Video Games without all the boring bits

FINDING MY FAVOURITE GAME by Mr Biffo

15/5/2015

What's your favourite game ever? I could - at a push - probably name my favourite musical album ever. I could, potentially, name my favourite movie ever, and my favourite book ever.

But my favourite game? It damages my brain to try and boil it down to a definitive.

The game I've completed more than any other is Half-Life 2. I still remain seduced by the atmosphere of that world, all that fannying around with the Gravity Gun, and the constant barrage of ideas, but I'm done with it now. As beautifully designed as it might be, it's stating to show its age next to current-gen titles, and I'm over-familiar with its tricks.

As I've stated before, the game I've had the strongest emotional connection to is The Last of Us. The story might be slight, but it engaged me. It involved me. I've never felt like I cared what happened to a games character before it, but I've played it through twice now, and I know what to expect. I don't want to play through it again: that big shock at the end of the second act would lose its impact a third time. Its narrative linearity is, ultimately, to its detriment.

The game I've played the most is, probably, either COD: Modern Warfare or Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved - the former for the online play, the latter for obsessively trying to beat my high scores. These days I rarely play online, because most of my mates now have better things to do, and though I'm still occasionally playing Geometry Wars 3: Dimensions, even that has lost its hold on me.

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5 ORIGINAL VIDEO GAME APOCALYPSES

15/5/2015

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As some of you may be aware, Mad Max: Fury Road is released in cinemas this weekend. Fuelling our never-ending lust for post-apocalyptic fiction, the Mad Max series can take credit for inspiring countless post-apocalyptic video games

Borderlands, Fallout, Stalker, Rage - it just never gets old... although it does sometimes feel as if originality is in as short supply following the fall of civilisation as oil, water and soap.

Still, we've trawled the mutant-infested wastelands to find five post-apocalyptic video games that attempted to do things differently.

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5 FORGOTTEN VIDEO GAME "NASTIES"

13/5/2015

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In just a couple of weeks, Hatred will be released on Steam. The controversial mass murder 'em up has generated headlines since it was first announced, and left us confused as to whether it's something we might want to play, or something we feel obliged to be utterly appalled by (conclusion: whatever).

However, Hatred isn't the first video game that's gone all-out to shock, like a sweary, stomping, pubescent in a Wotsit-stained Skrillex t-shirt. Here are five equally desperate games whose intention was to seemingly outrage the delicate sensibilities of the "general" public, and/or their parents.

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ASSASSIN'S CREED SYNDICATE: TRAILER ANALYSIS

13/5/2015

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Oh look: the next full-blown Assassin's Creed title has been named (Syndicate), and we've been graced with a trailer.

We know these things: it's set in Victorian London during the Industrial Revolution. We know you'll play a character called Jacob Fishenchips. And we know - based upon the pre-alpha gameplay footage - that it'll look Unity-pretty, you'll be able use ziplines, "handsome crabs" and "carry-ages" to speed through the "'ustle and bustle" of the city. It'll also probably be filled with every cliche about Victorian London that you can possibly imagine. Otherwise, it looks like business as usual.

So that you don't have to, we've broken down the trailer, and formed a series of opinions that we suggest you appropriate as your own. Click through for this, please. Please click through for this.

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THE MAN'S DADDY'S JOKES

12/5/2015

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Hello. I'm a popular comedian called The Man's Daddy. You might have heard of me: I recently put a leaflet through your door telling you who I am. I don't know why. I guess I just really want people to know who I am.

Oh well. I doubt it matters that much.

This week I've been trying really hard to come up with some new jokes, but I keep falling asleep, and rolling out of my hammock. I suppose I should probably suspend the hammock from some ropes or something, rather than just spreading it out on a slope. Never mind. It'll be fine. Here are the few jokes I managed to get done. I hope they're ok. Bye then.

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GAMING SPEEDNEWS - With Comments by "Baz" Feed

11/5/2015

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You YOLO live once, brah! "Baz" Feed hella up in your grill here, ready to take on board the latest gaming newza, viewza and chewza. Bo!

But don't be wasting my time, mah frizzle. I got some epic shiz and biz to be getting down wiz. I am cray busy, brah. I gotta get to my fair-trade banjo class at six on the hour, and then have to paint up some banners for the anti-democracy rally me and Jonty Pippin are organising on Tumblr. The name of our movement? "Dem' Bonerz". LOL out loud.

