We miss leaving the house to rent videos. It's not the same, spending hours browsing Netflix from the sofa, and not being able to find anything, and then going to bed to watch YouTube cat videos on our laptop. That's no life.
Still. We're all playing Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, right? We'll be dumping out our Digi2000 review early next week, hopefully... but in the meantime, we've been inspired by the game's early-80s setting to dig out a gallery of godawful VHS video artwork to tide us over.
Still. We're all playing Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, right? We'll be dumping out our Digi2000 review early next week, hopefully... but in the meantime, we've been inspired by the game's early-80s setting to dig out a gallery of godawful VHS video artwork to tide us over.
20. SNAKE EATER III
Look! See? Snake Eater - just like the Metal Gear Game of the same name. Just. Like. It...
19. BIO HAZARD
And here's Bio Hazard - who feeds on human flesh, despite looking like a mutant broccoli disco creature.
18. ALICE, SWEET ALICE
Oh, Alice... why you have to kill the small, fat, sweaty man, who's coyly playing peek-a-boo with us from behind his hand fan?
17. THE GREAT SKYCOPTER RESCUE
Look, children - this is what the world was like in the days before Photoshop...
16. THE NAKED MAN
Yes, this movie was co-written by THAT Ethan Coen, who came up with a story about a man who was a chiropractor by day, and a wrestler by night. Who wouldn't want to watch that?
15. THE COMIC
The blow-dried Comic appears to be murdering a zombie.
14. MASTER BLASTER
In which Goggleman glues a Barbie to his gun.
13. FAT GUY GOES NUTZOID
Fat Guy apparently goes so nutzoid in this movie that he places a Mars bar on his head. Japes!
12. SHOCK WAVES
This movie apparently finds a giant Grand Moff Tarkin lurking in the bushes to spy upon a swimming lady, who seems highly amused by the aquatic pervert who's trying to drag her into the lake.
11. KILLER SNAKES
First he caught one snake... then hundreds more. Snake-catching addiction: it's a slippery slope. Boom!
10. THE WORST OF ENEMIES
Horrible. It evokes one of those mid-80s BBC1 action shows, that's trying a bit too hard to be Miami Vice.
9. INVISIBLE STRANGLER
Can you imagine the pitch meeting?
"I got this idea about a strangler..."
"Been done."
"Ok, well, what if he was a strangler, but worse."
"Worse how?"
"Like... he stinks real bad. Ok... or... what if he has four arms, so he can strangle two people at once?"
"Hmm... What else you got?"
"He's... a horse? He's a potato? He's... green? He's a roulette table? He's invisible?"
"Wait - I love it!"
"I got this idea about a strangler..."
"Been done."
"Ok, well, what if he was a strangler, but worse."
"Worse how?"
"Like... he stinks real bad. Ok... or... what if he has four arms, so he can strangle two people at once?"
"Hmm... What else you got?"
"He's... a horse? He's a potato? He's... green? He's a roulette table? He's invisible?"
"Wait - I love it!"
8. HEADLESS EYES
It's not so much the fact the eyes are headless that bothers us, more the fact they look like breasts. We suppose "Boob Eyes - Your Ultimate Nightmare!" doesn't quite have the same hollow ring to it.
7. KILLERS FROM SPACE
And here they are again - this time in raspberry ripple flavour.
6. DESTINATION NIGHTMARE
"What did you say about a nightmare?" asks Boris Karloff. "I'm sorry. I wasn't listening - I was too busy looking at these marbles."
5. ANGELS DIE HARD
"Kill the pigs!" shout the Angels. And: "Do you think my baseball bat looks a bit suggestive?"
4. A BOY AND HIS DOG
We actually remember this post-apocalyptic adventure. We don't recall it being "a super sexual sci-fi adventure". And nor do the people responsible for this artwork, who were told it was some sort of volcano/surfing movie.
3. BRAIN OF BLOOD
A brain. Of blood. Because normal brains don't have blood in them.
2. HALF A LOAF OF KUNG FU
Y'know, nobody likes to be wasteful... and sometimes you just don't need a full loaf of kung fu...
1. THE WORM EATERS
The sub-title for Metal Gear Solid VI, we hope...
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