The greatest evil to ever befall our society? The Amazon one-click order button. Who among us can say they've never succumbed to its easy lures?
Drop your guard, and before you know it you've ordered a diamond-encrusted duck call... which arrives the next day in a box the size of a bungalow, stuffed with inflatable packaging pillows.
Here are 25 things you might only buy in your darkest moments. Suffice to say, one or two of these are a little on the NSFW side...
Drop your guard, and before you know it you've ordered a diamond-encrusted duck call... which arrives the next day in a box the size of a bungalow, stuffed with inflatable packaging pillows.
Here are 25 things you might only buy in your darkest moments. Suffice to say, one or two of these are a little on the NSFW side...
25. MASTURBATING BARACK OBAMA TOY.
It must be strange having Barack Obama as your dad. Not because he's the leader of The Free World - wherever that is - but because people make stuff like this. Imagine somebody made one of these of your dad. Imagine that really hard. Done? You have? Well, if you don't mind us saying, that's a bit of a weird thing to picture in your mind, but whatevs.
As far as we can work out, there are two types of people who would buy a clockwork "Beatin' Barack":
1) Somebody who doesn't mind that their gift will be thrown in the bin after 5 minutes.
2) Perverts.
As far as we can work out, there are two types of people who would buy a clockwork "Beatin' Barack":
1) Somebody who doesn't mind that their gift will be thrown in the bin after 5 minutes.
2) Perverts.
24. ASIA OLD MAN WALL DECAL.
Like a modern day Mona Lisa, the Asia Old Man wall decal will watch you with his enigmatic smile, from whichever wall you choose to place him on. His impassive gaze and indifferent stance works just as well in the kitchen as it does the bedroom.
23. SMILING ASIAN TEENAGER WALL DECAL.
Asia Old Man not doing it for you? What about the Smiling Asian Teenage Boy, with his hint of anorak, and flyaway hair tufts? Who wouldn't want him looking down at them from their bedroom ceiling?
22. ASTHMATIC OLD WOMAN WALL DECAL.
Moving away from Asia, perhaps you'd feel more comfortable with this decal of an asthmatic albino lady/wheezing ghost.
21. SPERM IN RAT TESTIS WALL DECAL.
Or how about you get really avant garde? There's no greater talking point during a dinner party than a 60" by 48" decal on your dining room wall, showing a close-up of sperm inside the testis of a rat.
"Are those pigs in blankets?" your guests will ask, while you chuckle to yourself, and stroke your lips and eyelids enigmatically.
"Are those pigs in blankets?" your guests will ask, while you chuckle to yourself, and stroke your lips and eyelids enigmatically.
20. 55 GALLONS OF LUBRICANT.
You'd have to go some to get through 55 gallons of personal lubricant. Unless you were, y'know, breeding blue whales, or something.
Even the manufacturers seem unsure why anybody would need such a large amount. They ask: "Wrestling match? Biggest adult party ever? If you are looking for a simply jaw-dropping amount of lube Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant is ready to get the fun started with this 55 gallon drum! You may never run out of lube again."
The important words there are "may never".
Even the manufacturers seem unsure why anybody would need such a large amount. They ask: "Wrestling match? Biggest adult party ever? If you are looking for a simply jaw-dropping amount of lube Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant is ready to get the fun started with this 55 gallon drum! You may never run out of lube again."
The important words there are "may never".
19. UFO DETECTOR.
According to the makers of the UFO Detector, 33% of Americans believe in UFOs. No great surprise, given that 40% of them believe in Donald Trump. Ha ha. We so topical.
18. FAT OLD FRED (BLACK)
Sadly, there's no product description for Fat Old Fred, Black - so we can't tell you what it's for, (though we'd speculate that the product's name was inspired by The Rolling Stones song, Paint It, Black). Some sort of medical dummy? An intimate bedroom companion?
This comment on the reviews doesn't help matters much: "I was wondering about the feel of the breast?
Does it feel authentic? I'm worried that when I go to save an obese man's life that I won't be successful because I'll be nervous about touching his breast. I'm weird. Call me old fashion. But this is something I lay awake and think about. Also - can you please let me know if the lips feel authentic as well?"
This comment on the reviews doesn't help matters much: "I was wondering about the feel of the breast?
Does it feel authentic? I'm worried that when I go to save an obese man's life that I won't be successful because I'll be nervous about touching his breast. I'm weird. Call me old fashion. But this is something I lay awake and think about. Also - can you please let me know if the lips feel authentic as well?"
17. 'EXCELLENCE... SIGH' OIL PANTING BY SISI FUSS.
German artist Sisi Fuss not only has a fantastic name, but a fantastic talent. $2,600 seems like a small price to pay for an original work of such staggering beauty/naked skating photographers with erect penises.
