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5 VIDEO GAME BREAKFAST CEREALS

27/7/2015

15 Comments

 
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What do you have for breakfast? We like to enjoy strips of cooked pig body, and mushed-up pig meat shoved inside a bit of intestine, plus fried fungus, something that came out of a hen's anus, and a glass of white, wet stuff that's been squirted out of a cow's boob. Mmm... delicious.

And yet... we would much rather be eating tiny effigies of our favourite video game characters. In fact, not so long ago, it was actually possible to do this.

Don't believe us? Just take a look at the ensuing and really important list.

5. NINTENDO CEREAL SYSTEM
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The Nintendo Cereal System was two cereals in one - in a neat take on the established order of things, there were two bags inside, containing a "Fruity" flavour Mario cereal, and a "Berry" flavour Zelda cereal. We could point out that berries are a fruit, but that seems a little churlish. The Mario cereal featured fruit Marios, Goombas, bombs and Bowsers, while the Zelda treats were shaped like boomerangs, life hearts, keys and shields. Much more useful, and much less troubling when you think about it.

We feel should also draw your attention to the artwork. Which was like something you'd see on the wall in a primary school classroom.
4. PAC-MAN
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NOW! We're alarmed by two things here. Firstly, that the Pac-Man depicted on his - NOW! - cereal box closely resembles the mascot from the defunct motorway food-slop restaurant chain Happy Eater... and secondly that he appears to be joyfully consuming  "shocking pink and white" representations of his girlfriend. NOW!
8. DONKEY KONG
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Crunchy Barrels of Fun, eh. We went to the doctor once complaining of that. What's going on there in that picture, though? Mario's smashing a crunchy barrel while, apparently, filling his pants. Donkey Kong looks a bit too pleased about the whole thing. And Generic Damsel-in-Distress looks as if she's finding the scenario thoroughly tedious. 


Also of note is that Donkey Kong's (three) nipples are on display. We've done some research, and think this might be the only instance in the history of breakfast cereals where a simian's nipples are on display. And before you say anything... the Cocoa Pops monkey wears a t-shirt. 
3. DONKEY KONG JR
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See? Donkey Kong Junior is wearing some sort of undignified jumpsuit. There are no nipples to see anywhere on that box. Also, this is how you do a Donkey Kong cereal - no crunchy barrels here. Just banana shapes, that are literally WILD with fruit flavour.
2. POKEMON
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We're sure someone more versed in Pokemon could tell us who the blue fellow on the right is, but judging from his expression, his special power is constipation. Hopefully that is not a foreshadowing of the effect the cereal has on those eating it. 
1. NEOPETS
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Remember Neopets? The virtual pet website/trading card game is still going apparently. Surely kids have moved on these days? Still... at one time Neopets was big enough to justify its own breakfast cereal. We appreciate there's not a lot of dignity in reviewing the artwork from a decade-old product that was aimed at children, but - for the love of Plenrith - that box artwork is busy and horrible.


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15 Comments
Antony Adler
27/7/2015 06:44:33 am

Appreciate lists are very subjective and that there's some sort of love / hate / cannibal thing going on but how the hell is PAC MAN not number one? I am still pining for more of it even though I last had it c. 1990?? Was bloody yummy !

Reply
Mr Biffo
27/7/2015 07:37:50 am

For the sake of clarity, Number 1 isn't necessarily best when it comes to Digilists. Unless stated.

Reply
A concerned digifan
27/7/2015 07:10:58 am

Mr Biffo, what are you eating that comes out of hen's anuses? Because eggs come out of the cloaca, not the end of the digestive tract.

Reply
Mr Biffo
27/7/2015 07:36:52 am

Believe it or not, I actually looked this up, and decided that cloaca would take too much explanation. Still... it all basically comes out of one hole, right? Also: what I am eating is hen poo.

Reply
ChorltonWheelie
27/7/2015 11:22:34 am

cloaca
[ kləʊˈeɪkə ]
NOUN
zoology
a common cavity at the end of the digestive tract for the release of both excretory and genital products in vertebrates (except most mammals) and certain invertebrates.

So, a hens arse. Two uses, just like mens winkies. That's science that.

Reply
Mr Biffo
27/7/2015 02:18:05 pm

The Great Digi2000 Hen's Anus Debate rages on...

Reply
Grandon Bill
27/7/2015 01:29:48 pm

This list of things goes 5 4 8 3 2 1, and so apparently contains a bonus thing, as possibly spat from the easter bunny's own rancid cloaca.

Thinking about that, with a bit of easy CSS you could probably have some 'reveal-o-mouse' going on.

Reply
Gaijintendo
27/7/2015 02:36:57 pm

Why have I not heard the phrase "Honkey Dong" before? It seems like people should be saying it all the time.

Reply
Frank. Chickenss
27/7/2015 04:34:12 pm

The Pac-Man one. What's wrong with a picture of him eating his girlfriend being aimed at kids?

There's nothing suggestive in that at all.

Reply
Pliny link
28/7/2015 06:41:09 am

Cloaca! Like a bird's cloaca!

Reply
Mr Biffo
28/7/2015 07:51:50 am

You're a bird's cloaca.

Reply
CrispyF
30/7/2015 03:18:59 pm

I want to upvote this, but I can't. Life is hard sometimes.

Reply
Deborah McGee
29/7/2015 06:36:19 am

Come on Kellogs! Next time I'm marching down the Morrison's cereal aisle I want to pick up a box of Kellog's Eggy Cloaca Crunch.

Reply
FEoD link
30/7/2015 11:41:44 pm

Never mind Pac Man eating tiny replicas of his girlfriend, am I the only one seeing that the "NOW" flash in the bottom corner seems to be suggestive of some erotic same Pac gender tongue on tongue action?

To be fair they're probably just doing it to get guys to buy them drinks all night, but still...

Reply
Rawce
1/8/2015 05:12:34 pm

Looks like the Scissoring Sisters to me.

Reply



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