A GALLERY OF UTTERLY INSANE COLOURING BOOKS

Colouring books are undergoing something of a renaissance.

They're no longer just colouring books - now they're "colouring therapy", full of spiritual swirls and intricate patterns that sooth the colourist's inner struggles.

Or they're ironic in some way - a Bill Murray colouring book, or a Tokyo Sexwale colouring books, or a colouring book where you have to colour in the covers of other colouring books. So meta. Many colour.

We miss the days when colouring books were just colouring books, based upon our favourite TV shows, films and celebrities.

Here's a massive gallery of some of history's maddest.

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DR MARIO'S ANATOMY COLORING BOOK

Though not commercially available, the Dr Mario Anatomy Coloring Book was created by medical student Ambrosia Burbank. It is freely available online. It offers an insight into gaming's greatest plumber that nobody has ever wished for. Indeed, given Mario's blushes, it's not one he ever dreamed of offering either.

"Ready for the toilet"...

​Number 1 on our list of things we never wanted to see. "A mess of different parts" indeed.

STAR TREK

Spock's "Oh reaaaally?" expression says it all. No doubt many kids bought this Star Trek colouring book on the promise of spaceships and aliens.

What they got instead was a visit to Omicron - a planet populated by circus performers and clowns. Not even alien circus performers and clowns. Just some normal, regular, human circus performers and clowns, who did clown things.

Even the emotionally-stunted Spock is able to get in on the fun.

What indeed...?

You don't say. It's like the guy who drew it had no interest in science-fiction, and just really liked drawing clowns.

It wasn't the only mental Star Trek colouring book, however.

In this opus, Captain Kirk loses his memory, and is coerced into help an evil alien scientist to "regenerate" his "Mortards".

Spock saves the day by punching the scientist in his Mortards. Also, there's this:

DUNE

Sticking with sci-fi, but in less child-friendly realms, somebody thought it would be a good idea to release a kid's colouring book based upon David Lynch's not-for-kids movie adaptation of Dune.

"Mother... what colour is a corpse?"

STRETCH ARMSTRONG AND STRETCH MONSTER

What exactly is the nature of the relationship between Stretch Armstrong and Stretch Monster? Their colouring book doesn't exactly shy away from it.

Well, you would do after a day like that.

X-MEN

We can but hope that Bryan Singer will base his next X-Men movie on this 1983 colouring book's collection of batshit surreal whimsy.

Of course - a mutant master of magnetism would create a "pet" that could destroy his arch-enemies by flinging letters at them from its gaping mouth.

"STING."

Nightcrawler's encounter with The Alphabet Pet might be even madder than Wolverine's. His retort to The Alphabet Pet's riddle - "I don't know 'cause I can't swim" - displays the wit of a six year-old. And quite why Nightcrawler starts shouting "Si! Si" - the character is German - is anyone's guess. 

​But then... so is the rest of the book.

The tables start to turn. Kitty Pryde confuses The Alphabet Pet with those tricky human emotions.

But it's left to Professor X to deliver the final blow to Magneto's grand plan.

THE BEATLES

Of course The Beatles had their own colouring book. What's a surprise is just how mundane it is.

"I play the drum..."

What exactly is this conversation about? What's going on with Ringo's fist? Maybe he's demonstrating how he "plays the drum".

DONNY & MARIE

The Osmonds weren't quite Beatles big, but in the 1970s they weren't far off. Donny & Marie were the ultimate power couple: young, good looking, great chemistry... They just happened to be brother and sister.

Here's Donny browsing a brochure for the "Bar X Ranch", whatever that might be.

Here's Marie lovingly caressing Donny's face.

Here's Donny watching Marie put a sausage in her mouth.

Here's Donny alluding to what he'd be doing if Marie wasn't around.

Here's Donny squirting Marie in the face...

WE SHALL NEVER FORGET 9/11: THE KIDS' BOOK OF FREEDOM

Because America is genuinely off its gourd, this book exists.

"Children, the truth is, these terrorist acts were done by freedom-hating radical Islamic Muslim extremists... America is FREE!"

​Sleep well tonight, everyone.

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
14 JAW-DROPPINGLY TERRIBLE SELF-PUBLISHED BOOKS
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