Video Games without all the boring bits

CHART CAT - 16 Valentine's Day Vintage Computing Hunks

13/2/2015

Barely have I finished replying to the cards I received following the unforeseen capers of the last Valentine's Ball, than the season of love and massacres is upon us again.

Naturally, not everyone can be so smothered with admirers as oneself, and it's to the loneliest unfortunates that I turn my lusty gaze today.

Come - press your lips to the rim of my champagne flute, as I run down my favourite dapper hunks from the golden age of computing. Trust me, these virile beauties aren't just for Valentine's Day: you'll be willing to embrace them in the folds of your aorta at any time of year.

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REVIEW: Evolve (PS4/Xbox/PC)

13/2/2015

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Here's a thing: every once in a while we start a discussion with friends wherein we debate the biggest animals we could kill without feeling overwhelmed with guilt. We never got beyond, like, a fat, spindly-legged spider - but drew the line at tarantulas, as they're basically just alien mice.

Unfortunately, this was put to the test last year, when a rat moved into our cavity wall and we had to put down a trap. We woke up one morning to a dog-like rodent with a broken neck, and felt overcome with remorse. Yet at the same time, we couldn't ignore the primal flood of testosterone that coursed through our system. Yes, we felt bad for killing a creature the size of a slipper, but more troubling was how manly it made us feel; the big, butch hunterman, saving his home from the threat of Weil's disease.

Evolve is a game about that thrill of hunting and being hunted. Can you predict how manly it made us?

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ROMANTIC GAMING GADGETS with The Living Bum

13/2/2015

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Sponsored by XENOXXXtm

Thrrrp-thrp. As The Living Bum - the dark by-product of genetic meddling by my kind and evil masters at XENOXXXtm Industries - I have little grasp of such feeble human concepts as love and romance. I am more concerned with matters of the rectal variety.

Nonetheless - thrrrrrp-thrrrrrp-thrp - my cruel and lovely masters have informed me that Valentine's Day (whatever that is) approaches, and demanded that I present to you their latest gaming gadgets, developed with the romantic gamer in mind. Spend... spend... SPEND BEYOND YOUR MEANS! Thrppp.

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REVIEWS ARE STUPID by Mr Biffo

12/2/2015

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Earlier this week, Eurogamer announced it was dropping scores from the end of its reviews. Instead of marks out of ten, there will be one of three words: "essential", "recommended", or "avoid". The site joins the likes of Joystiq and Kotaku in replacing an arbitrary numerical value with a text summary.

Things have been striding gaily this way for a while, but games journalism's sudden lurch away from the traditional review score appears to have been sped up by the number of Triple-A titles released last year in some sort of buggy state. How can anyone realistically review a broken game, which might be great once it gets patched?

Good question. But a better question might be this: is there any point to reviews in the first place?

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15 HORRIBLE RETRO GAME ADS

12/2/2015

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"Suck on my frozen urine-stick!"

What's this? Adverts on Digitiser 2000? Why... we're so appalled we could swallow our own uvula. But wait! We've not sold out to the Money Monkey just yet: these are adverts for things what you can't buy no more, guy.

You see, these are adverts from an earlier era, when it was considered acceptable to sell video games through the medium of awfulness. A more innocent time, a time of sexism, innuendo, and just plain wrongness - and we have chosen 15 sterling examples.

Bring on the Jeremies!

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FOR GODUS SAKE - Molyneux Accused of Over-Promising

11/2/2015

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"This is very heavy. And I need a poo."

Industry veteran Peter Molyneux has gained something of a reputation for over-promising.

Not so much The Boy Who Cried Wolf as The Man Who Cried That There's A Friendly Wolf Who Lives In The Forest Who Dispenses Free Chupa-Chups From A Flesh Hatch In His Stomach And If You Rub His Head A Rainbow Shoots Out Of His Mouth, 11 years ago he famously apologised after his highly anticipated RPG Fable was released without many of the features he'd promised.

However, the man who once described himself in a Kotaku interview as "a terrible PR person", may have finally made a few promises too far.

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10 MOST HORRIFYING VIDEO GAME COSPLAYERS

11/2/2015

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We all like a bit of dressing up from time to time, but video game fans seem to take it to another level of "Why?".

Attend any comic, film or video game expo and you'll be fighting for air alongside paunchy, shirtless, thirtysomethings dressed as Hagar from Final Fight, yearning for free hugs from any teenage girl dressed as Sailor Moon. Here are ten cosplaying gamers who we promise will haunt your dreams for weeks to come...

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GAMING SPEEDNEWS - With comments from "Baz" Feed

11/2/2015

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"I'm Barry Feed. I'm young, I'm relevant, I wear slip-on shoes without any socks, and I'm thinking of getting a top-knot. I got so much going on in my hot, young life I need my information in nub-size chunks - 'pulted into my face by a headline-cannon.

"C'mon! Gimme some gaming news! Gimme fast! I gotta get down the ironic old man pub to drink craft ale out of a Viking drinking horn!"

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BAFTA GAME AWARDS - Nominees Announced

10/2/2015

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Barely has the ointment dried on the heavily-slapped backs of the British film industry, than BAFTA has announced another raft of award nominees. This time, it's the games industry that risks having its shoulder blades battered raw by the meaty and insincere congratulations of its peers.

