We're torn - and we're not just talking about our sphincters. You see, there has been a trend in recent years towards deliberately bad games. Unfortunately, we don't entirely know how we feel about it.
While we've nothing against people doing intentionally bad things for the sniffs and the giggles (just look at this website, for pity's sake), there's something a tad irritating when it's merely being done with the sole intention of provoking some whooping YouTuber into making a Let's Play video.
Nevertheless, it's a trend that seems determined to continue, and we felt it was about time somebody made a list of some of these so-called "joke" games.
Why? Because these days, lists are all anyone reads. Want to get the kids into religion? Just bring out a new version of The Bible that's written entirely in listicle form: "10 Things Jesus Did At The Wedding In Cana LOL"! Plus, let's not forget that God started all this list nonsense with his so-called "10 Commandments You Totes Need To Obey".
Finally: does anyone know the number of a good anus doctor? It's for a friend (his name is "Sphinctus Bum-Tear").
While we've nothing against people doing intentionally bad things for the sniffs and the giggles (just look at this website, for pity's sake), there's something a tad irritating when it's merely being done with the sole intention of provoking some whooping YouTuber into making a Let's Play video.
Nevertheless, it's a trend that seems determined to continue, and we felt it was about time somebody made a list of some of these so-called "joke" games.
Why? Because these days, lists are all anyone reads. Want to get the kids into religion? Just bring out a new version of The Bible that's written entirely in listicle form: "10 Things Jesus Did At The Wedding In Cana LOL"! Plus, let's not forget that God started all this list nonsense with his so-called "10 Commandments You Totes Need To Obey".
Finally: does anyone know the number of a good anus doctor? It's for a friend (his name is "Sphinctus Bum-Tear").
7. DON'T BUY THIS (ZX SPECTRUM)
Publishing intentionally awful games isn't a new phenomenon. Don't Buy This might well be the first commercially-released example of this questionable art form - a 1985 anthology with the sub-title "Five Of The Worst Games Ever". It was, as you might have ascertained, as much an exercise in reverse psychology as anything.
Depressingly, the five games in question - a couple of them featuring a laser beam-emitting dog, a mediocre fruit machine, a barely functioning racing game, and a thing involving an uncontrollable weasel - weren't even bad enough to warrant being awarded a so-bad-they're-good label. This was one of those bad things that was just plain bad. You know: like finding an old leather glove in a bin, and sucking the fingers in front of your mother.
Depressingly, the five games in question - a couple of them featuring a laser beam-emitting dog, a mediocre fruit machine, a barely functioning racing game, and a thing involving an uncontrollable weasel - weren't even bad enough to warrant being awarded a so-bad-they're-good label. This was one of those bad things that was just plain bad. You know: like finding an old leather glove in a bin, and sucking the fingers in front of your mother.
6. SURGEON SIMULATOR 2013 (Various)
Starting life as a demo created as part of a 48-hour game jam, Surgeon Simulator 2013 apparently took its inspiration from the godawful Jurassic Park: Trespasser - a best-forgotten early attempt at incorporating real-world physics with first-person gameplay, via the interface of a weird, floppy arm.
Our struggles with Trespass have never quite left us, and we can confirm that both games play in an eerily similar way (basically, picking up objects merely knocks over other objects, and - in this instance - typically leads to the death of your patient). Ripe YouTube fodder; it's like an episode of casualty as filmed by a drunk with a GoPro.
Our struggles with Trespass have never quite left us, and we can confirm that both games play in an eerily similar way (basically, picking up objects merely knocks over other objects, and - in this instance - typically leads to the death of your patient). Ripe YouTube fodder; it's like an episode of casualty as filmed by a drunk with a GoPro.
5. WAITING IN LINE 3D
A self-confessed 'anti-game', in which you have to literally punch yourself in the face to stay awake, while waiting in a queue. The trick is to strike a balance between staying awake, and not punching yourself so often that you die. To confirm that this is indeed just as tedious and pointless as it sounds, you can play the game here. Solace can be taken in the realisation that the guy who made it wasted more time on it than you will.
