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A GALLERY OF BAD BOX ART

19/7/2016

11 Comments

 
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Sadly, most contemporary video game cover art strives to be as bland and unmemorable as possible. Consequently, bad box art seems like a thing of the past. 

Fortunately, the past still exists in our minds and online. Here we trawl both to bring you another selection of terrible vintage box art.
GI HERO
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A curiously jarring juxtaposition of the horrors of war with a smirking fellow who looks as if he works as an estate agent.

"As you can see, there's a wonderful south-facing aspect, and plenty of light. And one special feature I like to point out is that the entire place is on fire and exploding."
KICK-OFF
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Sadly, not the Kick Off designed by the great Dino Dini, Kick-Off was something else altogether. And that something, judging from the cover art, is a game in which you get to play as a version of Professor Brian Cox, who has one foot larger than the other. We still would, though.
DOGS OF WAR
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The biggest crime of this inexplicable image was hiding the face of the character. Taking that away means you are left to focus on the hideously deformed anatomy (just look at his withered right forearm), and the strange way he's holding the gun.
MEGA HAWK
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Any idea what is going on here? Some sort of large, yellow bird having a spasm, as it peers at a distorted dartboard that's surrounded by purple owls? Who wouldn't buy that?
BEYOND THE BLACK HOLE
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The unfortunate implication of this image is that the pink-shirted hero appears to be showing his "black hole" to a webcam - while finding himself somewhat distracted after getting his tie caught in a bowling ball.
GHOST LION
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This more resembles a late-1980s workout tape than a video game, and conveys precisely nothing about what the game might entail.

"Let's go, girls... To the Mountains of Horath, home of the giant ghost lion!"
PACKY & MARLON
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Two cheery elephants playing with balls and apple and snorkels. Clearly they're going big on the "wacky pals" angle, and light on the whole diabetes thing. It's almost as if they weren't confident that kids would ever want to play a game about diabetes. 
SUPER MAN
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Not to be confused with Superman, Super Man is a whole different kettle of nettles. That said, he does share a penchant for skintight lycra, and sports his underpants outside his trousers. This is because he is a pervert.
CUTHBERT IN SPACE
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Cuthbert, yeah... see... Cuthbert's in space. You can just about make him out on the cover of his game, which prioritises an image of a glass-roofed space shuttle parked excitingly on some mud.
PETER PAN
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A truly revolting CGI monstrosity, with a dead-eyed Peter Pan floating away from a giant Captain Hook, as he stands bestride a small galleon. Remember, kids: just because something is new doesn't mean it's good.
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11 Comments
Seam
19/7/2016 10:12:13 am

Why would an elephant need a snorkel? Surely it's trunk is longer than the snorkel.
Maybe that was part of the gameplay - we got to find out about the elephant's snorkel needs.

I'll guess we'll never know.

Reply
Zod
19/7/2016 10:58:33 am

So Dec (of Ant & Dec) used to be an sword wielding, blonde haired drag act?

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Kelvin Green link
19/7/2016 06:30:59 pm

I knew that cheeky smile looked familiar!

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Blerkotron
19/7/2016 08:45:28 pm

GI Hero, from an alternate universe where Al Pacino played Rambo.

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Damon link
19/7/2016 09:27:30 pm

You are aware of Captain Novolin the actual game about diabetes, yes?/

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Bear_of_Justice
19/7/2016 11:28:02 pm

You, sir, have outdone yourself.

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David W
20/7/2016 10:43:29 am

Peter Pan was a relatively mild transgression from Phoenix Games (which nicked art from Kingdom Hearts, not that it helped much.)

Their boxes generally demonstrate an utter indifference to quality, consistent with the games inside. Highlights include the transcendentally terrifying Princess Snow White, and whatever that bear and pig are doing at the bottom of Animal Soccer World.

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Cc
20/7/2016 12:11:59 pm

I love it when bears and pigs are doing 'stuff'

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Superbeast 37
20/7/2016 01:49:58 pm

I was most disturbed by Brian Cox not casting a shadow.

I didn't realise 2600 games were £9.99. I guess that price point become popular long before the "full price" 8 bit computer games.

Reply
@Alexisms
20/7/2016 04:57:05 pm

2600 games were around £30 each. That must've been, surprisingly, in the bargain bin.

Reply
jdanddiet link
3/5/2017 02:03:39 pm

...from 1984 onwards I'd hazard a guess




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