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19 BAFFLING VINTAGE CHRISTMAS CARDS

7/12/2015

67 Comments

 
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What's the worst part of Christmas? That's right: it's having to send Christmas cards.

Like you don't already have enough to do at this time of year, we're also expecting to send cards to three types of people: business associates who we want to keep sweet; family members and friends who we feel guilty about not contacting during the rest of the year; and family members and friends we see regularly.

None of it makes sense. If you don't like someone enough to speak to them the rest of the year, just cut them out of your life - don't send them a card! If you like them enough to see them regularly, you're probably going to see them over Christmas at some point. Or just send them a text or something. Don't waste money on a stamp, for pity's sake. 

Still, if we were to unexpectedly get our senses together enough to send cards this year, these baffling Victorian cards are the sort we'd like to send.

19. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... SCALLOPS LAMENTING ABSENT FRIENDS (NATIVES).
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18. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... A DONKEY COMPLAINING ABOUT ITS SWOLLEN HEAD.
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17. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... A BOILED CONKER MAN STARTLING AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC BIRD WOMAN.
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16. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... A WHIMSICAL IMP WITH A PAN FOR A HEAD AND BOILING WATER FOR A BRAIN.
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15. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... A LASCIVIOUS CLOWN PIERCING HIS HUGELY DISTENDED SCROTUM WITH A SWORD.
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14. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... BEING STALKED BY PIGMAN.
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13. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS HAPPY NEW YEAR LIKE... A HIDEOUSLY DEFORMED GOLEM.
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12. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... A DEAD ROBIN.
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11. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... FIREARMS McHOUND.
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10. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS HAPPY NEW YEAR LIKE... TWO KIDS GETTING STANG OFF A BIG WASP.
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9. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... FROG VIOLENCE.
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8. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... INTER-SPECIES SEXUAL CONGRESS.
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7. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... A BOY COOKED TO DEATH IN A BIG TEAPOT.
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6. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... THE ICY STOMACH PRISON OF LADY CHATTERLY.
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5. BECAUSE NOTHING WISHES YOU A "SATISFACTORY" CHRISTMAS LIKE... MR PUNCH'S FAVOURITE RECEIPT FOR A CHRISTMAS PUDDING.
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4. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... WAKING UP TO FIND THIS THING HAS SLAUGHTERED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY.
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3. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... BEING MAULED TO DEATH BY A POLAR BEAR.
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2. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... BEING PUT IN THE STOCKS AND STABBED IN THE FOREHEAD BY A JESTER.
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1. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE... THE TERRIFYING STARE OF AN EMU.
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FROM THE ARCHIVE:
10 PEOPLE WHO JUST REALLY LIKE CHOCOLATE, AS FAR AS WE KNOW
32 KIDS WHO JUST COULDN'T WAIT TO SEE SANTA - with comments from Chip Shop Man
12 FACES EVERY GAMER RECOGNISES - introduced by Insincere Dave
67 Comments
lilock3
7/12/2015 11:39:50 am

Just think how different the world would be now if Rod Hull had been terrified by an emu as a child.

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Bob
10/12/2015 04:13:47 pm

Would have been amazing...

\m/

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Chris
7/12/2015 12:13:09 pm

Wishing you a satisfactory Christmas, Mr B.

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Chris Smith link
9/12/2015 11:22:12 pm

This actually makes sense to some people?

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Oowarrr
7/12/2015 06:52:24 pm

Was Victorian humour so surreal, whimsical, postmodern or avant garde, that it's almost unrecognisable to us, trapped as we are in a Chomskyish deception of vigorous permutation within subconsciously widely-agreed comfortable parameters?

Or were they all frankly barking mad?

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Jocille read
10/12/2015 12:32:07 pm

Yep. They were all sadistic nuts

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Me!
11/12/2015 02:22:08 am

You have to remember that gin was thruppence a gallon, and a bottle of cough mixture contained more live opium than a modern heroin hit. These people were tripping balls.

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Lianabali
13/12/2015 06:17:19 am

Love your comment!! Smiling outloud!!

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David
13/12/2015 06:23:03 pm

Whoever you are, wherever you are in the world, your writing is awesome. I love you.

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Gmkaye link
13/12/2015 10:04:13 pm

I think we can safely chalk a lot of these up to opium usage ;)

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lorraine Hoole
22/12/2015 08:48:20 pm

Woof

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carol
9/12/2015 07:10:41 am

think number 14 is a pig woman not a pig man

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Codex
9/12/2015 09:22:30 am

I was about to say the same thing. It's a pig LADY! ;)

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Andy
10/12/2015 03:49:43 pm

Clearly Mr Cameron was influenced......

