Who would have thought... you, of all people, getting to do your work experience alongside no other than Donald J. Trump himself?
From his role on the American version of The Apprentice, to becoming a serial billionaire, to running to be the Republican candidate for the US presidency, he's one of the most famous men on the planet.
And you're going to see him up close and personal! Let's not hang around any longer - you don't want to miss your train!
From his role on the American version of The Apprentice, to becoming a serial billionaire, to running to be the Republican candidate for the US presidency, he's one of the most famous men on the planet.
And you're going to see him up close and personal! Let's not hang around any longer - you don't want to miss your train!
YOU ARRIVE AT TRUMP TOWER BANG ON SCHEDULE, AT 12.42PM - JUST LIKE THEY ASKED. IT'S YOUR FIRST TIME IN THE BIG CITY, AND YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A MORE GLORIOUS OR SHINY EDIFICE.
ALL AROUND YOU, PEOPLE ARE WALKING BLINDLY TO THEIR DEATHS BENEATH THE WHEELS OF TRUCKS AND CARS, AS THEY STARE UP AT THE MAGNIFICENT GOLDEN BUILDING.
ALL AROUND YOU, PEOPLE ARE WALKING BLINDLY TO THEIR DEATHS BENEATH THE WHEELS OF TRUCKS AND CARS, AS THEY STARE UP AT THE MAGNIFICENT GOLDEN BUILDING.
YOU PUSH THROUGH THE REVOLVING DOORS - WHICH ARE STRANGELY CLAMMY, LIKE THEY'VE BEEN WIPED DOWN WITH A WET HAM - AND ENTER THE LOBBY.
IT'S EXACTLY AS YOU'D IMAGINED: TRUMP TOWER IS KEPT AT A CONSTANT HUMIDITY LEVEL OF 99.3%, AND THE SOUND OF AUTOTUNED MAGPIES IS PIPED THROUGHOUT THE BUILDING. AN ARCTIC FOX FLIPS BACK AND FORTH BENEATH A GLASS DOME ATOP AN ORNATE PLINTH.
YOU LOOK AROUND, TAKING IT ALL IN, BEFORE STROLLING UP TO THE TINY RECEPTIONIST.
IT'S EXACTLY AS YOU'D IMAGINED: TRUMP TOWER IS KEPT AT A CONSTANT HUMIDITY LEVEL OF 99.3%, AND THE SOUND OF AUTOTUNED MAGPIES IS PIPED THROUGHOUT THE BUILDING. AN ARCTIC FOX FLIPS BACK AND FORTH BENEATH A GLASS DOME ATOP AN ORNATE PLINTH.
YOU LOOK AROUND, TAKING IT ALL IN, BEFORE STROLLING UP TO THE TINY RECEPTIONIST.
"CAN I HELP YOU?" SHE WHIMPERS, AS IF TERRIFIED.
"I'M HERE TO DO MY WORK EXPERIENCE WITH DONALD J. TRUMP," YOU REPLY, PROUDLY.
"I'M HERE TO DO MY WORK EXPERIENCE WITH DONALD J. TRUMP," YOU REPLY, PROUDLY.
"T-TAKE MR TRUMP'S PRIVATE ELEVATOR TO H-HIS P-P-PENTHOUSE OFFICE," SHE STAMMERS, THOUGH RASPING, PAINFUL SOBS, BEFORE SCAMPERING AWAY INTO AN AIR VENT.
HER PANICKED SHRIEKS ECHO AS SHE DISAPPEARS DEEPER INTO THE METALLIC BOWELS OF THE BUILDING.
YOU GRAB A HANDFUL OF FREE MINTS FROM THE DISH ATOP HER DESK, AND THEN HEAD OVER TO THE ELEVATOR.
HER PANICKED SHRIEKS ECHO AS SHE DISAPPEARS DEEPER INTO THE METALLIC BOWELS OF THE BUILDING.
YOU GRAB A HANDFUL OF FREE MINTS FROM THE DISH ATOP HER DESK, AND THEN HEAD OVER TO THE ELEVATOR.
YOU STEP OUT OF THE ELEVATOR INTO TRUMP'S PALATIAL OFFICE.
IT'S EVERYTHING YOU'D EXPECT FROM THE OUTSPOKEN BILLIONAIRE, SEEMING TO SIMULTANEOUSLY DEFY BOTH THE LAWS OF PHYSICS AND DECENCY, WHILE MAKING YOU FEEL A BIT NAUSEOUS. THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN RECENTLY-SHED HAIR.
