't until the cartoon, and subsequent toy line, that they became a full-fat phenomenon.

As with any phenomenon, there comes countless imitators attempting to clamber aboard the bandwagon, and the years following the Turtles cartoon saw numerous efforts to grab some of the anthropomorphised glory/millions of dollars.

Here are just ten of them.