16. 'PENIS HAND' OIL PAINTING BY SISI FUSS.
Judging from her Amazon store page, penises feature heavily in Sisi's work. However, this penis hand oil masterpiece will only set you back a mere $1,400, and is therefore among her more affordable paintings.
16. CAT SHOWER CAGE.
Anyone who's every owned a cat will know there's about as much chance of getting one inside a panini press-style cage as there is of getting one to have a shower. Frankly, if you do manage to get one inside this medieval-style horror, running it under the shower is only going to result in the poor creature breaking its neck in its frantic attempts to escape.
15. SEXIEST WALL STICKER EVER.
What's so sexy about a unicorn stabbing a nun in the face?
14. JAPANESE SHOUTING VASE.
Frustrated? Stressed? Simply bellow into this traditional Japanese shouting vase. Or save the $103.99 and just shout into a pillow/cupboard/tramp's stomach.
There's only one review: "lower quality than expected...didn't work well when tested..."
Perhaps it didn't hold his anger.
There's only one review: "lower quality than expected...didn't work well when tested..."
Perhaps it didn't hold his anger.
13. 'THE 2009-2014 OUTLOOK FOR WOOD TOILET SEATS IN GREATER CHINA' BOOK.
We've oftened wondered what the outlook was for wood toilet seats in Greater China. What a terrible shame we never knew this $410.17 book was available.
12. KIM KARDASHIAN HUMAN CENTIPEDE T-SHIRT.
An all-over print showing Kim Kardashian as the head of a human centipede. With the same design on the back as the front, the sellers claim "people will be able to accurately double take your awesome shirt and confirm their jealousy of you."
It remains to be understood why anybody would be jealous of the sort of person who spends over fifty dollars on such an abomination. But each to their own.
It remains to be understood why anybody would be jealous of the sort of person who spends over fifty dollars on such an abomination. But each to their own.
11. TESTICLES DOOR KNOCKER.
Generally, people don't have knockers on their internal doors, so this monstrosity is evidently intended for the outside of the house. Where other people can see it. What sort of message would somebody be trying to give the world, if they mounted this on their front door?
The reviews don't reveal much - as they're mostly of people complaining that the testicle door knocker is too expensive. Turns out that you can price a bronzed door knocker with balls too high.
The reviews don't reveal much - as they're mostly of people complaining that the testicle door knocker is too expensive. Turns out that you can price a bronzed door knocker with balls too high.
10. ORGASM DONOR DOGGY T-SHIRT.
#SadnessInHisEyes.
9. GOOSH PANTS.
Forgetting the fact that it'd be quite easy to make your own pair of dirtied trousers - either with paint or by actually dirtying them - the question is... why?
"Well, I've got my Batman costume ready. What are you going as to Brandreth's birthday party?"
"A man what has shit hisself LOL."
"Well, I've got my Batman costume ready. What are you going as to Brandreth's birthday party?"
"A man what has shit hisself LOL."
8. NICOLAS CAGE 'SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS' PILLOWCASE.
Obviously, Nicolas Cage-branded products are meant to be ironic. But the the sheer number and diversity of them on Amazon is as bewildering as it is overwhelming. Is it just us, or is the message on this pillow vaguely threatening?
7. NICOLAS CAGE AS FEMALE ASTRONAUT PILLOWCASE.
At least the cloth is durable.
6. NICOLAS CAGE AS MICHAEL JACKSON PILLOWCASE.
And at least this pillow can be customised - by planting kisses all over the face of "generic handsome man" Nicolas Cage.
5. GAZEBO - WITH BONUS SCALP MASSAGING COMB.
Just a regular gazebo you might think. But you'd be wrong - quite wrong. Because this delightful $380 tent comes with a FREE COMB! And not any old comb - but a scalp-massaging comb. Now you can sit beneath your gazebo and be the envy of your neighbours, as you spend hours and hours silently massaging your scalp with your free comb.
4. 32OZ OF WOLF URINE.
Wolf urine can apparently deter predators from your garden, by making them think a wolf lives there. Unfortunately, it might work too well by luring the wolf, who wants his urine back.
3. 'GOT HITLER?' MUG.
"Got milk?" was a long-running campaign in America, promoting the drinking of milk. Quite what the pun is here - or even what the message is intended to be - is anybody's guess.
2. HITLER HASHTAG MUG.
Likewise, this one. "#hitler"? What does it mean? What are they trying to say??!
1. HITLER IPHONE CASE.
It can be so difficult knowing what to get people for New Year's Day. Fortunately, Amazon has you covered. Get them a Hitler iPhone case. And a "#hitler" mug while you're at it.
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