Ugh. Sometimes I hate myself so bad. You know when you're sure you feel one thing, but then you have first-hand experience of it, which totally pulls against your fixed belief? That dissonance is jarring.

Anyway, yeah. That. I wanted to dislike Ratchet & Clank so bad. I was pretty certain of my feelings. And then I played this reimagining of the series' origins, and... ow.

Back in the day, I never understood Ratchet & Clank's appeal. Story and graphics that look like they've dropped in from a straight-to-DVD animation. Characters who controlled with all the finesse of a rubber hose. The most basic, obvious, route-one sort of gameplay and story...

Suffice to say, when a movie was announced I was baffled; surely everyone thought as I did? Surely there were no actual Ratchet & Clank fans? Turns out I was the one out of step. Talking about it with my daughter's boyfriend yesterday, he assured me it was his favourite game growing up. What's more, he's properly excited for the film.

It seems that Ratchet & Clank fans are an actual thing. Ratchet & Clank: the movie is an actual thing. And now... me liking a Ratchet & Clank game is an actual thing.

"Time is broken. Like an egg." 

"You're better at doing the door thing."

"Wait. Why is it all about eggs now?"

These are just some of my favourite lines from Quantum Break - a fantastically dumb game, that manages to transcend the profound stupidity of its cheddar-laced storytelling, and barely-dimensional characters, to offer several peaks of entertainment. Regrettably, between those peaks is a lake of mediocrity, and the shattered and busted bodies of its expedition leaders, Colonel Good-Intentions and Sherpa CombininggamesandTVshowsintoonethingisthebestideaever.

I'll get into what Quantum Break is in a moment. For now, let's focus on that story - because, like it or not, Quantum Break wants you to. See, Quantum Break is dripping in story. But just because a barbecue turkey is dripping in sauce, that doesn't necessarily make it a nutritious and satisfying meal.

Here's Quantum Break's story, as I understand it: due to a messed-up time travel experiment, time has broken - like an egg - and there's a character who is better at doing the door thing. Conspiracy. Some chaps with the ability to manipulate time. A tale of two brothers. Lots and lots of running away from or towards things. Things which also break like an egg. Time travel. Doors which need you to do the thing to them. Too bad doors can't break like an egg!

​Eggs. Things. Time. Breaking. Doing the door thing. Eggs. EGGS. Eggs? Yes. Do you see? That is the story of Quantum Break in an eggshell. Nutshell.

There was some "drama" yesterday over Polygon's decision not to do a review of Star Fox Zero.

I've not played it yet, but Polygon's scheduled reviewer, Arthur Gies - "Gies a bite of your haggis" - chose not to give the game a proper review, because he couldn't finish it.

Not because the game was hard, but because he struggled with the controls, and thought they were bad.

Instead of doing a traditional review with a score, he wrote an article entitled "Star Fox Zero Channels Everything Bad About Wii U Game Design" - without a score.

He ended his piece by stating: "Save for very rare, extreme circumstances, Polygon reviews require that a game be completed, or at least a good-faith effort be made to complete it. I am not playing any more Star Fox Zero."

Can you guess what happened next? That's right - out they all came!

The Majesty that is Mrs Queen Elizabeth 2.0 is 90 years young today!

Happy birthday, ma'a'a'a'a'mmmm!

​Everyone here at Digitiser2000 hopes it's your best birthday thus far. Here's to another 90 years of your golden reign!

​We'd like to make our own special contribution to the celebrations by suggesting a number of birthday gifts that are literally fit for a queen!

The first time I ever saw Super Mario 64 I was in the Fulham headquarters of Sega Europe.

Obviously, I knew of it. Everyone did. Those screenshots we'd all seen in the mags looked too good to be true. 

We'd gone for one of our meetings with the company's then head of public relations, Mark Maslowicz. Tim and I had a weird relationship with Mark; we really liked him, yet there was something about him which inspired us to wind him up.

As I may have previously stated, on one occasion we waited until he left his office, then drew a large penis mid-way through a notepad that was on his desk. ​Another time, when we overheard a conversation which revealed the pack-in game for the 32X, and enjoyed playing on his paranoia, making him think we had a mole working for us in his department.

Hilariously, in the first instalment of this feature, we forgot to mention the original Xbox launch line-up. Let's do that now: Halo + Project Gotham Racing + many turds.

You might know we don't much like Halo, though completely accept that it had its moments, and that its influence extends far and wide.

Plus, it at least has the distinction of being a first-party game that came to define the brand, in the Mario style; something sorely lacking on the PS2, Gamecube and Dreamcast.

Also, Project Gotham Racing was sort of good. As was Dead or Alive 3. But still... it's too late now to include it. That ship has sailed. Oh well. It still wouldn't have beaten the Gamecube line-up, which had the bonus of being more distinct, and its games not being drowned out by the sound of the Xbox's constantly thrumming cooling system.

Onwards!

You may have heard the rumours that Sony is planning to launch a new version of the Playstation 4, with more powerful guts.