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10 EXCITING ZANGIEF COSPLAYERS - With Comments by Chart Cat

10/5/2015

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Well, hello there, my sweet young buck. What brings you to Swallows Wine Bar? I can't recall seeing you in here before. Do you smoke? If you're fervid, we could nip round the back and share a few cheeky drags. Do you go French? I recently picked up a carton of Gauloise leaf on my way back from the Continent, and I do like to share my shag.

While I roll us something, why don't I divert you with my favourite Zangief cosplayers? You know Zangief - he's the burly swain from the Street Fighter franchise. That's it - reach into my pocket, and pull out my list... My hands are otherwise occupied with getting our gaspers together.

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REVIEW: PROJECT CARS (PS4/Xbox One/PC)

10/5/2015

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So very, very dull.

Brrm brrrrrrm. That's the noise cars make, isn't it? And aren't cars exciting?

It's no wonder Jeremy Clarkson keeps punching producers in the mouth - spending all day surrounded by cars, he's probably in a near-constant state of over-excitement, and has no other outlet for the gallons of adrenaline that are coursing through his veins, like a furious river.

So. Yeah. Phwoar. Cars, eh? Cars! Cars cars cars. Cars-y, cars-y cars. Cars go fast, and cars are shiny, and cars look like massive, roaring penises, and... no - wait. What? That's not right. That's not right at all. Let's start again.

Let's start like this: cars are boring. In fact, cars so boring they should change their name to "dullwagons". Hah. HA HA.

HA HA HA HA!!!!

See, you may think you love cars, but you'd be terribly mistaken. Cars are not interesting, and there's no point you spending tens of thousands of pounds on a brand new car to paper over your depression, instead of, y'know, getting a 12 year-old Vauxhall Zafira, or something, and saving the money to buy crisps. Lots and lots of crisps. Push those feelings down with crisps. Cars are for getting from A to B, and being filled with discarded McDonald's packaging. Fact.

So now that we've revealed all this, you might as well cancel your subscription to Top Gear magazine, and burn your Stig calendar, and forget about that holiday to the Nürburgring. Cars, and all things to do with cars (except crashes and stunts and car washes), are achingly, crushingly, tiresome and awful and insipid and we hate them.

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WEEKEND ROUND-UP: ALL HAIL OUR GLORIOUS LEADER

9/5/2015

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And thus, in the week that Britain chose a new alpha male to rule our pack for the next five years, and settled on the rich, posh one we already had, we offer a mildly curtailed Digitiser2000.

Still - you had a fair bit of "bang" for your "buck", including a review of Wolfenstein: The Old Blood, and an extended, tear-stained love note to Mirror's Edge from Mr Biffo. And some listicles. And so on and so forth. Click through for everything that happened this week, and some other things that were presented with a satirical political "bent".

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REVIEW: WOLFENSTEIN - THE OLD BLOOD (PS4/Xbox One/PC)

8/5/2015

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Imagine waking up to a world where the Nazis won...

...But enough about the General Election!!! Ha ha. Political satire. Do you see? We're saying that the Conservatives are a bit like the Nazis. Is that funny? It's not really is it? It's a bit lazy and obvious.

Unfortunately, having grown up in the 1980s, being brainwashed by the comedian Ben Elton and his alternative ilk, that sort of anti-Tory comedy rhetoric is reflexive, regardless how how deep it might run in our veins.

Still, it was weird that result though, wasn't it? If you were watching it through the prism of our Twitter feed you'd think the entire UK was voting Labour. We guess that among whatever the Twitter demographic is, admitting you vote Conservative is akin to confessing you're carnally attracted to worms.

Sorry. What? You came here for a game review? Fine...

Wolfenstein: The Old Blood is a standalone mini-prequel to the well-regarded Wolfenstein: The New Order. We're back in an alternate reality where the Nazis won World War II by combining black magic with technology, like a bunch of goose-stepping Dynamos. Playing as series stalwart BJ Blazkowicz, you infiltrate Castle Wolfenstein on a secret mission. Your cover swiftly blown, you get thrown into a dungeon, and... well... you know the sort of thing. It's stuff like that.

