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15 THINGS WE LEARNED ABOUT NOEL EDMONDS FROM HIS WEBSITE

13/6/2016

24 Comments

 
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Poor old Noel Edmonds. He's been in the news a lot this past week, since talking about his "simple box that slows ageing, reduces pain, lifts depression and stress and tackles cancer", and asking a cancer sufferer whether his negative attitude might've caused his ill health.

​He got roasted online and on This Morning, and gave an interview in The Daily Mail, where he talked about seeing "silver sperm" floating around in the sky.

But is Noel just being misrepresented? Who is the real Noel Edmonds? We took a trip to his website - Noel.World - to see what we could learn about this veteran broadcaster. 
15. NOEL OFFERS A SERVICE WHERE HE'LL PHONE YOUR PETS AND OFFER THEM "POSITIVE WORDS OF APPRECIATION AND MOTIVATION".
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14. NOEL HAS AN IRRITATING, CHUCKLING, FARTING SIDEKICK CALLED "POSI".
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13. NOEL'S SOON GOING TO BE LAUNCHING A RADIO STATION FEATURING THE SEXIEST SONGS ON THE PLANET - "FOR SEX" - WHERE "YOU COME FIRST".
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12. ONE OF HIS RECENTLY LAUNCHED STATIONS FEATURES NOTHING BUT RECORDINGS OF PEOPLE LAUGHING... 24 HOURS A DAY, 7 DAYS A WEEK.
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11. THIS IS HOW NOEL SEES HIS HOME LIFE.
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10. NOEL ISN'T AT ALL BITTER OR PARANOID ABOUT FAILING TO GET A SECOND BOOK DEAL.
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9. NOEL AND HIS WIFE LIZ ONCE SPOONFED A COUPLE OF BUTTERFLIES, WHICH NOEL THINKS MIGHT'VE BEEN A SIGN FROM HIS LATE PARENTS. SO BEGAN HIS FASCINATION WITH ORBS.
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8. IN NOEL'S HOME HE HAS MULTIPLE VIDEO SCREENS CONSTANTLY SCROLLING THROUGH HIS FAVOURITE AFFIRMATIONS.
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7. NOEL DOESN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT WATER IS.
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6. NOEL WANTS YOU TO KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT HIS RECENT TWITTER CLAIMS. HE DID NOT SAY THAT HIS BOX CURES CANCER: IT "TACKLES" IT.
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5. AS A POSITIVE MAN, NOEL LOATHES INVOLVING THE LEGAL PROFESSION.
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4. IF PHILLIP SCHOFIELD EVER GETS CANCER, NOEL WILL SHOW HIM RESPECT, SYMPATHY AND COMPASSION - EVEN THOUGH PHILLIP WAS AGGRESSIVE AND DISRESPECTFUL TO THE VIEWERS OF THIS MORNING
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3. NOEL PUTS HIS YOUTHFUL GOOD LOOKS DOWN TO A COMBINATION OF SPECIAL EXERCISE, BALANCED NUTRITION AND PULSED ELECTROMAGNETIC FIELD THERAPY - RATHER THAN BEARD DYE AND HIGHLIGHTS.
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2. DEAL OR NO DEAL WILL NEVER BE AXED. BUT IT MAY COME TO THE END OF ITS NATURAL LIFE. ITS PLACE IN THE TV HALL OF FAME IS JUSTIFIED.
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1. NOEL WANTS TO KNOW WHY 12% OF US ARE SUFFERING FROM "ELECTRO-SMOG".
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FROM THE ARCHIVE:
CAN YOU HELP NOEL EDMONDS REGAIN HIS MEMORIES?
​
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24 Comments
RG
13/6/2016 11:20:14 am

I don't know if this is real - I'm confused and a little bit frightened...

Reply
Mr Biffo
13/6/2016 11:21:45 am

It's all real. Visit his website.

Reply
RG
13/6/2016 11:41:17 am

I did. At first I thought that this was one of your silly listicles of made up fun. Then I looked and thought that somebody had put a lot of effort into a silly site. But it's real? Wow! I'm confused and a little bit frightened...

Picston Shottle
13/6/2016 04:52:42 pm

I was gonna ask the very same question: is it real? I know I could have just checked his website but I don't want to give the smarmy twat any more positivity by increasing his visit numbers.

Mr Biffo
13/6/2016 05:01:27 pm

Yep. All real, and beyond parody.

Mm milk mimnjmmii m
14/6/2016 12:08:15 pm

Im

Dr Kank
13/6/2016 11:44:48 am

I have a feeling that Noel Edmonds is a bit like the Incredible Hulk, in that if he ever gives in to the Negativity, if only for a moment, he'll turn into some kind of giant bearded monster that will unleash a tide of destruction upon the world. If it takes a magic box to stop him doing that, then good on the box.

Reply
Skryll Vertex link
13/6/2016 12:27:06 pm

That's exactly what happened to Dave Lee Travis

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Kelvin Green link
13/6/2016 12:43:58 pm

You never see them together, do you?

Panama Joe
13/6/2016 02:17:42 pm

A similar scenario was predicted by Brass Eye many years ago: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGtdsXhXiEM

Reply
Wadaload
13/6/2016 12:19:07 pm

Those animals look a bit frightened at the prospect of getting a phone call from Noel, or perhaps he's just finished telling them about his ghostly orbs.

Reply
Skryll Vertex link
13/6/2016 12:25:15 pm

"12% suffering from Electro-Smog" Has Noel started chanelling Brass eye or something?

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Nocturne
13/6/2016 12:36:04 pm

Someone asked me the other day if Noel had gone "a bit David Icke". I'm starting to believe that ship had alread sailed.

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willmill82
14/6/2016 07:17:28 pm

A cross between Icke and Partridge.

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paul jon millions
13/6/2016 12:50:45 pm

I read "special exercise" as "spectral exercise" and it seemed to fit perfectly in context.

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ORLESS
13/6/2016 12:53:42 pm

Hearing that Icke's been riding his BMX up and down outside Edmonds house, unhappy that he's losing his grip on the '80s TV presenter conspiracy lunatic-at-large' trophy.

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Miss Blobby
13/6/2016 01:13:42 pm

http://www.theguardian.com/media/2006/oct/21/broadcasting.arts - behind the scene(s) at 'Deal Or No Deal'; it's old but worth a read, do make sure you recharge your positivity ions first using triple filtered 'Existential' brand water.

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Da5e
13/6/2016 01:20:48 pm

This is all a bit... worrying. When's he going to start talking about how the Glove Woman manipulates his insides through a machine casting foul vapours?

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Alastair
13/6/2016 03:23:51 pm

All this business about multiple screens installed through the house firing off positivity make me wonder if he's some sort of weird inept benevolent super villain.

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Ms AnneThrope
13/6/2016 05:39:54 pm

Noel wants to take over the BBC. Wouldn't that be just great; all that positivity, laughing and cancer tackling. I'm sure it would probably end cancer once and for all.

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Dunc
13/6/2016 10:54:56 pm

If you subscribe to the pet calling service, enter the pet name as Posi T Eve, the breed as Bearded Goon and hold Ctrl Shift and Enter it takes you to a video of Bronk's funeral. That's scientific FACT

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Spiney O'Sullivan
15/6/2016 08:32:35 am

I do wish you people would stop saying that Bronk is dead. Be more positive. Bronk's spirit lives on as an orb (Brorb).

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Euphemia
14/6/2016 01:38:00 pm

If he transposed all of this mad shite to the US he'd probably be leading his own cult inside of a year.

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Nick
21/9/2016 02:21:40 pm

Legend.

Reply



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