Video Games without all the boring bits

NORTHANTS POLICE: GAMES ARE TOO VIOLENT FOR KIDS with Comments from Chip Shop Man

24/3/2015

As reported by MCV, the Northamptonshire Police and Crime Commissioner has called for violent video games to be labelled "Adults Only", following publication of a new report that suggests children as young as five have been "deeply affected" by exposure to graphic images.

According to the Northants PCC statistics - drawn from a panel of 13,000 Northants parents and children aged between 5 and 18 (presumably that's just the children) - one in four primary school kids have been exposed to something online that has upset them, most typically sexual or violent content contained within video games. Five-year-olds are particularly affected by graphic images, with 42% saying they have seen something that they've been rattled by.

The report found that just over a quarter of children had accessed games that they knew they were too young to play, with over one in ten very, very, very, very, very, very, very naughty children aged eleven saying they had downloaded a Call of Duty game.

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CHART CAT: MY 10 FAVOURITE GAME DEVELOPERS

24/3/2015

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Well hello there. What brings you to the Marquis' gala reception? Don't tremble, my sweet young fellow - I won't bite (without permission). I just want to know a little about you. I saw you from across the lawn, peering at me through the gazebo trellis, and I'm afraid it rather piqued my curiosity.

What was it about me that had you so rapt? Was it the way I supped at my Malbec? How I'd dip my tongue into the rim, before taking a big glug? I've heard it's quite the unique way to finish a glass. Still, while I have your attention, there's something I want to share with you - it's tattooed on my inner shin: a list of my ten favourite video game creators.

Why don't you crouch down and take a better look? Here - I'll stand legs akimbo, and roll up my hem so you can properly press your face to my bare shinskin...

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HIDEO KOJIMA QUITS METAL GEAR SERIES? With Comments From Insincere Dave

24/3/2015

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Huh?

Hideo Kojima is one of those rare superstar video game producers whose name is almost as famous as the work he produces.

He not only created the Metal Gear Solid franchise, but has continued to steer it to ever greater success, stamping his identity on the bizarre, labyrinthine story of Solid Snake.

So the news that he could be leaving the franchise has been met with a collective gasp - it went "wuuuuhaaaaaaaashoooooom!" - that could be heard throughout the games industry.

Following several weeks of speculation, Konami has now confirmed that - while Kojima will complete the forthcoming Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain - they will be "conducting interviews" to find staff for future instalments. While this doesn't explicitly mean that Kojima is leaving the franchise, or the company, the wording is - to say the least - carefully PR-massaged.

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WEEKEND ROUND-UP: THE PREMATURE ONE

19/3/2015

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We've been forced to offer a slightly reduced Digitiser2000 this week, as work and life has been a tad on the busy side of things. Much as we try to make this The One Games Site To Lewd Them All, it's still a part-time fancy for now.

Nonetheless, we managed reviews of Cities: Skylines and a new Commodore 64 book, as well as amusing articles on questionable games advertising, and the new Nintendo NX console - as well as appearances from The Man's Daddy, Mr T and Chip Shop Man.

If you want to help make it easier for us to do Digitiser2000 regularly, like what we're doing, and would like to show how much you love us, our PayPal and Patreon nudes are standing by to take your details.

We'll be back on Tuesday next week with more of what you want. For now, here's everything you may have missed this week.

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QUESTION: WHAT IS IN THE BOX? ANSWER: IT IS OLD GAMES

19/3/2015

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Loot boxes have become a bit of a thing, we've noticed. If you're not aware what a loot box is, here is a description of what they is: you pay a subscription fee, and every month a box turns up that contains a load of old tat/excellent stuff.

We enjoy receiving parcels. We also enjoy receiving (nice) surprises (please: no "wet willies"). Frankly, it's a miracle we haven't yet subscribed to a loot crate. Then again... do they do loot crates which contain nothing but crisps and moisturiser? We enjoy both those things.

Now here is a loot crate service of which we wholeheartedly approve: retro games.

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THE OLD MAN SMELL by Mr Biffo

19/3/2015

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Earlier this week, there was an interesting piece on GamesIndustry.biz discussing ageism in the Games Industry. It got me thinking. Indeed, it got me thinking real hard, guy.

