ALL THE GAMES SYSTEMS MY STUPID PARENTS WERE TOO CRUEL TO EVER BUY FOR ME

Being a parent isn't easy, they say, but in my book it's the easiest job in the world: all you have to do is show your kids that you love them. Piece of cake. It hardly even takes any effort.

Still, showing they cared was clearly too much effort for my parents, who couldn't even be bothered to buy me any of these games systems that I really, really wanted, and never got.

INTELLIVISION

Two pictures may be worth a thousand words, but no amount of words would have ever convinced my parents to get me an Intellivision, because - apparently - I should've been happy with an Atari. 

COLECOVISION

It didn't make a difference to my parents how much better the ColecoVision made the game - they weren't going to get me one. They made that very clear, on a number of occasions. 

"You've got a Spectrum," they would sneer, "What more do you want?"

"A ColecoVision," I would reply through tears, to their utter disinterest.

VECTREX

I wanted a Vectrex more than anything ever. And why wouldn't I? Just look at the faces of that family; everyone's happy. It's the dream isn't it - to have a family where everyone feels mutually supported and loved? The kids are happy to have a Vectrex, and the parents are happy because they've made their kids happy. My parents didn't want that for me, apparently. Whatever gave them succour, it certainly wasn't my contentment.

DRAGON 32

"See that?" asks the boy of his happy, smiling family. "That's firing my imagination, that is."

"See that?" I would say to my parents, whilst pointing at a blank wall. "It's doing nothing for me."

"We don't care," they would reply in unison, like the cruel and unsympathetic bastards they were.

BBC MODEL B

To a 13 year-old boy in the early 1980s, the BBC Model B was the equivalent of, y'know, how most of us feel when we look at rich kids on Instagram twatting around on yachts. It was something to aspire to, that would've elevated me to the ranks of the school's glitterati. But no. The bourgeoisie wasn't for the likes of me. I had to stay in the gutter with the rest of the manure-coated proles... all because my parents never had a computer when they were growing up. IN THE MIDDLE AGES.

AMSTRAD CPC

This gentleman is so dismissive of his Amstrad that he's belming at the screen. I would never have been so disrespectful, if my parents had cared enough to buy me one. Did they ever take that into account? Did they ever ask whether I would belm at my Amstrad? Of course not. They just dismissed my requests without even bothering to ask. 

NES

"Now the entire family can get in on the action."

Not my family though. My parents didn't buy me one, of course.

ATARI LYNX

Yeah, alright, I had a full-time job by the time the Atari Lynx came out, but was that any reason to penalise me? My friend Phil's parents bought him one for his birthday. Must've been nice for him, knowing that his parents loved him.

VIRTUAL BOY

Nobody I knew had a Virtual Boy, but my parents never considered that by buying me one they would've made me stand out among my peers. Clearly, all they ever wanted for me is to just blend into the crowd, not draw attention to myself. Be as nondescript and ordinary as possible. Well, fine. Message received loud and clear, mum and dad. Message. Received.

PC ENGINE

The PC Engine was only available on import back in the 90s, or by travelling to Japan to purchase one. Obviously, there was no way my parents were going to go to that effort just because their adult son wanted one. I mean, fine, y'know. I'd been raised without becoming a criminal or a drugboy, so I suppose they figured their work was done, and that I had nothing to do with it. Of course I didn't deserve a prize or reward. I ask you: how is that motivation?!

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