14 JAW-DROPPINGLY TERRIBLE SELF-PUBLISHED BOOKS

Anyone can publish anything these days. Let's face it, in this age of crowd-funding and internet print-on-demand, even a lunatic can pump out any old rubbish and call themselves an author or games journalist.

And that's just as well, given that the publishing industry is now almost completely geared towards celebrity kiss-and-tells, TV tie-ins, and selling the movie rights to teen franchise books set in dystopian futures.

Plenty of self-published works are great - and to find out, why not become one of our Patreon donors, to get yourself a copy of our own Man's Daddy Joke Book? - but some of them... well... they're beyond parody.

These covers, and the accompanying blurb, are 100% genuine: even the one that mentions "flexible yeomen". 

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ESCAPE FROM FREEDOM by Robert Allen Bradford

"Concentration camps in California? It has happened before and could happen again. The time is ten years in the future. Political turmoil and small wars are globally common. Plagues and famine are commonplace. Diseases are prevalent at all levels of society, especially sexually transmitted ones such as AIDS and the variations that have developed from it."

THE GAEAN ENCHANTMENT by T.Jackson King

"The world is going through a Time of Change where science has failed and Gaean earth magic is the new way in which life and survival now work. Oregon archaeologist Thomas and his mage wife Mary embark on a cross-country drive to Virginia to save his three children from the chaos of social breakdown, as national unity disintegrates and local NeoMob or drug Syndicate bosses take over.

​"And Evil incarnate follows them, including a giant leaf monster full of evil from past human sacrifice."

THE FLIGHT OF THE INTREPID MONKEY by Mac Zazski

"In a distant future, Gil Johnson loves his wife, hates his job and has resigned himself to a boring existence of spending his days firing people. Enter Captain Jerod Stanwich, soon to be unemployed garbage ship captain, his daughter Nicole and his crew of misfits. Enjoy an out of this world love story filled with pirates, ugly secretaries, angry housekeepers, Church Librarians, intergalactic cruise ships, flexible yeoman, love, adventure and other oddities."

CHILDREN OF THE LAMBS by John Aalborg

"Internationally published author John Aalborg diverges from his trucker crime series to present a hard-boiled and sometimes erotic novel of a few opportunistic and technically savvy people engaging in lucrative, human trafficking via illegal clone manufacturing. 

"The setting is the Florida Gulf Coast with the clone lab financed and run by a scientist too full of himself to care that he has become a criminal but smart enough to move on to another experiment — a story within the story which begs for a sequel— miniature humans who are brought up without any cultural or religious input."

SON OF THE WIND: THE RIVER RAGES by Clyde Abbot

"An evil cousin and a corrupt Muay Thai boxing promoter attempt to prevent Khit, the bicultural Thai/Scottish hero, from assuming his new title and inheriting a Highland castle, but have to contend with a determined Khit, hell-bent on protecting his lover, brother, and three sons. 

​"Fate drops Khit, the bicultural Thai/Scottish hero, into the Highlands of Scotland when he inherits a title and Highland castle. An evil cousin from his new life and corrupt Muay Thai boxing promoter from his old one plot to eliminate Khit and his family."

SENIOR SEX PARTIES 5 by Sally Hollister

"Helena has a horror of being buggered, but that's what her hubby, Reginald's, boss, Simon, wants at the sex party at the company's annual convention. Reginald hopes for a promotion from his boss if his wife complies but Helena isn't really aware of what awaits her."

THE HUNGER by Doug Dandridge

"Crime boss George Padillas is dying of cancer. His power and money make no difference to the merciless disease. His choices for the afterlife unappealing, Padillas decides that the unlife of a vampire is the best way out."

HIDE AND SEEK by Amy Shojai

"A STALKER hides in plain sight.
A VICTIM faces her worst fear.
AND A DOG seeks the missing - and finds hope."

AMBER INFERNO by Jeanne Barrack

"Princess Rayne has spent her life trying to be the son her father lost, but her feisty, independent, feminine spirit yearns for a different life. A life with the passionate Prince Pentar, but he hardly seems to notice her. So when she's offered a chance to save her world, she agrees, and who should be drafted as her partner in the quest but the impossibly unattainable Pentar."

YOUNG TALES OF THE OLD COSMOS by Rhys Hughes

"A quartet of celestial stories about the troubles and triumphs of the planets, moons, stars and galaxies, all of which turn out to be sentient and sensitive living beings. Yes, the heavenly objects have feelings too and they find life just as bewildering as human beings do.

​"When Pluto is officially demoted from a true planet to a dwarf planet; when the poor moon is infested with clowns; when Betelgeux falls in love with other red giants; when the Milky Way wants to make friends... that's the time they most need our sympathy and support."

HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING by K.R. Columbus

"Alaric is not like other teenagers, he has an unnatural affinity to nature and he is not affected by cold or disease. Sharing similar problems, Ralph; a handicapped teen, becomes his friend and together they try to discover the secret behind his nature, and the amazing reality of where he comes from, all after surviving a terrible tragedy that gave him a vision about a horned man-beast seated on a throne of stone calling him to go back home, claiming to be his real father; The Mountain King."

MOIRA: THE ZORZEN WAR by Lawrence Ambrose

"Moira is thrust from the cozy confines of Earth into the less-than-welcoming arms of Zorzen – a world abounding in hostile alien soldiers and high I.Q. animals that wish to eat her. Seeking help from a tribe of claw-footed, hairy, and horned men who strongly resemble the satyrs of yore, Moira is surprised and appalled to discover that her arrival was predicted by their oracle. A prediction that calls for her to unite their tribes and wage war against the reptilian Zorzen."

TIME SWIRL: A BINKY ADVENTURE by John Pirello

"Binky, a sentient bionic doglike being, is in search of friends when he meets Merlin the Magician and a young King Arthur. Follow him on this fantastic exploration of friendship and magic and meet the first Lord When"

PUSSYVILLE ALA CARTE by Theodore Hayes

"I have lived on Miami Beach for twelve years and I have seen people come and go. These stories are the literary paintings my eyes see."

PART TWO: EVEN MORE ASTONISHING SELF-PUBLISHED BOOKS

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
32 BIZARRE AFRICAN MOVIE POSTERS
11 TERRIFYING FORTUNE TELLER MACHINES
6 BIZARRE JAPANESE ARCADE GAMES