Come fly with me... come fly, come flyer way!
We don't tend to think about this, but arcade machines don't just appear in arcades out of thin air. The arcade owner has to actually buy the machines. They cost loads; a brand new Mario & Sonic at the Winter Olympics unit will set you back around £13,000. Think about how many coins will need to go in the slot for the arcade owner to break even. At least 13,000!
One way in which arcade machine manufacturers attempt to sell their hardware to arcade owners is via the use of promotional flyers. They've become something of an art form in and of themselves, though frequently... they're of dubious quality.
Here are ten random examples, which have been dissected needlessly.
We don't tend to think about this, but arcade machines don't just appear in arcades out of thin air. The arcade owner has to actually buy the machines. They cost loads; a brand new Mario & Sonic at the Winter Olympics unit will set you back around £13,000. Think about how many coins will need to go in the slot for the arcade owner to break even. At least 13,000!
One way in which arcade machine manufacturers attempt to sell their hardware to arcade owners is via the use of promotional flyers. They've become something of an art form in and of themselves, though frequently... they're of dubious quality.
Here are ten random examples, which have been dissected needlessly.
TABLE TENNIS
There's something depressingly sterile about this image, appearing as if it's taken from an early-70s sci-fi movie, like Rollerball, or Soylent Green, or something.
The man on the right is the head of some powerful conglomerate which is secretly taking over the world via the dominant entertainment form of the future: Pong played on a cocktail cabinet.
"It's people... Video Game Table Tennis is people!"
The man on the right is the head of some powerful conglomerate which is secretly taking over the world via the dominant entertainment form of the future: Pong played on a cocktail cabinet.
"It's people... Video Game Table Tennis is people!"
KILLER INSTINCT 2
Remember how Nintendo led us all to believe that the Nintendo 64 would have the power of a Silicon Graphics computer, because N64 development was based around Silicon Graphics workstations before they'd finalised the hardware? And then Nintendo released Killer Instinct and Cruisin' USA into arcades, and sort of implied that the N64 versions were going to look as good?
And then the N64 versions of Killer Instinct and Cruisin' USA came out, and they really didn't look anywhere near as good as the arcade versions, and we realised that we'd been force-fed a load of lies, and they even released a Game Boy version, which was a joke, frankly? Well, anyway, truth is, the arcade version didn't look that great in the first place, as demonstrated in the above image.
Ignoring their improbable qualities of that lady's breasts... has she also got her bum on back-to-front?
Ha ha: that's funny isn't it?
Well, it is until you consider the wider implications... Specifically, you'd have to do your poos standing up, and you'd be able to see it coming out and everything.
And then the N64 versions of Killer Instinct and Cruisin' USA came out, and they really didn't look anywhere near as good as the arcade versions, and we realised that we'd been force-fed a load of lies, and they even released a Game Boy version, which was a joke, frankly? Well, anyway, truth is, the arcade version didn't look that great in the first place, as demonstrated in the above image.
Ignoring their improbable qualities of that lady's breasts... has she also got her bum on back-to-front?
Ha ha: that's funny isn't it?
Well, it is until you consider the wider implications... Specifically, you'd have to do your poos standing up, and you'd be able to see it coming out and everything.
STREAKING
"My God! She is streaking. I'll have to hurry to put her clothes on!"
Yes, Shoei's Streaking was essentially Pac-Man, except you played as a nude lady and had to avoid policemen who wished to re-clothe you and stop you eating "foods which are placed on maze". Somewhat paradoxically, you could also collect clothing and re-clothe yourself gradually, perhaps in a bid to throw the cops off the scent. What scent? Weird bum-smell.
Thanks for waiting! Comical game No. 1.
Yes, Shoei's Streaking was essentially Pac-Man, except you played as a nude lady and had to avoid policemen who wished to re-clothe you and stop you eating "foods which are placed on maze". Somewhat paradoxically, you could also collect clothing and re-clothe yourself gradually, perhaps in a bid to throw the cops off the scent. What scent? Weird bum-smell.
Thanks for waiting! Comical game No. 1.
BULL FIGHT
It's unlikely you could get away with a game based upon bullfighting these day, unless you played the bull, or were trying to liberate the bull, or something.
It's troubling to think that bullfighting still goes on, but then... is it really any worse than eating meat? At least the bulls have the chance to impale the matadors on their horns. You know: as depicted in the image above, with the feller at the top left.
It is all the more amusing when you consider he was really just flailing around on his back in a photographic studio.
"Waaaah! Waaaaaaaaaaah!"
