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A TRIBUTE TO THE NINTENDO WII - by Mr Biffo

13/2/2017

41 Comments

 
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Everyone agreed: Nintendo's new console had a really good name. They were calling it Revolution - which promised a) A revolution, and b) No lavatory jokes. Oh, how silly we felt when we learned that was just a code-name, and that the real name for the follow-up to the GameCube was going to be a piddle-based invitation to a laughter party.

We really did have a good old chuckle when Nintendo announced that its new machine was going to be called the Wii, didn't "Wii" (we)? Remember that? Remember all the jokes we made?

"Are they taking the piss?"
"Oh, Nintendo - urine for it now!"
"What's next - the Nintendo Poo?"
"Please, what is Shigeru Miyamoto's favourite nut? A pee-nut!!!!!"
"Where does Nintendo keep its most secret consoles? Urea 51."
"What did Nintendo name its new console after? Super Mario's dirty drips."


Suffice to say, the jokers practically had a meltdown when it was announced that the Wii would arrive with a game called Wii Sports...

The funnies gripped the Internet to such a degree (for a day or so) that the BBC news website even published a story on the Wii pun phenomenon. One radio station in California also ran a competition to win a Wii, for which contestants had to drink as much water as possible without visiting the toilet. Sadly, it ended in tragedy when a female contestant died from water intoxication after downing seven litres.

Of course, all this hilarity lasted about 24 hours before we all got sick of the jokes, and then started to realise that Wii was actually quite a clever name. It summed up the new machine's philosophy of social gaming ("We" play together, see?), while the double-i portion of the logo looked like two players side-by-side - as well as two of the versatile Wii Remotes.

​All those people who claimed that the console would fail, based on its name alone, suddenly felt very stupid, and spent the remainder of their sad, lonely, lives, scrawling wee-based puns on their bedsit walls.
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WII-NIS
Hitting the UK just in time for Christmas, in early December 2006, the Wii pretty much defines that Christmas for me, as it did, I suspect, for many.

In much the same way that our ancestors gathered around the piano for a traditional singalong of festive favourites such as "Let's Get A Small Boy To Clean Our Chimney For Christmas", "(Don't) Give The Maid A Day Off (On December 25th)", and "The Poor! The Poor! Let's Spend Our Christmas Day Pointing And Laughing At The Poor Ha Ha!", so my family congregated around the Wii.

Seeing my parents, siblings, nephews and nieces playing one another side-by-side at bowling, or boxing, or tennis.,.. it was difficult to think of a more effective way that I could've united my family, short of murdering one of them.

Once again learning its lesson from earlier tepid launch line-ups (remember: a mistake Nintendo swore that it would never again repeat... ahahahahahaahahah!), Nintendo had ensured that there would be plenty of games to play on the Wii from day one.

Although, Call of Duty 3 was pretty much the only recognisable third-party franchise - a limp sop to potential Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 owners - the remainder of the launch day line-up was made up of games based upon animated movies, games which looked like they were based on animated movies, and a couple of semi-successful attempts to utilise the Wii Remotes in clever ways (Red Steel).

W
hether by chance or design - Nintendo only ever needed one game to sell the Wii; Wii Sports - and it came bundled with the machine. Pity Wii Play.

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GO ON
Indeed, that first play on Wii Sports was startling.

It's like the first time I had a go with an iPhone, or squirted Vick's Sinex up my nose, or used the Philips Air Fryer that we got this past Christmas; technology that feels like a step into the future, which you know there and then is genuinely going to change your life for the better. ​

I understood the appeal of the Wii in how my mother played it. As far back as the Atari 2600, any time I thrust a game controller into my mother's hands she would lurch her entire body back and forth, trying to use the controller to bat Space Invaders out of the air, or turning it in her hands as if it were a steering wheel.

Whether by design or accident - and it's my gut feeling that Nintendo caught lightning in a bottle here - Nintendo had created a video game control system that even idiots could understand.

The different ways in which the Wii Remotes simulated doing real-world stuff was the key to unlocking gaming for the masses. I hadn't seen my mother so excited by a technology since the Game Boy. Oh, these days she can't live without her iPad, but judging from the random nonsense she posts as her Facebook status updates, even that is more complicated than she can entirely handle.

Although, she has come to grips with sharing photographs of dogs, coupled with passive aggressive threats...

"SHARE THIS IF YOU DON'T WANT TO THROW DARTS AT AN ALSATIAN."

