They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but sometimes we feel the phrase should be amended to "beauty is in the brown-eye of the bum-holder". We don't even know what that means.
Sadly, video game box art is not - generally speaking - known for its creative accomplishments. All too often, it feels like an afterthought, thrown together at the last minute to sell a game without any real investment in achieving something that works as a piece of art in its own right. But still... there's that, and then there's this: here are 15 stink-laden examples of the worst video game cover art ever.
Sadly, video game box art is not - generally speaking - known for its creative accomplishments. All too often, it feels like an afterthought, thrown together at the last minute to sell a game without any real investment in achieving something that works as a piece of art in its own right. But still... there's that, and then there's this: here are 15 stink-laden examples of the worst video game cover art ever.
15. NIGHT TRAP
"Sh'yeah. Look at me in my unflattering spoits bra, gesturing towards d'ose goddamn vampoyers. Whaddaya look at those guys already capish? I'm walkin' here! Sh'yeah - I'm walkin' here in my spoits bra."
14. CHEGGERS PARTY QUIZ
14. CHEGGERS PARTY QUIZ
In which someone thought it was a good idea to transform an ageing television presenter into a video game icon, by rendering him in the image of a chirping, check-shirted, foetus.
13. SUPER BUST-A-MOVE
13. SUPER BUST-A-MOVE
There can't be many of us who haven't put a pair of sunglasses on a baby, or drawn on one of our own children with an indelible marker. It's one of the joys of being alive. But what makes this image truly foul and inexplicable is that glacé cherry balanced on the infant's lips, surrounded by a burbling ring of spittle. Babies? Babies are disgusting.
12. BUST-A-MOVE 2: ARCADE EDITION
12. BUST-A-MOVE 2: ARCADE EDITION
The baby may have been weird, but the Bust-A-Move franchise has done weirder still with this nightmarish effort. Rather than evoking a frantic, ball-firing, puzzle game, if we are to believe the howling sphere-face on this cover, it appears that Bust-A-Move 2 is an horrific exercise in sleep-deprivation.
11. DONKEY KONG
11. DONKEY KONG
Not terrible as such, but a definite curio, given that this is one of the earliest depictions of Mario. Who would've thought he was such a lithe, well-toned, mullet-sporting, hammer-wielding hunk in his prime? If we are to believe the artwork, Mario seems to be very happy about the fact he's going to smash that snarling wolfman's head in. Oh, Mario... why you such a little guy now? Do you have stenosis of the spine, love?
10. STREET HOCKEY '95
10. STREET HOCKEY '95
It's difficult to really know what they were going for here. The artwork suggests some sort of fumbled attempt at an urban theme, but it's just so woefully slapdash and unattractive. From the miniature lady hockey player on the right, to "street man's" terrible dentistry and his one-legged kicking. "Mmf! Mff! This ain't easy when you is balancin' on a stump, people. Word up!".
9. KARNAAJ RALLY
9. KARNAAJ RALLY
Well, this looks thrown together in about 5 minutes. If that. The blue hair seems to be going for some sort of punk spirit, but his bruised eyes and terrified expression suggest that he's been recently mugged - perhaps by the occupant of the spectral ghost car that seems to be haunting him. "Whurrrrrr! It's c-c-c-coming back!"
8. SUPER DUPER SUMOS
8. SUPER DUPER SUMOS
There's really no other way to read this other than it's three fat guys in thongs, slapping their buttocks together while experiencing explosive diarrhoea.
7. NINJA SCOOTER SIMULATOR
7. NINJA SCOOTER SIMULATOR
We appreciate that scooters are the traditional mode of transport for ninjas, but this ham-fisted 80s effort really does take some beating. It looks like a dim-witted 13 year-old got an airbrush for Christmas, and painted a picture of everything he thought was cool.
6. REALITY FIGHTERS
6. REALITY FIGHTERS
We respect them for not going the obvious route, but seeing the spindly, hollow-chested, weak-armed specimen they chose to promote this game, we understand why most beat 'em up covers feature a heavily-muscled, well-oiled tough. This chap looks like he's attempting to impress a first date by threatening to beat up a hen.
5. TOMMY LASORDA BASEBALL
5. TOMMY LASORDA BASEBALL
Not being American, we don't have a clue who Tommy Lasorda is, but judging from this cover he appears to be a Bill Clinton impersonator. And he's about to have that strained smile wiped from his face by the introduction of a baseball to his mouth. Good.
4. MEGA MAN
4. MEGA MAN
Look at this abomination. There's really nothing about it that works. Even his helmet is off-centre. We appreciate that budgets were smaller back in the day, but were they really so small that you had to hire myopic pre-schoolers to do your cover artwork?
3. PHALANX
3. PHALANX
Because nothing says "Hyper-speed shoot-out in space" like Seasick Steve.
2. ACTION FIGHTER
2. ACTION FIGHTER
You could fill an entire feature with Sega's terrible minimalist early Master System covers. This one takes the cake for not even attempting to portray the game it supposedly relates to. What are we to expect here? A detective game, in which Sherlock Holmes investigates microscopic crimes in a miniature city? Maybe. And, of course, the only title for such a game must be "Action Fighter"...
1. SNOW WHITE AND THE 7 CLEVER BOYS
1. SNOW WHITE AND THE 7 CLEVER BOYS
No, we haven't put this together ourselves. There really was a PlayStation 2 game called Snow White And The 7 Clever Boys. Though "game" might be pushing it; this was more an ill-rendered cartoon, featuring characters such as "Big Basil" - who is described as "well... huge" - and a questionable racial stereotype called "Sully". Don't believe us? Here it is in full:
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