4. GOAT SIMULATOR (Various)
Intended as a parody of other simulation games and broken sandbox game physics, an early alpha build of Goat Simulator became something of a YouTube phenomenon, and lead to it getting a proper release. As most of you probably know, it boasts a sandbox world, in which you must attempt to get a goat to perform stunts. Hilarity ensues due to the goat's ragdoll physics.
Apparently, over a million copies of Goat Simulator have now been sold, proving that bad can sometimes be good if you do something sufficiently bad. Although, we suspect that line might not stand up in court.
Apparently, over a million copies of Goat Simulator have now been sold, proving that bad can sometimes be good if you do something sufficiently bad. Although, we suspect that line might not stand up in court.
3. REALISTIC SUMMER SPORTS SIMULATOR (iOS)
The joke is right there in the title: there's nothing realistic about Justin Smith's Realistic Summer Sports Simulator, an intentionally dumb 'drag-and-drop' sports game, boasting 15 virtually identical sports. Rather than prove to be the button-basher you might expect, athletes are controlled by flinging them across the screen, via a sort of 8-bit bungee cord.
Typically, this leads to them behind dragged across the ground, or literally disappearing off screen. We have submitted a proposal to the Olympic Committee for future Olympic events to adopt this bungee method.
Typically, this leads to them behind dragged across the ground, or literally disappearing off screen. We have submitted a proposal to the Olympic Committee for future Olympic events to adopt this bungee method.
2. ENVIRO-BEAR 2000 (iOS/Android)
A personal favourite of ours, Enviro-Bear 2000 casts you as the titular bear, who has somehow gotten behind the wheel of a car. Gathering fish, eating berries, and then finding a suitable cave in which to hibernate, are all part of the bear-driving experience, given added challenge due to the hapless controls. Co-ordinating the steering wheel, gears and pedals is virtually impossible - and most games are spent attempting to reverse away from the trees you regularly crash into.
On the plus side, doing well at this game allows you to proclaim that you have "Bear skills, bruv". We suggest you follow-up this statement by removing your own head with a bread knife.
On the plus side, doing well at this game allows you to proclaim that you have "Bear skills, bruv". We suggest you follow-up this statement by removing your own head with a bread knife.
1. DEADLY PREMONITION (Xbox 360/PS3/PC)
Either The Citizen Kaine of bad games, or the video game equivalent of The Room, the jury is split as to whether Deadly Premontion is deliberately bad, or just bad. Whichever side of the divide you fall on, there's no question that its one of the most bewildering games ever devised.
Ostensibly a sort of open-world survival horror game, the tone is all over the place - supposedly dramatic scenes are underscored by jaunty music, the dialogue is burdened with non-sequiturs, the plot lurches from one weird, conversational encounter to another, it's full of bugs and quirks, and the main character seems to suffer from some sort of profound mental illness.
It's an utter mess, yet somehow Deadly Premonition is more than the sum of its parts - whether there's self-awareness behind it is anybody's guess, but it succeeds in somehow massaging a ramshackle collection of awful elements into a peculiarly entertaining classic of its genre. That genre being 'games designed by lunatics'.
Ostensibly a sort of open-world survival horror game, the tone is all over the place - supposedly dramatic scenes are underscored by jaunty music, the dialogue is burdened with non-sequiturs, the plot lurches from one weird, conversational encounter to another, it's full of bugs and quirks, and the main character seems to suffer from some sort of profound mental illness.
It's an utter mess, yet somehow Deadly Premonition is more than the sum of its parts - whether there's self-awareness behind it is anybody's guess, but it succeeds in somehow massaging a ramshackle collection of awful elements into a peculiarly entertaining classic of its genre. That genre being 'games designed by lunatics'.
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