Part of the reason I stopped doing Digitiser, back in the year 2003BC, is that it felt like I was starting to outstay my welcome.

I'd worked for Teletext - in-house for the first four or so years, and then from home as a lazy pig of a freelancer - for over 10 years. That was a long time to stay in any job. Plus, towards the end of Digi, my TV work was starting to pick up - just enough to take the erotic leap into the murk, and think I stood some chance of landing on solid ground. It was a gamble, but I got lucky. I suppose.

Behind that, though, there was a feeling that I was getting too old and whiffy for games journalism. I'd started to see others, who'd been my peers during the 90s, fall away, or move onto other roles - maybe in PR, maybe in development, or outside the industry altogether. I was only 31, but already I was starting to feel like a veteran.

Video games writing, I convinced myself, was a job for bouncing foetuses, not withered husks. Writing about games was beginning to feel undignified, and I wanted to leave the party and get a "proper" job, before somebody told me that my desperate dad dancing was putting the younger, more beautiful, people off their chicken satay sticks.

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THE MAN'S DADDY: Crooner Jokes

19/3/2015

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Hello. I'm a popular comedian called The Man's Daddy. You may remember me from topical comedy panel shows such as Have I Got News Pour Vous, and QI For The Straight Guy.

I wasn't on either of those shows (they don't actually exist), but you may remember me being on them, for some reason. I don't know. It doesn't matter, I suppose.

This week I've been thinking a lot about crooners, and have decided to write a number of jokes about those crooners. I'm sure that's the sort of thing people expect to find on a website that deals with video games. Here come the crooner jokes now. I hope they're ok.

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EXCITING GAME NEWS! With comments by Chip Shop Man

19/3/2015

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MINTER IS (NOT) COMING
Veteran game designer Jeff Minter - who once referred to Digitiser2000's Mr Biffo by the "C-word", after the unsightly Digitiser overlord possibly wrongly suggested that Minter's career was largely built upon releasing new versions of other people's games - has had the multiformat release of his new shoot 'em up TxK blocked by Atari.

Though TxK was released on the PS Vita last year, Atari has now thrown a spanner in the works of all future versions, citing a copyright violation. Apparently, Atari feels that the Tempest-like shoot 'em up too closely resembles its own Tempest-like shoot 'em up, Tempest. This is despite Minter being the creator of Tempest 2000, a remake of the 1981 Tempest-like arcade game, Tempest, for the Atari Jaguar. We have nothing more to say.

You can read Minter's full account of the TxK-blocking story here.

CHIP SHOP MAN SAYS: "What's that, mate? Sorry - you're gonna have to speak up. I'm trying to do about fifty things at once here. Flipping fat pan is caked. Look at it. Disgustin'. What's that? Did I ever go down the arcades? What, like the game arcades? Nah, mate. Nah. Not my thing. We used to have one of them fruit machines in here, though. Had to get rid of it after a month. Kids kept vandalising it. Bunged up the money hole with chip forks."

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PIXELS TRAILER: PAC-MAN EATS SAN FRANCISCO

18/3/2015

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You may have noticed that we're running a slightly reduced service on Digitser2000 this week, due to real life an ting. Fret not, Mr Pugglewug - we're still updating mostly daily, and we'll be back to a normal sort of schedule from Tuesday next week.

In the meantime, here's some candy for your eyes (disclaimer: do not attempt to push real candy into your eyes): the trailer for the upcoming Adam Sandler sci-fi comedy Pixels.

We confess that almost everything Adam Sandler has ever done has sat with us about as comfortably as scraping a stick of chalk along our teeth, but - due to Pixels' retro gaming-inspired alien invasion nonsense - we suspect this will be of interest to most of you. Please click through to view this thing that we are talking about. Please?

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NINTENDO ANNOUNCES "NX" CONSOLE: WHAT DAT?

18/3/2015

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No sooner has a new generation of consoles begun to bed-in than Nintendo announces its next generation of hardware.

The Nintendo NX - likely to be a codename - was announced at a press conference, during which the company at last unveiled plans to develop smartphone games (a deal "intended to complement Nintendo's dedicated video game systems business").

