It is well established that the game covers of yore weren't always great works of art.
Indeed, many of them appeared to have been either put together from clip-art by a four-year old, or scrawled in crayon by a smelly GCSE art student, or someone who got a cheap airbrush for Christmas.
However, the same thing could be said of the musical world too; for every Unknown Pleasures or The Velvet Underground & Nico, there's a... well, there's a load like these - which appear to fall in the intersection of the Venn diagram of covers that would work just as well for old games as they would for terrible albums.
Behold this thing of which I speak!
Indeed, many of them appeared to have been either put together from clip-art by a four-year old, or scrawled in crayon by a smelly GCSE art student, or someone who got a cheap airbrush for Christmas.
However, the same thing could be said of the musical world too; for every Unknown Pleasures or The Velvet Underground & Nico, there's a... well, there's a load like these - which appear to fall in the intersection of the Venn diagram of covers that would work just as well for old games as they would for terrible albums.
Behold this thing of which I speak!
LIL MILT - THE PROPHECY
An Angel? A Devil? We're in pure Peter Molyneux territory, with the fate of the world held in your hands. Build a city! Decide whether the citizens are pure or sinful! Wonder where all those promised features have gone! Join the online mob and hound Peter Molyneux out of the games industry!
MAGNUM - VIGILANTE
I had the great privilege of seeing Magnum supporting Marillion at Milton Keynes Bowl in 1986. I remember nothing about Magnum, but I did get hit on the head by a bottle full of piss, and endured the remainder of the concert with a big, urine-stinking, lump on my head. Nothing changes!!!!
Anyhow - here we are clearly looking at the cover for a late-80s point-and-click fantasy adventure game. Magnum, you bunch of melts! (The ice-cream-called-Magnum joke).
Anyhow - here we are clearly looking at the cover for a late-80s point-and-click fantasy adventure game. Magnum, you bunch of melts! (The ice-cream-called-Magnum joke).
PLAIN - PULL MY FINGER
Try-hard rapper Plain is clearly a fan of the Grand Theft Auto series, judging from this edgy mess. Though this cover looks like one of those PS3 bootlegs you'd find in an exotic marketplace, or a generic GTA-lite "gangsta" game, created with only a tenth of Rockstar's budget.
SCORPIONS - FLY TO THE RAINBOW
This clumsily-airbrushed image would look right at home on the cover of almost any Commodore 64 or Spectrum game. Most likely it wouldn't relate much to the actual content, but very few covers did back then.
SOULJA SLIM - GIVE IT 2 'EM RAW
Again, this doesn't look like an official release, but a Taiwanese bootleg of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare. Which, to be honest, would still feature the words "Give it 2 'Em Raw".
RIOT - NARITA
Narita's squatting sloth-sumo-man features on a cover that is pure 80s home computer, presumably the cover for side-scrolling combat game, featuring a plane as an end-of-level boss. Look: he's got an axe, and is pooing out some skulls!
DR DOOM - FIRST COME FIRST SERVED
Dr Doom has a nice haircut. This would be a wacky Amiga resource management game in which you have to serve hamburgers to a variety of kerrrraaaazy customers, including a gorilla and what might be a big wasp. Don't get the ingredients wrong, or the customers will start smashing up your establishment!
MAIN SOURCE - BREAKING ATOMS
All you'd need to do is replace the rappers with some middle class white folk, and this would slot in nicely alongside any number of Amiga and Atari ST puzzle games.
PANTERA - METAL MAGIC
Oh look - it's the ZX Spectrum version of Sega's Altered Beast. Please, Altered Beast, why do you have no lap or penis?
SHUT UP AND DANCE - DANCE BEFORE THE POLICE COME
Oiled Dudes vs Dragon Ninja. You could see this on a SNES box. I like how the guy on the right is giving you a wave.
"Hi, guys! We're really slippery."
"Hi, guys! We're really slippery."
LEI SECA - ART ROCK
Pure Sierra Online territory here. The sword-wielding gentleman looks a little dubious.
"How do you like the game you're in, sir?"
"Ennnh..."
Also, she looks like she's about to administer an enema.
Sierra Online's Legends Of Enema: The Brown Crown.
"How do you like the game you're in, sir?"
"Ennnh..."
Also, she looks like she's about to administer an enema.
Sierra Online's Legends Of Enema: The Brown Crown.
BABY AKA THE #1 STUNNA - BIRDMAN
Oh look - it's the PS1 version of Sega's Altered Beast.
FRUUPP - THE PRINCE OF HEAVEN'S EYES
Clearly a Super Mario Brothers rip-off for the Speccy. There's even a mushroom, and a stunted little fellow with a red shirt. Watch out, Fruupp - Nintendo's lawyers will be giving you a call!
Fruuuuuupp!
Fruuuuuupp!
TRICK DADDY - WWW.THUG.COM
A game from the early days of the Internet, when the Web was still a strange and mysterious unknown. This would be some sort of hacker-lite sim thing, where you have to hack into various secure websites by punching cursors.
Also: can you remember the trick daddies you used to be able to get from the practical joke rack at the corner shop? You'd take them round your friend's house and lay them in the hall, and your friend would think it was their real daddy, and that he had died.
Hilarious fun!
Also: can you remember the trick daddies you used to be able to get from the practical joke rack at the corner shop? You'd take them round your friend's house and lay them in the hall, and your friend would think it was their real daddy, and that he had died.
Hilarious fun!
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