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I'VE STARTED SO I'LL FINISH... MAYBE - By Super Bad Advice

30/3/2016

8 Comments

 
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Guest post by 'Super Bad Advice'
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T’other day, Bungie did a big stream thing of the new content coming in April to Destiny.

Wait!

Before you all slink away in disgust that this is one of those ‘reviews’ of what amounted to about 10 minutes of very stage-managed gameplay interspersed with awkward conversations with devs to fill the time, fear not – this isn’t an article about Destiny. Well OK: it sort of is in one capacity, but let me explain.


So this new Destiny content is out in April. That’s a whopping 17 months after the original release date, and it’s by no means the last content coming. And the way Destiny plays, it’s basically engineered to create months of replay by design.

Yet as soon as the news was out, many forums were full of people complaining that it wasn't enough, that it was too little too late and people had moved on, that they’d mislaid their PS4 in the meantime and now had to use a biscuit tin painted black as a console and why wasn’t this Bicco-2000X compatible and so on.



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17 ANIMALS WITH THEIR HEADS STUCK IN THINGS

30/3/2016

2 Comments

 
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Greetings, dicks. Doctor Ashley Tagg here. If you've never heard of me, you may be more be more familiar with the nickname that my students have given me - "Dr Hashtag" (although I don't understand what it means).

It is with great interest to that I am here today to announce that our faculty is working on a device which allows us to speak with the animals.

​It's the brainchild of my colleague, Professor L.E. Peenys (who for some reason the students have nicknamed "Smelly Penis" - I don't know why).

Consequently, we've been testing this invention on the animals, and have documented the result for you as follows. All that remains it to say that it's so very good of you to give this a look. I honestly cannot thank you enough, and it really warms my heart.


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THE DIGITISER2000 LETTERS PAGE

30/3/2016

6 Comments

 
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​As you may be slightly aware, it's a different sort of Digitiser2000 this week, as Mr Biffo has been sent to the drying out clinic (aka "The Beef Jerky Factory"). Normal service will be resumed shortly.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to write us an email, following Biffo's pitiful Twitter begging. We were inundated with at least as many letters as you see on this page. 


Having seen the glory heaped upon these correspondents, perhaps you yourself would like to appear on the Digitiser2000 "letters page", so that you may brag to all of your friends about it. Who knows - you may even become the next Stuart N Hardy, Dantendo or Danny Boyd (Luton Area)? 

​Ploss... ploss send emails/PCs, ploss to digitiser2000@gmail.com


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WE DON'T WANT TO RUIN YOUR EASTER... BUT HERE ARE 26 EASTER BUNNIES THAT WILL RUIN YOUR EASTER

26/3/2016

3 Comments

 
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Look. We don't want to ruin your Easter. Really, we don't.

​But we're going to.

Because you're going to look at this gallery of 26 horrifying Easter Bunnies, straight out of the worst thing your mind could possibly imagine, and it will not only ruin Easter for you this year... but for all subsequent years.

Don't say you haven't been warned.  Just be prepared to lay a chocolate egg of your very own...


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MR BIFFO ON THE TELETEXT-R PODCAST

26/3/2016

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Here's Digitiser2000's Mr Biffo chatting on the Teletext-R Podcast - a special "adult" edition, which somehow descended into absurdity and giggling with far too much ease. The most fun Biffo's had yet on a podcast. Listen now to discover the secrets of "Ormos the Enormous".
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ROUND-UP: THE CHOCOLATE EGG

25/3/2016

2 Comments

 

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Unfortunately, Digitiser2000 will be a little quieter than you're used to over the next couple of weeks. An exhausted Mr Biffo is being dragged away to have his software reinstalled. 

However, because you are so loved, there will still be things to read across the coming fortnight - including several editions of The Digitiser2000 Letters Page, some guest posts from Super Bad Advice, and a feature or two. Keep checking in every day. You never know what might arise.

​In the meantime, here's everything that has been on the site over the past month - the weight of which might give you some clue as to Biffo's levels of profound mental fatigue. You can't say you don't get your money's worth. Especially those of you who don't give us any money.

Please share anything you enjoy on here. It all helps to keep Digitiser2000 going.

Happy Foetus!

MOST WANTED: 21 GENUINE POLICE SUSPECT IMAGES
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Do you recognise these crims?

INTRODUCING JEJU LOVE LAND - SOUTH KOREA'S FINEST THEME PARK
The rudest park on earth!

UNBEARABLE: WHEN INDIE DEVELOPERS CAN'T COPE - BY MR BIFFO
The sad saga of Bear Simulator's developer.

INTRODUCING BONBON LAND - DENMARK'S FINEST THEME PARK!
Vomiting rats abound.

