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REVIEW: THE ORDER 1886 (PS4)

22/2/2015

11 Comments

 
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Pretty much since the off there have been video games that promised a "cinematic" experience - without any of us ever really knowing exactly what that might mean.

Judging from the efforts that have used this label to date, we assume they mean a game that sort of borrows the structure and language of film, and forces you to watch loads of tedious cutscenes.

It sometimes feels that certain game developers - like everyone else, depressingly - put more stock in the value of film than in games. They sometimes seem so embarrassed by their jobs that they have to pretend their games are something they're not, or are somehow elevated above the rank-and-file shoot 'em ups and platformers because, y'know... they're "cinematic, maaaan". 

Presumably, this is because cinema is the single greatest thing mankind has ever achieved, and the pinnacle of all artistic endeavours since the dawn of time.

The Order: 1886 is just the latest video game to be wholly embarrassed by itself.


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6 BIZARRE JAPANESE ARCADE GAMES

22/2/2015

8 Comments

 
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Japan is a strange place. Especially if you aren't Japanese, and are a really big racist. Perhaps we should say that Japan is "different". You know: different to everywhere else on earth. 

From shops where the staff are literally drunk monkeys, to restaurants where the chefs are literally cats and the food is served by robots who fart neon food froth into your face, there's nowhere quite like it. Here are six arcade games that demonstrate just how "different" Japan can be.


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WEEKEND ROUND-UP: RETROSPECTIVELY SPEAKING

20/2/2015

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It was Molyneux week on Digitiser 2000, with a selection of pieces inspired by the furore surrounding the veteran developer's Kickstarter-backed god sim, Godus. 

We also had a bunch of ever-popular listicles, as well as lewd appearances from the likes of Fat Sow, Cyber-X, Phoning Honey, and The Man's Daddy. 
Here's a rundown of all that real good stuff.


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SONIC GETS THE RUNS

20/2/2015

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If ever a character was destined to end up as a free-to-play, mobile-only, endless running game, it was always going to be Sonic The Hedgehog... albeit as a result of Sega's own shocking mismanagement of the franchise, as much as the character's inherent, hyperactive nature.

Given recent developments, the forthcoming Sonic Runners is likely to be the first proper signpost as to both the future of the character and Sega itself.


Though we can't imagine many Sonic fans - and do they still exist, oddly - getting too stoked up about it, Sonic Runners might at least return the 'hog back to 2D basics before he milks the last few drops of goodwill from the public's teats of tolerance. How do he do dis?


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10 TERRIBLE RETRO "SEX" GAMES

20/2/2015

9 Comments

 
Picture@thesexymario
For all the controversy and accusations of misogyny that seem to lap at the heels of certain contemporary game franchises, there was a time when attitudes towards sex and gender in games were even less enlightened. A time when games featuring rudies and that were about as sophisticated and tasteful as an episode of Benny Hill re-staged with manic, Viagra-engorged chimps.

Here are 10 such tasteless emissions from those darker days. Be assured that some of the imagery here is somewhat NSFW... but certainly not sexy.


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THE MAN'S DADDY: RACIST JOKES

19/2/2015

4 Comments

 
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Hello. I'm a popular comedian called The Man's Daddy. You may remember me from that walking holiday we went on together in the Cotswolds. Due to an unforeseen series of events we ended up having to shave and eat your dog. It was really funny.

This week, I've taken a trip back to the 1970s, and written some special politically incorrect jokes that are really racist and so forth. Being a comedian means you have to risk putting noses out of joint. All proper comedians know that unfortunately we can't always avoid offending people, especially if we go out of our way to be offensive.

Here come the jokes, alright? And if you are offended - please just remember: it's just a joke.


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10 COMPLETELY USELESS GAMING ACCESSORIES

19/2/2015

7 Comments

 
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We've gone a bit listicle mad this week. But that's probably ok - as you seem to like them. Rest assured, however, those who are list-phobic: we shall only ever continue to "list-up" alongside other stuff. We're not about to go all Bazfeed on your bottoms.

Today? Today's list is a bunch of completely useless and stupid gaming accessories, as designed by giant idiots. Bring on the amusing examples of stupidity!


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SCHAFER AND MOLYNEUX SITTING IN A TREE...

19/2/2015

4 Comments

 
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If you've played the first part of the Kickstarter-funded Broken Age you'll know it's shaping up to be a nice little point-and-click adventure. You'll probably also know that it finishes right before the story starts getting really interesting, and the dual narrative structure properly starts paying off. 

