What do you have for breakfast? We like to enjoy strips of cooked pig body, and mushed-up pig meat shoved inside a bit of intestine, plus fried fungus, something that came out of a hen's anus, and a glass of white, wet stuff that's been squirted out of a cow's boob. Mmm... delicious.
And yet... we would much rather be eating tiny effigies of our favourite video game characters. In fact, not so long ago, it was actually possible to do this.
Don't believe us? Just take a look at the ensuing and really important list.
And yet... we would much rather be eating tiny effigies of our favourite video game characters. In fact, not so long ago, it was actually possible to do this.
Don't believe us? Just take a look at the ensuing and really important list.
5. NINTENDO CEREAL SYSTEM
The Nintendo Cereal System was two cereals in one - in a neat take on the established order of things, there were two bags inside, containing a "Fruity" flavour Mario cereal, and a "Berry" flavour Zelda cereal. We could point out that berries are a fruit, but that seems a little churlish. The Mario cereal featured fruit Marios, Goombas, bombs and Bowsers, while the Zelda treats were shaped like boomerangs, life hearts, keys and shields. Much more useful, and much less troubling when you think about it.
We feel should also draw your attention to the artwork. Which was like something you'd see on the wall in a primary school classroom.
We feel should also draw your attention to the artwork. Which was like something you'd see on the wall in a primary school classroom.
4. PAC-MAN
NOW! We're alarmed by two things here. Firstly, that the Pac-Man depicted on his - NOW! - cereal box closely resembles the mascot from the defunct motorway food-slop restaurant chain Happy Eater... and secondly that he appears to be joyfully consuming "shocking pink and white" representations of his girlfriend. NOW!
8. DONKEY KONG
Crunchy Barrels of Fun, eh. We went to the doctor once complaining of that. What's going on there in that picture, though? Mario's smashing a crunchy barrel while, apparently, filling his pants. Donkey Kong looks a bit too pleased about the whole thing. And Generic Damsel-in-Distress looks as if she's finding the scenario thoroughly tedious.
Also of note is that Donkey Kong's (three) nipples are on display. We've done some research, and think this might be the only instance in the history of breakfast cereals where a simian's nipples are on display. And before you say anything... the Cocoa Pops monkey wears a t-shirt.
Also of note is that Donkey Kong's (three) nipples are on display. We've done some research, and think this might be the only instance in the history of breakfast cereals where a simian's nipples are on display. And before you say anything... the Cocoa Pops monkey wears a t-shirt.
3. DONKEY KONG JR
See? Donkey Kong Junior is wearing some sort of undignified jumpsuit. There are no nipples to see anywhere on that box. Also, this is how you do a Donkey Kong cereal - no crunchy barrels here. Just banana shapes, that are literally WILD with fruit flavour.
2. POKEMON
We're sure someone more versed in Pokemon could tell us who the blue fellow on the right is, but judging from his expression, his special power is constipation. Hopefully that is not a foreshadowing of the effect the cereal has on those eating it.
1. NEOPETS
Remember Neopets? The virtual pet website/trading card game is still going apparently. Surely kids have moved on these days? Still... at one time Neopets was big enough to justify its own breakfast cereal. We appreciate there's not a lot of dignity in reviewing the artwork from a decade-old product that was aimed at children, but - for the love of Plenrith - that box artwork is busy and horrible.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
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