One Christmas, many years ago, I asked my parents for a watch. Of course, I didn't want any old watch: I wanted one of those new digital watches, which all my friends were getting. Foolishly, I assumed that my mother would understand this, and forgot to specify on my Christmas list the type of watch I wanted. Consequently, on Christmas morning I had to feign appreciation as I unwrapped an old-fashioned analogue watch.
"Is this a wind-up?" I probably should've asked, hilariously.
Adding insult to injury, it was a footballer-themed watch - a player's vibrating leg operated as some sort of second hand, as if he was having a seizure - and I didn't even like football.
When I returned to school after the holidays, it was without a watch on my wrist. Gallingly, Patrick Frieze was there in the playground, proudly showing off his massive new calculator watch, and asked me if I got the watch I'd asked for.
"Yeah," I mumbled...
"Digital?"
"Yes."
"Good man. Let's see it."
"I left it at home, in case it got damaged."
I did eventually get a digital watch, but it had a metal strap, and it used to pinch my skin. Be careful what you wish for, chillen.
Hey - did you know that you used to be able to play games on your watches? Of course you did. Here's a gallery of some of those things what I just done mentioned an ting.
"Is this a wind-up?" I probably should've asked, hilariously.
Adding insult to injury, it was a footballer-themed watch - a player's vibrating leg operated as some sort of second hand, as if he was having a seizure - and I didn't even like football.
When I returned to school after the holidays, it was without a watch on my wrist. Gallingly, Patrick Frieze was there in the playground, proudly showing off his massive new calculator watch, and asked me if I got the watch I'd asked for.
"Yeah," I mumbled...
"Digital?"
"Yes."
"Good man. Let's see it."
"I left it at home, in case it got damaged."
I did eventually get a digital watch, but it had a metal strap, and it used to pinch my skin. Be careful what you wish for, chillen.
Hey - did you know that you used to be able to play games on your watches? Of course you did. Here's a gallery of some of those things what I just done mentioned an ting.
PAC-MAN
Nelsonic were one of the key players in the licensed wristwatch game, for about a decade from the early 80s. It released gaming watches based on everything from Barbie to Ghostbusters to GI Joe. It was also responsible for a bunch of Nintendo-licensed watches (more on those shortly, and not to be confused with Nintendo's own Game & Watch brand).
Amusingly, one of its final products - before being acquired by watch manufacturer M.Z. Berger, who continue to use the Nelsonic brand on regular, non-gaming, watches - was a virtual pet called Dinky Dino's Watch. Alas, it had nothing to do with the similar-named Kick-Off creator, Dinosaur Dinisaur. Although he is quite dinky.
Amusingly, one of its final products - before being acquired by watch manufacturer M.Z. Berger, who continue to use the Nelsonic brand on regular, non-gaming, watches - was a virtual pet called Dinky Dino's Watch. Alas, it had nothing to do with the similar-named Kick-Off creator, Dinosaur Dinisaur. Although he is quite dinky.
SPACE HERO
Inevitably, the other big player in wrist-based fun (steady now...) was Casio.
Having achieved some success with a watch featuring a built-in calculator - which also included a very basic version of Space Invaders (it utilised numbers in the place of aliens) - Casio leapt more fully into capitalising on the increasing popularity of video games.
Though virtually unplayable, unless you had fingers the size of twigs, Casio's games became ever more ambitious. By the end of their run, there were around 40 Casio game wartches. I mention that incredibly interesting statistic only so that you don't have to go to the effort of looking it up. Five minutes of your life I've saved you there.
Having achieved some success with a watch featuring a built-in calculator - which also included a very basic version of Space Invaders (it utilised numbers in the place of aliens) - Casio leapt more fully into capitalising on the increasing popularity of video games.
Though virtually unplayable, unless you had fingers the size of twigs, Casio's games became ever more ambitious. By the end of their run, there were around 40 Casio game wartches. I mention that incredibly interesting statistic only so that you don't have to go to the effort of looking it up. Five minutes of your life I've saved you there.
TETRIS
"From Russia... WITH FUN!" was the slogan that they sold Tetris on - a phrase that is less and less successful the more you think about it.
Indeed, the theming of Nelsonic's Tetris watch - though branded with the Nintendo logo - went the full-Russian, with its red plastic, and onion domes. Indeed, it couldn't have felt more Russian if it had a beetroot glued to it, and leaked vodka all over your wrist, and tried to hack your emails, and persecuted homosexuals.
