Any kid who grew up in the UK was sold a lie by the Beano. Practical jokes - of the sort wielded by Dennis the Menace in his relentless bullying of the sensitive Walter - rarely worked as they did in print.
Black-eye telescopes, wind-up false teeth, rubber spiders... their use hinged entirely upon the skills of the prankster, and the gullibility of the victim. Rarely was there ever a perfect storm of practical jokery, and typically most pranks fell flat. We speak from bitter experience. Here are 13 classic practical jokes that you'll possibly remember failing with.
Black-eye telescopes, wind-up false teeth, rubber spiders... their use hinged entirely upon the skills of the prankster, and the gullibility of the victim. Rarely was there ever a perfect storm of practical jokery, and typically most pranks fell flat. We speak from bitter experience. Here are 13 classic practical jokes that you'll possibly remember failing with.
13. SNAKE-IN-A-PEANUT CAN
This never really worked because of the lack of nut rattle (you should see a doctor about that etc...), and the fact that the leap-o-snake always came in an unconvincing, generic can. Most male youths of our acquaintance would remove the snake and either pretend it was an Alien chestburster, or some manner of pneumatic phallus. These days you'd get locked up for that. Or be sent for "counselling". And rightly so.
12. HAND BUZZER
In our head this delivered a powerful electric shock - resulting in the victim losing control of his or her legs and bowels. In reality it gave a light buzzing that was the result of a wind-up motor... but rarely when shaking hands with someone. Such was the design of the mechanism that it would generally only be triggered by forcing your hand down on a tabletop or dog's scalp.
11. BLACK FACE SOAP
This would've worked had the blackface-creating element - some sort of black dye powder - been hidden within the soap (and generally revealed as the soap washed away), and not behind a paper sticker of the sort never seen on a bar of soap. Also, the soap bar was always tiny - like a hotel bathroom soap. Kids don't go to hotels, unless they're posh kids, and posh kids can probably afford gold-face soap anyway. Or just ask their butler to beat people up for their shits and giggles.
10. WHOOPEE CUSHION
The inflated nature of the whoopee cushion meant it was impossible to conceal beneath a real sofa cushion without it either being obvious or obstructing the nozzle - which meant that the "REAL Bronx cheer" was either more of a muffled whine, or removed from its hiding place before your maiden aunt could sit on it. Incidentally, has anyone ever looked at the picture on a whoopee cushion, and wondered who drew it? Why is it always the same picture? We'll tell you why: Illuminati reasons.
9. ITCHING POWDER
To be fair, itching powder did work. If anything, it worked a little too well. Mr Biffo took some on a school trip to Wales, and ended up shredding a classmate's back with the stuff, and consequently got into terrible trouble. For itching powder - at least back them - was made from fibreglass. We're assuming that these days they've changed the 'recipe'. Now it's probably just some fluff. It's political correctness gone mad.
8. DOCTOR CRAP-A-LOT'S TEABAG
This appears to be a peculiar thing for doctor to have invented, and "completely harmless" seems to be an equally strange way to sell a product which, it is implied, will make its victims suffer explosive diarrhoea. Talk about mixed messages. However, the few times we used a Doctor Crap-a-Lot Teabag all it ever did was raise suspicion, as we never, generally, made tea for our parents. Except on April Fool's Day, when we'd usually top it up with washing-up liquid. Also: on the one time anybody drunk from one of our cups of Crap-a-Lot's tea, there was no "brew-ha-ha" whatsoever. Doctor Crap-A-Lot should be struck off.
7. FAKE VOMIT
Speaking as connoisseurs, fake vomit used to be far more realistic than it is these days. Now it's all dayglo colours, with chunks of plastic and foam. In the 70s and 80s, the fake vomiteer could arm himself with a convincing-looking puddle that had been produced with care by artisans.
6. FAKE DOG POO
Similarly, fake dog poo isn't what it once was. We don't know what joke manufacturers are feeding their fake dogs these days, but the resultant excreta doesn't really convince. Modern yoots, with their iPads and iWhatsits and their jibber and their jabber, don't know what they're missing. Plus, they probably all illegally download their fake dog poo.
5. FAKE CIGARETTES
Fake cigarettes have never really worked. At the most basic level the fake fag would have some red foil at the tip which, if caught in the correct light, might've looked to an idiot like it was glowing. At the higher end of the market you could get fake cigarettes which emitted a cloud of talc as you puffed upon them. You know: just like real cigarettes don't.
4. NAIL THROUGH FINGER
Yeah, well... how is any kid going to end up doing that? And then bandage it? The only guaranteed way of convincing your mother of a medical emergency was with fake blood - which always worked. Far be it for us to complain, once again, that things were better in the old days, but you can't get proper runny fake blood anymore. It's all this blood gel stuff, which has the consistence of late-stage cold snot, and doesn't drip convincingly. How are you supposed to convince mama that you've got a nose bleed if it isn't running onto your best shirt?
3. SQUIRT RING
"Look at this lovely gold signet ring I've just bought with my pocket money - look at it closer, more closely... look right at it. No - RIGHT AT IT UP CLOSE!" <SQUIRT> "Oh it missed. That's rubbish."
2. SNAPPY GUM
This suffered the same problem as the Snake-in-a-Can in that it never came in realistic packaging. It might've resembled a packet of Wrigley's from a distance, but up close it was pretty apparent - from the way the snapping-stick stuck out, to the name of the brand (always something like "Snappo's Gum" or "Fingerbreakley's Gum", or something) - that accepting the offer was only going to result in the worst sort of pain: finger pain.
1. FLY IN ICECUBE
Y'know what's better than getting a plastic ice cube with a plastic fly in it? Get a real fly, and freeze it in an ice cube. It's not difficult or expensive, and it's infinitely funnier. Plus, if your friend or relation gets a bad bowel disease from the fly, the joke could last for months.
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