Video Games without all the boring bits

WEEKEND ROUND-UP: What escaped your attention?

30/1/2015

It has been another busy week on Digitiser 2000, encompassing everything from Lara Croft to bearded wonders. But not everyone can be omniscient, and there's every chance you missed some of our golden treats.

Here's this week's haul of gaming treasure and out-and-out stupidity:

REVIEW: Lara Croft and the Temple of Osiris The Tomb Raider adventuress heads to Egypt.
REVIEW: Saints Row 4 - Re-Elected Special edition hijinks with the bonkers GTA rip-off.
REVIEW: Elite Dangerous Crowd-funded space fun with the classic franchise.
NEWS: Lumberjack games, Unreal Engine 4, VR movies Plus comments from Insincere Dave.
NEWS: Star Wars Battlepod Starring "Orion Kellogg".
CYBER-X: A Day in the Life of a Games Journalist What is it really like to be a games journo?
THE MAN'S DADDY: And his popular Australia jokes The comedian goes Down Under.
CHART CAT: Top 10 Bearded Games Characters Whose beard would you like to touch?
FEATURE: The 5 Most Terrifying Gaming Experiences Prepare to die of fright.
FEATURE: 5 of the Wrongest Game Characters Ever Ill-conceived oddities of gaming.
FEATURE: 5 Predictions for Gaming in the year 3015 We stare into our crystal ball.

Finally, there's still time to enter our thrilling Brown Trumpet competition - for your chance to win some valuable and unique items, we just want you to dress up as a Digitiser 2000 character, guy! Prizes and entry details here.

Digitiser 2000 is a big sack of fun to create, but it's a time-consuming process - especially with a proper job to fit in alongside it. At the moment, we're only able to do this part-time, and our time is now at a premium. We hope you appreciate the effort it takes to try and give you a site you enjoy.

We don't expect anything, but if you would like to show your appreciation, or help to buy us the breathing space to really put the effort into Digitiser 2000 that we want to, you can become a Patreon sponsor, or make a one-off donation (a big chunk of our first month's funding has gone towards merchandising samples, podcast gear etc.).

There are links on the right-hand side... or you can click on the button below. Everyone who pledges gets access to special benefits, such as videos, early access to features, and behind-the-scenes gossip.

But if you can't afford to donate, that's excellent too - life's hard and expensive, right? Thanks for reading and - hopefully - enjoying.

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CHART CAT: TOP 10 BEARDED GAMES CHARACTERS

30/1/2015

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Why, hello there. I saw you earlier, lurking in the marble alcove as you supped at your malbec, and wondered when you'd finally catch my eye. I've been slowly winking at you from behind my gatto masque for almost an hour now, and was just about ready to feign a seizure in order to capture your attention.

But now you're here, look what I've sequestered in my cummerbund. That's right - it's a list; a list of the finest bearded video game characters in all of creation.

Come along now - let's squat down behind the ice nymph, and browse it together, while gasping on a couple of fine Cubans...

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STAR WARS BATTLEPODCAST

29/1/2015

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Star Wars and video games have been around for, like, ages and that; ever since that very first, iconic, Star Wars arcade game drained ancient youths of their pocket money.

Alas, it's arguable that a good fifty percent of all Star Wars games since then have been real bad rubbish. For every X-Wing Vs TIE Fighter there's a Star Wars Rebellion, for every Dark Forces a Star Wars Demolition.

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5 PREDICTIONS FOR THE FUTURE OF GAMING

29/1/2015

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According to some quotes website we just looked at, it was Abraham Lincoln who once said: "The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time".

Be that as it may, with hindsight we suspect he might have included the following appendix: "...With the exception of kevlar hats".

However, such is the pace of technological progress these days, that sometimes it feels as if the future comes five years at a time. Barely a day goes by without someone unveiling yet another virtual/augmented reality headset that'll never be released, or some sort of revolting robot face that hisses and buzzes while flailing its snake-like appendages around in a ball pond. Frankly, the future is rushing at our heads like a piledriver operated by an amped-up slapstick comedian, and it's all a bit terrifying.

In a bid to reassure you all that everything is going to be fine, probably, Digitiser 2000 has huffed upon our crystal orb, and peered into tomorrow. We bring to you now our 5 predictions for gaming in the space year 3015 AD...