It's troubling to think that bullfighting still goes on, but then... is it really any worse than eating meat? At least the bulls have the chance to impale the matadors on their horns. You know: as depicted in the image above, with the feller at the top left.
It is all the more amusing when you consider he was really just flailing around on his back in a photographic studio.
"Waaaah! Waaaaaaaaaaah!"
PUNCH-OUT!
This is a pretty effective image promoting Nintendo's racist boxing game, and also a bit terrifying; it's only a matter of time before Doctor Who thwarts an invasion by sentient arcade machines-with-arms.
It's also quite an ambitious photo shoot, given the number of people involved. It's worth having a good old study of everyone in it, and consider that if this picture was set in the Star Wars universe, each of those people would have a name and an entire novel based around them.
Two pop culture references for the price of one there. Let's go for the triple...
Apropos nothing: Seaquest DSV.
It's also quite an ambitious photo shoot, given the number of people involved. It's worth having a good old study of everyone in it, and consider that if this picture was set in the Star Wars universe, each of those people would have a name and an entire novel based around them.
Two pop culture references for the price of one there. Let's go for the triple...
Apropos nothing: Seaquest DSV.
FOOD FIGHT
Do you remember when food fights were fun, and you used to see them on TV, before it all got spoiled by starving children? It's true: you can't show food fights on kids' telly anymore, because you can't be seen to be wasting food. What a joke!
Atari's flyer for its Food Fight game clearly hails from a different era. It's a pretty good picture... though the more you consider it, the more weird it is. The melon-wielding chefs are clearly under assault from a veritable barrage of foodstuffs... and yet their assailant appears to be a single pie-wielding child.
Has the sight of the boy simply startled them, and in their panic they threw all the food they were carrying into the air? The boy in the green? Well, he's just emitting a burst of white noise.
Atari's flyer for its Food Fight game clearly hails from a different era. It's a pretty good picture... though the more you consider it, the more weird it is. The melon-wielding chefs are clearly under assault from a veritable barrage of foodstuffs... and yet their assailant appears to be a single pie-wielding child.
Has the sight of the boy simply startled them, and in their panic they threw all the food they were carrying into the air? The boy in the green? Well, he's just emitting a burst of white noise.
WRESTLEMANIA
"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is how you fart on an arcade machine..."
UDDERLY TICKETS
Yes... yes, Sega did release a game in which you got to tug on a life-size plastic cow's light-up udders, while delighting to Bessie's the Singing Cow's "tuneful outbursts". Kids love that sort of thing, right? And parents love to watch their kids doing it, probably.
Thankfully, Bessie appears to be a free range cow, and not one of those you get that are all shoved into cages, and forcibly milked by a machine.
Look, I know I also mentioned the inhumanity of eating meat up there, but in case you think I've gone all vegan... I had a bacon and brie toastie for my tea last night, and at lunchtime I erroneously ordered a pizza which had a load of broccoli on it, and I picked all the broccoli off.
And then I threw it at a chef.
I'm a real man.
Thankfully, Bessie appears to be a free range cow, and not one of those you get that are all shoved into cages, and forcibly milked by a machine.
Look, I know I also mentioned the inhumanity of eating meat up there, but in case you think I've gone all vegan... I had a bacon and brie toastie for my tea last night, and at lunchtime I erroneously ordered a pizza which had a load of broccoli on it, and I picked all the broccoli off.
And then I threw it at a chef.
I'm a real man.
VS. SYSTEM
Not a specific game, but a two-player arcade system marketed by Nintendo. And, as we can see here, demonstrated by a fellow cosplaying - for some inexplicable reason - as C3-PO. Although, as Star Wars nerds will attest, he's got the costume on backwards.
The man on the left? Well, let's say he's dressed as a character from Seaquest DSV.
The man on the left? Well, let's say he's dressed as a character from Seaquest DSV.
BLOCKADE
Look: it's Blockade from Gremlin (no, not that one). Do you remember Blockade? No, nobody remembers Blockade, but it was the forerunner to Snake and the Tron Lightcycles game. Also: it had, apparently, been whittled from a solid lump of wood.
Now, please, look at the pictures: the one at the top shows a man making sweet congress to the machine. The one at the bottom shows a youth who is appalled by the mess he left behind, and a young woman covering her ears to block out his deafening shrieks.
Now, please, look at the pictures: the one at the top shows a man making sweet congress to the machine. The one at the bottom shows a youth who is appalled by the mess he left behind, and a young woman covering her ears to block out his deafening shrieks.
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