AND THERE AT THE HEART OF THE MADNESS, SAT IN A MASSIVE REVOLVING CHAIR WITH HIS BACK TO YOU, IS TRUMP HIMSELF, PROBABLY.
IT'S EVERYTHING YOU'D EXPECT FROM THE OUTSPOKEN BILLIONAIRE, SEEMING TO SIMULTANEOUSLY DEFY BOTH THE LAWS OF PHYSICS AND DECENCY, WHILE MAKING YOU FEEL A BIT NAUSEOUS. THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN RECENTLY-SHED HAIR.
AND THERE AT THE HEART OF THE MADNESS, SAT IN A MASSIVE REVOLVING CHAIR WITH HIS BACK TO YOU, IS TRUMP HIMSELF, PROBABLY.
"I AM DONALD J. TRUMP," SAYS THE PROBABLE TRUMP, SPINNING AROUND TO FACE YOU, WITH A BAG OVER HIS HEAD. "WHOM BE YOU?"
"MY SCHOOL SENT ME," YOU SAY. "I'M HERE TO DO WORK EXPERIENCE."
"HMMM..." SAYS TRUMP, FROM BENEATH HIS BAG.
"HMMM-HMMM," HE REPEATS FOR EMPHASIS.
"MY SCHOOL SENT ME," YOU SAY. "I'M HERE TO DO WORK EXPERIENCE."
"HMMM..." SAYS TRUMP, FROM BENEATH HIS BAG.
"HMMM-HMMM," HE REPEATS FOR EMPHASIS.
"I WASN'T EXPECTING YOU TO APPEAR TO ME LIKE THIS," YOU SAY.
"I AM ANGERED BY YOUR HONESTY," BELLOWS TRUMP, THUMPING THE DESKTOP WITH HIS LEFT FLANK. "DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT I WEAR THIS BAG BETWEEN PUBLIC APPEARANCES, SO THAT FACE VULTURES DO NOT STEAL MY EYES?"
"I DID NOT KNOW THAT," YOU REPLY. "I WASN'T TOLD. I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF FACE VULTURES."
"GAH!" SAYS TRUMP, RUDELY. "GAH-GA-KAW! K-KAW!"
"I AM ANGERED BY YOUR HONESTY," BELLOWS TRUMP, THUMPING THE DESKTOP WITH HIS LEFT FLANK. "DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT I WEAR THIS BAG BETWEEN PUBLIC APPEARANCES, SO THAT FACE VULTURES DO NOT STEAL MY EYES?"
"I DID NOT KNOW THAT," YOU REPLY. "I WASN'T TOLD. I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF FACE VULTURES."
"GAH!" SAYS TRUMP, RUDELY. "GAH-GA-KAW! K-KAW!"
YOU GLANCE DOWN AT THE OPEN BRIEFCASE ON TRUMP'S DESK, AS TRUMP STRUTS AROUND MAKING BIRD NOISES. UNFORTUNATELY, HE SPOTS YOU MOVING IN FOR A CLOSER LOOK.
"DON'T LOOK IN THERE!" HE SNAPS, BEFORE STRUGGLING TO SLAM IT CLOSED. "THOSE ARE MY MOST PRIVATE ITEMS. I ADHERE THEM ABOUT MY PERSON USING A COMBINATION OF VELCRO AND SPUME."
"DON'T LOOK IN THERE!" HE SNAPS, BEFORE STRUGGLING TO SLAM IT CLOSED. "THOSE ARE MY MOST PRIVATE ITEMS. I ADHERE THEM ABOUT MY PERSON USING A COMBINATION OF VELCRO AND SPUME."
"YOU'RE THE NOSIEST WORK EXPERIENCE CHILD I'VE EVER HAD IN HERE (IN A WHILE)," CHIDES TRUMP WHILE SCUTTLING BACK AND FORTH LIKE A CRAB, AND EMITTING A WEIRD BUM SMELL.
"JUST AS WELL FOR YOU THAT MURDER IS ILLEGAL IN THIS STATE, OR I'D HAVE YOU BENT OVER AND KICKED OUT OF THAT WINDOW.
"COME ON. I'LL SHOW YOU THE BEAR."
"JUST AS WELL FOR YOU THAT MURDER IS ILLEGAL IN THIS STATE, OR I'D HAVE YOU BENT OVER AND KICKED OUT OF THAT WINDOW.
