"Oi oi. Almost Christmas time again, then. 'Cept it has been for bloody months in our house. Him indoors had the flipping tree up since October. I put me foot down when he started playing Aled Jones. Can't stand all that whining. Walking in the Air? Squawking like a sod, more like! Ha ha.
"Anyway, I said to him 'If you think I'm putting tinsel up in the chip shop before December 1st you can think again'. What happened? Came in last Wednesday, and he'd snuck in the night before and put a flaming little plastic tree in the window, just to spite me. Stuck a picture of Aled Jones and a flipping bell to the front of the food warmer too! I ask you...!
"Anyway, I've given up on the battle. Not like I'm going to win is it? Not with him. To get us all in the mood, here's a funny list of Santas that one of our customers showed me. Have a read, and along the way I'll give you some of my top Christmas tips."
"Anyway, I said to him 'If you think I'm putting tinsel up in the chip shop before December 1st you can think again'. What happened? Came in last Wednesday, and he'd snuck in the night before and put a flaming little plastic tree in the window, just to spite me. Stuck a picture of Aled Jones and a flipping bell to the front of the food warmer too! I ask you...!
"Anyway, I've given up on the battle. Not like I'm going to win is it? Not with him. To get us all in the mood, here's a funny list of Santas that one of our customers showed me. Have a read, and along the way I'll give you some of my top Christmas tips."
32. "Need something to go on top of your tree? Why not Sellotape a load of chip forks together in a sort of star shape, and just bung it up there? Incidentally, you can get a pack of 1,000 wooden forks on Amazon for eight quid, so there's no need to come in here and take extras, because you 'dropped' yours outside..."
31. "Run out of yule logs in Aldi? Don't worry. Just get yourself a nice bit of fried cod, and cover the top in loads of bloody salt and that. Makes a lovely snowy centrepiece to any Christmas meal, I reckon."
30. "No need to waste money on expensive Christmas wreathes for your front door. Just stick some chips, chip forks, and bits of cod to an old tyre, and cover it in salt. You know: because it looks like snow and stuff. Again: buy your own forks. They're not freebies. Why would they be? Do I look like I'm made of money? We're a business - not a charity for people who want chip forks."
29. "Nothing says Christmas like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but models of Rudolph can cost upwards of £5.99 in our local garden centre. For a similar effect, get yourself a battered sausage and dip the end in some ketchup."
28. "On the 5th day of Christmas that bloke's true love gave to him five gold rings - one for every two of his fingers. Incidentally, we've just started doing calamari rings and for the price of five gold rings you'd probably get about fifty of our 'golden-fried' calamari rings. They're not selling all that well at the moment, mind. Squid's too exotic for the knuckle-dragging Philistines we get in here, probably."
27. "Is your office doing a Secret Santa this year? I was going to do one, and then I remembered I'm the only member of staff now that Marku has buggered off back to Romania, leaving me to man the fort all on my todd. Still, if you are doing one, why not give your colleague a big festive surprise by wrapping up some condiment sachets (no - they're not free; we sell them for just 25p each)?"
26. "Not being funny, yeah, but I'm struggling with these ideas. I'm not a craft-y person, y'know. I leave all that to him at home. He's always making his model boats out of matchsticks, and gawd knows what. I can't even put up a shelf without knocking myself out. No, really. Just ask him."
25. "See, he got me to put up a bathroom shelf last year, and I slipped in the bath, and whacked me head on the tap. Out cold I was apparently. He said he ran in, and I was slumped over making a funny grunting noise. He thought I was messing about and whatnot, so he started tickling me under the knees."
24. "I went to A&E, and got checked out, but I was mostly fine. Had a hell of a bump on the old noggin, mind. First time in fifteen years that I hadn't opened the shop. Which wouldn't have happened if Marku hadn't buggered off back to Romania, to be with his girlfriend, of course."
23. "Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying Marku's selfish or nothing, but he only gave me a week's notice. In most jobs you have to give at least a month. And I wouldn't have minded, but I gave him a job when a lot of others wouldn't have. He only had one arm, and tattoos all over. Sort of bloke you'd cross the road to avoid, if you know what I mean. As they say, don't judge a book, though."
22. "Heart of gold he had, old Marku. I told him to stay in touch, but he won't. You just don't do you? That's life. People move on, move away. And life's busy. I barely have time to see me parents, and they only live half an hour away... Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah - Christmas decs."
21. "I've been trying to think of a way you can make your own streamers and balloons, but to be totally honest, you might as well just go to Pound Galaxy. You can get 40 metres of streamer ribbon in there for a quid, and a pack of 25 festive balloons. I don't get why everyone thinks they have to make their own stuff. You don't have to go to John Lewis for your decs, y'know. Plenty of other places do 'em cheap. And so long as you put 'em up with Blu-Tack and pins, and not glue, you can just reuse 'em from year to year. Do I look like bloody Kirsty Allsopp?"
20. "You know what I hate the most about Christmas, though? That bloody tinsel lametta stuff. He drapes it all over the tree, and it just ends up on the floor. Then I'm the one who Hoovers it up, and it gets all wrapped around the brushes. What's wrong with baubles and lights? He has to go all out though. Always does."
