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20 NIGHTMARISH BABY CAKES

28/10/2015

4 Comments

 
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There's nothing more beautiful, more moving, than the miracle of birth, they insist. But "they" can't ever have witnessed a birth first hand. It's not like it is on TV you know: they don't come out looking like a well-scrubbed six month-old.

​They erupt in a tsunami of human viscera and dirt, accompanied by cries and screams of distress, while at least one of the participants is off their face on drugs. It less resembles a miracle than a massacre in an opium den. Here are 20 cakes which sum it up perfectly. WARNING: Some of these images might put you off your dessert.

20. HOW'S YOUR NAPPYTITE?
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19. "SAVE ME THE FOETUS..."
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18. PUSH, VALENE, PUSH! PUSH, VALENE, PUSH! IT IS TIME FOR GOLLUM TO EMERGE.
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17. WELL. SOMEBODY IS GOING TO NEED STITCHES...
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16. MMMM... STRAWBERRIES AND SPRINKLES.
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15. "I AM COMING FOR YOU, MOTHER..."
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14. "WE DID EVERYTHING WE COULD... INCLUDING BAKING YOU THIS CAKE OF CONDOLENCE."
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13. "MOTHER, WHAT DOES THAT BUTTON DO?"
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12. "SURPWISE!"
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11. "EEE! EEE! I BRING TO YOU THE GIFT OF FRESH FRUIT."
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10. SOMEBODY'S GOING TO CHOKE ON THAT PIERCING.
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9. BUNGEE!
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8. <WINK>
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7. A RARE SEA ANENOME.
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6. WELCOME, HADDIE. NOW PLEASE GO BACK IN, YOU UTTER HORROR.
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5. <NOM NOM> "MOTHER TASTES LIKE BEEF."
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4. LINSAY CAN'T PUSH. FOR SHE IS TRIPPING OFF HER FACE.
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3. "CONGRATULATIONS! IT'S A BEAUTIFUL, BOUNCING, KIM JONG UN!"
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2. CUT OFF HER HEAD, AND IT DOUBLES AS A CAKE OF HUMPTY DUMPTY SMOKING A CIGAR.
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1. "YOU'VE REMEMBERED TO PACK YOUR BIRTHING CONVERSE AND GUN HOLSTER, HAVEN'T YOU, JOANNE?"
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FROM THE ARCHIVE:
31 TERRIFYING SIMPSONS COSPLAY ERRORS
21 PHOTOS OF KIDS WHO ARE TERRIFIED OF HALLOWEEN
THE GREAT STAR WARS BAKE-OFF! 23 TERRIBLE STAR WARS CAKES

4 Comments
Steeeeve
28/10/2015 01:55:28 pm

Your internet search history must be thing of wonder, Mr. Biffo...

Reply
Kelvin Green link
28/10/2015 07:23:35 pm

I... er... uh... oh... cannot... urk.

Reply
pelago
28/10/2015 08:22:29 pm

Wow, I never knew baby cakes were even a thing.

Also, two 15s and two 17s?

Reply
Mr Biffo
28/10/2015 08:23:49 pm

Fuck's sake! Well done, Pelago. You win the prize for spotting today's deliberate mistake.

Reply



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