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THE MAN IN THE MIRROR'S EDGE by Mr Biffo

6/5/2015

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It's weird the games you get hooked on. For all the Triple-A releases over the past 12 months or so, the three games I've probably played more than any other are all iOS games: Monster Dash, its follow-up Jetpack Joyride, and QuizUp, a competitive trivia game which features user-submitted questions on just about any topic you can imagine.

Want to prove that you know more about phobias than someone in Western Samoa? Get QuizUp.

Currently, I'm inappropriately addicted to Shovel Knight on the PS4 (which has its fans, I know), and another iOS game, Iron Ball, that I'm forced to concede probably isn't very good at all, but I refuse to stop playing it.

It's fair to say that none of these games have pierced the undies of wider public consciousness, but finding affection for otherwise unloved, or overlooked games, is a habit I've had for a while.

Bugaboo the Flea, a terrible, terrible game, was nonetheless one of my favourite ZX Spectrum releases (mostly, I admit, for the opening flying-through-space sequence, during which I used to push my face against the TV and pretend I really was flying through space). I stubbornly refuse to admit that LucasArts' 1997 first-person shooter Outlaws was anything other than groundbreaking - despite it being little more than a footnote in gaming history - and I have a bizarre soft spot (it's just behind my left ear) for Time Commando, a weird and ungainly, mid-90s PC, PlayStation and Saturn beat 'em up that is unlikely to be anybody else's favourite game.

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9 SENIOR CITIZENS WHO ARE TERRIFIED OF THE NINTENDO Wii

5/5/2015

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Given that Nintendo has cultivated a corporate image that aims to be as inclusive as possible, it's surprising to note that not everyone has been won over by its family-friendly ethos.

In short: it's a little known fact that our senior citizens are mortally terrified of the Nintendo Wii and the Wii U - just catching sight of either one can cause a pensioner to scream, panic, or start trembling in sheer horror. Many have died out of sheer fright when confronted with one of the machines. Don't believe us? Here are nine photos that have captured this phenomenon in action.

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MR T'S GUIDE TO THE ELECTION

5/5/2015

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Hello, everyone. Mr T here. It can't have escaped your attention that there's a general election coming up in a couple of days - once again, as they do every few years, the great Britons of Great Britain are off to the polls to choose their favourite political figure.

Suffice to say, with so many different policies and charisma-levels to consider, choosing which candidate to vote for can get one into a terrible pickle.

This is why I've decided to fling open the curtains of my problem pages to issues of a political nature. Stick with me, and I'll hopefully steer you in the direction of the appropriate candidate. Now bring on the electoral dysfunction!

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EXCITING GAME NEWS! With Comments by A Poorly Researched Pirate

5/5/2015

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BANJO-KAZOOIE RETURNS?
A game described as the spiritual successor to Banjo-Kazooie has raised almost £1.4 million on Kickstarter in just four of your earth days.

Yooka-Laylee - developed by the UK-based "creative talent behind Banjo-Kazooie and Donkey Kong Country", now operating under the name Playtonic - will feature a bat and chameleon double act at its core, boasting a similar dual-character play mechanic and visual style to the classic Banjo games.

As a result of blasting through its stretch goals, Yooka-Laylee has also been confirmed as a multi-format release, and will - as a bonus feature - include a "Nintendo 64-style" graphics mode.

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10 VIDEO GAMES SET IN BRITAIN

4/5/2015

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One of our most highly anticipated games this year is Everyone's Gone To The Rapture. Due to be released on the PS4 this summer, it's a first-person mystery adventure, in which players have to assemble the story behind a mysterious apocalypse.

Which is nice and all... but the main reason we're excited about it is because it's set in a fictional Shropshire village. Frankly, games are rarely set in the UK, and if they are - as we discovered while compiling this list - it's usually an alternate UK, and (sorry, everyone in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland) it's usually London.

Still. Who cares about any of those places, right?

Later this week, we will unite as a country to vote upon which power-hungry, privileged idiot we think will be the least awful choice to govern us for the next half-a-decade. It seemed like a good time for a celebration of British unity, albeit - appropriately - with a London-centric focus. Here are 10 notable Brit-ish games. Pip pip, old chum/och aye the noo/top of the mornin' to ya/there's lovely for you.

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