"COME ON. I'LL SHOW YOU THE BEAR."
"THIS IS BROWN-LIPS THE TRUMP TOWER BEAR," DROOLS TRUMP, AS HE LEADS YOU INTO A NEIGHBOURING OFFICE.
"DON'T WORRY," HE ADDS. "WE KEEP HIM DRUNK SO THAT IT'S SAFE TO DO THIS."
TRUMP CHORTLES, AS HE TAKES A FEW STEPS BACKWARDS BEFORE EXTENDING HIS FIST AT ARM'S LENGTH, AND CHARGING THE DAZED BEAR AT CONSIDERABLE SPEED. TRUMP'S FIST CONNECTS HARD WITH THE BEWILDERED ANIMAL'S SNOUT, BUT TRUMP IMMEDIATELY DROPS TO HIS KNEES, CLUTCHING HIS ARM IN PAIN.
"OW!!!" HE CRIES. "I SHOULD'VE BENT AT THE ELBOW. THE IMPACT OF MY PUNCH TRAVELLED DOWN MY ARM AND NOW IT HURTS REAL BAD."
"DON'T WORRY," HE ADDS. "WE KEEP HIM DRUNK SO THAT IT'S SAFE TO DO THIS."
TRUMP CHORTLES, AS HE TAKES A FEW STEPS BACKWARDS BEFORE EXTENDING HIS FIST AT ARM'S LENGTH, AND CHARGING THE DAZED BEAR AT CONSIDERABLE SPEED. TRUMP'S FIST CONNECTS HARD WITH THE BEWILDERED ANIMAL'S SNOUT, BUT TRUMP IMMEDIATELY DROPS TO HIS KNEES, CLUTCHING HIS ARM IN PAIN.
"OW!!!" HE CRIES. "I SHOULD'VE BENT AT THE ELBOW. THE IMPACT OF MY PUNCH TRAVELLED DOWN MY ARM AND NOW IT HURTS REAL BAD."
YOUR CONSCIENCE GETS THE BETTER OF YOU, AND SO YOU TURN TO TRUMP AND ASK "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?"
"YOU'RE RIGHT," AGREES TRUMP, MISSING THE POINT. "I SHOULD'VE JUST KICKED HIM UP BETWEEN THE ASS LIKE I DO MOST OTHER BREEDS OF DOG. COME ON - I'LL SHOW YOU A REALLY COOL TOILET."
"YOU'RE RIGHT," AGREES TRUMP, MISSING THE POINT. "I SHOULD'VE JUST KICKED HIM UP BETWEEN THE ASS LIKE I DO MOST OTHER BREEDS OF DOG. COME ON - I'LL SHOW YOU A REALLY COOL TOILET."
"HA HA!" LAUGHS TRUMP, POINTING REPEATEDLY AT THE TOILET HE PROMISED TO SHOW YOU. "IT'S BEEN DOING THAT FOR ABOUT TWO WEEKS AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY!"
TRUMP JUST STANDS, LAUGHING AT THE TOILET, FOR SEVERAL MINUTES, WHILE CONTINUING TO POINT.
TRUMP JUST STANDS, LAUGHING AT THE TOILET, FOR SEVERAL MINUTES, WHILE CONTINUING TO POINT.
EVENTUALLY, TRUMP TEARS HIMSELF AWAY FROM THE ERUPTING LAVATORY, AND ASKS YOU A QUESTION: "WHO AM I?"
"WHY, YOU'RE DONALD J. TRUMP," YOU REPLY, WITH AN EXCITED LITTLE CLAP, AND A LICK OF YOUR LIPS.
"WRONG," INSISTS TRUMP. "I'M AMERICA'S UNCLE. EVERYBODY LOVES ME, EVEN WHEN I'M RACIST OR SEXIST. I CAN DO ANYTHING...
"I'M AVUNCULAR UNCLE TRUMP! ISN'T THAT RIGHT, YOUNG JEREMY?"
"YES," CONCURS YOUNG JEREMY, PUFFING ON A CIGARETTE. "YES THAT IS RIGHT."
"WHY, YOU'RE DONALD J. TRUMP," YOU REPLY, WITH AN EXCITED LITTLE CLAP, AND A LICK OF YOUR LIPS.
"WRONG," INSISTS TRUMP. "I'M AMERICA'S UNCLE. EVERYBODY LOVES ME, EVEN WHEN I'M RACIST OR SEXIST. I CAN DO ANYTHING...
