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2015 Preview Part 2 - With comments by Computerwoman

30/12/2014

8 Comments

 
And thus, the second part of our 2015 gaming preview is born. Obviously, these aren't all the games that are coming out in 2015 - just the ones we're intending to anoint with musk, and stuff down the back of our shirts.

Please note: this article features selected comments from video gamer rights campaigner, and obvious parody of misogynistic gaming stereotypes, Computerwoman. Find Part One of our feature - with comments from Computerman - here.
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Batman Arkham Knight (Various)

It’s not the promise of the Batmobile that has us looking forward to Arkham Knight - exciting as it sounds to drive aroun' Gotham City, and employ the iconic emowagon as back-up during combat encounters.


No - what we're really anticipating is  a return to the values which made this series great, before the disappointing Arkham Origins did an improper squat 'pon its previously flawless record. Confidence is high, dear. Confidence is high.

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COMPUTERWOMAN SAYS: "Don't they think we can see what this is? Bats are basically the male form of birds, and men are the male form of women, so this game is literally 'Manman: Arkham Origins'. And if you rearrange some of the letters in 'Arkham Origins', and add some more letters, and take some away, you get the word 'Onanism Hampoke', making this game essentially 'Manman: Onanism Hampoke'. 

"How stupid do they think we are exactly!?? Let's face it - Batman is nothing but a leather-clad Nazi, S&M substitute, with sharp, stabbing penises for ears. It's lazy, male-skewed erotica for neo-con, 14 year-old, pubescent gun fetishists. 

"And while we're talking about Nazis, is it a coincidence that a Nazi salute is given at the exact same angle as an erect penis, and Hitler had a face like a vadge? I don't think so. Do you?

"While I have you - please support the Kickstarter campaign for my new game, Menstruation Voyage - a depressing adventure about living with the burden of having to frickin' bleed all over the place once a month, for pity's sake, when you can only afford to buy your sanny rags from Lidl."

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Star Wars: Battlefront (Various)

Not much is known about this overdue instalment in the mostly impressive Battlefront franchise. 

We're aware that we'll "be" shooting it up in locations drawn from across the classic trilogy - including Hoth and the moon of Endor - as well as brand new elements from the forthcoming The Force Awakens. Maybe that funny spherical robot guy (R2D2's son, "Yancy") will be in it.

As the first post-Disney Star Wars title, and the first game to appear since Lucasfilm announced that all Star Wars products would be part of the official canon from now on, we're looking forward to a painfully authentic experience.

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COMPUTERWOMAN SAYS: "Star Wars? Star? Wars? Do they think we're so dumb that we can't see the obvious subliminal message here - that they're literally telling us to 'Stare (at) Whores'? 

"How much more objectification are women as a species meant to take before we say 'No more'? And don't get me started on light sabres. Phallic, much? And Princess Leia? In the first Star Wars film they made her wear two (presumably) male turds either side of her head. What kind of message are they sending to young girls? I think we all know; for the rest of your life men are going to take a dump on you, kid. Deal with it.

"While I have you - please support the Kickstarter campaign for my new game, Breast Adventure - a depressing adventure about living with the burden of having to wear push-up bras, but only being able to afford to buy them from Primark. Thanks for forcing me to support sweat shops, pigs."


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Mario Maker (Wii U)

Mario Maker was originally conceived as an internal development tool - but now you too can become sweet-natured gaming lothario Shigeru Miyamoto, and show the world just how 2D platform games should be done. 


On the one hand, this feels like a bit of a weird throwback to the days of Mario Paint and the like. 

On the other hand, the team responsible has pedigree, and the thought of designing our own Super Mario World levels has us dribbling with joy.

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COMPUTERWOMAN SAYS: "Oh sure - let's all design a new game where yet another helpless female has to be rescued by a swarthy Italian plumber with a moustache. 

"What is this - a 1970s XXX adult movie or something?! Oh, and you're gonna have him jumping into 'pipes', collecting 'coins' - could the symbolism be any more apparent? Sure, why not shove your metaphor down our throats like everything else, you oppressive hog?

