Greetings, dicks. Doctor Ashley Tagg here. If you've never heard of me, you may be more be more familiar with the nickname that my students have given me - "Dr Hashtag" (although I don't understand what it means).
It is with great interest to that I am here today to announce that our faculty is working on a device which allows us to speak with the animals.
It's the brainchild of my colleague, Professor L.E. Peenys (who for some reason the students have nicknamed "Smelly Penis" - I don't know why).
Consequently, we've been testing this invention on the animals, and have documented the result for you as follows. All that remains it to say that it's so very good of you to give this a look. I honestly cannot thank you enough, and it really warms my heart.
It is with great interest to that I am here today to announce that our faculty is working on a device which allows us to speak with the animals.
It's the brainchild of my colleague, Professor L.E. Peenys (who for some reason the students have nicknamed "Smelly Penis" - I don't know why).
Consequently, we've been testing this invention on the animals, and have documented the result for you as follows. All that remains it to say that it's so very good of you to give this a look. I honestly cannot thank you enough, and it really warms my heart.
17. “Formal education will make you a living; self-education will make you a fortune.”
16. “The curve of her smile, the curve of the small of her back, the curve of her laugh, everything about her makes me want to be more well-rounded.”
15. "I've taken my knickers off. My friends told me my panty line was visible, so I went without."
14. "If I fail, the film industry writes me off as another statistic. If I succeed, they pay me a million bucks to fly out to Hollywood and fart."
13. “Mainstream media keeps the people uniformly uninformed, and I don’t like uniforms, which is why I stay abreast of issues through bralessness.”
12. “She’s French, so she’s teaching them French, and their previous nanny was Spanish, so they’re fluent in Spanish.”
11. “And we read each other Rumi and talked about Einstein’s theory of entanglement and Hamlet and the White Stripes and Fibonacci. It was just an amazing time of sharing all the things that we loved, filling ourselves up with so many references that we were then happy to drop, because we knew what we were talking about.”
10. "I could drink you under the table."
9. "Sometimes Harvey Weinstein will let me use the Miramax jet if I’m opening a supermarket for him.”
8. “One cold wintry day in London, I was dreaming about salad nicoise - one of my favorites.”
7. "Your Majesty will do the human race an eternal service by extirpating this infamous superstition, I do not say among the rabble, who are not worthy of being enlightened and who are apt for every yoke; I say among honest people, among men who think, among those who wish to think. My one regret in dying is that I cannot aid you in this noble enterprise, the finest and most respectable which the human mind can point out."
6. "Through this process my father and daughter had unwittingly taught me the importance of balance. Could I use some butter and cheese and eggs in my cooking without going down some kind of hippie shame spiral? Yes. Of course I could.”
5. “It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?”
4. “If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”
3. “Let us cultivate our garden.”
2. “If I hadn't lost my hearing, I wouldn't be where I am now. It forced me to maximize my own potential. I have to be better than the average person to succeed.”
1. “Life is a dance more than it is an assertion and there is more health in dynamism or fluidity than there is rigidity and stasis.”
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