Send emails to us here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
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Look at this thing. What is it? Please... what is this thing? We must know.

Nobody seems to be able to agree whether this image, which leaked on Reddit a few days ago, shows a prototype of the new Nintendo NX controller - a touch-screen ellipse, with two funny nubs, and virtual buttons that offer haptic feedback - or a horrible lie, perpetrated by a lying liar.

Nevertheless, the device - be it real or fake - would concur with images of a controller design patented by Nintendo, which leaked last December. If this is the design that Nintendo's going for with its NX controller, the question remains: what inspired it? Digitiser2000 has some suggestions (for you).

I have two problems when it comes to playing games online with friends.

Problem number one is that most of my friends either play games on a different platform to me, or don't play games at all anymore, because I murdered them in their sleep, hilariously.

Problem number two is that the few friends I know who play games online seem to keep different gaming hours to me.

​Not that I even have regular gaming hours. I mean, it's a case of squeezing it in where I can find it. So to speak.

For a couple of weeks now, the great Larry Bundy Jr and I - if you've not subscribed to his YouTube channel, you should, because he's lovely - tried to find time to record a gameplay video of The Division together. We failed utterly, because we simply couldn't get our hours in synch.

This is a familiar story for me. Too familiar. Consequently, I tend to find myself heading online and playing with strangers. So to speak.

​I never know who I'm on a team with, beyond their screen name. Never know a thing about them. Don't venture to look at their profile. But I don't need to. See, these one-off friends and I... we share a knowing that goes, like, deeper than knowing.

​...I don't know what that means.

WEDNESDAY 23rd MARCH
I've not been around recently, because I'd travelled back in time to 1963, to discover the truth about the Moon Landings. Did Man really land on the moon, or was it all a big hoax?

Of course, the great thing about time machines is that you can return at the same time you departed. Unfortunately, on the way home my time machine ran out of time petrol, and I got stuck in 1974.

I had to wait ages for the Time RAC to come out and pick me up. It was all a bit complicated, because I'd forgotten to join before my trip, so I spent ages on the phone with the lady, trying to negotiate my way out of additional charge for a non-member call-out.

Then my debit card was declined, and I had to get my brother to call them and join on my behalf, and then he spent about ten minutes telling me about the new golf clubs he got for his birthday, and... well... you probably don't want to hear about that. Anyway. That's why I've not been around.

So what did I discover about the Moon Landings? Just this: Buzz Aldrin is actually a fat wasp.

I can't be bothered to go into massive detail about what The Division is. Or - if you like - write a "long Division" intro. Ha ha. Gibe PC, ploss?

Chances are that by now, you've either bought it, or decided you're not going to buy it, and read other reviews - or my review-in-progress. But here it is in a nutshell, for the sake of completion.

Tom Clancy's The Division is set in a mostly abandoned New York City that has been devastated by one of those awful viruses they have nowadays.

Not an original start by any means, but it's a compelling and superbly-realised environment. It manages to be truly open world - you can cross large swathes of it via rooftops, alleyways, or subways. Fires burn, snow falls, and bodies are piled up in makeshift morgues.

The level of detail is, frankly, jaw-dropping.

You play a member of The Division - the type of neoconservative paramilitary groups that you get in games like this. It's a cover-based loot shooter - meaning you can only play online - and you're essentially playing to level up, and find or buy bigger and better weapons and gear. Think Destiny. It's an open-ended quest to get more stuff so you can find yet more stuff.

Which makes me wonder if there's some thinly-veiled meta commentary on consumerism at the heart of the game; the virus was spread through infected cash that got passed around on Black Friday, see. Probably not though; that would be giving the story a little too much credit.

If you're anything like us, you've probably dreamed of eating brown food out of a toilet bowl, surrounded by other like-minded diners. 

Fortunately, if you're heading to Asia for the Easter holidays, you will at last be able to make your coprophagic fantasy come true, for Asia is the only continent - or should that be in-contient!!!?!!!?? - to have its own toilet-themed restaurant chain.

Read on for full details.

Shigeru Miyamoto is a living legend. From Donkey Kong, to Mario, to Zelda, F-Zero, Star Fox, Pilotwings, Pikmin, Wii Sports, and countless more - he's been involved with more of the greatest games of all time than any other creator.

But how much do we actually know about the lifelong Nintendo employee? 

Here are ten facts of such mind-numbing dullness that they have sent ten children into a ​somnambulistic coma.

Why do games companies have such boring names? Why don't they ever call themselves something that makes us smile, or makes us think?

In an attempt to address this issue, we wrote to a number of games company bosses, suggesting they might like to change the company name to 'Fartzone'.

​In an act of dismissive and spiteful rudeness, all but one of them ignored us.