The Christmas blockbuster season has begun, kicking off with the release of Gears 5 - no longer a game "Of War" apparently (spoiler: it is).
Over the next couple of months, publishers will be punting out big game after big game, and this is the start of it. And I can't be bothered to play it, so sorry if you were expecting a review. Here, instead, is my justification...
Over the next couple of months, publishers will be punting out big game after big game, and this is the start of it. And I can't be bothered to play it, so sorry if you were expecting a review. Here, instead, is my justification...
1. I'VE NOT SWITCHED ON MY XBOX ONE IN AT LEAST A YEAR, MAYBE MORE
When I review multiformat games, I tend to play them on the PS4, mainly because my PS4 is already set-up, the joypad is charged already, and when both machines were released I preferred the PS4 interface. The Xbox One menu might've changed since then, maybe. I dunno. Can't remember.
Doesn't matter.
Anyway, point is... I just do stuff on the PS4, and to set up the Xbox One is going to require me to find all the wires and that, and then I'll have to untangle them because I'm not very good at looking after things, and then I'll probably have to do some sort of massive system update that'll take, like, a week, and I'll have to charge the joypad - wherever I've even put the joypad - and, well, that's a lot of faff that I can't be doing with.
If I could play everything in bed on my Switch then that'd be a different story. Maybe I'll just wait until I. can play it on my laptop via Google Stadia. Yeah, that's right; I signed up for Google Stadia, so this is the perfect opportunity for you to tell me what an idiot I am!
"But you won't be able to own the games for all eternity!!!"
So what? For me that's a bonus. It's just more stuff. I can't be trusted to own stuff. Give me a physical thing and I'll inevitably weave it into one of my many nests.
I'm basically a monotreme!
Doesn't matter.
Anyway, point is... I just do stuff on the PS4, and to set up the Xbox One is going to require me to find all the wires and that, and then I'll have to untangle them because I'm not very good at looking after things, and then I'll probably have to do some sort of massive system update that'll take, like, a week, and I'll have to charge the joypad - wherever I've even put the joypad - and, well, that's a lot of faff that I can't be doing with.
If I could play everything in bed on my Switch then that'd be a different story. Maybe I'll just wait until I. can play it on my laptop via Google Stadia. Yeah, that's right; I signed up for Google Stadia, so this is the perfect opportunity for you to tell me what an idiot I am!
"But you won't be able to own the games for all eternity!!!"
So what? For me that's a bonus. It's just more stuff. I can't be trusted to own stuff. Give me a physical thing and I'll inevitably weave it into one of my many nests.
I'm basically a monotreme!
2. I'M BORED WITH GRIM AND GRITTY
I played all the Gears games up until the last one, and they were fine. I get that they were pretty influential in terms of the cover system, and all that. Thing is, part of me was always kind of turned off by how wilfully grim and gritty they were.
Big guns, big soldiers, big aliens. Crumbling buildings, and depressing-looking alien worlds. They were "heavy metal" games - and by that I mean they seemed to be aimed at the sorts of kids who once bought Pantera and Sepultura albums.
And that's fine. Each to their own, but just so you know, certain boys that I used to go to school with: wearing heavy metal t-shirts and growing your hair and doing that Devil horns thing with your hand doesn't make you scary or dangerous. Let's face it, you spend your weekends painting little lead figures.
"Woooh! What a badass!"
I sort of remember Gears 4 being a bit less grim and gritty than its predecessors, and going a little deeper into the characters themselves... but I also remember the series as a whole just being so sort of self-consciously weighty.
Loads of gore, loads of shooting, big, nasty-looking, monsters, characters wracked with grief and being worn down by the trials of war, while simultaneously revelling in it all... I dunno. I've watched some reviews, and it just isn't inviting me in.
The real world feels dark and grim enough these days. Everyone's miserable and moaning about their problems, and how awful everything is, and I really want an escape from that.
Playing Gears 5 would be like accidentally burning a birthday cake that you've made for yourself, and instead of trying to disguise the flavour with some nice icing and sprinkles, you smear a load of dog dirt and monotreme vomit on the top.
Big guns, big soldiers, big aliens. Crumbling buildings, and depressing-looking alien worlds. They were "heavy metal" games - and by that I mean they seemed to be aimed at the sorts of kids who once bought Pantera and Sepultura albums.
And that's fine. Each to their own, but just so you know, certain boys that I used to go to school with: wearing heavy metal t-shirts and growing your hair and doing that Devil horns thing with your hand doesn't make you scary or dangerous. Let's face it, you spend your weekends painting little lead figures.
"Woooh! What a badass!"
I sort of remember Gears 4 being a bit less grim and gritty than its predecessors, and going a little deeper into the characters themselves... but I also remember the series as a whole just being so sort of self-consciously weighty.
Loads of gore, loads of shooting, big, nasty-looking, monsters, characters wracked with grief and being worn down by the trials of war, while simultaneously revelling in it all... I dunno. I've watched some reviews, and it just isn't inviting me in.