"ONLY ONE PERCENT OF PEOPLE WILL CARE ENOUGH TO SHARE THIS PICTURE OF A BEAGLE IN A MICROWAVE - DO YOU EVEN HAVE A CONSCIENCE?"

"THIS IS A PICTURE OF A GREYHOUND WITH ITS HEAD STUCK IN A CHIMNEY - IF YOU DON'T SHARE IT IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES A HOODED FIGURE IS GOING TO KICK IT REALLY HARD UP THE ARSE."


​And so on.

Point is: almost everyone can play the Wii.

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FAST LOVE
Despite having just a fraction of the power of its rivals, the Wii became the fastest-selling console in the UK ever - and it was a similar story in the rest of the world.

Over the course of its life, over 100 million Wiis were sold around the world - making it Nintendo's biggest hit since the Super NES.

​The company's stated aim of reaching beyond the traditional gamer base was a success - with the social aspect offered by the Wii proving to reap bounteous rewards.

The list of all-time classics on the Wii might be shorter than on some other Nintendo consoles, but it certainly saw Nintendo's first-party development in rude health.

Among others, it played host to probably the best Mario games ever in the form of Super Mario Galaxy and its sequel, New Super Mario Bros., which made a decent fist of proving that side-scrolling platforms were far from dead, Wario Ware: Smooth Moves and Wii Sports Resort which once again justifying the Wii Remote, as well as the obviously splendid Skyward Sword. And that's before you get into Nintendo's canny recycling of the past, with the Virtual Console store.

​We never did get quite the first-person Wii light sabre game we all wanted, but we did get Wii Fit - a game which came bundled with a balance board, and tried to mix the best bits of Wii Sports with a nagging spouse telling you how fat and unfit you are. 

The Wii was - briefly - influential, in that Sony and Microsoft both tried to copy its success. Sony's Move controllers were under-utilised, only recently becoming semi-useful with the PlayStation VR, while Microsoft had a long and tragic history of attempting to force its dubious, hands-free Kinect device onto players. Somehow none of Sony or Microsoft's efforts came close to justifying their existence in the way that Nintendo did - further underlining that whatever the Wii had it was magical, and hard to define. 

Alas, even Nintendo tried to copy itself, without really understanding what made the Wii great... but that's another story. One which can best be summarised with the words "Oh well".

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
A TRIBUTE TO THE GAMECUBE - BY MR BIFFO
A TRIBUTE TO THE NINTENDO 64 - BY MR BIFFO
A TRIBUTE TO THE SUPER NINTENDO - BY MR BIFFO
41 Comments
Peebody2
13/2/2017 10:48:22 am

I think it's wholly appropriate that I was really busting for a wee the whole time I spent reading this article, and still am now while writing this comment. Dear Mr Biffo, why is going for a wee so boring?

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Mr Biffo
13/2/2017 12:52:15 pm

Because it has no pleasurable element other than relief. Pooing on the other hand...

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RichardM
13/2/2017 02:23:14 pm

Anyone have any experience with interactive bogs? The Sega Toylet, etc. Wikipedia tells me that one game - Mannekin Pis - scores you on volume of urine produced. I can only assume there's also a game that weighs your turd?

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Amonia Jones
13/2/2017 02:34:12 pm

I played one where you had to piss a ball into a goal, in Norwich of all places... there must have been sensors on the urinal as you controlled direction. It was too easy

colincidence link
14/2/2017 04:14:30 am

Piece of piss.

Arthur B link
13/2/2017 11:06:24 am

Another nice thing about the Wii was the backwards compatibility with the Gamecube, which gave a little extra longevity to a lot of games which would have otherwise died with that system. (For instance, I ended up playing Eternal Darkness and Wind Waker on the Wii instead of the GameCube).

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Bluecup
13/2/2017 11:27:48 am

Is it a joke on how forgettable Twilight Princess is or did you forget that a Zelda game did launch with the Wii? Because you know, it's the internet and mistakes need to be pointed out!

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Checkers the Bunny
13/2/2017 01:16:11 pm

Twilight Princess is a Gamecube game. It's like saying Switch launches with the new Zelda - fair enough, but it's a WiiU port, not a proper launch title

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Lorfarius
13/2/2017 12:17:02 pm

I thought Zelda Twlight Princess was a launch title?

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Mr Biffo
13/2/2017 12:31:55 pm

Oh Christ. What a stupid error!

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superfog
13/2/2017 12:21:45 pm

Mr Biffo, nice read, are those air fryers any good, I mean do chips come out like oven or microwave chips or betterer?

