Famous people are the best! We don't stop to question why... we just know they sort of are! They're attractive sometimes, and funny, and some of them can play the trumpet, and they're in films... and... and... whatever, guy!
We treat them like they're better than us, like they deserve to be elevated above the rest of us scum. And this is probably because we know that the second they do something wrong, we're going to tear them apart with our teeth and fingers, in order to feel slightly better about our own misery. Celebrities... they're basically free-range pigs, see. They live a life of pampered luxury... but there's still a butcher's hook waiting with their name on it.
Still. Who wouldn't pass up an opportunity to spend time in the company of their favourite famous dude? Or - failing that - some of their stuff? Here are fifteen bizarre items of celebrity memorabilia that actually got put up for auction.
We treat them like they're better than us, like they deserve to be elevated above the rest of us scum. And this is probably because we know that the second they do something wrong, we're going to tear them apart with our teeth and fingers, in order to feel slightly better about our own misery. Celebrities... they're basically free-range pigs, see. They live a life of pampered luxury... but there's still a butcher's hook waiting with their name on it.
Still. Who wouldn't pass up an opportunity to spend time in the company of their favourite famous dude? Or - failing that - some of their stuff? Here are fifteen bizarre items of celebrity memorabilia that actually got put up for auction.
15. ELVIS PRESLEY'S DIRTY UNDERPANTS
These filthy underpants were worn by Elvis during a 1977 performance, shortly before his death. We don't know the origin of that brown stain, but given how he lived and died, we can all hazard a guess. He wasn't known as The King for nothing... The King of Soiling Himself!!!! LOLLO!! Elvis Presley? More like Elvis Poos-Lots! ROFL!!!!!? SALE PRICE: Reserve not met.
14. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE'S HALF-EATEN FRENCH TOAST
A partially-eaten, slightly burnt, breakfast treat, left behind by the former N-Sync crooner at a New York radio station in 2000. Why would you want this? To lick the part where his teeth had been you say? Oh. Oh, okay... SALE PRICE: $1,025.
13. MICHAEL JACKSON'S PANTS
Another pair of celebrity pants - but these 28-inch Calvin Klein briefs have a particularly unique history, in that they were among evidence confiscated from the singer's home, during the 2003 investigation into whether he was a creepy weirdoid (well... duh). They even came with their own evidence bag! Bargain! SALE PRICE: $1 million approximately.
12. QUEEN VICTORIA'S KNICKERS
Who wouldn't want these massive bloomers hanging on their wall, knowing that they used to swaddle the royal buttocks, and the royal front buttocks, and filtered the royal flatus? You can't put a price on that sort of treasure. Except: apparently you can. SALE PRICE: £12,000
11. WILLIAM SHATNER'S KIDNEY STONE
Sold for charity to an online casino, this sizeable kidney stone was passed through the urethra of Captain James T Kirk himself. Also sold at the same auction... Mr Spock's freeze-dried haemorrhoids. SALE PRICE: $25,000
10. ELVIS PRESLEY'S AUTOPSY TOOLS
A selection of scissors and stainless steel pokey-things, that were allegedly used to root around in the guts of The King of Rock N' Roll. The auction was cancelled not because of taste and decency considerations - clearly such things matter not when it comes to celebrity memorabilia - but because questions were raised over their authenticity. The auction items included rubber gloves, forceps, lip brushes, a comb, eye liner, needle injectors, and a toe tag. Wait... lip brushes?! Brushes for lips? SALE PRICE: Removed from auction.
9. LEE HARVEY OSWALD'S COFFIN
The coffin of Lee Harvey Oswald, everyone's favourite celebrity and alleged president-shooter, was exhumed in 1981 due to mounting conspiracy theories that it did not actually contain his body. The funeral home kept it in storage, and sold it earlier this year... but had to subsequently renege on the sale and return the casket to Oswald's family. Look at the picture: the conspiracy theorists were right! IT CONTAINED ONLY MUD...!! SALE PRICE: $87,468.
8. ELVIS PRESLEY'S HAIR
Some hair in a jar, from the head of Elvis. Thousands of uses! Rub yourself with it! Put it in your mouth! Bake it into a cake! Plug your bumhole with it! SALE PRICE: $115,000
7. JOHN LENNON'S ROTTEN TOOTH
This rotten tooth was bought by Alberta dentist Michael Zuk who - no word of a lie - claimed it was "Genetic real estate", and hoped it contained enough DNA of the late Beatles singer to one day clone a new version. Zuk said at that time of the 2014 auction: "He could be looked at as my son". Bit creepy maybe...? SALE PRICE: $31,000
6. GARY COLEMAN'S TRACKSUIT BOTTOMS
These soiled sweatpants were bought by comedian and talk show house Jimmy Kimmel, in order to help fund Coleman's medical bills. The diminutive Diff'rent Strokes actor died two years later. SALE PRICE: $500
5. MADONNA'S DIRTY ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
These answering machine messages contained explicit monologues left by Madonna on a boyfriend's answering machine in the early 90s. Foul. SALE PRICE: $10,000 - $20,000 estimated.
4. ELVIS PRESLEY'S NASAL DOUCHE
A glass douche, that was regularly shoved up The King of Rock N' Roll's nose, in order to treat a sinus condition. SALE PRICE: Estimated between $1,000 - $2,000
3. HITLER'S GLASSES
Adolf (S)Hitler kept his short sightedness hidden from the world at large - which was the major selling point of these "secret" reading glasses. Pfft! If he was worried that about people making fun of him for how he looked, he probably should've shaved off that stupid moustache, and sorted out the hair. SALE PRICE: £5,000
2. ELVIS PRESLEY'S UNDRUNK WATER
A few teaspoons of water from a cup Elvis Presley was alleged to have supped from. The water was kept frozen for almost 30 years, before its sale in 2008. That's got to be worth about fifty quid tops, right? SALE PRICE: $455. Oh.
1. NAPOLEON'S PENIS
Removed during the autopsy of the French leader, Napoleon's penis was put on show in New York in 1931, when it was described by Time Magazine as "a maltreated strip of buckskin shoelace". It was purchased in 1977 by a US-based urologist for a mere $3,000. It's enough to give a guy a complex! Do you see? SALE PRICE: $3,000
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
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