What's the worst part of Christmas? That's right: it's having to send Christmas cards.
Like you don't already have enough to do at this time of year, we're also expecting to send cards to three types of people: business associates who we want to keep sweet; family members and friends who we feel guilty about not contacting during the rest of the year; and family members and friends we see regularly.
None of it makes sense. If you don't like someone enough to speak to them the rest of the year, just cut them out of your life - don't send them a card! If you like them enough to see them regularly, you're probably going to see them over Christmas at some point. Or just send them a text or something. Don't waste money on a stamp, for pity's sake.
Still, if we were to unexpectedly get our senses together enough to send cards this year, these baffling Victorian cards are the sort we'd like to send.
Like you don't already have enough to do at this time of year, we're also expecting to send cards to three types of people: business associates who we want to keep sweet; family members and friends who we feel guilty about not contacting during the rest of the year; and family members and friends we see regularly.
None of it makes sense. If you don't like someone enough to speak to them the rest of the year, just cut them out of your life - don't send them a card! If you like them enough to see them regularly, you're probably going to see them over Christmas at some point. Or just send them a text or something. Don't waste money on a stamp, for pity's sake.
Still, if we were to unexpectedly get our senses together enough to send cards this year, these baffling Victorian cards are the sort we'd like to send.
19. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... SCALLOPS LAMENTING ABSENT FRIENDS (NATIVES).
18. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... A DONKEY COMPLAINING ABOUT ITS SWOLLEN HEAD.
17. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... A BOILED CONKER MAN STARTLING AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC BIRD WOMAN.
16. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... A WHIMSICAL IMP WITH A PAN FOR A HEAD AND BOILING WATER FOR A BRAIN.
15. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... A LASCIVIOUS CLOWN PIERCING HIS HUGELY DISTENDED SCROTUM WITH A SWORD.
14. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... BEING STALKED BY PIGMAN.
13. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS HAPPY NEW YEAR LIKE... A HIDEOUSLY DEFORMED GOLEM.
12. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... A DEAD ROBIN.
11. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... FIREARMS McHOUND.
10. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS HAPPY NEW YEAR LIKE... TWO KIDS GETTING STANG OFF A BIG WASP.
9. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... FROG VIOLENCE.
8. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... INTER-SPECIES SEXUAL CONGRESS.
7. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... A BOY COOKED TO DEATH IN A BIG TEAPOT.
6. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... THE ICY STOMACH PRISON OF LADY CHATTERLY.
5. BECAUSE NOTHING WISHES YOU A "SATISFACTORY" CHRISTMAS LIKE... MR PUNCH'S FAVOURITE RECEIPT FOR A CHRISTMAS PUDDING.
4. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... WAKING UP TO FIND THIS THING HAS SLAUGHTERED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY.
3. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... BEING MAULED TO DEATH BY A POLAR BEAR.
2. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... BEING PUT IN THE STOCKS AND STABBED IN THE FOREHEAD BY A JESTER.
1. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... THE TERRIFYING STARE OF AN EMU.
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