Can you do things like onion bhajis and fritters and that?

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Mr Biffo
13/2/2017 01:22:55 pm

You can do all those things, and it all comes out great. Chips are perfect - not like oven chips or poxy Micro Chips at all. The only thing I've not managed to cook successfully was a frozen pie. That just cooked on the outside. Everything else is bloody great in there. Cannot recommend it enough.

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superfog
13/2/2017 01:43:07 pm

Hooray!!! Thanks for the info!

Chris
13/2/2017 09:35:59 pm

Nintendo retrospectives AND kitchen gadget recommendations? Mr B, you are spoiling us!

Lord Arse! link
13/2/2017 12:55:34 pm

I've never used a Vick's Sinex. I feel like I'm missing out.

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Mr Biffo
13/2/2017 01:23:42 pm

You are. Just don't squirt it too hard - it'll go down the back of your throat and burn.

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Lord Arse!
13/2/2017 03:02:37 pm

#thatswhatshesaid *sigh*

Voodoo76
13/2/2017 04:54:27 pm

Any recommendations for cold sores?

this little piggy...
13/2/2017 05:19:48 pm

kissing prostitutes is good for cold sores (though they tend not to like that, which is weird considering what they do allow)

Sinexcellent
13/2/2017 01:29:05 pm

I have meandered down to this comment section precisely to address the Vicks Sinex mention: having a blocked nose is terrible, it makes you sound weird, it hampers the thought process and is a constant irritant. Vicks Sinex cures your blocked nose within like 10 minutes. You will not realize just how much having clear sinuses matters until you use it. It is truly a futuristic miracle that has improved my quality of life, and I'm delighted to see Biffo includes it in his trove of incredible inventions

Warning: it contains speed or something so don't do it all the time

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Lord Arse!
13/2/2017 01:56:24 pm

I'm sold!

Spiney O'Sullivan
13/2/2017 01:02:45 pm

The Wii's online shop was pretty good, considering Nintendo's very tentative approach to it. A fairly user-friendly interface, and some great games like LostWinds and Nyx, as well as some pretty decent ports of the Telltale adventure games back before they just started making Choose Your Own Adventure books with TV and film licenses.

The Wii was fantastic for point-and-clicks, actually. If you were willing to pay money for the dire Indiana Jones game, you got a free copy of Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis. Or maybe it was a free copy of the Wii game that happened to come with Fate of Atlantis.

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Kara Van Park
13/2/2017 01:09:42 pm

It was the first console since the SNES that felt like a must-have on day of release, while the two consoles in between didn't offer anything different to what was already available and were overpriced.

Other than the two Mario Galaxy games - which could've succeeded without the wii controller gimmicks, there wasn't a great deal on there that I remember with much fondness.

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Hey did you realize Wii sounds like Wee
13/2/2017 01:33:46 pm

Maybe it was the last-gen graphics, or maybe the ghastly anaemic white n' blue packaging, or maybe it was being confronted with endless shelves of shovelware and hollow plastic controller modifiers whenever I checked out the Wii section in Asda, but Wii always seemed a bit budget to me. When one of your top games is a traditional 2D Donkey Kong platformer it may be time to reflect

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Chris
13/2/2017 09:41:09 pm

You're missing out if you dismiss games like that. Donkey Kong Country Returns was utterly superb, definitely one of my favourite Wii games and up there on my list of Best Games Ever.

Darcy
13/2/2017 01:36:09 pm

The Wii actually had a pretty interesting and diverse library of games, yet everyone seemed to ignore them. And then moaned at Nintendo never releasing "proper games", or ignoring "popular" franchises.

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Nana Cherry
13/2/2017 02:47:03 pm

got any examples?

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Darcy
13/2/2017 03:49:14 pm

Off the top of my head: the two Mario Galaxies, NSMB, Metroid Prime 3/Trilogy, Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn, House of the Dead Overkill, Another Code, Zack and Wiki, the Last Story, Xenoblade, Skyward Sword, Warioware, Donkey Kong Country Returns, A Boy and his Blob, Wii Sports, Smash Bros Brawl, Mario Kart...

There were definitely others, besides those. I remember getting way more use out of my Wii than I did the 360.

