Do you know the worst thing about not being one of those racists? It's this: worrying that you might've done something inadvertently racist.
There's probably a wonderful freedom in knowing, and not caring, about your prejudices. For the rest of us - particularly those wracked with a sort of white, middle class, British guilt - life can be a maze of self-condemnation.
Take this article you're about to read. It's a load of African movie posters from the 80s and 90s, some of which are rather liberal interpretations of Hollywood blockbusters. Viewed through the conditioning of our own culture and ignorance we find them really funny, which probably wasn't their original intent.
Is that racist? It might be a bit patronising - a consequence of our cosseted ignorance - but probably no more patronising than Bono and Bob Geldof have a tendency to be with their self-serving philanthropy. Still, at least we're honest about it, and not pampered billionaires. And the posters are really funny. Please be aware... you might need a strong stomach for some of these...
There's probably a wonderful freedom in knowing, and not caring, about your prejudices. For the rest of us - particularly those wracked with a sort of white, middle class, British guilt - life can be a maze of self-condemnation.
Take this article you're about to read. It's a load of African movie posters from the 80s and 90s, some of which are rather liberal interpretations of Hollywood blockbusters. Viewed through the conditioning of our own culture and ignorance we find them really funny, which probably wasn't their original intent.
Is that racist? It might be a bit patronising - a consequence of our cosseted ignorance - but probably no more patronising than Bono and Bob Geldof have a tendency to be with their self-serving philanthropy. Still, at least we're honest about it, and not pampered billionaires. And the posters are really funny. Please be aware... you might need a strong stomach for some of these...
32. MISSION IMPOSSIBLE
Is that Tom Cruise... or a pig-faced Joe Pasquale?
31. THE SEED OF LIFE 2
We somehow missed out on the original Seed of Life, so we can only imagine what's going on here. Are they... are they... turning into... ice cream cones?
30. I HATE MY VILLAGE
These gentlemen hate their village so much that they've taken to eating their fellow villagers. That seems rather an extreme reaction, but at least they look a bit guilty about it, sort of a case of... "Should we be doing this?".
29. RISE AND FALL OF IDI AMIN
Digitiser2000's Mr Biffo once invited some Ugandan school teachers to spend Bonfire Night at his house. Though they'd never seen fireworks, or eaten super sour gummy sweets before, they seemed mostly non-plussed about the whole thing. Little wonder when you realise that their former president was a giant, flesh-eating, psychopath. Notably, one of the teachers later stole a load of computers that had been donated to his school, and then did a runner.
28. NO MORE WAR 2
Clearly, the first No More War was a bit of a misleading title...
26. TERMINATOR 2
We particularly appreciate the way the O in the title has been made into a heart, and how the artist has replaced Arnold Schwarzenegger with a young Ralph Macchio.
25. WONDEFUL DOG
Yes, he's a vicious killer, but that dog really loved his late master. See how his tears flow... Simply "wondeful".
24. ALIEN VS PREDATOR 6
We know the Alien in the Alien movies was kept to the shadows, making it difficult to know what it truly looked like. But still... mistakenly believing it to be a sort of Godzilla-esque giant seems like quite a leap of the imagination.
23. STOLEN BIBLE 2
Snakes. They love snakes on their movie posters in Africa. We can but speculate as to how a stolen Bible would've led to this scenario unfurling.
22. BLOOD MONEY PART 1
This Nigerian horror movie is apparently about a boy who ate so much money that his older brother turned into a crow.
21. TWINS
Imagine the disappointment of being lured into the cinema by this poster only to be presented with the Schwarzenegger and deVito classic... "What happened the scene where the woman vomited up her own lungs?!"
20. TWINS (again)
Now we're a bit confused. This is not the movie we were lead to believe it would be, based upon the previous poster... Still, those dog-men are saaaaass-aay...!
19. THE SPY WHO LOVE ME
Remember that bit in "The Spy Who Love Me" with the giant carp? Remember that? Best bit of the whole film.
18. DOGS MEETING 2
In which Tree Dog returns for another meeting, this time with a murderous lumberjack...
17. DESPERATE BILLIONAIRE 2
"I'm a billionaire, but I've turned into a snake... what a desperate situation."
16. CUJO THE KILLER DOG
If you didn't know this was Cujo the Killer Dog, you'd be mistaken for thinking it was a new Beethoven movie... "Beethoven Eats All The Jam While Princess Anne Looks On".
15. FACE/OFF
It's a fair stab at trying to recreate the original movie poster, albeit by replacing Travolta and Cage with just one man. But look at that pistol... it's like it's been designed by MC Escher.
14. THE SNAKE GIRL
Why is she called Snake Gir... oh... yes, we see now.
13. THE SERPENT AND THE RAINBOW
True story, apparently...
12. WHY SHOULD I
Why should you? Because there's a ghost coming out of that tree, and he's heating up your armpit with his heat vision... that's why.
11. DEMONS IN THE LAND
That feller holding the urn couldn't look less surprised that a snake version of Isaac Hayes has emerged from the pot. We're starting to think this sort of thing happens all the time in Nigeria.
10. THE DRACULA MEN
The Dracula Men - they're the original odd couple!
9. MONSTER EVIL PROTACT
Seriously... between the cannibals, and the crocodiles, and the demons, we're never going to Africa. Aren't we in the West supposed to have a more enlightened view of the world these days? These posters are not helping.
8. NKULA BROTHERHOOD
He may have been turned into a turkey man, but he still knows how to rock that hat.
7. THE VISITOR
"Quickly - we must tidy up. We've a visitor coming. It's Omlette Man."
6. SLEEPWALKERS
If you suffer from somnambulism, always make sure you have a pack of feral cats on hand to wake you up...
5. OGBOO 1
We like how Wakeey - or is it Jagger Pee? - is just sort of rolling his eyes at his head-swapping predicament... "Not again!"
4. SNAIL WOMAN
Disney spent billions for the rights to make new Star Wars movies... and yet they probably could've picked up Snail Woman for a fiver. This world makes no sense.
3. THE ROAD WARRIOR
Certainly, we're familiar with The Road Warrior... but this poster seems to promote no movie we've ever actually watched...
2. END OF THE WICKED
The woman in blue, bottom left corner... er...
1. OGANIGWE
Yeah. Well, we could look at this all day. In fact... we're going to. So long, productivity - we've got a date with Oganigwe!
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