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REVIEW: Elite Dangerous (PC)

28/1/2015

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Here's a thing no gamer of a certain vintage is expected to admit: we really never got along with the original Elite.

We're sure there was nothing wrong with it, but it always left us cold - like we'd iced our gems with a limited edition blackcurrant Fab.

As if that wasn't irritating enough, the way our more spoddy friends talked about it you'd think the game reached out of their screens and gave them regular sensual groin-rubs.

Unfortunately, we were forced to feign indifference because, frankly, we were rubbish at it. It really wasn't the fault of the game, but our own inherent impatience; we wanted to play the clever 3D space game, but - really - we only wanted to do shooting and stuff. All that trading so that we could afford better guns and ships, and evade the police? It just felt like a load of effort for such incremental reward; we wanted Star Wars: The Arcade Game, and we got The Phantom Menace. Mmm! Taxes!

And yet - incredibly, despite our indifference and frustration - Elite is considered a landmark game.

So, you can imagine our delight when our requirement to play Elite: Dangerous necessitated a level of faff that you honestly don't need to hear about. But just know this: it didn't start well...

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THE MAN'S DADDY - And his popular Australian jokes

28/1/2015

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Hello. I'm a popular comedian called The Man's Daddy. You probably remember me from that time I broke into your house at 7pm and glued half an avocado to the middle of your television screen. Subsequently, whenever a television presenter stood directly in the centre of the picture, he looked like a koala. Oh, how you never laughed.

Talking of televisions, I recently returned from a trip to Australia, a country literally full of many Australians and televisions. The visit inspired me to do two of two things: 1) Write some excellent Australian-themed jokes, and 2) Try to invent a cross between a dirigible and a didgeridoo. I failed in almost all respects.

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EXCITING GAMING VIDEO NEWS! With comments from Insincere Dave

28/1/2015

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FIVE OF THE WRONGEST GAMES CHARACTERS EVER

27/1/2015

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We don't know how the minds of game developers work. We assume that those long hours spent with their faces pressed against a screen means they strut a fine balance between genius and madness. Staring at code, staring at level editors, staring at their very souls can start to take its toll.

Here are five games characters which make us question whether those responsible were just having a bad day when they created them.

Regrettably, this feature turned into something of a Nintendo special, leading us to conclude that Nintendo's employees are all mental.

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REVIEW: Saints Row 4 - Re-Elected/Gat Out of Hell (PS4/XboxOne)

27/1/2015

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We'd never played a Saints Row game before we played Saints Row 4. Somehow, we'd always dismissed the series as a shoddy GTA wannabe, and the sort of thing that we didn't want tainting our refined and delicate palette.

Why, it would be like eating a week-old Meatball Marinara sub out of a drain, after decades of eating at a posh restaurant like Nando's - or so we believed.

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THE 5 MOST TERRIFYING GAMING EXPERIENCES

26/1/2015

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Games have never been more frightening.

One only has to read a review of the trailer for a horror game such as Alien Isolation or Dying Light - full of words and phrases such as "pant-wetting: (incontinence is defined as being "unable to restrain natural discharges or evacuations of urine or feces") and "terrifying" ("to cause or feel extreme fear") - to know this.

There's now a whole generation of gamers and games journalists being reduced to haunted, jabbering, heavily-soiled, shells, just because games are now so realistically scary that they literally fear for their lives while playing them.

Indeed, we are assuming that many are currently being treated for post-traumatic stress as a result of their in-game experiences. Or, at least, that's the impression we get.

Yet it begs the question - what is the most terrifying gaming experience available? What are the five most scarifying games on the market? We placed our very sanity into the lightly-cupped bowl of our trembling hands to find out...

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CYBER-X: A Day in the Life of a Games Journalist

26/1/2015

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BOOM! I'm Cyber-X. You probably remember me. I used to be the top games journalist in the industry of gaming between the years 1993 and 1999. I can't really remember much from back then, but I bet I won loads of awards and got made the editor-in-chief and that.

Ok, so I dropped out of the industry for a bit after I got fired for letting an issue of Top Total Games Mega Magazine go to press despite being full of nothing but full page photos of myself (on drugs) in various mad poses. Apparently, that wasn't what the readers expected from games magazines back then. What do the effing readers have to do with anything? Bunch of whiny tits.

