As our recent look back at 2014 will attest, we've not so much been blown away by the games of the past 12 months as tickled by a light gust.
There have been plenty of solid titles, but nothing that really got us excited, nothing which sent shockwaves through gaming, or persuaded us to remove our underwear. Fortunately, 2015 - or "A quarter past eight AD", if you have yet to go decimal - is looking more promising.
Here be part one of our look at the games we're most looking forward to, supported by selected comments from passionate video game ethics campaigner, and parodic stereotype, Computerman.
There have been plenty of solid titles, but nothing that really got us excited, nothing which sent shockwaves through gaming, or persuaded us to remove our underwear. Fortunately, 2015 - or "A quarter past eight AD", if you have yet to go decimal - is looking more promising.
Here be part one of our look at the games we're most looking forward to, supported by selected comments from passionate video game ethics campaigner, and parodic stereotype, Computerman.
COMPUTERMAN SAYS: "You just wait - they'll all be whinging the second this comes out that the main character is sexist because he isn't some tattooed, pierced, pink-haired, denim-clad tart, poncing around in a glade, talking endlessly about having periods and tampons, like that's the most normal thing in the world.
"Well, what about the games for men? We have rights too - and if we want to play a game in which we can control a muscular, handsome, sweaty adventurer - which, I really must stress, has no deeper meaning or subtext whatsoever - then we should be allowed to do that.
"And just for the record - talk about your period and tampons all you like, love, but don't get your knickers in a twist if I bark out a couple of big farts in McDonald's, or blow up a rubber johnny like a balloon and let it go in your face at a party. That's not demeaning. It's just for the LOLs. Lighten up, you uptight and annoyingly attractive gamerhags."
"Well, what about the games for men? We have rights too - and if we want to play a game in which we can control a muscular, handsome, sweaty adventurer - which, I really must stress, has no deeper meaning or subtext whatsoever - then we should be allowed to do that.
"And just for the record - talk about your period and tampons all you like, love, but don't get your knickers in a twist if I bark out a couple of big farts in McDonald's, or blow up a rubber johnny like a balloon and let it go in your face at a party. That's not demeaning. It's just for the LOLs. Lighten up, you uptight and annoyingly attractive gamerhags."
Uncharted 4: Thief’s End (PS4)
Naughty Dog do story like no other games company, perfectly balancing action, dialogue and narrative, like a bunch of whimsical, variety show balancing guys.
Indeed, Nathan Drake and Sully were possibly the first two games characters we ever properly cared about – and we’re brimming over to see what Naughty Dog is capable of in the wake of the peerless The Last of Us.
What's more, with this being the company's first proper next-gen title, we're anticipating some really lush foliage. That's right: foliage. We actually went there.
Naughty Dog do story like no other games company, perfectly balancing action, dialogue and narrative, like a bunch of whimsical, variety show balancing guys.
Indeed, Nathan Drake and Sully were possibly the first two games characters we ever properly cared about – and we’re brimming over to see what Naughty Dog is capable of in the wake of the peerless The Last of Us.
What's more, with this being the company's first proper next-gen title, we're anticipating some really lush foliage. That's right: foliage. We actually went there.
Mirror’s Edge 2 (Various)
There’s no guarantee that this is even going to be out in 2015, but the original remains one of our favourite games of all time. Yes – of all time.
For our money, it’s possibly the most underrated game ever, a near-perfect blend of originality in both gameplay and visuals.
As you might imagine, our brain is swimming with the possibilities of this as-yet-closely-guarded sequel.
There’s no guarantee that this is even going to be out in 2015, but the original remains one of our favourite games of all time. Yes – of all time.
For our money, it’s possibly the most underrated game ever, a near-perfect blend of originality in both gameplay and visuals.
As you might imagine, our brain is swimming with the possibilities of this as-yet-closely-guarded sequel.
COMPUTERMAN SAYS: "No doubt feminists are already preparing their complaints that the protagonist in this title was developed by too many men, or has pendulous breasts, or grunts in a sexy way, or doesn't get paid as much as men, or doesn't have a beard or an Adam's apple, or whatever.
"Isn't it enough that they get a game with a woman as the main character? They already have the vote and something called International Woman's Day and they get to have babies - and now they're getting yet another game with one of them in it too.
"What more do they want? If they don't like it they can sod off to Saudi Arabia, or somewhere like that. I dunno. I've not really thought this through. I'm just always really angry about something."
"Isn't it enough that they get a game with a woman as the main character? They already have the vote and something called International Woman's Day and they get to have babies - and now they're getting yet another game with one of them in it too.
"What more do they want? If they don't like it they can sod off to Saudi Arabia, or somewhere like that. I dunno. I've not really thought this through. I'm just always really angry about something."
No Man’s Sky (PS4/PC)
An open, sprawling, universe that you explore in your way, on your own terms?
We’ve wanted an experience like No Man’s Sky ever since we first played a video game.
We’ve no idea whether Hello Games’ ambitious title can live up to the weight of expectation, but the signs are looking promising. If they pull it off, this is gaming without the boundaries - the way it has always promised to be.
