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20 AWFUL VHS VIDEO COVERS

3/9/2015

15 Comments

 
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We miss leaving the house to rent videos. It's not the same, spending hours browsing Netflix from the sofa, and not being able to find anything, and then going to bed to watch YouTube cat videos on our laptop. That's no life.

Still. We're all playing Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, right? We'll be dumping out our Digi2000 review early next week, hopefully... but in the meantime, we've been inspired by the game's early-80s setting to dig out a gallery of godawful VHS video artwork to tide us over.

20. SNAKE EATER III
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Look! See? Snake Eater - just like the Metal Gear Game of the same name. Just. Like. It...
19. BIO HAZARD
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And here's Bio Hazard - who feeds on human flesh, despite looking like a mutant broccoli disco creature.
18. ALICE, SWEET ALICE
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Oh, Alice... why you have to kill the small, fat, sweaty man, who's coyly playing peek-a-boo with us from behind his hand fan?
17. THE GREAT SKYCOPTER RESCUE
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Look, children - this is what the world was like in the days before Photoshop... 
16. THE NAKED MAN
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Yes, this movie was co-written by THAT Ethan Coen, who came up with a story about a man who was a chiropractor by day, and a wrestler by night. Who wouldn't want to watch that?
15. THE COMIC
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The blow-dried Comic appears to be murdering a zombie.
14. MASTER BLASTER
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In which Goggleman glues a Barbie to his gun.
13. FAT GUY GOES NUTZOID
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Fat Guy apparently goes so nutzoid in this movie that he places a Mars bar on his head. Japes!
12. SHOCK WAVES
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This movie apparently finds a giant Grand Moff Tarkin lurking in the bushes to spy upon a swimming lady, who seems highly amused by the aquatic pervert who's trying to drag her into the lake.
11. KILLER SNAKES
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First he caught one snake... then hundreds more. Snake-catching addiction: it's a slippery slope. Boom!
10. THE WORST OF ENEMIES
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Horrible. It evokes one of those mid-80s BBC1 action shows, that's trying a bit too hard to be Miami Vice.
9. INVISIBLE STRANGLER
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Can you imagine the pitch meeting? 

"I got this idea about a strangler..."

"Been done."

"Ok, well, what if he was a strangler, but worse."

"Worse how?"

"Like... he stinks real bad. Ok... or... what if he has four arms, so he can strangle two people at once?"

"Hmm... What else you got?"

"He's... a horse? He's a potato? He's... green? He's a roulette table? He's invisible?"

"Wait - I love it!"
8. HEADLESS EYES
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It's not so much the fact the eyes are headless that bothers us, more the fact they look like breasts. We suppose "Boob Eyes - Your Ultimate Nightmare!" doesn't quite have the same hollow ring to it.
7. KILLERS FROM SPACE
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And here they are again - this time in raspberry ripple flavour.
6. DESTINATION NIGHTMARE
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"What did you say about a nightmare?" asks Boris Karloff. "I'm sorry. I wasn't listening - I was too busy looking at these marbles."
5. ANGELS DIE HARD
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"Kill the pigs!" shout the Angels. And: "Do you think my baseball bat looks a bit suggestive?"
4. A BOY AND HIS DOG
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We actually remember this post-apocalyptic adventure. We don't recall it being "a super sexual sci-fi adventure". And nor do the people responsible for this artwork, who were told it was some sort of volcano/surfing movie.
3. BRAIN OF BLOOD
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A brain. Of blood. Because normal brains don't have blood in them.
2. HALF A LOAF OF KUNG FU
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Y'know, nobody likes to be wasteful... and sometimes you just don't need a full loaf of kung fu...
1. THE WORM EATERS
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The sub-title for Metal Gear Solid VI, we hope...
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
  • 15 EXAMPLES OF TERRIBLE VIDEO GAME COVER ART
  • 15 HORRIBLE RETRO GAME ADS
  • 10 MORE TERRIBLE GAME COVERS
15 Comments
Dan link
3/9/2015 04:55:15 am

That's David Bowie with the knife at no. 15! But #4 wins for me. The super sexual sci fi genre is so often overlooked these days.

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Trevor Cod
3/9/2015 05:37:04 am

That woman attached to the gun in #14 appears to have really stinky feet.

Reply
Ben
3/9/2015 05:39:14 am

The titular Invisible strangler looks like what might happen if Will Ferrell and Harrison ford had a grand old eighties style sexy time and made a lovely man baby.

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Super Bad Advice
3/9/2015 08:25:23 am

This is the description from Wikipedia of Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid:

'The plot revolves around two brothers who befriend an escaped mental patient (the titular “fat guy”) and accompany him on his misadventures in the big city.'

Why it's been looked over for a remake so far is beyond me. Sounds like ideal Jim Carrey or Adam Sandler in a fat suit tat.

Reply
Milky Coffee, Not Latte You Ponce
3/9/2015 09:11:11 am

Sir, you spoil us. Most of tear are probably available on YouTube now too. I know what I'll spend the next half hour doing instead of work...

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LewisQ
3/9/2015 10:42:15 am

I've actually seen Shock Waves. Peter Cushing is the rueful commander of a squadron of underwater Nazi shock troops. It's not completely terrible.

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Matt J
3/9/2015 12:51:00 pm

Biffo these are the best bits of new digi, I hope your lonely hours trawling 80's/90's media artwork continues for eternity.

Reply
Mr Biffo
3/9/2015 01:07:32 pm

This has been an unexpectedly popular feature. Happy you all liked it.

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Monsieur Fromage
3/9/2015 02:18:59 pm

To whom is that Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid recommendation attributed to? My guess: Barry Norman out of Film '83

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Kelvin Green link
3/9/2015 02:39:16 pm

I miss the days of independent video shops, before the chains arose, when you'd take the videos home in those faux leather cases that were supposed to look like old hardback books but didn't.

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Gordon Ramsay's furrowed brow
3/9/2015 10:24:18 pm

Those covers bring back so many memories!
Reminds me of my local video shop from my youth that had a strange smell near the front door, and who was the only in the area one who would get those Z budget action flicks in betamax, and have a whole back wall dedicated to those straight to video zero budget "classics". As well a renting an 18 cert video to an 11 year old, he would also sell you fags if you told him the video and fags were for yer dad.
Ah those were the days...... never found out what that smell was though....
And, who could forget Lorenzo Lamas....my god there is a name from the past - probably hanging out with Russ Abbot watching Airwolf re runs.

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Keith
5/9/2015 10:52:56 am

Mr Biffo would you consider writing a novelisation of Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid? I'd happily up my patreon subscription to see it happen...

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Mr Biffo
5/9/2015 12:27:31 pm

No... but you've given me an idea for another feature...

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Penyrolewen
6/9/2015 10:40:07 pm

It was a more innocent age. I remember looking at these kinds of covers in the local off licence (obviously it also rented films. To 11 year olds. Who of course were welcome in an off licence.) We'd look at covers and say "it says it's hilarious! And crazy! It must be good, let's rent it!" And we'd enjoy it whatever it was like- you could pause it for a wee or too look at the funny bits (in wobble vision) and rewind the best bits so often the tape got worn. Still, I found the Blues Brothers and Carwash that way so not all bad. Happy days.

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daddacool
22/10/2015 03:38:33 pm

I'm now watching the Invisible Strangler in it's entirety- some evil buggers uploaded it to YouTube.

Reply



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