Modern life is rubbish. We know this because we don't remember that olden life was, if anything, even more rubbish than modern life.
Nevertheless, for the purposes of this article let's all imagine that gaming is worse than it ever has been. Let's face it, if you listened to some of the bleating from the entitled little bum-holes who make up the majority of the 2016 gaming demographic, you'd think being a gamer was tantamount to be forced daily to swallow a bucket of rusting segs, while being slow-handclapped by the ghost of Mussolini.
Here then, as we say, are the ten biggest things wrong with modern gaming...
Nevertheless, for the purposes of this article let's all imagine that gaming is worse than it ever has been. Let's face it, if you listened to some of the bleating from the entitled little bum-holes who make up the majority of the 2016 gaming demographic, you'd think being a gamer was tantamount to be forced daily to swallow a bucket of rusting segs, while being slow-handclapped by the ghost of Mussolini.
Here then, as we say, are the ten biggest things wrong with modern gaming...
10. SLIMMER AND SLIMMER CONSOLES
Is it any wonder the generations beneath us are riddled with body insecurity, when even the games consoles they play on are obsessed with their figures?
What happened to the days when games machines were Rubenesque, with curves and lumps and big, fat arses, and nobody cared?
The Xbox went from a size 360 down to a size One - and is now getting slimmer still in its bid to reach that elusive Size Zero. Where will it end? Wafer-thin consoles? Consoles that only exist in two dimensions, and can't even be seen from the side? We're breeding a generation of gamers with body dysmorphia - and it all starts with the hardware. What a terrible example to set to our yoot.
And while we're at it, have you noticed how slim Sonic the Hedgehog is these days? Notably, the more weight he's lost, the less interesting he's become. Probably because all he thinks and talks about is what he's eating, and how many calories he burned at the gym. They'll be making him vegan and giving him a sleeve tattoo next.
What happened to the days when games machines were Rubenesque, with curves and lumps and big, fat arses, and nobody cared?
The Xbox went from a size 360 down to a size One - and is now getting slimmer still in its bid to reach that elusive Size Zero. Where will it end? Wafer-thin consoles? Consoles that only exist in two dimensions, and can't even be seen from the side? We're breeding a generation of gamers with body dysmorphia - and it all starts with the hardware. What a terrible example to set to our yoot.
And while we're at it, have you noticed how slim Sonic the Hedgehog is these days? Notably, the more weight he's lost, the less interesting he's become. Probably because all he thinks and talks about is what he's eating, and how many calories he burned at the gym. They'll be making him vegan and giving him a sleeve tattoo next.
9. BIGGER AND BIGGER GAMES
Games have reached a point where it's possible to create an almost infinitely large game using maths, and Al Gore's Rhythms, or something. Although the jury remains out on whether you should do this - just because you can. After all, most of us can fill our own mouths with dry dog dirt... but it's questionable as to whether or not this is a splendid way to spend an afternoon.
However, we must ask the question: where will the huge-ification of video games end?
Realistically, if you want to complete every big triple-A game you're not going to be able to do it, unless you dedicate your entire life to doing so. There's always another massive game just over the horizon. Sooner or later they're going to be so vast that we're going to have to choose: which one enormous game will we want to spend the rest of our lives playing?
The shared experience of playing the same games as your friends will be no more. We'll all be locked into a different, infinite, procedurally-generated game universe, doing procedurally-generated side missions, and engaging with procedurally-generated stories, featuring procedurally-generated characters. Who - let's face it - couldn't be any worse than the bunch of try-hard godawfuls you get in Deus Ex: Mankind Divided.
And talking of big things... don't get us started on day one patches...
However, we must ask the question: where will the huge-ification of video games end?
Realistically, if you want to complete every big triple-A game you're not going to be able to do it, unless you dedicate your entire life to doing so. There's always another massive game just over the horizon. Sooner or later they're going to be so vast that we're going to have to choose: which one enormous game will we want to spend the rest of our lives playing?
The shared experience of playing the same games as your friends will be no more. We'll all be locked into a different, infinite, procedurally-generated game universe, doing procedurally-generated side missions, and engaging with procedurally-generated stories, featuring procedurally-generated characters. Who - let's face it - couldn't be any worse than the bunch of try-hard godawfuls you get in Deus Ex: Mankind Divided.
And talking of big things... don't get us started on day one patches...
8. INCREASINGLY DULL LOGOS
We've already dedicated an entire article to this, but give it time and all logos will become so dull and minimalist that they'll end as the same identical distressed full-stop - in Impact font, of course.
7. INTERCHANGEABLE GAME CHARACTERS
Where are the iconic games characters? Where are the ginger, foul-mouthed, nozzle-beasts? Or the lavatory squirrels? Or the yellow drug addicts?
The vast majority of modern game characters are sci-fi dullards in power armour, or unshaven men in tight long-sleeve t-shirts, wearing some sort of hernia truss. Voiced by Nolan North, obviously. And when they're not that, they're Lara Croft; an unshaven woman in a tight t-shirt wearing some sort of hernia truss.