An open, sprawling, universe that you explore in your way, on your own terms?
We’ve wanted an experience like No Man’s Sky ever since we first played a video game.
We’ve no idea whether Hello Games’ ambitious title can live up to the weight of expectation, but the signs are looking promising. If they pull it off, this is gaming without the boundaries - the way it has always promised to be.
COMPUTERMAN SAYS: "No Man's Sky? No MAN'S Sky? This is what I'm talking about - they're trying to push us out! How can they demand equality from US when THEY don't practice the same in return?! Don't you see what they're doing?!?
"If I released a game called 'No Women Allowed', or 'All Women Are Fat Ugly Bints And Just Look At Their Boobie-Boobs', there'd be outcry. They'd be cutting off my penis and mounting it on a spike, before holding a party in the street, shoving quinoa down their painted, dainty throats, and burning their kitchens.
"But no! They can release a game like this which explicitly bans men, and everyone is slapping them on their smooth, disgusting, creamy, bra-wearing, duplicitous, attractive backs. And they wonder why so many people hate them?"
"If I released a game called 'No Women Allowed', or 'All Women Are Fat Ugly Bints And Just Look At Their Boobie-Boobs', there'd be outcry. They'd be cutting off my penis and mounting it on a spike, before holding a party in the street, shoving quinoa down their painted, dainty throats, and burning their kitchens.
"But no! They can release a game like this which explicitly bans men, and everyone is slapping them on their smooth, disgusting, creamy, bra-wearing, duplicitous, attractive backs. And they wonder why so many people hate them?"
The Legend of Zelda (Wii U)
Precious little is known about Nintendo's next-gen Zelda title, beyond what was revealed at the recent E3 show.
A huge, gorgeous, go-where-you-like world is promised, with players apparently able to play the game in whichever way that they want, and an emphasis on exploration. And, so we are led to believe, pony-trekking.
Applying that sort of freedom to the reliably traditional Zelda gameplay could - dare we say it - result in a classic. It's always a bit of a moment when Nintendo returns to one of their core franchises for a proper, triple-A release, but confidence is high that this is going to be something special.
Precious little is known about Nintendo's next-gen Zelda title, beyond what was revealed at the recent E3 show.
A huge, gorgeous, go-where-you-like world is promised, with players apparently able to play the game in whichever way that they want, and an emphasis on exploration. And, so we are led to believe, pony-trekking.
Applying that sort of freedom to the reliably traditional Zelda gameplay could - dare we say it - result in a classic. It's always a bit of a moment when Nintendo returns to one of their core franchises for a proper, triple-A release, but confidence is high that this is going to be something special.
COMPUTERMAN SAYS: "So, Nintendo is releasing another game in which you play some little elfin guy (NOTE TO SELF: poss. homosexual?), rescuing some poor, defenceless, pink-clad Princess, like all the other Zelda games, probably.
"You can already hear the boring feminazis whinging and whining from here; 'Oh, that's painting women in a negative, weak light that is - like doing a portrait below a really low wattage bulb. We don't need to be saved. We don't need men; we've got sperm banks. And women shouldn't wear pink neither, because that's meant to subconsciously represent a cat's vulva, or something'.
"Well let me tell you this, love - next time you're in trouble - like, let's say you're trapped under a boulder, or you've been cornered by a wolf, or you've run out of sperm - I'll happily uphold your right not to be saved by a man.
"In fact, I'll just stand by laughing, uploading photos of your misfortune to Instagram, shall I? LOL LOL LOL. Because - oh yeah - apparently, you don't need a man to help you. You can do it all yourself.
"Well, excuse me if some of us are old fashioned, and just want to help women and make repeated love to them, but if that makes me a sexist, then guilty as charged. In another era I'd have been hailed a gentleman. Or locked up. I dunno. I can't think straight these days. I'm just really, really angry about some stuff. #realitycheck."
"You can already hear the boring feminazis whinging and whining from here; 'Oh, that's painting women in a negative, weak light that is - like doing a portrait below a really low wattage bulb. We don't need to be saved. We don't need men; we've got sperm banks. And women shouldn't wear pink neither, because that's meant to subconsciously represent a cat's vulva, or something'.
"Well let me tell you this, love - next time you're in trouble - like, let's say you're trapped under a boulder, or you've been cornered by a wolf, or you've run out of sperm - I'll happily uphold your right not to be saved by a man.
"In fact, I'll just stand by laughing, uploading photos of your misfortune to Instagram, shall I? LOL LOL LOL. Because - oh yeah - apparently, you don't need a man to help you. You can do it all yourself.
"Well, excuse me if some of us are old fashioned, and just want to help women and make repeated love to them, but if that makes me a sexist, then guilty as charged. In another era I'd have been hailed a gentleman. Or locked up. I dunno. I can't think straight these days. I'm just really, really angry about some stuff. #realitycheck."
TO BE CONTINUED (featuring comments from Computerwoman) here...
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