When you think about it, the idea of Father Christmas is more than slightly disturbing.
An elderly gentleman who creeps into your house at night, leaving gifts for your children...? And nobody stops to question this? Who is sanctioning this unrequested generosity? Why does he live with adults who are the size of children, beyond the reach of national borders? It's like The Krankies all over again.
If you want any chance of being able to sleep soundly in your bed come December 24th, we strongly recommend you don't look at the following list.
An elderly gentleman who creeps into your house at night, leaving gifts for your children...? And nobody stops to question this? Who is sanctioning this unrequested generosity? Why does he live with adults who are the size of children, beyond the reach of national borders? It's like The Krankies all over again.
If you want any chance of being able to sleep soundly in your bed come December 24th, we strongly recommend you don't look at the following list.
25. T'was the night before Christmas when all through the house, Not a creature was stirring... apart from this ghastly aberration.
24. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St Nicholas wouldn't urinate in them again...
23. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, Trembling with fear as Santa's staccato shrieks echoed through the night...
22. And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and father in his cap, Would soon have their brains smashed out by the festive prowler.
21. When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter: it was Santa Claus, stark naked, performing some sort of lewd and grisly ritual involving some reindeer and what I presumed to be a turkey neck.
20. "Now Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On Donner and Blitzen! I will throttle you all!"
19. As I drew in my head, and was turning around, Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a dry squeal and a bleak effusion of profanity.
18. He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, And his clothes were all tarnished with blood and cow guts.
17. A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, And he looked like a paedo as he emptied his sack.
16. His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his fossilised micropenis like a dehydrated old cherry!
15. His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow (use your imagination).
14. The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, And the smoke it encircled his head like a hangman's noose.
13. He had a broad face and a little round belly, That shook when he laughed, like a sinister portent of horrors to come.
12. He was chubby and plump, A right jolly old elf, And I laughed when I saw him, albeit more out of fear than anything else.
11. A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know that I would be dead.
10. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, And filled all the stockings (use your imagination), then turned with a jerk (again, use your imagination).
9. And laying his finger aside of his nose, And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose, shouting that he hated me, and that he had killed my parents.
8. He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, But unfortunately they were all dead on the lawn, because he'd poisoned them with arsenic-laced satsumas.
7. But I heard him exclaim, As he drove out of sight, "Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!" (trad.)
6. You better watch out, You better not cry, Better not pout, I'm telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town... to murder you.
5. He's making a list, And checking it twice, Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice - if you know what we mean.
4.He sees you when you're sleeping, He knows when you're awake... and this is because he's been spying on you from the wardrobe for the past couple of weeks.
3. O! You better watch out! You better not cry! Better not pout! I'm telling you why - again, he's coming to murder you.
2. Santa Claus is coming to town (to murder you)!
1. San-ta Claus is com-ing to town (to murder you)!
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