But now I'm back, baby! I've managed to pick up a bit of freelance work for MeSoLikeeeGames - a website that's probably the top gaming website on The Webs, so I'm already on my way to becoming the top games journalist of the modern era. MeSoLikeeeGames is run by this really cool guy called Timmathon Shoes, or something. He's only 14, but he obviously knows quality writing when he sees it.

Also, he's easily intimidated - so if I want to fill a piece with photos of myself I know all it'll take is a couple of aggressive phone calls, and some thinly-veiled threats. Kids are pathetic. I'd never have let myself get bullied by that. He makes me sick. Inadequate little ponce.

I digress.

A DAY IN THE LIFE

People often say to me "Hey, Cyber-X - please take your hand off my throat, and tell me what it is like to be a games journalist". If I'd had a quid for every time some useless, pathetic, weak-jawed sap had said that to me I'd probably have about fifty six quid (enough to buy a couple of drugs - except in London, where that's barely enough to buy a single drug).

But whatever (for the record, I don't - and never would - live in London... besides, the hipster community have me blacklisted, after it was alleged that I once hospitalised an entire Hoxton bar full of hipsters because I saw someone drinking out of an old Bovril jar, for god's sake - I have no memory of the incident, so it couldn't have happened. And if anyone tells you they've seen the CCTV - they can shove it deep up themselves. That isn't me. I'm not as hunched over, fat and bald as the guy in the video).

Anyway. To shut you all up - here's what the average day of a gaming word-slave looks like:

10AM - Get up. Take a quick breakfast drug to get you ready for the day. Sit around wondering why nobody has got you dressed yet. Eventually remember that you're supposed to do it yourself.

11AM - Postman is here! Yes! Review copies. Except... you only received a couple of games. Didn't the PR guy promise you loads more than this? What's going on? Red mist descends. You're FURIOUS.

11.10AM - Call up PR company, fuming, asking where your review copy of some game is. They tell you they apparently emailed over a free download code, whatever that is. Argue with the PR drone that this is no use to you - you need physical product. Get nowhere. Swear. Threaten. Hang up. Punch a wall.

MIDDAY - Take the few physical review copies down the Computer Exchange and sell them. Have an argument with the bloke in there because he won't buy some game off you because it's not out yet, and has "Promo Copy - Not For Resale" stamped on it. Show your disdain for their business practices by kicking the sales counter, and elbowing the till off the desk. Smear phlegmmy spit on the window as you leave, and write your name in it.

12.30PM - Count up whatever money you made from selling the games, and go buy a few drugs.

12.45PM - Take drugs. Stumble around town centre. Go back into the Computer Exchange and have another argument with them. Remind them you're a games journalist and they should show you respect, because you once got an all-expenses paid trip to Egypt for the launch of Tomb Raider 2. Remind them that you only did that for your pathetic readers, and you hated every minute of it, and that you hate writing about games, and the least they can do is not bar you from their shop.

2PM - Receive email from Timmathon asking you how you're going with that review you'd promised two weeks ago. Remind the pathetic little tart that he's only paying you a fiver a piece, and that if he wants stuff quicker he'd better up his rates. Threaten him to get off your case, and remind him that he's not your dad, and if he acts like he is you'll slice him open.

2.10PM - Look up reviews of said game online, cut-and-paste bits of them into an email, and send it to Timmathon just to shut him up.

2.40PM - Sit back and revel in the glory as your piece of literary genius is published on The Webs.

3PM - Decide to write a sitcom.

3.15PM - Finish writing sitcom. It's utter genius. It's like an autobiographical take on Phone Shop; except instead of being set in a Phone Shop, it's set in the Computer Exchange, and all the staff are wankers and there's this customer who works as a PR guy for a games company and he's a wanker too and in my episode the shop catches fire and this cool games journalist guy walks past and sees them all on fire and has to decide whether to save their lives and he chooses to let them burn because they're wankers and he's hailed a hero and loads of birds want to have sex with him on drugs.

5PM - Record a podcast/write memoir/take a drug/ring mates to see if any of them are going out tonight/Have argument with mate because last time you were out you apparently threw a bottle of vinegar and a packet of McCoys at his fiancé.

5.30PM - Ring up your ex and ask to speak to the kid, and when she refuses - because last time you apparently accused him of being gay because he got a Peter Pan costume for Christmas - break down crying and say you wish you were dead, and can you borrow some money please?

5.40PM to 5AM - Don't know.

