DIGITISER
  • MAIN PAGE
  • Features
  • Videos
  • Game Reviews
  • FAQ

2015 PREVIEW Part 1 - With comments from Computerman

29/12/2014

2 Comments

 
As our recent look back at 2014 will attest, we've not so much been blown away by the games of the past 12 months as tickled by a light gust.

There have been plenty of solid titles, but nothing that really got us excited, nothing which sent shockwaves through gaming, or persuaded us to remove our underwear. Fortunately, 2015 - or "A quarter past eight AD", if you have yet to go decimal - is looking more promising.

Here be part one of our look at the games we're most looking forward to, supported by selected comments from passionate video game ethics campaigner, and parodic stereotype, Computerman.
Picture
COMPUTERMAN SAYS: "You just wait - they'll all be whinging the second this comes out that the main character is sexist because he isn't some tattooed, pierced, pink-haired, denim-clad tart, poncing around in a glade, talking endlessly about having periods and tampons, like that's the most normal thing in the world.

"Well, what about the games for men? We have rights too - and if we want to play a game in which we can control a muscular, handsome, sweaty adventurer - which, I really must stress, has no deeper meaning or subtext whatsoever - then we should be allowed to do that.


"And just for the record - talk about your period and tampons all you like, love, but don't get your knickers in a twist if I bark out a couple of big farts in McDonald's, or blow up a rubber johnny like a balloon and let it go in your face at a party. That's not demeaning. It's just for the LOLs. Lighten up, you uptight and annoyingly attractive gamerhags."

Picture
Uncharted 4: Thief’s End (PS4)

Naughty Dog do story like no other games company, perfectly balancing action, dialogue and narrative, like a bunch of whimsical, variety show balancing guys.


Indeed, Nathan Drake and Sully were possibly the first two games characters we ever properly cared about – and we’re brimming over to see what Naughty Dog is capable of in the wake of the peerless The Last of Us. 

What's more, with this being the company's first proper next-gen title, we're anticipating some really lush foliage. That's right: foliage. We actually went there. 

Picture
Mirror’s Edge 2 (Various)

There’s no guarantee that this is even going to be out in 2015, but the original remains one of our favourite games of all time. Yes – of all time. 


For our money, it’s possibly the most underrated game ever, a near-perfect blend of originality in both gameplay and visuals. 

As you might imagine, our brain is swimming with the possibilities of this as-yet-closely-guarded sequel.

Picture
COMPUTERMAN SAYS: "No doubt feminists are already preparing their complaints that the protagonist in this title was developed by too many men, or has pendulous breasts, or grunts in a sexy way, or doesn't get paid as much as men, or doesn't have a beard or an Adam's apple, or whatever. 

"Isn't it enough that they get a game with a woman as the main character? They already have the vote and something called International Woman's Day and they get to have babies - and now they're getting yet another game with one of them in it too. 

"What more do they want? If they don't like it they can sod off to Saudi Arabia, or somewhere like that. I dunno. I've not really thought this through. I'm just always really angry about something."

Picture
No Man’s Sky (PS4/PC)

An open, sprawling, universe that you explore in your way, on your own terms? 


We’ve wanted an experience like No Man’s Sky ever since we first played a video game. 

We’ve no idea whether Hello Games’ ambitious title can live up to the weight of expectation, but the signs are looking promising. If they pull it off, this is gaming without the boundaries - the way it has always promised to be.

Picture
COMPUTERMAN SAYS: "No Man's Sky? No MAN'S Sky? This is what I'm talking about - they're trying to push us out! How can they demand equality from US when THEY don't practice the same in return?! Don't you see what they're doing?!?

"If I released a game called 'No Women Allowed', or 'All Women Are Fat Ugly Bints And Just Look At Their Boobie-Boobs', there'd be outcry. They'd be cutting off my penis and mounting it on a spike, before holding a party in the street, shoving quinoa down their painted, dainty throats, and burning their kitchens.


"But no! They can release a game like this which explicitly bans men, and everyone is slapping them on their smooth, disgusting, creamy, bra-wearing, duplicitous, attractive backs. And they wonder why so many people hate them?"

Picture
The Legend of Zelda (Wii U)

Precious little is known about Nintendo's next-gen Zelda title, beyond what was revealed at the recent E3 show. 

A huge, gorgeous, go-where-you-like world is promised, with players apparently able to play the game in whichever way that they want, and an emphasis on exploration. And, so we are led to believe, pony-trekking.

Applying that sort of freedom to the reliably traditional Zelda gameplay could - dare we say it - result in a classic. It's always a bit of a moment when Nintendo returns to one of their core franchises for a proper, triple-A release, but confidence is high that this is going to be something special.

Picture
COMPUTERMAN SAYS: "So, Nintendo is releasing another game in which you play some little elfin guy (NOTE TO SELF: poss. homosexual?), rescuing some poor, defenceless, pink-clad Princess, like all the other Zelda games, probably. 

"You can already hear the boring feminazis whinging and whining from here; 'Oh, that's painting women in a negative, weak light that is - like doing a portrait below a really low wattage bulb. We don't need to be saved. We don't need men; we've got sperm banks. And women shouldn't wear pink neither, because that's meant to subconsciously represent a cat's vulva, or something'.

"Well let me tell you this, love - next time you're in trouble - like, let's say you're trapped under a boulder, or you've been cornered by a wolf, or you've run out of sperm - I'll happily uphold your right not to be saved by a man.

"In fact, I'll just stand by laughing, uploading photos of your misfortune to Instagram, shall I? LOL LOL LOL. Because - oh yeah - apparently, you don't need a man to help you. You can do it all yourself. 


"Well, excuse me if some of us are old fashioned, and just want to help women and make repeated love to them, but if that makes me a sexist, then guilty as charged. In another era I'd have been hailed a  gentleman. Or locked up. I dunno. I can't think straight these days. I'm just really, really angry about some stuff. #realitycheck."

TO BE CONTINUED (featuring comments from Computerwoman) here...
2 Comments
LewisQ
29/12/2014 08:04:54 pm

Semi-ironically, the guy Computer Boy was supposedly based on has grown up to be a respectable science person and is very much on the side of the angels, as far as Gamergate goes. The aged-up picture does look a bit like him, though. And he's still fucking Welsh.

Reply
Mr Biffo
30/12/2014 03:01:13 am

Though there was one chief influence, Computer Boy was more an amalgam of various types from back in the day. Good to hear the real one stayed righteous!

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    This section will not be visible in live published website. Below are your current settings:


    Current Number Of Columns are = 2

    Expand Posts Area =

    Gap/Space Between Posts = 12px

    Blog Post Style = card

    Use of custom card colors instead of default colors = 1

    Blog Post Card Background Color = current color

    Blog Post Card Shadow Color = current color

    Blog Post Card Border Color = current color

    Publish the website and visit your blog page to see the results

    Picture
    Support Me on Ko-fi
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    RSS Feed Widget
    Picture

    Picture
    Tweets by @mrbiffo
    Picture
    Follow us on The Facebook

    Picture

    Archives

    December 2022
    May 2022
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    November 2020
    September 2020
    July 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014


    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • MAIN PAGE
  • Features
  • Videos
  • Game Reviews
  • FAQ