The real world feels dark and grim enough these days. Everyone's miserable and moaning about their problems, and how awful everything is, and I really want an escape from that.
Playing Gears 5 would be like accidentally burning a birthday cake that you've made for yourself, and instead of trying to disguise the flavour with some nice icing and sprinkles, you smear a load of dog dirt and monotreme vomit on the top.
3. I CAN'T BE BOTHERED WITH ONLINE MULTIPLAYER
The main campaign in Gears 5 is about 12 hours long, but a huge part of the overall game experience is, inevitably, its online modes.
I've wrestled with this ever since online multiplayer became a thing. I've had some good experiences online, but I'm coming to accept that my baseline is that I'd much rather not play against strangers. Or anyone for that matter. It's just not for me.
Aside from the fact that I prefer stories - again, games are my escape - people are usually the source of my stress, so I don't want to have to go online and play against more people who might irritate me.
Plus there's that whole thing of never being good enough at the start. You're inevitably mixed in with those who have less going on in their lives, with no responsibilities, who do little more than play online shooters all day. They're always better than me, so vast swathes of online multiplayer is walking to the battle, getting shot, respawning back where you started, and walking back into battle... ad infinitum.
How is that fun? Tell me: HOW IS THAT FUN!??
The main way I relax is by surrounding myself with as few people as possible. I don't like talking on the phone. I don't like young men who think they're better than me. I don't like walking. Why would I embark upon an activity which combined all of those things?!
I've wrestled with this ever since online multiplayer became a thing. I've had some good experiences online, but I'm coming to accept that my baseline is that I'd much rather not play against strangers. Or anyone for that matter. It's just not for me.
Aside from the fact that I prefer stories - again, games are my escape - people are usually the source of my stress, so I don't want to have to go online and play against more people who might irritate me.
Plus there's that whole thing of never being good enough at the start. You're inevitably mixed in with those who have less going on in their lives, with no responsibilities, who do little more than play online shooters all day. They're always better than me, so vast swathes of online multiplayer is walking to the battle, getting shot, respawning back where you started, and walking back into battle... ad infinitum.
How is that fun? Tell me: HOW IS THAT FUN!??
The main way I relax is by surrounding myself with as few people as possible. I don't like talking on the phone. I don't like young men who think they're better than me. I don't like walking. Why would I embark upon an activity which combined all of those things?!
4. I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE BEST XBOX ONE AVAILABLE
We know a new Xbox and PlayStation are just around the corner. I'm not about to upgrade to a Pro or Xbox One X, even if we're told that games play better on them. And that's another reason why I'm not playing Gears 5; I know I wouldn't be playing the best-looking version of it, even if best-looking means some slightly better lighting effects, and a barely-perceptible increase in resolution.
Well worth spending hundreds of pounds for, I'm sure, but I don't need Microsoft clucking and shaking their head at me, and telling me "Well, of course if you upgraded those shadows would be even deeper..."
And yet, if it was on the Switch I'd happily play it on there, even if the graphics weren't quite as good, because the convenience of the Switch outweighs almost everything else.
Well worth spending hundreds of pounds for, I'm sure, but I don't need Microsoft clucking and shaking their head at me, and telling me "Well, of course if you upgraded those shadows would be even deeper..."
And yet, if it was on the Switch I'd happily play it on there, even if the graphics weren't quite as good, because the convenience of the Switch outweighs almost everything else.
5. I NEVER LIKED THE GEARS AESTHETIC ANYWAY
It got a bit better over the years, and I appreciated that the Gears games at least looked kind of different from other games - in terms of their character designs anyway. But that sort of heaviness of the characters, with their massive heads and necks that made them look like they'd swallowed a ziggurat, and their bulky armour, sort of informed the gameplay.
Controlling them felt heavy and unwieldy.
I'm really old. Like, at this point, I think I might be the oldest person left alive on earth. My back doesn't stop hurting until around 3pm, at which point it's time for me to go to bed anyway. My knees can't really do stairs anymore. I've got arthritis in my toes... I feel constantly like I'm wading through molasses while a dozen invisible imps jab letter-openers into my skin.
I want to be characters who can run, and do double-jumps, and whirl like dervishes, rather than stomp around like a close-to-retirement age dustman trying to heft a wheelie bin over a fence.
Controlling them felt heavy and unwieldy.
I'm really old. Like, at this point, I think I might be the oldest person left alive on earth. My back doesn't stop hurting until around 3pm, at which point it's time for me to go to bed anyway. My knees can't really do stairs anymore. I've got arthritis in my toes... I feel constantly like I'm wading through molasses while a dozen invisible imps jab letter-openers into my skin.
I want to be characters who can run, and do double-jumps, and whirl like dervishes, rather than stomp around like a close-to-retirement age dustman trying to heft a wheelie bin over a fence.
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