FABLE LEGENDS IS NO MORE... SO WHAT DOES IT MEAN? - BY MR BIFFO
What happens when a AAA game is cancelled?

PLAYING TO THE CROWD: WHY CROWDFUNDING IS BOTH GREAT AND AWFUL - BY MR BIFFO
The ups and downs of giving money to strangers.

THE HIDDEN LINKS BETWEEN VIDEO GAMES AND FOCKSES
Keep your wits about you - the fockses are coming.

15 OF THE WORST GAME COVERS OF ALL TIME
A gallery of abominations.

WE ASKED THESE TOP GAME DESIGNERS IF THEY'D EVER EATEN THEIR OWN POO AND NOT A SINGLE ONE REPLIED
Shameful. What are they hiding?

IF YOU RECEIVED £100 EVERY TIME YOU PRESSED A BUTTON WOULD YOU STILL DO IT EVEN IF IT MEANT A GAMES JOURNALIST DIED?
It's the ultimate moral dilemma!

TOUGH LOVE: DID POLITICAL CORRECTNESS TRIGGER THE TRIGGERING? - BY MR BIFFO
More unpleasant online nonsense. Dd we bring it on ourselves?

WHICH ONE OF THESE GAMERGATERS HAS A SECRET STASH OF FRENCH CREPES?
Courting controversy.

REVIEW: BEAR SIMULATOR (PC/MAC)
Be a bear. Albeit not a very good bear.

WILL THESE 21 HARROWING PHOTOS OF KIDS IN MASKS SOLVE THE MYSTERY OF WHY HIDEO KOJIMA LEFT KONAMI?
The clues are all there.

REVIEW-IN-PROGRESS: HAVE A LOOK AT THESE SHITTING BABIES WHILE I TELL YOU WHAT I THINK OF THE PS4 VERSION OF 'TOM CLANCY'S THE DIVISION' THUS FAR
The review that you always wanted.

TOM CLANCY'S THE DIVISION - SCREENSHOT GALLERY
Highlights from Biffo's time with The Division.

NICE GRAPHICS: A SMALL CELEBRATION - BY MR BIFFO
From Seiddab Attack to Tom Clancy.

YOU BE THE DETECTIVE: CAN YOU WORK OUT WHO MURDERED UBISOFT BOSS YVES GUILLEMOT?
It's CSI: Digitiser!

10 THINGS EVERY NINETIES GAMER REMEMBERS
A trip down Memory Lane.

HERE ARE 10 VITAL THINGS EVERY GAMER SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THEIR CONSUMER RIGHTS... BUT FOR SOME REASON WE'VE PLACED THEM IN A GALLERY OF CHILDREN WITH DISGUSTING SNOT BUBBLES, WHICH IN RETROSPECT MIGHT'VE BEEN A MISTAKE
Our least popular feature ever!

10 WEIRD ATARI 2600 GAMES THAT MIGHT'VE BEEN EVEN WORSE  THAN E.T.
Yes- worse than The Worst Game Ever.

A PAIN IN THE AESTHETICS: A 20-YEAR MYSTERY SOLVED - BY MR BIFFO
Mr Biffo finally realises what he wants.

WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE: HALF-LIFE 3 OR YOUR OWN ROBOTIC SERVANT?
We lay out the case for both.

NINTENDO NX AND PLAYSTATION VR: A TALE OF TWO TECHNOLOGIES - BY MR BIFFO
Which one is the future, and which is the past?

HERE'S EVERYTHING PEOPLE AND DOGS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT PLAYSTATION VR - PLUS TEN DOGS WHO WILL INDICATE HOW EXCITED YOU SHOULD BE ABOUT IT
Biffo is finally sold on VR - and so are these dogs.

GAMES OF MY YEARS: VIRTUAL REALITY - BY MR BIFFO
Boffo recalls the 90s VR craze.

WE ASKED THESE 10 VIDEO GAME VOICE ACTORS IF THEY'D  LIKE TO ACCOMPANY US TO A FIELD, WHERE WE COULD SPEND HOURS STRAINING TOGETHER UNTIL ONE OF US PRODUCED AN EGG - AND NOT A SINGLE ONE DID
A shocking lack of responses.

COULD THESE BE THE 20 MOST DEPRESSING PLAYGROUNDS IN THE WORLD?
Have your Prozac to hand.

GAMES OF MY YEARS: GAME BOY - BY MR BIFFO
Nintendo's handheld lovely.

SAD BUT TRUE: THIS GALLERY OF POO GRAFFITI WAS PUT TOGETHER BY A MAN IN HIS FORTIES
This will break your heart.

