And thus, the second part of our 2015 gaming preview is born. Obviously, these aren't all the games that are coming out in 2015 - just the ones we're intending to anoint with musk, and stuff down the back of our shirts.
Please note: this article features selected comments from video gamer rights campaigner, and obvious parody of misogynistic gaming stereotypes, Computerwoman. Find Part One of our feature - with comments from Computerman - here.
Please note: this article features selected comments from video gamer rights campaigner, and obvious parody of misogynistic gaming stereotypes, Computerwoman. Find Part One of our feature - with comments from Computerman - here.
Batman Arkham Knight (Various)
It’s not the promise of the Batmobile that has us looking forward to Arkham Knight - exciting as it sounds to drive aroun' Gotham City, and employ the iconic emowagon as back-up during combat encounters.
No - what we're really anticipating is a return to the values which made this series great, before the disappointing Arkham Origins did an improper squat 'pon its previously flawless record. Confidence is high, dear. Confidence is high.
It’s not the promise of the Batmobile that has us looking forward to Arkham Knight - exciting as it sounds to drive aroun' Gotham City, and employ the iconic emowagon as back-up during combat encounters.
No - what we're really anticipating is a return to the values which made this series great, before the disappointing Arkham Origins did an improper squat 'pon its previously flawless record. Confidence is high, dear. Confidence is high.
COMPUTERWOMAN SAYS: "Don't they think we can see what this is? Bats are basically the male form of birds, and men are the male form of women, so this game is literally 'Manman: Arkham Origins'. And if you rearrange some of the letters in 'Arkham Origins', and add some more letters, and take some away, you get the word 'Onanism Hampoke', making this game essentially 'Manman: Onanism Hampoke'.
"How stupid do they think we are exactly!?? Let's face it - Batman is nothing but a leather-clad Nazi, S&M substitute, with sharp, stabbing penises for ears. It's lazy, male-skewed erotica for neo-con, 14 year-old, pubescent gun fetishists.
"And while we're talking about Nazis, is it a coincidence that a Nazi salute is given at the exact same angle as an erect penis, and Hitler had a face like a vadge? I don't think so. Do you?
"While I have you - please support the Kickstarter campaign for my new game, Menstruation Voyage - a depressing adventure about living with the burden of having to frickin' bleed all over the place once a month, for pity's sake, when you can only afford to buy your sanny rags from Lidl."
"How stupid do they think we are exactly!?? Let's face it - Batman is nothing but a leather-clad Nazi, S&M substitute, with sharp, stabbing penises for ears. It's lazy, male-skewed erotica for neo-con, 14 year-old, pubescent gun fetishists.
"And while we're talking about Nazis, is it a coincidence that a Nazi salute is given at the exact same angle as an erect penis, and Hitler had a face like a vadge? I don't think so. Do you?
"While I have you - please support the Kickstarter campaign for my new game, Menstruation Voyage - a depressing adventure about living with the burden of having to frickin' bleed all over the place once a month, for pity's sake, when you can only afford to buy your sanny rags from Lidl."
Star Wars: Battlefront (Various)
Not much is known about this overdue instalment in the mostly impressive Battlefront franchise.
We're aware that we'll "be" shooting it up in locations drawn from across the classic trilogy - including Hoth and the moon of Endor - as well as brand new elements from the forthcoming The Force Awakens. Maybe that funny spherical robot guy (R2D2's son, "Yancy") will be in it.
As the first post-Disney Star Wars title, and the first game to appear since Lucasfilm announced that all Star Wars products would be part of the official canon from now on, we're looking forward to a painfully authentic experience.
Not much is known about this overdue instalment in the mostly impressive Battlefront franchise.
We're aware that we'll "be" shooting it up in locations drawn from across the classic trilogy - including Hoth and the moon of Endor - as well as brand new elements from the forthcoming The Force Awakens. Maybe that funny spherical robot guy (R2D2's son, "Yancy") will be in it.
As the first post-Disney Star Wars title, and the first game to appear since Lucasfilm announced that all Star Wars products would be part of the official canon from now on, we're looking forward to a painfully authentic experience.
COMPUTERWOMAN SAYS: "Star Wars? Star? Wars? Do they think we're so dumb that we can't see the obvious subliminal message here - that they're literally telling us to 'Stare (at) Whores'?
"How much more objectification are women as a species meant to take before we say 'No more'? And don't get me started on light sabres. Phallic, much? And Princess Leia? In the first Star Wars film they made her wear two (presumably) male turds either side of her head. What kind of message are they sending to young girls? I think we all know; for the rest of your life men are going to take a dump on you, kid. Deal with it.