Indeed, the theming of Nelsonic's Tetris watch - though branded with the Nintendo logo - went the full-Russian, with its red plastic, and onion domes. Indeed, it couldn't have felt more Russian if it had a beetroot glued to it, and leaked vodka all over your wrist, and tried to hack your emails, and persecuted homosexuals.
KRONOFORM "TRANSFORMING" WATCH
Not a game watch as such, but a watch you can play with. Clearly an attempt to cash in on the popularity of Transformers, Takara's Kronoform was sold amusingly on the strength of its multiple action features.
These included standing the two-inch robot on its head to put it in "battle station mode", and holding it horizontally to place it into "galactic shuttle mode". The less said about its "rectal suppository mode" the better (you had to put it up your bottom).
"David, why is your anus bleeping?"
"That's not my anus - it's my Kronoform."
"You do realise there's blood dripping down the back of your legs?"
"BE QUIET!"
These included standing the two-inch robot on its head to put it in "battle station mode", and holding it horizontally to place it into "galactic shuttle mode". The less said about its "rectal suppository mode" the better (you had to put it up your bottom).
"David, why is your anus bleeping?"
"That's not my anus - it's my Kronoform."
"You do realise there's blood dripping down the back of your legs?"
"BE QUIET!"
GOLF
A Casio golf game called Golf. This was a surprisingly playable game, which might be expected given its more sedate gameplay. Well, I'm assuming that. I mean, I've not played the thing. I just watched a video of it. So, who knows? It might've been awful.
After all, it is a golf game, and golf is awful, and played by almost exclusively rich old white snobs, as if they're clinging desperately to one final fragment of British colonialism.
After all, it is a golf game, and golf is awful, and played by almost exclusively rich old white snobs, as if they're clinging desperately to one final fragment of British colonialism.
SIMON
Did you know that Simon from MB Games was co-invented by Ralph H. Baer, the guy who created the Magnavox Odyssey - the first commercial home video game system? Also, did you know that Ralph H. Baer owned a grizzly bear that he called Ralph H. Bear, and that it killed and ate his wife? That last part isn't true, but could you imagine if it was? It would be the greatest love story of all time (if Ralph H. Baer fell in love with and married Ralph H. Bear).
Anyhow. Look: a Simon game watch. Can you still get Simon these days? It's all about Bop-It now isn't it? If you don't know what Bop-It is, imagine if the original Simon had suffered a breakdown, ran into the road, was struck by a bus, and catapulted into a plumbing supplies store.
Rather than feature light-up buttons, as per the original, the Simon game watch had on-screen arrows, which would point to each button in sequence, while an electronic voice bellowed "THIS!" (actually, it just beeped).
Anyhow. Look: a Simon game watch. Can you still get Simon these days? It's all about Bop-It now isn't it? If you don't know what Bop-It is, imagine if the original Simon had suffered a breakdown, ran into the road, was struck by a bus, and catapulted into a plumbing supplies store.
Rather than feature light-up buttons, as per the original, the Simon game watch had on-screen arrows, which would point to each button in sequence, while an electronic voice bellowed "THIS!" (actually, it just beeped).
SCRAMBLE FIGHTER
Yes: a first-person aerial combat game on your wrist. This is how ambitious Casio got. What players didn't realise, is that each watch had been licked by a pervert called Dirty John, who worked in Casio's manufacturing plant.
SUPER MARIO 3
Nelsonic went all out with the Mario licence - releasing no fewer than four Super Mario platform games (three of which were very loosely based on the Super Mario NES titles, and the fourth on Super Mario World). It also produced Super Mario Race, inspired by Super Mario Kart.
There isn't much more I have to add. Uh... blue buttons, yeah?
There isn't much more I have to add. Uh... blue buttons, yeah?
DONKEY KONG
Donkey Kong was the sixth Nelsonic game to feature Super Mario, albeit in his hammer-wielding "Jumpman" guise. Nicely, this watch did its best to emulate the look of an arcade cabinet, with an elongated casing. For added authenticity, you could ask a grown-up to stub out their cigarette on it.
ZELDA
I'm currently replaying the first couple of Zelda games on my NES Mini. I can therefore confirm that this wrist version is based upon the first Zelda game's dungeons.
Look at that drawing of Link though. What's going on there? Why has he got a shield sporting a crucifix? Since when did Link fight in The Crusades? That'd shake things up - if your goal in Breath of the Wild was to spread Christianity throughout Hyrule. BRRRRRZ-ZZZT!
Look at that drawing of Link though. What's going on there? Why has he got a shield sporting a crucifix? Since when did Link fight in The Crusades? That'd shake things up - if your goal in Breath of the Wild was to spread Christianity throughout Hyrule. BRRRRRZ-ZZZT!
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