21 EXAMPLES OF THE WEIRDEST EVER SONIC FAN ART
Sonic the Hedgehog has the strangest fans.

WE ASKED THESE GAMES BOSSES IF THEY'D CHANGE THEIR COMPANY NAME TO "FARTZONE", AND ONLY ONE OF THEM BOTHERED TO REPLY
At least we got one reply this time.

THESE 10 GENUINE FACTS ABOUT SHIGERU MIYAMOTO ARE SO BORING THAT NOT EVEN THESE KIDS CAN STAY AWAKE
Tedious beyond compare.

INTRODUCING THE WORLD'S ONLY TOILET-THEMED RESTAURANT CHAIN
Eat brown food from toilet bowls.

GAMES CONSOLE COSPLAYERS - WITH COMMENTS FROM CHART CAT
More fruity fun from Chart Cat.

REVIEW: TOM CLANCY'S THE DIVISION (PS4/XBOX ONE/PC)
Finally - the actual review!

THE DIGITISER2000 LETTERS PAGE
Did you make it through the selection process?

MAN DIARY - WEDNESDAY 23RD MARCH 2016
The Man goes to The Moon.

VIDEO GAMES MADE ME TELEPATHIC - BY MR BIFFO
Boffo thinks games make him psychic.

13 THINGS THAT MIGHT'VE INSPIRED THE NINTENDO NX CONTROLLER

​Is the shiny black thing for real?

Send emails to us here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
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2 Comments

13 THINGS THAT MIGHT'VE INSPIRED THE NINTENDO NX CONTROLLER

25/3/2016

4 Comments

 
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Look at this thing. What is it? Please... what is this thing? We must know.

Nobody seems to be able to agree whether this image, which leaked on Reddit a few days ago, shows a prototype of the new Nintendo NX controller - a touch-screen ellipse, with two funny nubs, and virtual buttons that offer haptic feedback - or a horrible lie, perpetrated by a lying liar.

Nevertheless, the device - be it real or fake - would concur with images of a controller design patented by Nintendo, which leaked last December. If this is the design that Nintendo's going for with its NX controller, the question remains: what inspired it? Digitiser2000 has some suggestions (for you).


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VIDEO GAMES MADE ME TELEPATHIC - by Mr Biffo

24/3/2016

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I have two problems when it comes to playing games online with friends.

Problem number one is that most of my friends either play games on a different platform to me, or don't play games at all anymore, because I murdered them in their sleep, hilariously.

Problem number two is that the few friends I know who play games online seem to keep different gaming hours to me.

​Not that I even have regular gaming hours. I mean, it's a case of squeezing it in where I can find it. So to speak.

For a couple of weeks now, the great Larry Bundy Jr and I - if you've not subscribed to his YouTube channel, you should, because he's lovely - tried to find time to record a gameplay video of The Division together. We failed utterly, because we simply couldn't get our hours in synch.

This is a familiar story for me. Too familiar. Consequently, I tend to find myself heading online and playing with strangers. So to speak.

​I never know who I'm on a team with, beyond their screen name. Never know a thing about them. Don't venture to look at their profile. But I don't need to. See, these one-off friends and I... we share a knowing that goes, like, deeper than knowing.

​...I don't know what that means.


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MAN DIARY - WEDNESDAY 23rd MARCH 2016

23/3/2016

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WEDNESDAY 23rd MARCH
I've not been around recently, because I'd travelled back in time to 1963, to discover the truth about the Moon Landings. Did Man really land on the moon, or was it all a big hoax?

Of course, the great thing about time machines is that you can return at the same time you departed. Unfortunately, on the way home my time machine ran out of time petrol, and I got stuck in 1974.

I had to wait ages for the Time RAC to come out and pick me up. It was all a bit complicated, because I'd forgotten to join before my trip, so I spent ages on the phone with the lady, trying to negotiate my way out of additional charge for a non-member call-out.

Then my debit card was declined, and I had to get my brother to call them and join on my behalf, and then he spent about ten minutes telling me about the new golf clubs he got for his birthday, and... well... you probably don't want to hear about that. Anyway. That's why I've not been around.

So what did I discover about the Moon Landings? Just this: Buzz Aldrin is actually a fat wasp.

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
WE ASKED THESE 10 VIDEO GAME VOICE ACTORS IF THEY'D  LIKE TO ACCOMPANY US TO A FIELD, WHERE WE COULD SPEND HOURS STRAINING TOGETHER UNTIL ONE OF US PRODUCED AN EGG - AND NOT A SINGLE ONE DID
WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE: HALF-LIFE 3 OR YOUR OWN ROBOTIC SERVANT?