Kotaku reports that Nintendo boss Satoru Iwata had this to trill: "As proof that Nintendo maintains strong enthusiasm for the dedicated game system business let me confirm that Nintendo is currently developing a dedicated game platform with a brand new concept under the development codename 'NX'."

We will. We will let you confirm that, Mr Iwata.

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MR T'S PROBLEM PAGE - Health & Well-Being

16/3/2015

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Hello, boys and girls! Mr T here. You might recall I was here several times before, helping your parents and elder siblings with my no-nonsense advice across a wide range of topics.

Prior to that, I portrayed a popular TV toughfellow, in the television show 'The "A" Team', as well as its little known sequel 'The T Team'. Unfortunately, the latter was cancelled just three episodes in, after people pronouncing the name of the show were often accused of having a stutter.

We tried a further reboot of the franchise with another show entitled 'A Team', but somehow it just lacked a certain drama, and all seemed a bit vague. I lament its passing.

This week, I've been up to my elbows in my enormous mail-trench, fisting around for letters on the subject of health and wellness. But enough about that. Let's bring on the problems!

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REVIEW: COMMODORE 64 - A VISUAL COMMPENDIUM

16/3/2015

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We never owned a Commodore 64. We should state that now.

However, a number of our friends did, and we viewed their machines with envious eyes. Oh, sure, we'd dig our heels in about our ZX Spectrum being the better machine - about it having the better games and how much we hated the C64.

But then we'd go over to their house and see Mercenary, or Impossible Mission, and a little bit of us would die inside.

And yet, like all hatred, once you peel away the bitter flesh, it's just sweet fear underneath: fear that our peers had the better games machine, the one with the better graphics. They definitely had the one with the better sound. And it made us feel rubbish that our parents were too poor and stupid to buy us a computer with a proper keyboard - one that didn't look like the underside of a plimsoll, or suffer from colour-clashing sprites.

Of course, should a BBC Micro owner step into the picture, the Spectrum and C64 owners could always be relied upon to present a united front, and leap upon him (and it was always a "him" back in those days, lest we forget) like a pack of hysterical jackals.

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10 MORE HORRIBLE GAMES ADS

16/3/2015

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We live in an enlightened age. A time when gaming is more inclusive than ever. Sadly, it was not always thus - and that is never better reflected than in the advertising of the day.

Here are 10 more questionable computer and video game adverts from before we (you) were even born.

Remember to turn off your ad-blockers, you appalling freeloaders.

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REVIEW: CITIES SKYLINES (PC/Mac)

15/3/2015

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What would you do if you were the mayor of a major city for a day? We're sure it's a question that Boris Johnson asks himself every morning, while dragging a bramble-clump through his ridiculous hair.

We bet he displays a moment of confusion, before responding: "Hang on, chaps. What's going on? I am the bally mayor. B'wof b'wof b'wof. That's... I mean, it's... that's... isn't it? Bally good luck with that, eh, Boris old chap. I'm going to dangle upside-down off a balcony with my bally trousers round my ruddy ankles while kissing a flag, what. B'wah-ha-b'wah-b'woff!"

And then... his gaze hardens - just for a moment. A microsecond nanoflicker of something behind the eyes. A cold, chilling, intellect that suggests this might all be an act, a mask, a calculated falsehood - the look of a man who might go out of his way to drown somebody for being working class. But it's gone before you can get a clear fix. And then? And then Boris mumbles something about "ruddy jolly Tory boobies", accidentally steps on a rake, and falls back onto a bulb horn. HONK!

Cities: Skylines is a game where you, and others like you, can live out your disgusting mayoral fantasies without suffering the indignity of being a wretched toff.

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WEEKLY ROUND-UP: A HOEDOWN FOR YOUR EYES

13/3/2015

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And so, we come to the end of another week on Digitiser 2000, and we are swollen with pride at how we are able to love you so thoroughly.

This week saw the 2015 BAFTA Games Awards happen - and we've got the winners, plus a piece on what it's like to be a BAFTA Games Awards judge. By one of the judges: Digitiser 2000's very own Mr Biffo.

As always, if you like what we're doing, and would like to show your support - to help ensure we can continue doing it - our PayPal and Patreon eunuchs are standing by to take your details.

Here's everything you might've missed this week.

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