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5 REASONS THE PS4K MIGHT BE A BAD IDEA

20/4/2016

10 Comments

 
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You may have heard the rumours that Sony is planning to launch a new version of the Playstation 4, with more powerful guts.

Reportedly, this so-called "PS4K" or "PS4.5" - apparently codenamed NEO - will be capable of playing 4K video, and have sufficient oomph under the bonnet to compete with the Oculus Rift and Vive when PlayStation VR is launched this autumn.

That all sounds like some mighty fine shizzle, but not everyone thinks that the PS4K is a good idea. ​Here are five reasons they're giving for why the PS4K/Nero might be a disaster for you personally.

IT MIGHT MAKE DEAN GAFFNEY JEALOUS OF YOU.
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Dean Gaffney used to play Robbie in EastEnders, a character who owned a dog called Wellard, who died in a bad way. We cannot be sure, but it's possible that since leaving EastEnders, Gaffney has become confused between his real life, and the life of his fictional character, who owned a dead dog called Wellard.

Furthermore, for reasons we haven't particularly given a lot of thought to, there is the potential that Gaffney might view the new PS4K as a sort of living dog thing, of the type he no longer has. With Gaffney believing himself to be the character of Robbie, whose own dog, Wellard, is a dead dog, your purchase of a PS4K could provoke feelings of jealousy within him.

There is no knowing the lengths to which a dog-jealous Gaffney would go to get back at you: turning up at your house late at night and yelping through your flap... throwing car parts and car pants onto your lawn... writing a book about you, accusing you of being a "preposterous boor"... We honestly don't know what he's capable of.
YOU MIGHT GO ALL FUNNY AND THROW IT IN THE POND.
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We all have days where we go a bit funny and throw stuff in the pond. Shoes, relations, The Domesday Book... we've all done it. There's barely even any shame in it.

The question you must ask yourself, however, is this: do you really want to spend hundreds of pounds on an upgraded version of a console you already own, only to find yourself compelled to throw it in the pond? Moistened consumer electronics rarely work as well as their parched counterparts.

Ask yourself: wouldn't that be an enormous waste of money?
A STOAT MIGHT ATTACK YOU WHILE YOU'RE STROKING YOUR PS4K.
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You don't hear much about stoats these days. For all we know, they might be extinct. Back in the 60s, 70s and 80s, stoats were pretty much all anybody spoke about. It was "stoats this" and "stoats that", and "I must buy a new winter stoat", and "That wall needs another stoat of paint", and "Please eat your porridge stoats".

Whether stoats are extinct or not is irrelevant: even a ghost stoat could come back from the grave and attack you by haunting, while you're too distracted by your shiny new hardware.

Stoats are notoriously vicious; a single stoat is capable of stripping the flesh from a donkey in 0.5 of a second. Don't let yourself be that donk'.
YOU MIGHT BUY TWO BY ACCIDENT, AND THINK THEY'RE SHOES.
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This sounds like the sort of thing a really funny clown might do, but there's every possibility that your restless clicking finger might accidentally order you two PS4Ks without you realising.

Were you then to stumble around in the dark one night, looking for your shoes, you could mistake this duo of PS4Ks for a pair of clogs - and attempt to fit your feet into them, with all the resulting pain and bone-breakage you might expect.

​Even if you do manage to fit the PS4Ks onto your shattered feet, do you really want to be seen out and about in them, clumsily clonking your way down the street, waking your neighbours, as you attempt to go about your best-left-undiscussed nocturnal activity? You're not Mr Bean, you know.
YOU MIGHT GET CONFUSED AND TRY TO FIT IT INSIDE A SMALL BEAKER.
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We don't know why you might do this, but we suppose it could happen.

​Small beakers and PS4Ks are likely to be entirely incompatible. No good will come from attempting to fir the latter into the former. At most, one or the other will break, for Christ's sake.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
10 THINGS EVERY NINETIES GAMER REMEMBERS
13 OF THE MOST BAFFLING ACTION FIGURES EVER
12 BIZARRE TOYS THAT WOULDN'T BE MADE TODAY

10 Comments
Nocturne
20/4/2016 02:12:54 pm

Wellard died?... :_:

Reply
lilock3
20/4/2016 06:19:18 pm

I've heard that Sony is considering including a pack-in *large* beaker with the PS4K. I guess that all but confirms these small beaker compatibility issues we've all heard rumours about are probably true. This is a massive oversight on Sony's part, and will lose them serious point with the hardcore (beaker) gamers.

OMG!! TEH PS4K IS DOOOMED!!!!!!

I'd say they've just handed this half-generation to MS and Ninty on a gold-plated silver platter with knobs on.

Reply
Superbeast 37
20/4/2016 06:39:16 pm

I've heard that if you buy the PS4K, there will be an 80% chance that your house will be attacked and destroyed by a kaiju.

To be honest you might as well buy a PS4K because David Cameron said that a kaiju will destroy your house anyway if we vote for Brexit!

Reply
Cc
20/4/2016 07:32:17 pm

I was going to buy one but not anymore. No way, not anymore, no.

Reply
Paulvw
20/4/2016 08:00:58 pm

My God I've already got to worry about not playing near canals and now you hit me with this!

Reply
Kara Van Park
20/4/2016 08:21:16 pm

If you're crying foul because might have to fork out £300 every three to four years to keep up with the latest console, gaming might not be the hobby for you.

Reply
AcidBeard
21/4/2016 01:16:23 am

I make a point of crying every three to four years but mainly I cry tears. I found that shitting out my eyes was a largely unpleasant experience.

Except when they announced the 64DD. Then I shat my eyes for fun and got a boob job to match except I put one boob on my back so I could bounce back and forth like a metronome. A metronome with great big honking mammaries.

Reply
Dr Kank
20/4/2016 10:30:52 pm

I'm holding out for Nintendo's NX. I've heard it's fitted with an inflatable raft like device for emergency pond situations.

Reply
AcidBeard
21/4/2016 01:25:35 am

Point 5 has far more dangerous repurcsions. Namely that in the unlikely scenario you somehow don't try to stuff it into an ill suited beaker, there is a 100% statistical probability that you will then mistake your PS4.5 for your bedside penis beaker and proceed to molest it.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/a1875847-Do-you-dunk-your-penis

Reply
FieryBirdyThing
21/4/2016 09:36:21 am

I thought people today still talked about stoats. Seems the younger generation find their - ahem - lower areas amazing.

(I don't know where that was the greatest pun-type thing I've ever made, or the worst...)

Reply



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