5AM - Bed.

More from Cyber-X...

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REVIEW: Lara Croft & The Temple of Osiris (Xbox One, PS4, PC)

25/1/2015

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Lara Croft is one of those tricky games characters with massive brand awareness, who has spent the years since her debut giving birth to ever more disappointing offspring (see also: Sonic The Hedgehog, whose games apparently get worse as he becomes increasingly smug in his promotional artwork).

Aside from just how groundbreaking the Tomb Raider games were, there was something utterly unique about the series' first couple of instalments, that all those subsequent sequels and reboots have failed to recapture.

Somehow, the more technically accomplished and cinematic the games get, the more diluted the atmosphere. Tomb Raider and Tomb Raider 2 had a sparseness to them - the soundtrack was virtually empty, barring the occasional orchestral swell, and the sound design seemed to reflect the design of levels.

Limited draw distances made the spaces feel more mysterious, more terrifying, and more empty. Rarely since has a game made us feel more alone and vulnerable. And rarely since have we ever felt that same sense of discovery and awe as we did crawling through a narrow shaft, before stumbling out onto a massive, subterranean amphitheatre. With a dinosaur in it.

The recent Tomb Raider reboot did a decent job of returning us to Lara Croft's roots, but we still miss the eery and singular ambience of those first couple of games.

LARA CROFT AND THE MEMORY LANE
Do you remember Lara Croft & The Guardian of Light? You'd be forgiven for sort of ignoring it - as a four-player isometric spin-off of the Tomb Raider franchise it was precisely the type of thing one would "meh" at.

It more or less hit at a time when the guardians of the Tomb Raider franchise seemingly didn't really know what to do with Ms Croft. However, it was cheap, cheerful and respectably playable; hardly something to set the world aflame, but a decent enough stopgap to keep the series alive until they could blue-sky a better idea.

The Temple of Osiris is its sequel, and is the proverbial 'more of the same'. And that same is this same: L.Croft breaks into an old tomb, accidentally unleashes some ancient evil crocodile dude - whom we shall henceforth implore you all refer to as Crocky The Crook - and spends the remainder of the game trying to put the nasty back in his box.

This being a co-op game she has brought a special friend with her - the amusingly named Carter Bell - and swiftly meets a couple of supernatural types, whom she enlists for a four-way; Horus and Isis (no relation to the real bad terrorist guys, presumably - although that might've been one option for ensuring the game didn't get overlooked...). Depending on which character you're playing you'll either be shooting at monsters and clay pots with guns or with magical sticks.

Its arcade-y, simple puzzles - rolling giant stone balls onto switches and that - rarely get in the way of the explore 'em up action.

There's stuff with grappling hooks, and a token RPG element - being able to upgrade stats by collecting gems - and you can collect new gear, but let's not try to pretend that this is anything but a shoot 'em up at its core. A shoot 'em up designed to be played online, with online weirdos.

It's hardly brilliant, and isn't going to push your hardware beyond the lightest of sweats. But on the plus side, for purists it does at least boast Lara in her classic Tomb Raider vest and hot pants.

SUMMARY: Cheap, cheerful, perfectly playable, but hardly essential.
OVERALL: 60.4341%

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WEEKEND ROUND-UP: What hath thou mithed on Digi?

24/1/2015

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We've had one of our busiest, most-read weeks on Digitiser 2000, but there's always the possibility that somebody might have missed something. Who knows? Maybe that person is YOU (Yay! Personal shout-out!).

Calm down. Here's a round-up of this week's juiciest fruits...

THE FIVE AGES OF GAMING Gamers are getting older. How old are you - and what can you expect as you continue to creep towards your deathbed? Find out here.

REVIEW - CAPTAIN TOAD: TREASURE TRACKER (Wii U) Nintendo's little mushroom guy gets the Digitiser "treatment".

GAME NEWS with INSINCERE DAVE Yes - actual news! See also:

RING-SIR! with PHONING HONEY The whimsical prankster continues his campaign of harassment against real-life online technical support guys.

THE MAN'S DADDY'S COMEDY JOKE-O-MATIC Would you like to have your own personal joke? Now you can, with this intermittently functioning joke generator!

FREE THE SPEECH Big, heavy, boring, self-righteous, po-faced feature about free speech and creative freedom. No jokes.

MAN DIARY: BEING A MURDERER The Man With a Long Chin opens up a high street murder shop.

