A TRIBUTE TO ARCADE SHOOTING GALLERIES

22/9/2016

The original first-person shoot 'em up, the light gun shooting gallery has been a staple of the amusement arcade for as long as anyone can remember.

Here is a tribute to this most singularly peculiar standard of seaside entertainment.

Like some nightmarish Disney tableaux, this gallery mixes the cute woodland creatures with the stark reality of frontier living. See the pianist, forlornly plying his trade, oblivious to the reality that the saloon has disintegrated around him.

A small dog rests on a crate of high explosives... just one of nature's creatures lured by the pianist's bleak lament... lured to their imminent demise at your brutal hand.

Don't reveal all your cards in one go, though: why not toy with them by first shooting a spittoon or lantern?

Welcome to Captain Haddock's Jack in the Box repair shop, where the proprietor stands and stares silently into space, considering the catastrophes which led him here. This is all he has left since the tragedy - a simple workshop his only source of income... A source of income which shall soon be destroyed by you, merely for the rootin' tootin' heck of it.

The grandmother sits outside Luckies Saloon, waiting for the stagecoach that shall never arrive. The least you can do is put her out of her misery. Quickly now - shoot the musty old crone in the neck! And then shoot out the water pump, so the townsfolk dehydrate to death! Why you do dis? Because you can.

Behold the pornminer's shack, and their barrels of XXX adult material. Shoot them all to real bad pieces! A-hah-hah-hah-hah-haaaaaaaa!

There he is - standing atop Chipmunk Rock. It is Chippus, the Nature God! Quickly - blast him apart, before he can convince his kin to rise against man, while the disembodied hands of Whimsy's Ghost perform a tedious Snow Patrol cover on the acoustic guitar!

Fireworks, flu medicine and the portrait of Status Quo's Rick Parfitt shall all feel the fury of your mighty shooter.

"This is for In The Army Now, you denim-clad, septum-less, old hippy!"

Elsewhere, Lofty from EastEnders returns - oblivious to the sign warning of the 24 hour CCTV. Oh, Lofty... will you never learn? Michelle isn't interested, and getting yourself shot to death won't change that!

The Dark Sheriff sits outside the saloon, guarding the jail where he has imprisoned a scary skeleton. Next to him is the grave of a ghoul. A ghoul, it should be noted, whose headstone calls into question exactly when this scenario is taking place: "1501 - 200?".

All can enjoy the piano duet - from the scarlet woman to Harambe the ape. Unfortunately for this king of the jungle, his incongruent placing in a Wild West setting means that it is time for entertainment to imitate life: shoot Harambe. Shoot that hairy fat pig to death!

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
A TRIBUTE TO THE PENNY FALLS
10 VINTAGE MECHANICAL ARCADE GAMES
CUT-OUT AND KEEP: AMUSEMENT ARCADE CHECKLIST

9 Comments

Larry Bundy Jr link

22/9/2016 02:46:01 pm

Can we also have a tribute to those horse racing betting machines that took 2p and played "oh my darling Clementine", then had a deep Dalek voice say "place your bets now please" please Biffo? :D

Voodoo76

22/9/2016 04:37:17 pm

How would they know Biffo was playing the game though??

Prancing King

22/9/2016 06:57:10 pm

Hahaha, I'd forgotten about them, but yes, they were inexplicably ace!

Particularly the way the eventual winner would often judder spasmodically for 80% of the race before a sudden miraculous light-speed spurt to the finish line.

And the charmingly quaint names of the hosses.

And their similarity to Subbuteo men, ie often mangled or contorted limbs but somehow hanging in there.

Brilliant!

Chris Wyatt

22/9/2016 07:27:18 pm

I've not seen one of them in ages, but no doubt there's a seaside town somewhere that still has one.

I read recently, a bunch of old arcade machines from an arcade in Penzance got chucked in the skip, so it worries me that these wonders of yesteryear aren't being preserved, but presumably someone out there is nuts enough to collect this junk? I hope so anyway :).

I recently went to Southport, and I couldn't believe all the vintage machines they had in the pavilion. I'm just awestruck how they haven't just all broken down, and either been binned or sold to some private collector somewhere, but it's reassuring to know that these things are still about, even though they'll be getting harder and harder to find.

Rakladtor IV

22/9/2016 06:31:44 pm

What a grotesque clusterfuck of garish junk. Nightmarish.

Azure link

22/9/2016 08:27:44 pm

There's one in Felixstowe, but only 1/3 of the guns fire and sometimes if you hit a target the wrong thing activates. Just stick to the off brand Taiko game that plays nursery rhymes.

Bingo Rose

23/9/2016 03:29:19 pm

I was in Southsea for a music festival just last month, and they have some huge arcades on the seafront that feeled me with glee...

...And one of them did indeed have a shooting galllery game from yesteryear, just like these! It was called "The Hillbillys" and seemed to be in truly remarkable condition.

Needless to say, I stood pointing and laughing at it for at least 20 minutes.

Spiney O'Sullivan

25/9/2016 05:36:38 pm

You can find one of these in London's Namcoworld arcade. Who knows, perhaps winning it will earn you the final tickets you needed to finally afford the fabulous prizes on offer, such as Pacman paper clips, 1 Direction pillows, or various questionable tat with a Union Jack on it! Never again will your papers go unfastened while you rest your head on a sack of mouldy potatoes as you go to sleep in an unpatriotic hovel!

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17/12/2022 12:22:57 pm

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A TRIBUTE TO ARCADE SHOOTING GALLERIES

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