The vast majority of modern game characters are sci-fi dullards in power armour, or unshaven men in tight long-sleeve t-shirts, wearing some sort of hernia truss. Voiced by Nolan North, obviously. And when they're not that, they're Lara Croft; an unshaven woman in a tight t-shirt wearing some sort of hernia truss.
6. THE LIES... SO MANY LIES...
Games are hyped. Games are released. Games have only a handful of the promised features. This seems to keep happening.
Though Molyneux is wisely keeping his stupid gob shut these days, the mantle appears to have been picked up by Sean Murray from Hello Games - who seemingly instructed his team, in the final weeks of No Man's Sky's development, to cull everything from the game that he'd previously sworn would be in the game.
Though Molyneux is wisely keeping his stupid gob shut these days, the mantle appears to have been picked up by Sean Murray from Hello Games - who seemingly instructed his team, in the final weeks of No Man's Sky's development, to cull everything from the game that he'd previously sworn would be in the game.
5. KRAKEN
Kraken. Kraken. Kraken. Kraken Kraken Kraken (Kraken).
4. DULL PACKAGING
Games used to come in giant, cardboard boxes, with manuals the size of first edition Bibles. Somewhere along the way, they got less and less interesting, the manuals becoming nothing more than a derisory flyer sporting a copyright notice.
Some games don't even bother with instructions anymore - which is fine so long as there's a tutorial. Not so fine when you have to post your complicated controls on Twitter, by way of a flowchart, and then get on your high horse and start banning people when they mock you for it.
The old cardboard boxes just felt special, like you were really getting your money's worth. And there was room for decent artwork on there to boot. Sometimes you'd even get bonus gifts in there, like stickers, or badges. Now if you want extra stuff you have to fork out another fifty quid for some sort of tatty special edition, which features a cheap plaster statue of the villain, and a special telescope.
Some games don't even bother with instructions anymore - which is fine so long as there's a tutorial. Not so fine when you have to post your complicated controls on Twitter, by way of a flowchart, and then get on your high horse and start banning people when they mock you for it.
The old cardboard boxes just felt special, like you were really getting your money's worth. And there was room for decent artwork on there to boot. Sometimes you'd even get bonus gifts in there, like stickers, or badges. Now if you want extra stuff you have to fork out another fifty quid for some sort of tatty special edition, which features a cheap plaster statue of the villain, and a special telescope.
3. DULL JOURNALISTS
No offence to my fellow games journalists (the joke's on you: I'm not even a games journalist anymore!!!!), but your problem is that you don't have your faces next to your byline.
Back in the 80s and 90s all games journalists were rendered by the magazine's art editor in cartoon form. It felt like a narcissistic indulgence to me at the time, but with hindsight it at least helped me remember individual writers.
Nowadays you're all just a morass of depressingly young and beautiful hipsters, with nary a controversial bone in your body. Unless you're a YouTuber, in which case you can be identified by which type of attention-seeking shrieking you do.
Back in the 80s and 90s all games journalists were rendered by the magazine's art editor in cartoon form. It felt like a narcissistic indulgence to me at the time, but with hindsight it at least helped me remember individual writers.
Nowadays you're all just a morass of depressingly young and beautiful hipsters, with nary a controversial bone in your body. Unless you're a YouTuber, in which case you can be identified by which type of attention-seeking shrieking you do.
2. IDIOTS
Gamers have always been idiots: it's the only way to explain Amiga fans. Nevertheless, they have since morphed into psychotic idiots.
Back in the day, the worst Amiga fans would do is try to get you fired from your job - as Amiga fans did to me, now that I remember it. Nowadays, the smallest indiscretion, such as reporting the news accurately, is enough to have them launch a hate campaign against you, hack into your bank account, and send a SWAT team around to your house. And try to get you fired from your job.
Back in the day, the worst Amiga fans would do is try to get you fired from your job - as Amiga fans did to me, now that I remember it. Nowadays, the smallest indiscretion, such as reporting the news accurately, is enough to have them launch a hate campaign against you, hack into your bank account, and send a SWAT team around to your house. And try to get you fired from your job.
1. NO MORE PIRACY
I don't know if getting nostalgic about a criminal act is against the law, but - well - when has something being against the law ever stopped anyone?
Back in the day, every single gamer was a criminal. We all played pirated games. Every single one of us. In the 80s we just copied our mates' tapes onto tape or floppy, then in the 90s we had a relative pick up dodgy pirated games from their holiday in Hong Kong, and then in the noughties we were downloading them from the Internet. It was well fun, brah.
Nowadays, most regular gamers don't have a clue how to go about getting games illegally, except from Chinese and Russian torrent sites and the Dark Web, whatever any of those things are.
Back in the day, every single gamer was a criminal. We all played pirated games. Every single one of us. In the 80s we just copied our mates' tapes onto tape or floppy, then in the 90s we had a relative pick up dodgy pirated games from their holiday in Hong Kong, and then in the noughties we were downloading them from the Internet. It was well fun, brah.
Nowadays, most regular gamers don't have a clue how to go about getting games illegally, except from Chinese and Russian torrent sites and the Dark Web, whatever any of those things are.
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