Striding lewdly ahead of the pack with an impressive six nominations is Alien: Isolation, with Far Cry 4 and the sublime Monument Valley close behind with five nominations a piece. 80 Days, Destiny, Mario Kart 8, and Middle Earth: Shadow Of Mordor all receive four nominations.

Digitiser 2000 will be hosting a unique look at the BAFTA Game Awards following the ceremony on March 12th, which is due to be hosted by apparent Biffovision fan Rufus Hound. If you wish to get drunk and pretend you're part of the fun, you'll be able to keep up with the "action" live on Twitch.tv

Until then, here's the full list of happy nominees.

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MR T'S PROBCAST - Episode 1

10/2/2015

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Well... this is a bit of an experiment. Ostensibly we put this together - using some existing Mr T material - in a bid to try and get our heads around the process of podcast-making. See it as a warts-and-all pilot, which we're kind/foolish enough to share with you...

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WHATEVER HAPPENED TO XBOX TV SHOWS?

10/2/2015

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Most exciting screenshot evarrrr

Do you remember when Microsoft said it was going to be producing loads of TV shows, with the help of people like Steven Spielberg and Ridley Scott and that? That was pretty exiting wasn't it? Whatever happened to that?

What happened was this: last summer, Microsoft closed down its Xbox Entertainment Studios, effectively slamming a foot in the face of its original programming ambitions.

It looked like original Xbox Live TV shows were deader than a duck with its lungs in a vice... Until this week, when Microsoft announced a new show starring popular comedian Will Arnett.

But wait! Grasp your hems afore ye get too excited! There are no signs that this is going to usher in a new era of exciting Xbox-only programming: it's a far cry from the original intentions for Xbox-only TV shows, and seems to consist of Arnett sitting on a sofa with his mates, talking about the Xbox games they're playing (trailer at the bottom of this article).

Displaying the sort of unbridled creative thinking that led to the creation of the wheel, the painting of the Sistine Chapel, and Pop Tarts, the show will be called "Game Chat". Well done there.

But what of Microsoft's other TV projects?

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AVAILABLE NOW: The Man's Daddy's Joke Book

9/2/2015

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Available exclusively to Digitiser 2000 supporters, The Man's Daddy's Book of Popular Comedy Jokes contains almost 500 funnies - both classic (old) and new (new).

Additionally, there is a selection of features and whimsy from the legendary Digitiser character, on topics such as the history of popular comedy, and whether or not you're enjoying his book, as well as an introduction from "Blyan Adams".

If you'd like a copy of this luscious e-tome, all you have to do is sign up as one of our monthly Patreon donors, for just $10 (about £6.50), or pledge a one-off PayPal donation of £15.

Donors also get access to a bunch of other benefits, including exclusive videos, emails/messages, and more - and can sleep soundly in the knowledge that they're helping to keep this site alive.

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MAN DIARY: How to be an Inventor

9/2/2015

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FEBRUARY 6th
I've got a new job as an inventor. Every morning I go into the big red shed at the bottom of my horrible garden, and think of new products that nobody has considered before. This might be overstating things, but I honestly think I'm the greatest inventor of all time.

Indeed, for motivation, I have a half-size wax figure of Thomas Edison that I scratch in the face every time that I think of a new invention. I have now invented so many excellent things that Edison's face has taken on the appearance of a particularly sloppy Danish pastry (and, to be frank, he wasn't much of a looker to begin with - in every photo I've seen he looks like he's trying to silently identify the culprit of some particularly peppery anal vapours... while secretly hoping nobody realises he was responsible).

Why, only last night I invented a new type of wind-up radio that was at least nine times better than anything Edison ever invented. My radio looks, for all intents and purposes, like a regular radio, except that it constantly mocks the listener with fictional news, and taunts.

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DEUS EX MACHINA RETURNS

9/2/2015

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Not to be confused with either the Deus Ex cyberpunk-y franchise, or Alex Garland's sci-fi noir movie Ex Machina, Deus Ex Machina will be remembered by those of a certain age as one of the most ambitious and bewildering games of all time.

A ZX Spectrum multimedia extravaganza that was a good 15 or so years ahead of its time, it featured an ambient soundtrack and vocal appearances - via a bundled audio cassette - from the likes of Jon Pertwee, Ian Dury and Frankie Howerd

Far be it from us to start conspiracy theories, but all of the above artistes are now dead - can that really be coincidence?

To be honest, the young Mr Biffo didn't really know what was the Hell he was supposed to be doing when a friend lent him a copy of Deus Ex Machina, but now that the game has been awarded a Kickstarter-funded sequel, this might be his chance to give it another go. Or maybe he'll just continue to be tainted and embittered by his formative experiences, and ignore it.

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THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: THE MOVIES

9/2/2015

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So, apparently, Netflix is developing a live action Legend of Zelda TV series, described - misguidedly - as "Game of Thrones for families".

Dunno about you, but we never really got a Game of Thrones vibe from Zelda. The series has always felt to us like an individual hero's journey - not some sprawling fantasy political epic with incest-boobs.

According to numerous reports, the series is in the early stages of development - Netflix is still seeking writers. However, if you can't wait for them to get their act into gear, rest easy - for there are already numerous Zelda-inspired fan-made movies available, that might just sate your lust for Hyrule. Providing you can overlook the bad wigs and performances.

Because we love you, Digitiser 2000 has taken a look at five of the most notable efforts. Just - oh-hoh! - click on the Links to watch them. We so funneee...

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