Helen
10/12/2015 01:59:43 am

I was going to say the same. I'm glad I'm not the only one who went pigman? What were they thinking? It's clearly a pigwoman..

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Dana link
12/12/2015 04:29:39 am

Now you made me scroll backwards to No. 14 and see all those crazy cards again.

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awsmGirl
25/12/2015 12:38:25 pm

Isn't #14 referring to the HogFather?

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Codex
9/12/2015 09:21:30 am

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Simon
9/12/2015 11:49:05 am

http://evanstheblogs.blogspot.co.uk/2014/11/not-very-christmassy-cards.html

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Simon
9/12/2015 03:14:26 pm

No 15 is Vyvyan Basterd of the Young Ones.

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Raymond
21/11/2022 12:07:52 am

Omg! It totally could be! 🤣

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Linda link
9/12/2015 03:47:31 pm

I think Pigman might actually be Piglady?

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Barry Jackson
9/12/2015 06:55:30 pm

Them be oysters, not scallops (No. 19), and 'natives' refers to the variety of oyster that is only edible from September to April. Oyster-lovers would indeed mourn their absence, but, curiously, not over the Christmas period...

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Em Soul
9/12/2015 11:00:07 pm

Oysters are enjoyed by some people in France over the Christmas period, especially New Year's Eve. Maybe it used to be the same in England during Victorian times? I could be wrong.

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Andi
10/12/2015 07:46:26 am

I think the point is that native oysters are in season at Christmas, rather than that no one would want them.

PetuniaFigtree
10/12/2015 12:22:12 pm

Yea but... those oysters were masquerading as turkeys....with a ship in the background hmmmmm.

Markenstein
11/12/2015 05:41:31 pm

Am I misguided in thinking the oyster picture is taken from The Walrus And The Carpenter in Alice In Wonderland? In which case the reason for their absence is because the walrus has eaten them all. Scarcely a fine outcome for one's friends!

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KatyDidsCards link
11/12/2015 06:06:04 pm

I thought that too. Some interesting/bizarre humor going on there!

June Race
9/12/2015 08:41:31 pm

The jester was going to serve the man in the stocks with Christmas pudding , to make his Christmas happier, presumably. The dead robin? the red breast is, in myth, the blood of Christ, but at Christmas? Some seriously weird gestures of good will in these.

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Gill Shepherd
10/12/2015 11:25:30 am

It is an illustration of the song/nursery rhyme, 'Who killed Cock Robin?' Not very christmassy, I agree.

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Bookgal1977
10/12/2015 04:53:05 pm

It also might have something to do with the Wren King parades in the UK that happen around Dec 26. They used to parade with a real dead bird, but I believe they use a fake bird now. Maybe some connection...

peggy
15/12/2015 08:41:00 pm

Is the dead bird a Wren? Isn't their a 17th/18th century whereas young boys kill a wren on St.Stephens Day-the day after Christmas-and box it up and go door to door saying its the King in order to collect treats, drinks and money?

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Caractecus
9/12/2015 10:47:57 pm

That's a pigwoman, not a pigman.

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Caractecus
9/12/2015 10:49:33 pm

Or more precisely, a piggirl with her schoolbook.

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Jambo
10/12/2015 09:18:09 am

The Victorians gave the world: seances, tarot cards, social Darwinism, vibrators, cocaine, opium and absinthe.

Also there was a fad in the Victorian era for offensive Valentine's day cards.

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Laura
10/12/2015 12:18:25 pm

I think the boy in the pot is maybe 'Don't Care' - the boy in the poem who was boiled until he was done?

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Marianne Meyers
10/12/2015 01:02:38 pm

That big, round thing that Punch is stealing and that is in a lot of these Victoriana cards is the Christmas pudding. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_pudding

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KatyDidsCards link
10/12/2015 01:26:31 pm

I have the Chihuahua with a gun as a reproduction greeting card in my Etsy store. I make repros from vintage Victorian cards, not all of them are bizarre, but you'd be surprised how many are!

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KatyDidsCards link
10/12/2015 01:29:04 pm

For some reason my shop isn't coming up correctly in my name. You can find it here: https://www.etsy.com/shop/KatyDidsCards

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Rob
10/12/2015 02:21:47 pm

Some absolute crackers here! As for the Mr. Punch one, the word 'receipt' used to mean the same as 'recipe' so this one isn't quite as loopy as some of the others!

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Nancy
10/12/2015 03:17:51 pm

It helps to be an historian. Most of them make sense to me. Not ones I'd use today, but yeah, they made sense at the time.

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Ellen
10/12/2015 03:46:21 pm

Umm, that's not a scrotum, it's Christmas pudding. And the "golem' is actually a rutabaga.

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opiejeanne
10/12/2015 06:55:31 pm

I don't think that's a rutabaga; rutabagas are just yellow turnips. That looks more like a Jerusalem artichoke.