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THE DIGITISER2000 LETTERS PAGE

23/3/2016

3 Comments

 
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It's with great regret that we must begin to warn you that Digitiser2000's Mr Biffo is about to go into hospital (on holiday) to have his ribcage removed (to relax). Consequently, the next couple of weeks of Digitiser2000 will be somewhat quieter than you have become accustomed to. 

The timing literally couldn't be better, given that the site has had one of its biggest months ever!!! Never mind. 


Consequently, we have asked you - the Digitiser2000 readers - to plug at least some of the void that will be left in Biffo's wake, by sending us your letters, questions, and requests.

To this end, here's a selection of the dozen or so things we've received. Though "selection" might be pushing it, as we'll probably end up using every one we got sent.

​If you'd like to appear on the Digitiser letters page, ploss... ploss send more of the emails/PCs, ploss, to digitiser2000@gmail.com


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REVIEW: TOM CLANCY'S THE DIVISION (PS4/Xbox ONE/PC)

23/3/2016

12 Comments

 
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I can't be bothered to go into massive detail about what The Division is. Or - if you like - write a "long Division" intro. Ha ha. Gibe PC, ploss?

Chances are that by now, you've either bought it, or decided you're not going to buy it, and read other reviews - or my review-in-progress. But here it is in a nutshell, for the sake of completion.

Tom Clancy's The Division is set in a mostly abandoned New York City that has been devastated by one of those awful viruses they have nowadays.

Not an original start by any means, but it's a compelling and superbly-realised environment. It manages to be truly open world - you can cross large swathes of it via rooftops, alleyways, or subways. Fires burn, snow falls, and bodies are piled up in makeshift morgues.

The level of detail is, frankly, jaw-dropping.

You play a member of The Division - the type of neoconservative paramilitary groups that you get in games like this. It's a cover-based loot shooter - meaning you can only play online - and you're essentially playing to level up, and find or buy bigger and better weapons and gear. Think Destiny. It's an open-ended quest to get more stuff so you can find yet more stuff.

Which makes me wonder if there's some thinly-veiled meta commentary on consumerism at the heart of the game; the virus was spread through infected cash that got passed around on Black Friday, see. Probably not though; that would be giving the story a little too much credit.


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GAMES CONSOLE COSPLAYERS - With comments from Chart Cat

23/3/2016

6 Comments

 
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Sorry you've had to trek all the way out to the sticks to meet me like this. Usually I'd have held our little rendezvous at my Kensington chambers, but the place is being fumigated. Let's just say I wasn't particular about who I encountered on the Heath last Friday. I find that after 12 mint juleps, my quality control goes quite out the window...

Still, we're here now. Can I get you anything? Strawberry daiquiri? A flute of 
Armand de Brigand 1967? I assure you that my cellar is quite well stocked.

​Tell you what - I'll trust you to leave it to my discretion. Drape yourself over the ottoman, and have a browse of these console hardware cosplayers, while I rustle up a concoction that I promise will set our lips a-tingling.


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INTRODUCING THE WORLD'S ONLY TOILET-THEMED RESTAURANT CHAIN

22/3/2016

4 Comments

 
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If you're anything like us, you've probably dreamed of eating brown food out of a toilet bowl, surrounded by other like-minded diners. 

Fortunately, if you're heading to Asia for the Easter holidays, you will at last be able to make your coprophagic fantasy come true, for Asia is the only continent - or should that be in-contient!!!?!!!?? - to have its own toilet-themed restaurant chain.

Read on for full details.


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THESE 10 GENUINE FACTS ABOUT SHIGERU MIYAMOTO ARE SO BORING THAT NOT EVEN THESE KIDS CAN STAY AWAKE

21/3/2016

4 Comments

 
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Shigeru Miyamoto is a living legend. From Donkey Kong, to Mario, to Zelda, F-Zero, Star Fox, Pilotwings, Pikmin, Wii Sports, and countless more - he's been involved with more of the greatest games of all time than any other creator.

But how much do we actually know about the lifelong Nintendo employee? 

Here are ten facts of such mind-numbing dullness that they have sent ten children into a ​somnambulistic coma.


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WE ASKED THESE GAMES BOSSES IF THEY'D CHANGE THEIR COMPANY NAME TO "FARTZONE", AND ONLY ONE OF THEM BOTHERED TO REPLY

21/3/2016

2 Comments

 
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Why do games companies have such boring names? Why don't they ever call themselves something that makes us smile, or makes us think?

In an attempt to address this issue, we wrote to a number of games company bosses, suggesting they might like to change the company name to 'Fartzone'.

​In an act of dismissive and spiteful rudeness, all but one of them ignored us.


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