Who doesn't love a monkey? They're literally nature's cheekiest imps. The way they scurry and scamper... why, we could watch them all day going about their silly business.
But what if they weren't going about their silly business? What if they were dead, and someone had stuffed their skin with wire, and sawdust, and stuck a branch up one of their holes, and then their fur and skin started to deteriorate, to slither away like sheets of damp fleece? Not so cheeky anymore.
Here are at least 15 monkeys of the sort we have just described. We make no apologies for the monstrous prospects that shall be absorbed into your subconscious, should you choose to view the remainder of this article. You have been cautioned...
But what if they weren't going about their silly business? What if they were dead, and someone had stuffed their skin with wire, and sawdust, and stuck a branch up one of their holes, and then their fur and skin started to deteriorate, to slither away like sheets of damp fleece? Not so cheeky anymore.
Here are at least 15 monkeys of the sort we have just described. We make no apologies for the monstrous prospects that shall be absorbed into your subconscious, should you choose to view the remainder of this article. You have been cautioned...
15. BATES
We warned you. We stated what was awaiting you, but you chose to ignore us. You always have to know best. Your arrogance is a blight on your own life. And now you are destined to dream about this harrowing macaque bouncing up and down on a wire at the foot of your bed while somebody plays a recording of a screeching chimp. You have only yourself to blame. Such arrogance. Such hubris.
14. SALEM
We told you what would happen. Now you're never going to forget this hairy, immobile, abhorrence. You'll be out driving, or walking, or running... and you'll suddenly get a flash of it in your mind's eye, as it rolls across the pavement and into the gutter, like posthumous tumbleweed. The next thing you know you'll be waking up on a hospital gurney with your wrists bandaged, and a drip in your arm, burbling... "The horror... the horror... the stuffed monkey horror that rolls, stiff and not-living, yes...".
13. POE
We're only three pictures in. There's still time to turn away while you have some of your sanity left. It isn't too late to click back, you know... Unfortunately, you've already seen this... thing... with its obsidian arachnid eyes, and previously flesh-rending maw. You must be starting to imagine what those teeth feel like, bumping impotently against your shoulder, those dead arms flailing at your face like loose planks in a breeze...
12. RAVEN
You need to ask yourself what's driving you onwards. Surely you can't be enjoying this gallery of torment? Surely you don't take pleasure in seeing these simian stiffs? And if you do... you need to ask yourself why. What is it that pushes you on, deeper into this dank, impossible nightmare, this jungle of rictus-jawed primate freaks...?! What mechanism has broken inside you? What lead you to this defining moment of portent and self-harm?
11. LECTER
Those eyes... those sterile glass eyes... frozen in their sockets... turning sharply to face you from within the mulberry bush, with all the grace and spirit of a weathervane... while you stand in your garden in the dead of night as you usually do, looking through a telescope into the soul of the universe, asking questions never answered.
10. ELDRITCH
It's coming for you. It is. We're not even kidding about this one. The clock ticks and tolls. Those blue marble orbs have sealed your fate. A package will arrive for you in the post. You shall open it. And he shall be inside, those peeled lips even more blood-curdling in the leathery, long-dead flesh... "Please leave feedback..." the note will read... "Please review this item, and leave feeeeedbaaaaaaa-aa-a-ack".
9. FANGG
We know what you're thinking right now... you're thinking about walking to work, and being passed by a dark car. "Strange", you imagine you'll mutter to yourself. "I normally only see bright cars on my way to work". But then the dusky vehicle doubles back... only this time an occupant winds down the window and throws this grim imitation of arboreal locomotion at your head - plastic martini glass and all...
8. REAPER
What's that? You're starting to become numbed to the sight of the dead, posed, monkeys? They trouble you no longer? Keep telling yourself that... keep telling yourself that and maybe you won't suffer a paralysing day terror, in which you believe an unseen hand is rubbing this flea-ridden creature all over your exposed tummy-tum-tum and face...
7. DAVE
Dave's alright. You don't have to worry about Dave... or do you?!
6. CROWLEY
Is that a whimper we hear? You're right to whimper... because one day this mouldy homuncule might find its way into the corner of your living room... where the banana will rot... and rot some more, turning blacker and blacker and blacker, giving off a sweet, sickly, smell, attracting fruit flies, and eliciting comments along the lines of "What's that smell? Has that banana gone off? Yeah, I think it's the banana"...
5. MORTE
You can feel it, can't you... the gnawing sense of dread in the valley of your gut, as the potential scenarios begin to play out, one after another, building in intensity. Much as you fight them, the images strobe through your subconscious; Coming home to find this stagnant mockery of existence rotating on the vinyl turntable you picked up recently at the Sue Ryder Shop... opening your Smeg to find it motionless amid your almond milk and Quorn pieces... hearing a commotion in the hall to find somebody forcing the musty carrion sack through your letterbox, their grunts of exertion the only sounds of humanity...
4. DAMIEN
You've only just glanced at the photo, haven't you... Oh really? Now check your watch. You've just lost forty minutes of your day. That's how long you've been staring at the stark, dusty pudenda of this balding rotter... You became lost in its flaking, parody of male vigour. You couldn't turn away, and yes... everyone around was watching as you sat there, slack-jawed, and murmuring, and jerking your neck back and forth as if trying to attract its attention...
3. LAZARUS
Our journey is almost at an end. You've seen enough for one lifetime. But first... Those hands... like brittle liquorice sticks from beneath the sofa. You're doing it aren't you? You're doing what we all do at this point - imagining tripping on a rug, and ending up with one of those fingers - in your mouth....
2. A YOUNG NOEL EDMONDS
No deal.
1. FAUSTUS
And so it concludes. The worst experience of your life. A transformative voyage into the distant perimeter of all that is holy, all that is decent - where resides this menagerie of zoological caricatures, these travesties of evolution and the natural process. Darwin's Follies. All that is left is for you to conceptualise one final scenario - this top-hatted chimera floating in your bath water, with all hairs and bits coming off it and that. Sleep well, oh child. Sleep well...
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