"I'M AVUNCULAR UNCLE TRUMP! ISN'T THAT RIGHT, YOUNG JEREMY?"
"YES," CONCURS YOUNG JEREMY, PUFFING ON A CIGARETTE. "YES THAT IS RIGHT."
AND WITH THAT, DONALD J. TRUMP LAUNCHES INTO AN ELABORATE MUSICAL NUMBER - 'AVUNCULAR UNCLE TRUMP' - AS DANCERS AND BACKING SINGERS SLITHER FORTH FROM HIDDEN COMPARTMENTS IN THE WALLS.
THE PERFORMANCE IS SLICK AND WELL-REHEARSED. IT IS ONLY TRUMP HIMSELF WHO DOES NOT SEEM ENTIRELY CONVINCED BY THE HIGH-KICKS AND BRASS STABS.
GRADUALLY, HIS ENERGY LEVELS FALTER, AND HE CALLS A HALT TO THE SEQUENCE WITH A FLURRY OF HAND WAVING, AND PELVIC THRUSTS.
"SORRY, GUYS," HE LAMENTS. "I'M JUST NOT FEELING IT."
WITHOUT A WORD, THE DANCERS RETURN TO THEIR PLACES OF CONCEALMENT.
GRADUALLY, HIS ENERGY LEVELS FALTER, AND HE CALLS A HALT TO THE SEQUENCE WITH A FLURRY OF HAND WAVING, AND PELVIC THRUSTS.
"SORRY, GUYS," HE LAMENTS. "I'M JUST NOT FEELING IT."
WITHOUT A WORD, THE DANCERS RETURN TO THEIR PLACES OF CONCEALMENT.
"I FEAR I HAVE DISAPPOINTED YOU," LAMENTS TRUMP. "YOU CAME HERE FOR WORK EXPERIENCE, AND ALL I HAVE DONE IS SHOW OFF. I JUST WANTED YOU TO LIKE ME. PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE NOT DISAPPOINTED."
"I AM DISAPPOINTED," YOU REPLY, HONESTLY.
"THIS IS REAL BAD NEWS," WAILS TRUMP. "I'M RUNNING TO BECOME PRESIDENT AT THE MOMENT. WHAT IF THIS IS A TURNING POINT? WHAT IF EVERYONE BECAME DISAPPOINTED IN ME? POLITICS IS JUST A DAMN POPULARITY CONTEST AFTER ALL."
"I HAVE NO OPINION ON ANY OF THAT," YOU ADMIT, BEFORE LEAVING TRUMP TOWER FOR THE VERY LAST TIME.
"I AM DISAPPOINTED," YOU REPLY, HONESTLY.
"THIS IS REAL BAD NEWS," WAILS TRUMP. "I'M RUNNING TO BECOME PRESIDENT AT THE MOMENT. WHAT IF THIS IS A TURNING POINT? WHAT IF EVERYONE BECAME DISAPPOINTED IN ME? POLITICS IS JUST A DAMN POPULARITY CONTEST AFTER ALL."
"I HAVE NO OPINION ON ANY OF THAT," YOU ADMIT, BEFORE LEAVING TRUMP TOWER FOR THE VERY LAST TIME.
AS YOU EXIT THE BUILDING, YOU LOOK UP AND SEE DONALD J. TRUMP LOOKING DOWN AT YOU, HIS SHOULDERS SAGGING. HE MIGHT BE A BILLIONAIRE AND IMMENSELY POWERFUL, YOU THINK TO YOURSELF, BUT IS HE REALLY HAPPY?
UNFORTUNATELY, THIS IS THE LAST THOUGHT YOU WILL EVER HAVE, AS YOU ARE ALMOST IMMEDIATELY HIT BY A YELLOW NEW YORK CITY TAXI AND KILLED.
YOUR FUNERAL IS HELD A WEEK LATER, AND AMONG THE FLORAL TRIBUTES IS ONE FROM DONALD J TRUMP HIMSELF...
UNFORTUNATELY, THIS IS THE LAST THOUGHT YOU WILL EVER HAVE, AS YOU ARE ALMOST IMMEDIATELY HIT BY A YELLOW NEW YORK CITY TAXI AND KILLED.
YOUR FUNERAL IS HELD A WEEK LATER, AND AMONG THE FLORAL TRIBUTES IS ONE FROM DONALD J TRUMP HIMSELF...
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