
From his role on the American version of The Apprentice, to becoming a serial billionaire, to running to be the Republican candidate for the US presidency, he's one of the most famous men on the planet.
And you're going to see him up close and personal! Let's not hang around any longer - you don't want to miss your train!
ALL AROUND YOU, PEOPLE ARE WALKING BLINDLY TO THEIR DEATHS BENEATH THE WHEELS OF TRUCKS AND CARS, AS THEY STARE UP AT THE MAGNIFICENT GOLDEN BUILDING.
IT'S EXACTLY AS YOU'D IMAGINED: TRUMP TOWER IS KEPT AT A CONSTANT HUMIDITY LEVEL OF 99.3%, AND THE SOUND OF AUTOTUNED MAGPIES IS PIPED THROUGHOUT THE BUILDING. AN ARCTIC FOX FLIPS BACK AND FORTH BENEATH A GLASS DOME ATOP AN ORNATE PLINTH.
YOU LOOK AROUND, TAKING IT ALL IN, BEFORE STROLLING UP TO THE TINY RECEPTIONIST.
"I'M HERE TO DO MY WORK EXPERIENCE WITH DONALD J. TRUMP," YOU REPLY, PROUDLY.
HER PANICKED SHRIEKS ECHO AS SHE DISAPPEARS DEEPER INTO THE METALLIC BOWELS OF THE BUILDING.
YOU GRAB A HANDFUL OF FREE MINTS FROM THE DISH ATOP HER DESK, AND THEN HEAD OVER TO THE ELEVATOR.
IT'S EVERYTHING YOU'D EXPECT FROM THE OUTSPOKEN BILLIONAIRE, SEEMING TO SIMULTANEOUSLY DEFY BOTH THE LAWS OF PHYSICS AND DECENCY, WHILE MAKING YOU FEEL A BIT NAUSEOUS. THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN RECENTLY-SHED HAIR.
AND THERE AT THE HEART OF THE MADNESS, SAT IN A MASSIVE REVOLVING CHAIR WITH HIS BACK TO YOU, IS TRUMP HIMSELF, PROBABLY.
"MY SCHOOL SENT ME," YOU SAY. "I'M HERE TO DO WORK EXPERIENCE."
"HMMM..." SAYS TRUMP, FROM BENEATH HIS BAG.
"HMMM-HMMM," HE REPEATS FOR EMPHASIS.
"I AM ANGERED BY YOUR HONESTY," BELLOWS TRUMP, THUMPING THE DESKTOP WITH HIS LEFT FLANK. "DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT I WEAR THIS BAG BETWEEN PUBLIC APPEARANCES, SO THAT FACE VULTURES DO NOT STEAL MY EYES?"
"I DID NOT KNOW THAT," YOU REPLY. "I WASN'T TOLD. I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF FACE VULTURES."
"GAH!" SAYS TRUMP, RUDELY. "GAH-GA-KAW! K-KAW!"
"DON'T LOOK IN THERE!" HE SNAPS, BEFORE STRUGGLING TO SLAM IT CLOSED. "THOSE ARE MY MOST PRIVATE ITEMS. I ADHERE THEM ABOUT MY PERSON USING A COMBINATION OF VELCRO AND SPUME."
"JUST AS WELL FOR YOU THAT MURDER IS ILLEGAL IN THIS STATE, OR I'D HAVE YOU BENT OVER AND KICKED OUT OF THAT WINDOW.
"COME ON. I'LL SHOW YOU THE BEAR."
"DON'T WORRY," HE ADDS. "WE KEEP HIM DRUNK SO THAT IT'S SAFE TO DO THIS."
TRUMP CHORTLES, AS HE TAKES A FEW STEPS BACKWARDS BEFORE EXTENDING HIS FIST AT ARM'S LENGTH, AND CHARGING THE DAZED BEAR AT CONSIDERABLE SPEED. TRUMP'S FIST CONNECTS HARD WITH THE BEWILDERED ANIMAL'S SNOUT, BUT TRUMP IMMEDIATELY DROPS TO HIS KNEES, CLUTCHING HIS ARM IN PAIN.
"OW!!!" HE CRIES. "I SHOULD'VE BENT AT THE ELBOW. THE IMPACT OF MY PUNCH TRAVELLED DOWN MY ARM AND NOW IT HURTS REAL BAD."
"YOU'RE RIGHT," AGREES TRUMP, MISSING THE POINT. "I SHOULD'VE JUST KICKED HIM UP BETWEEN THE ASS LIKE I DO MOST OTHER BREEDS OF DOG. COME ON - I'LL SHOW YOU A REALLY COOL TOILET."
TRUMP JUST STANDS, LAUGHING AT THE TOILET, FOR SEVERAL MINUTES, WHILE CONTINUING TO POINT.
"WHY, YOU'RE DONALD J. TRUMP," YOU REPLY, WITH AN EXCITED LITTLE CLAP, AND A LICK OF YOUR LIPS.
"WRONG," INSISTS TRUMP. "I'M AMERICA'S UNCLE. EVERYBODY LOVES ME, EVEN WHEN I'M RACIST OR SEXIST. I CAN DO ANYTHING...
"I'M AVUNCULAR UNCLE TRUMP! ISN'T THAT RIGHT, YOUNG JEREMY?"
"YES," CONCURS YOUNG JEREMY, PUFFING ON A CIGARETTE. "YES THAT IS RIGHT."
GRADUALLY, HIS ENERGY LEVELS FALTER, AND HE CALLS A HALT TO THE SEQUENCE WITH A FLURRY OF HAND WAVING, AND PELVIC THRUSTS.
"SORRY, GUYS," HE LAMENTS. "I'M JUST NOT FEELING IT."
WITHOUT A WORD, THE DANCERS RETURN TO THEIR PLACES OF CONCEALMENT.
"I AM DISAPPOINTED," YOU REPLY, HONESTLY.
"THIS IS REAL BAD NEWS," WAILS TRUMP. "I'M RUNNING TO BECOME PRESIDENT AT THE MOMENT. WHAT IF THIS IS A TURNING POINT? WHAT IF EVERYONE BECAME DISAPPOINTED IN ME? POLITICS IS JUST A DAMN POPULARITY CONTEST AFTER ALL."
"I HAVE NO OPINION ON ANY OF THAT," YOU ADMIT, BEFORE LEAVING TRUMP TOWER FOR THE VERY LAST TIME.
UNFORTUNATELY, THIS IS THE LAST THOUGHT YOU WILL EVER HAVE, AS YOU ARE ALMOST IMMEDIATELY HIT BY A YELLOW NEW YORK CITY TAXI AND KILLED.
YOUR FUNERAL IS HELD A WEEK LATER, AND AMONG THE FLORAL TRIBUTES IS ONE FROM DONALD J TRUMP HIMSELF...