"While I have you - please support the Kickstarter campaign for my new game, Breast Adventure - a depressing adventure about living with the burden of having to wear push-up bras, but only being able to afford to buy them from Primark. Thanks for forcing me to support sweat shops, pigs."
"How much more objectification are women as a species meant to take before we say 'No more'? And don't get me started on light sabres. Phallic, much? And Princess Leia? In the first Star Wars film they made her wear two (presumably) male turds either side of her head. What kind of message are they sending to young girls? I think we all know; for the rest of your life men are going to take a dump on you, kid. Deal with it.
"While I have you - please support the Kickstarter campaign for my new game, Breast Adventure - a depressing adventure about living with the burden of having to wear push-up bras, but only being able to afford to buy them from Primark. Thanks for forcing me to support sweat shops, pigs."
Mario Maker (Wii U)
Mario Maker was originally conceived as an internal development tool - but now you too can become sweet-natured gaming lothario Shigeru Miyamoto, and show the world just how 2D platform games should be done.
On the one hand, this feels like a bit of a weird throwback to the days of Mario Paint and the like.
On the other hand, the team responsible has pedigree, and the thought of designing our own Super Mario World levels has us dribbling with joy.
Mario Maker was originally conceived as an internal development tool - but now you too can become sweet-natured gaming lothario Shigeru Miyamoto, and show the world just how 2D platform games should be done.
On the one hand, this feels like a bit of a weird throwback to the days of Mario Paint and the like.
On the other hand, the team responsible has pedigree, and the thought of designing our own Super Mario World levels has us dribbling with joy.
COMPUTERWOMAN SAYS: "Oh sure - let's all design a new game where yet another helpless female has to be rescued by a swarthy Italian plumber with a moustache.
"What is this - a 1970s XXX adult movie or something?! Oh, and you're gonna have him jumping into 'pipes', collecting 'coins' - could the symbolism be any more apparent? Sure, why not shove your metaphor down our throats like everything else, you oppressive hog?
"Please support the Kickstarter campaign for my new game, Hairy Time - a depressing adventure about feeling the pressure of having to shave your legs and armpits and bum in a male-dominated society. Don't they know what a chore that is when I can only afford disposable razors from Aldi?! I got such a rash it looks like a goddamn pomander down there."
"What is this - a 1970s XXX adult movie or something?! Oh, and you're gonna have him jumping into 'pipes', collecting 'coins' - could the symbolism be any more apparent? Sure, why not shove your metaphor down our throats like everything else, you oppressive hog?
"Please support the Kickstarter campaign for my new game, Hairy Time - a depressing adventure about feeling the pressure of having to shave your legs and armpits and bum in a male-dominated society. Don't they know what a chore that is when I can only afford disposable razors from Aldi?! I got such a rash it looks like a goddamn pomander down there."
Tom Clancy’s The Division (Various)
The market is fast becoming saturated with Ubisoft's open-world third-person action adventures, but we're sufficiently intrigued by The Division to give it the benefit of the doubt.
Set in a post-apocalyptic New York (stay with us here...), it's as much RPG as anything else, with Ubisoft promising "endless gameplay". So, on paper at least, this is a lot like about a hundred other games. Many of them published by UbiSoft.
Nonetheless, we're suckers for a vacation at the end of the world, and are hoping that the freedom Ubisoft is promising will be enough to avoid any sense of deja-vu or apocalypse fatigue.
The market is fast becoming saturated with Ubisoft's open-world third-person action adventures, but we're sufficiently intrigued by The Division to give it the benefit of the doubt.
Set in a post-apocalyptic New York (stay with us here...), it's as much RPG as anything else, with Ubisoft promising "endless gameplay". So, on paper at least, this is a lot like about a hundred other games. Many of them published by UbiSoft.
Nonetheless, we're suckers for a vacation at the end of the world, and are hoping that the freedom Ubisoft is promising will be enough to avoid any sense of deja-vu or apocalypse fatigue.
COMPUTERWOMAN SAYS: "Sure, the end of the world - the end of our bellicose, male-dominated society. Bring it on, baby. Maybe when our Y Chromosome overlords finally stop staring at their crotches, and look up at the mess they've made of this planet, we'll finally get a level playing field. Yeah, right. Dream on.
"Please support the Kickstarter campaign for my new game, Proboscis Monkey Thing - a depressing adventure about feeling oppressed after seeing proboscis monkeys on nature documentaries and realising how similar their noses look to testicles."
"Please support the Kickstarter campaign for my new game, Proboscis Monkey Thing - a depressing adventure about feeling oppressed after seeing proboscis monkeys on nature documentaries and realising how similar their noses look to testicles."
RSS Feed