Chris
13/2/2017 09:48:19 pm

... Little King's Story, Monster Hunter 3, World of Goo, Lost Winds, Bomberman Wii, Geometry Wars Galaxies, Guitar Hero, Pandora's Tower, Silent Hill: Shattered Memories, Mercury Meltdown Revolution, Excite Truck, Okami...

rhubarb
14/2/2017 12:44:56 am

Pleased to see Excite Truck get a mention there, I feel that was a sorely under-rated gem of a game. Great motion controls that actually worked and felt good and a novel 'hook' in the terrain deforming to change each lap. ou could even play your own music in-game off an sd card (novel at the time). In fact it may sound absurd but I would consider keeping my switch pre-order if that game were to get remade...that or Wave Race.

Mohawkless
13/2/2017 01:48:59 pm

Seriously debating, whether or not to send this article to my Nan... ;)

but great article! Looking forward to reading the next entry about the shit show Wii U.

No comments on the Gameboy DS, 3DS, Advanced, Colour, or the Virtual boy? Shame theres some easy targets there...

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Fancy Pants
13/2/2017 01:56:40 pm

Reasonably confident that the sequel to Super Mario Galaxy is Super Mario Galaxy 2. But whatever.

Other than Wii Sports, and the aforementioned Mario games, the Wii left me cold. I just hated shoehorned motion controls - worked great on Sports, total shit on Resident Evil 4 (for example). And the "best games"? Mario Kart - no good. Zelda - no good. Metroid - no good.

Got much more out of my Gamecube, and quite a bit more out of my (my son's) Wii U.

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Prickle
13/2/2017 03:45:19 pm

The Wii: Loved by shareholders (and docile morons who think sales figures define why a console is great for playing games as a gamer), but ultimately not loved by core gamers. The exact opposite became true for the Wii U: the greatest nintendo games since the SNES, but bought by no one because they're literally idiots.

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rhubarb
13/2/2017 05:23:04 pm

I remember reading the News of the Revolutions new name on Digitiser one morning and really believing it must be a joke.
I also remember most all my mates predicting its failure, but I was sure it was gonna be a hit ... especially as soon as 'the' enevitable lightsaber game appeared (which I guess never really happened did it? heard red steel 2 was alright but I had sold my wii by then).

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Euphemia
13/2/2017 05:38:30 pm

Wii Sports is the only game that's ever made me punch a child in it's little, sad face.

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Biscuits the character
13/2/2017 06:58:58 pm

Funny stuff Biffo, you have been making me laugh a lot lately

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Chris
13/2/2017 09:56:46 pm

Also because it was perpetually out of stock, you could go into shops and say, "I need a Wii! I'm *desperate* for a Wii!" and then piss yourself.

I had terrible trouble buying a Wii. The first one was lost (stolen) by Woolies. The second one was delivered - eventually and under protest - by HDNL (you may know them as Yodel - except they were even worse back then).

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PS1Snake
13/2/2017 11:16:34 pm

The Wii: the start of Nintendo’s obsession with creating low-powered home consoles coupled with unorthodox controllers that felt a generation behind.
The Switch continues that philosophy with added complexity and without the benefit of being original. The new name doesn't hide the feeling that it belongs to the Wii family. Maybe one day Nintendo will make a powerful home console with a more traditional [primary] controller.

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Kelvin Green link
14/2/2017 01:08:39 am

The thing that annoyed me about the Wii was that because it wasn't as "powerful" as the PS3 or X360 you got all these knobheads banging on about how it wasn't for proper gamers and was just a children's toy and all that guff.

Perhaps these core gamer -- what does that even mean? -- dingbats were around before the Wii, but it seemed as if the success of the console drew them out of the woodwork.

(All that said, Nintendo's decision to deactivate DVD playback on the Wii was baffling. Yes, everyone already had DVD players by then but even so, it was a perfect fit for the one-stop entertainment centre thing Nintendo was going for. Oh well.)

I don't care if the Wii never had a proper version of Call of Honor: Macho Chops because it had stuff like Super Mario Galaxy and Xenoblade, and the best versions of Pro Evo (Pro Wiivo, ho ho) and Resident Evil 4.

I still have mine plugged in, in part because it's ace, and in part because I still haven't finished Wind Waker. I've been busy!

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Clive peppard
15/2/2017 12:45:48 pm

I had asparagus last night, my wee stinks today.

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Andee
20/2/2017 04:14:11 pm

I can't believe you didn't mention the brilliant early YouTube "meme" of people smashing their TVs with unsecured Wii controllers and smacking their nearest and dearest "upside the head"
I laughed and laughed at the inadvertent slapstick and the horror crossing the faces of those who'd just videoed themselves destroying their homes in an attempt to win at made up tennis.

I've just relived some of this in nostalgic glee :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVUMMorJTC8

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