Still, showing they cared was clearly too much effort for my parents, who couldn't even be bothered to buy me any of these games systems that I really, really wanted, and never got.
"You've got a Spectrum," they would sneer, "What more do you want?"
"A ColecoVision," I would reply through tears, to their utter disinterest.
"See that?" I would say to my parents, whilst pointing at a blank wall. "It's doing nothing for me."
"We don't care," they would reply in unison, like the cruel and unsympathetic bastards they were.
Not my family though. My parents didn't buy me one, of course.
THE REAL THREAT FACING BRITAIN: GIANT MIGRANTS
15 THINGS WE LEARNED ABOUT NOEL EDMONDS FROM HIS WEBSITE
TEN ACTUAL FOOTBALLERS WHO MISUNDERSTOOD MY INSTRUCTIONS, AND URINATED IN MY GARDEN