Reportedly, this so-called "PS4K" or "PS4.5" - apparently codenamed NEO - will be capable of playing 4K video, and have sufficient oomph under the bonnet to compete with the Oculus Rift and Vive when PlayStation VR is launched this autumn.

That all sounds like some mighty fine shizzle, but not everyone thinks that the PS4K is a good idea. ​Here are five reasons they're giving for why the PS4K/Nero might be a disaster for you personally.

It's important to get the launch of your console right from day one.

Just ask Microsoft: it has taken them forever to turn around perceptions of the Xbox One, following a series of early PR missteps. Even now, the system trails behind the confident stride of the PlayStation 4.

Obviously, it's not all about games - not bundling your console with an expensive dodgy spy camera that nobody wanted is also important - but obviously it is all about the games. We don't buy consoles for decoration. Not unless we're, y'know, a madman.

To this end, Digitiser2000 has decided to solve the riddle once and for all over which console had the best day one selection of games. You might think you know the answer... but you'd be wrong as usual.

And before you complain... we know there's no NES and Master System in here. Why? Special reasons.

Here's something that occurred to me today. I read a piece on Kotaku which talked about the rise of YouTube "drama".

The Kotaku piece kicked off after PewDiePie - you know him as The King of Internet Let's Play-ers, and the Internet's equivatent of the village idiot - published a video complaining about "drama".

Being an intellectual heavyweight, drama is something that PewDiePie "absolutely hates".

Do not misinterpret this: The Pewd isn't referring to the specific mode of narrative, typically fictional, that we see represented in performance art.

​No. Mr Pie points instead towards YouTube channels which are now dedicated to discussing the latest YouTube drama and gossip, resulting in a climate where "everyone is on edge", where people are just poised to attack the next someone for "fucking up or doing something bad". 

I can't say I'm a massive fan of PewDiePie, but he makes a fair point in the video. Exasperated, he suggests that everyone should stop using the Internet as a "platform for justice". Good luck with that, Pewdus. We're living in an Age of Global Puritans, with social media stonings and scarlet letters.

I'd go further still than PewDiePie's suggestion: let's just scorch the earth, and be done with that entire generation. I'm not even joking. 

Digitiser's respect for the Disney brand is documented elsewhere on this site.

​Nevertheless, there are two sides to every story, and for all the joy that Disney has brought to generations of children... there is an equal and opposite amount of horror.

To this end, here are 15 photographs depicting that flip side - real-world interpretations of the iconic Disney characters, which skirt the boundary between between nightmares and dreams. 

Furthermore, you should be aware in advance that we have inexplicably chosen to give the same caption to each of these pictures.

Had you ever heard of Adrian Chmielarz? I hadn't until yesterday.

​He's a game developer, whose two most high-profile releases were probably The Vanishing of Ethan Carter and Bulletstorm; both well regarded games.

Yesterday, Vice Gaming ran a profile on Chmielarz, and within minutes of it going up, a whole heap of nonsense started crashing down onto the site. From the response, you'd have thought it was the single worst piece of journalism in history.

It wasn't, but it was undeniably flattering towards somebody who has been blacklisted by the anti-Gamergate side, and embraced by the pros.

​That was its biggest error, and it's only an error in the context of the current climate. However, from the reaction it got, you'd think it was a puff piece about Charles Manson, which fawned over his contribution to popular music and lovely beard.

I took my god-daughter to see Disney on Ice at the weekend. It was the first time I'd been entrusted with the care of a three year-old since my own kids were little.

Fortunately, we got through the day without either of us being mortally wounded, or throwing a tantrum.

At least, until the three hour journey home - Disney On Ice let out at the same time as Wembley Stadium disgorged 100,000 rugby fans - when I inadvertably referred to another driver as a "fuckface".

Admittedly, the show wasn't spectacular. It had its moments, but a lengthy and tedious retelling of the Peter Pan story during the first half nearly lost us both. When she started asking to go home at that point, I nearly let her.

Fortunately, once they got into The Little Mermaid and Frozen, all was forgiven. She was up and dancing along with most of the kids in the audience.

What was really telling for me, though, is that I was sat next to a couple in their 60s, who had come all the way from Portsmouth without any children in tow. They seemed to love it every bit as much as my god-daughter did... and I could relate.

Doooooooooooooom! D'd'd'd'd'd'd'd'dddooooooommmmmm! Domo? No no domo. Dooooooooom! Doommmdmdmdmdmdmdmdmddddddoom!

As you may be aware, there's a brand new Doom on the way. Thousands have spent the past weekend playing the multiplayer beta, and declared new Doom to be "a good Doom".

It's never too late to climb aboard the so-called "Doom Train" - and to prepare you, we have assembled a list of the most iconic monsters ever featured in the Doom series. 

Please cut-out-and-keep this important article, and refer to it whenever somebody asks the following question: "Please tell me... what are the many monsters of Doom?".