READER'S PANEL 4: DESTINY - GRIND OR GREAT Our first ever reader-written article offers a counterpoint to Mr Biffo's Destiny disappointment.

CHART CAT: THE 10 MOST SENSUAL GAMES CHARACTERS The lithe, self-styled feline offers you his opinion on the most sensual games characters ever.

10 THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH MICROSOFT'S HOLOLENS It's a whole new way to sex a giraffe!

>>>> BROWN TRUMPET COMPETITION! This weekend is your penultimate call to enter our exciting and (with hindsight) overly demanding competition. Against the odds... we've now actually had some entries - so if you want to stand a chance to win a £50 Amazon voucher, and some exclusive Digi goodies... you've got until Monday 2nd Feb to take your photos...

Sorry to waggle our tins in your face once again, but - if you would like to help us keep Digitiser 2000 going - we're only about $500 (£330) away from our next Patreon funding milestone (which is going to help us fund things like ambitious podcasts, more detailed, topical and exclusive features, merchandise samples, site development, videos, and whatever else comes to mind). You can click on the link below, or - if that ain't your thing - we're happy take one-off donations or subscriptions via our PayPal donate button.

You can discover all of our sponsor rewards here. Thanking you.

And if you really don't think all of the above is worth a couple of quid a month, or can't afford that, then... well... that's ok too - thanks for reading anyway, we suppose. We still very much appreciate your browsing.

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10 THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH MICROSOFT'S HOLOLENS

23/1/2015

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Earlier this week, Microsoft unveiled its "holographic" Hololens technology - a sort of Google Glass-esque headset, which projects "holograms" all over the bloody room, for pity's sake. The "holographic" device is still in development, and unlikely to be released in the pie-in-the-sky (or should that be... "hologram"-in-the-sky) form it took in their tech demo.

Nonetheless, its potential is impressive. Unlike, say, an immersive VR headset like the Oculus Rift, the Hololens allows you to still see the real world through the transparent goggles. By monitoring the position of your eyeballs, it can then project images ("holograms") into your field-of-vision, so that they appear to be really there in the room with you. Just like real holograms.

Here are ten things you'll be able to do once the Hololens hits the market.

1. SCOLD A HOLOGRAPHIC CHILD

2. DETERMINE THE SEX OF A HOLOGRAPHIC GIRAFFE

3. "AND I WILL ESTABLISH MY COVENANT WITH THEE; AND THOU SHALT KNOW THAT I AM THE LORD"

4. SUFFICIENTLY RAISE SEA LEVEL TO DROWN MAUI.

5. GET INEXPLICABLY FURIOUS WITH A 10 YEAR-OLD'S HOLOGRAPHIC MINECRAFT CREATION.

6. CHOOSE FROM A VARIETY OF HOLOGRAPHIC WOODEN PUNCHING EGGS

7. WATCH TINY HOLOGRAPHIC PEOPLE HAVE SEX IN THEIR TINY HOLOGRAPHIC HOMES.

8. ATTEMPT TO FIX PIPES WHILE BEING TAUNTED BY A HOLOGRAPHIC REPRESENTATION OF YOUR DEAD HUSBAND.

9. HOLOGRAPHIC MARTIAN GOLF WITH "URINE JOHN".

10. UH-OH! LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A BOY!

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DEAD RISING: WATCHTOWER - The Trailer

23/1/2015

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Though described by director Zach Lipovsky as "Indiana Jones with zombies", we can't say that's precisely the "vibe" we got from the Dead Rising: Watchtower movie trailer.

And our review of this alleged trailer? It's alright, we suppose. We've certainly seen worse trailers. Indeed, Digitiser 2000's own Mr Biffo has been partly responsible for worse, so we're not about to start throwing meaty backfists in the direction of this one.

Dead Rising: Watchtower comes to the annoyingly-named Crackle streaming service on March 27th. Unfortunately, Crackle is no longer active in the UK, and Sony/Crackle have yet to disclose how the film will be distributed over here.

We don't wish to speculate out of turn, but we'd be highly surprised if they didn't deliver it directly into pensioners' homes via some sort of giant "lazy Susan".

Some of our older readers may remember us discussing the trailer for Dead Rising: Watchtower, just a few moments ago. And you can see that trailer - the trailer to which we were referring - right here:

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