Despite raising an impressive $3.45 million, back in 2012, the completed game has missed its original estimated launch window by almost two years. Somehow developer Double Fine - while not entirely avoiding criticism - nonetheless star-jumped away from the wholesale, and very personal, press and public battering that Peter Molyneux has received over the past couple of weeks. 

However, Tim Schafer - Double Fine's handsome bossman - has now gone on record to send his support and kisses to Molyneux, citing his treatment at the hand of the "the internet and the games press" as "rough", "unfortunate", and "unfair".


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FAT SOW: All Game News is Boring

18/2/2015

10 Comments

 
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Well strap my face to a lathe and grind me to bacon bits: I'm so grasped with irritation I could milk my own eyes.

Good God in a sex pod. Most game news is dull, isn't it? I mean, when you look at the bland, unsweetened oatmeal that passes for most game news these days, it's little wonder that everyone's plucking at the carcass of the Peter Molyneux/Godus story like a pack of musical sewer rats. If you're a games fan, that's literally the only thing going on that's actually interesting. Why do we pretend to care about stuff that is so spine-compactingly dull?



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11 BAFFLINGLY ILL-ADVISED GAME CHARACTERS

18/2/2015

6 Comments

 
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We could probably fill this feature entirely with characters from the Zelda franchise, but we've dug deep to find some of the more obscure examples of bewildering game characters - both those who were never a good idea in the first place, those who have since gone all wrong and that, and those who just make our head hurt.

Hark! That sound we hear? 'Tis the clarion call marking the start of the Oddball Parade...


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CYBER-X INTERVIEWS "PERRIS MOYNE"

17/2/2015

7 Comments

 
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BOOM! I'm Cyber-X. You probably remember me from the golden era of games journalasm, before the industry got overrun with stupid babies, who think they're cool and aren't even proper games journalasmists. I hate them and I hope they all die one day. Bit much? Deal with it.

Back in the day, when I wrote for Top Mega Top Top Gaming Top Mega Top Monthly, I was known to be the most hardcore journalasmist around. There wasn't a single person I interviewed who I didn't make cry. Developers. Publishers. Graphics artists. Fat people. 


I was awesome at it. And at all other things. Recently, I've seen a lot of pretenders to my games journalislamist crown having a pop at games developers for some reason. I can't be arsed to look up why - I've pictures of my cool nightclub exploits to upload to my cool gaming blog - but it looks like it's something really bad or something. Well, I'm gonna show 'em how it's done.

Unfortunately, I don't have no games developer's numbers, so I've had to imagine what it would be like to interview one of them. But because I've got an excellent imagination - the top imagination in all of games journalasm - this is exactly what it would be like if I was to interview someone called something like "Perris Moyne".


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15 EXAMPLES OF TERRIBLE VIDEO GAME COVER ART

17/2/2015

11 Comments

 
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They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but sometimes we feel the phrase should be amended to "beauty is in the brown-eye of the bum-holder". We don't even know what that means. 

Sadly, video game box art is not - generally speaking - known for its creative accomplishments. All too often, it feels like an afterthought, thrown together at the last minute to sell a game without any real investment in achieving something that works as a piece of art in its own right. But still... there's that, and then there's this: here are 15 stink-laden examples of the worst video game cover art ever.


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RING-SIR! Pranking Online Support with Phoning Honey

16/2/2015

6 Comments

 
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Hello. I'm Phoning Honey. Please don't hang yourself - I haven't finished talking yet. Listen: when I'm not sifting through a hat full of dirt, or drifting through a sackful of hurt, I like to go online and prank the technical support people.

Why I do this, goodness only knows, but do this I most certainly do. Here is my latest chat (hanging may commence at the end of the transcript):


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MOLYNEUX: WHAT ARE WE DOING? By Mr Biffo

15/2/2015

31 Comments

 
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I still remember buying Populous. I went into my local games shop, and the sharp-suited guy behind the counter (in those days, games shop staff wore suits - imagine that!) said "You're here to buy Populous". 

I reacted with surprise at his precise clairvoyance... but apparently, everyone who'd been in the shop that day had been there to buy Populous, such was the must-have appeal of the pioneering god game.

Populous was Peter Molyneux's first big hit, and the game that put him on the gaming map as something of a visionary. 26 years on, he has seemingly become the most hated man in the games industry, a "pathological liar", a breaker of promises, and the crusher of a young man's dreams. 

Just what the hell happened there?


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WEEKEND ROUND-UP: Real Big Love Edition

13/2/2015

0 Comments

 
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For some inexplicable reason, we've had our most-read week ever on Digitiser 2000. However, while it may have felt like the entire planet was reading us at points, there's always a chance that some of you may have missed something. 

Here's our handy weekend round-up of everything that has spread itself across the site over the past five days.


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