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Gloria Slater link
11/12/2015 09:26:42 pm

Maybe more of a large potato. UK equivalent of rutabaga is swede and they're very round

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Will
12/12/2015 02:37:29 am

That is a Jerusalem artichoke. The nose, conspicuously missing merry Christmas is anti-Semitic.

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Lisa Jackson link
11/12/2015 12:29:45 pm

I am DESPERATE to buy a set of reproductions of these cards for someone for Christmas - can anyone help me? IT doesn't have to be these exact ones but these would be great. Not cutesy ones - they have to be disturbing!!! Please reply and let me know if you can help

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emma
12/12/2015 03:58:29 pm

Purchase a box of blank cardboard cards at Staples, Use the Word template appropriate to the Staples cards (you can buy several sizes). Use something to get the image into the Word document (PrtScn and crop is one way). Put the Staples blanks into your printer. Print them.

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Liz
11/12/2015 07:23:31 pm

But #3 is just a polar bear hug ;)

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Zenaida Odom
11/12/2015 08:43:01 pm

I would also like to buy a set of cards like the ones above.

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susan
11/12/2015 09:31:28 pm

the donkey is warning that if you drink too much you will get a "big head"=hangover.

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Zrinka Jelic link
12/12/2015 12:00:24 am

Let me quote George Takei here when I say "Oh, myy!"

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Brenda Wolfenbarger
12/12/2015 12:56:00 am

The "donkey" is probably a wolf, referencing Red Riding Hood and hangovers...

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Brian Dash
12/12/2015 04:31:19 am

I notice that the majority of these images are not from "notecards", but from postcards. They all look to be from the "golden age" of postcards, roughly 1902 - 1912. Humorous postcards are still popular today, but the humor has changed significantly over the years.

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Zen Jen
12/12/2015 05:12:56 am

So you have to get into the mentalities of Victorian to understand these cards. Plural because well, lots of things influence how people think. Victorians had interesting mourning customs such as photos of the deceased. The dead bird in the card means someone died in the sender's family. Somethings are too hard to put into words.

Another mentality is thinking in metaphor, such as the bear hug - a sign of true affection. Then many Victorian were trained and taught with proverbs, e.g. stay out of hot water, stitch in time etc. These greetings express a lot of proverbs or life lessons. Oysters were a big treat, enjoyed esp over holidays. History buff.

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Saul Excalibur
12/12/2015 10:40:35 am

'Stang', my arse

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alison englefield
12/12/2015 11:24:20 am

I demand a reprint.

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Pam Harrison link
12/12/2015 12:39:49 pm

Guys those are Victorian Christmas puddings, not scrotums. :/
https://www.google.com/search?q=Christmas+pudding&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj25ui1q9bJAhUGSCYKHcyzAoAQ_AUIBygB&biw=1366&bih=572#tbm=isch&q=victorian+christmas+pudding

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Bill
13/12/2015 10:28:42 am

It's between his legs because it is actually a Spotty Dick he is about to tuck into. A favourite pudding of the
Victorians.

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Jami link
13/12/2015 03:28:10 am

#13 is not a Golem. Golems are made of clay and can only be created by special Rabbis. That's some sort of root vegetable.

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mjsee
16/12/2015 09:05:41 pm

I thought it looked like ginger, m'self. A spice often associated with Christmas comestibles...

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Bat
18/12/2015 02:56:18 pm

Can someone explain the wasp one??

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Steve
19/12/2015 11:02:29 am

I don't think the clown is piercing his scrotum with a sword. Everything in that picture is oversize, and the large mass is brown flecked with black. I think he is saying that his favorite part of Christmas is the Christmas Pudding (fruitcake in the US). He just has a huge Pudding, the black flecks are the raisins in it, and the sword is actually a big knife!. In fact if you scroll further through the card list there is another clown with a much smaller round object of the same type in the picture, and it actually says Christmas pudding.

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Lucius Merriweather link
22/12/2015 12:01:01 pm

I've just seen that the BBC have completely ripped off this article!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-34988154

Cheeky so and sos...

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Future man
13/12/2016 11:14:45 am

Wow, people from a year ago sure were dummies

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Kathleene M Thomson
18/11/2018 07:38:33 pm

Please, please change it so when I want to share this wonderful site the image of the kids/dogs doesn’t come up. It’s not reflective at all of the vintage cards.

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Melay
18/10/2020 11:02:34 pm

The one with the insects and frog look very much like the short film "The Insect's Christmas" by Wladislaw Starewicz in 1913. It's a few minutes long and can be seen on YouTube.

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Arizona Asian Massage link
19/4/2021 08:04:46 pm

Nice bllog thanks for posting

Reply



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