19. "I mean, it was our anniversary last month. Not a special one. Eight years - that's all. And he wants to go for a meal at the Ritz. I said to him 'What do we want to go there for? If you're hungry, I'll do you a portion of chips', and he was all whiny and started saying that he wanted it to be special. I ask you - what's special about eight years? Of course, I ended up going just to shut him up. Plus, I ended up opening the shop an hour late, because of traffic. Wouldn't have happened if Marku had still been there."
18. "How do they do Christmas in Romania, anyone know? I mean, I could guess but it wouldn't be based upon anything first-hand. They probably go big on Midnight Mass, I'd have thought. And they probably have baked fish for Christmas dinner, or something like that. Or beef. If they can afford it."
17. "I've said to Marku on Facebook that he can always come over here and have Christmas dinner with us if he wants. He can bring whassername with him. I've said she's as welcome as he is. He's not replied to the message yet, though. Hasn't even read it. Him indoors tells me to stop checking, and that Marku is probably just busy. He's a fine one to talk, mind. He's looking at his phone every ten seconds."
16. "Hang on. I've gone right off course here, haven't I? I was meant to be talking about Christmas decorations, and I've just gone on about Marku. You're gonna think I've got a bit of a thing for him - ha ha! I mean, as if. He's only about 25. Dunno what he'd want with an old fart like me, even if I was single."
15. "So anyway, yeah, So, Christmas decs. So... if you can't find nothing to stick your candles in, like a festive candelabra, why not just stick them in the top of a steak and kidney pie? To make it look properly festive, sprinkle salt over the top, for a fun snow effect."
14. "I mean, I'm not being selfish am I, being annoyed that Marku went back to Romania with only a week's notice? I'm alone now in this shop for 12 hours a day sometimes. Longer at weekends. Him at home won't come in and help, because he says it's too hot for him, and he doesn't like the smell. I can't help feeling a bit on the old abandoned side. And it's not like I can just replace him. People with chip shop experience don't grow on trees you know."
13. "Maybe I should just shut the shop for a week over Christmas, get an Easyjet to Romania, and ask Marku to come back in person. Like I say, he can bring his girlfriend with him if he has to. They can have the spare room for as long as they want. Rent free and everything. Free food from the chippy. I'd even let them take one or two extra chip forks. I just need to know if it was something I did wrong."
12. "I mean, I know that sometimes I can get a bit too full on, but when I like someone I really like them. I probably shouldn't have bought him that moped and leather jacket, or asked if he wanted to come camping with me, but I wanted to motivate him, show him I appreciated all his hard work."
11. "I could tell, y'know, when I came in that day moaning about him at home, how he'd left the casserole dish in the sink for me to wash up... I could tell that Marku thought I was over-sharing. But it's impossible. I work here all day, and go home to dirty dishes? Sometimes you need to vent."
10. "Anyway. Shop bought Christmas crackers can be expensive, especially if you're entertaining for multiple guests. As an alternative, why not just get a big bit of fried skate from your local chippy, put it in the middle of the dining table, and get all of your guests to stab at it with spoons?"
9. "Ooh, and another thing I thought of - if you want to give the kids a bit of a festive treat, with a visit from Santa, but you don't have a costume, why not get some nice white fish, flake it all up, stick the flakes over your face to look like a beard, and then cover yourself in ketchup to simulate Santa's clothes? Kids would love waking up to see you stomping around their bedroom, shouting 'Ho Ho Ho!' while in that get-up."
8. "What else? Oh yeah - no Christmas bells? No problem. Just bang a couple of bits of fried chicken together while making bell noises."
7. "I'm running out of ideas here. Marku would've been a good sounding board, but, well, he's back in Romania with his girlfriend."
6. "Talking of boards.... want to get your kids one of those hoverboard things that are all the rage on our estate? Why not get them hover fishcakes instead? Let's face it - they hover about as much as those hoverboard things do. Hover my foot! They're on wheels. I've seen 'em."
5. "Incidentally, no hover boards in the shop. No skateboards either. Or roller-skates. In fact - no kids on foot neither. They come in here, and they think they can share one small portion of chips, and help themselves to the forks. One portion - one fork. That's how it works."
4. "Marku was always good at dealing with kids in the shop. They used to think they could take liberties, because of the one arm thing, but he used to leap over that counter, and grab 'em. He made one kid wee himself one time. Hysterical. He never took more than one chip fork after that though, let me tell you."
3. "One more thing I thought of - instead of one of those festive candle things, you could probably use saveloys, with matches stuck in the top. I dunno."
2. "Well, I hope you enjoyed this article. Sorry I got a bit distracted on and off and that. This time of year always stirs up the old emotions. Working long hours alone in the chippy gives me too much time with my thoughts I think. Probably need a hobby. Like I've even got the time. Ha ha!"
1. "Anyway. Better go wrap up a piece of fish for him at home. Hopefully he's got the oven on already, and heated us a couple of plates. He's good like that. Thoughtful. Thinks ahead. Well, Merry Christmas, everyone. And if you're reading this - Merry Christmas, Marku."
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