"Please support the Kickstarter campaign for my new game, Hairy Time - a depressing adventure about feeling the pressure of having to shave your legs and armpits and bum in a male-dominated society. Don't they know what a chore that is when I can only afford disposable razors from Aldi?! I got such a rash it looks like a goddamn pomander down there."

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Tom Clancy’s The Division (Various)

The market is fast becoming saturated with Ubisoft's open-world third-person action adventures, but we're sufficiently intrigued by The Division to give it the benefit of the doubt. 

Set in a post-apocalyptic New York (stay with us here...), it's as much RPG as anything else, with Ubisoft promising "endless gameplay". So, on paper at least, this is a lot like about a hundred other games. Many of them published by UbiSoft.

Nonetheless, we're suckers for a vacation at the end of the world, and are hoping that the freedom Ubisoft is promising will be enough to avoid any sense of deja-vu or apocalypse fatigue. 

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COMPUTERWOMAN SAYS: "Sure, the end of the world - the end of our bellicose, male-dominated society. Bring it on, baby. Maybe when our Y Chromosome overlords finally stop staring at their crotches, and look up at the mess they've made of this planet, we'll finally get a level playing field. Yeah, right. Dream on.

"Please support the Kickstarter campaign for my new game, Proboscis Monkey Thing - a depressing adventure about feeling oppressed after seeing proboscis monkeys on nature documentaries and realising how similar their noses look to testicles."

8 Comments
Slackshoe
30/12/2014 04:56:00 am

This is gold. So glad you did this, as I think part 1 missed the mark a bit.

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dan de la peche
30/12/2014 05:23:03 am

Cool. I was also wondering yesterday if you had gone a touch mental try to talk about That Which Shall Not Be Named - but this is how to do it, take the piss out of both sides. Because they're both full of nutters.

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Grk! link
30/12/2014 02:54:50 pm

Because only mad people say wrong stuff.

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Red Rocket
30/12/2014 03:34:31 pm

Given he wrote in the article's preface that this was a parody of a misogynistic stereotype for this part, yet did not write something similar in the preface for Part 1, it is safe to say he is only taking the piss out of one side. However, Computerwoman is still an accurate depiction of various people (male and female) in the gaming media's eye recently though, sadly. And this is coming from someone who is not actually a Gamergate supporter.

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Mr Biffo
30/12/2014 03:57:30 pm

Hi all. Both pieces were very much intended as parody - we only went back and spelled it out in the Computerwoman piece as a couple of people felt it might benefit from the extra clarification. We agreed with them - the last thing we'd want is anyone misinterpreting our intentions or values. Or, worse still, inadvertently offending, upsetting or adding to the woes of any particular individual.

Both pieces are really meant as a tongue-in-cheek reaction to the way the GG factions (sadly, on both sides) seem to be becoming increasingly entrenched and bitter, and - alas - the way that is sadly distorting and clouding the real issues, debate, and valid grievances to a point almost beyond parody.

It's understandable that people would take a defensive or offensive standpoint when they feel attacked. However, when everyone starts throwing insults and lobbing brickbats - whether through underhand, abusive and threatening behaviour, or by patronising intellectualism - it becomes difficult for the moral high ground to be maintained by anybody. In our opinion anyway.

So, that's it really - it was just trying to sort of half a laugh with it (because Jehova knows there's not much else about GG that's funny), while trying to make some sort of point about the way the various sides perceive each other.

Plus... Digi wouldn't be Digi if it wasn't trying to irritate everyone simultaneously.

Mr Biffo
30/12/2014 05:43:43 am

I clearly have a death wish...

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Shish link
30/12/2014 12:14:30 pm

I wonder if Mario Maker will include online level sharing? Seems like that would be a massive part of its value - but at the same time, Time To Penis is going to be practically zero and Nintendo have withdrawn products like that before due to the mess, so they can't have not seen it coming...

(Any innuendo in the above is entirely accidental, I apologise on behalf of the cis-normative hetero-nazis who raised me)

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David
1/1/2015 08:31:04 am

Looking forward to Part 3, in which Mr. T discovers someone has contaminated his recycling bin with general waste. Tensions rise, accusations fly, Morse and Lewis investigate. Guest starring Mr. Nude and the corpse of The Rapping Shoe on his head (Scranton K.)

Reply



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