Toys! If only we'd kept all our toys in their original packaging, we'd be cleaning up right now, thanks to eBay. And when we say "cleaning up" we mean "making enough money to afford to buy a mop, to wash that putrid filth, whatever it is, off our bedroom floor".
Frankly, toys have never been more popular. Thanks to the invention of irony, you can now get action figures of everyone from Albert Einstein to Sigmund Freud to Steve "Big" Jobs.
Oh, how we all laugh at such unlikely collisions of pop culture. Quick! Let's stick a plastic lobster in a typewriter, and drink some microbrewery craft beer!
Here are 13 action figures and dolls that weren't ever intended to be ironic; they're merely the product of toy company idiots, who thought somebody might actually want to play with them.
13. KEVIN FROM 'HOME ALONE'
Toys based upon the Home Alone movies weren't exactly a surprise, given the popularity of the films. However, this terrifying figure - along with its existential realisation: "HOLY COW! I CAN SCREAM!" - is of particular note. One has to wonder how much play value there is in a figure whose only action feature is to continuously emit a blood-curdling shriek.
12. SAMBA THE DYING AFRICAN
Hats off to French toy company Berchet for its Medicines Sans Frontieres line of non-violent action figures. While we're all for toys that aren't based upon soldiers and killing, we have to admit that there's limited play value in a range of Third World humanitarians.
However, just like war toys, the Medicines Sans Frontieres heroes came with their own adversaries; rather than gun-toting warlords, the bright sparks at Berchet chose generic Africans, centering the range around the war against disease and starvation.
Regrettably, the figure shown here - according to the company's catalogue - was called "Samba". He came with three accessories: a stretcher, a hot water bottle, and dysentry.
However, just like war toys, the Medicines Sans Frontieres heroes came with their own adversaries; rather than gun-toting warlords, the bright sparks at Berchet chose generic Africans, centering the range around the war against disease and starvation.
Regrettably, the figure shown here - according to the company's catalogue - was called "Samba". He came with three accessories: a stretcher, a hot water bottle, and dysentry.
11. JOHN TRAVOLTA
Nowadays, John Travolta's face looks like nothing less than some sticks of liquorice stuck to a crumpled sheet of flypaper. Once upon a time, he was the proverbial "cock o' the walk" - the handsomest heartthrob in all of Old Hollywood Village.
What little girl or boy wouldn't have wanted a doll of John? Especially when it came with "bendable legs" and "movable waist", so they could make their plastic Travolta perform the sort of moves he has since become synonymous with (particularly in massage parlours and cruise ships, allegedly). Why, should John get his sky blue turtleneck dirty, he could even change into the clothes of his close friends, Ken, Donny and Xenu.
What little girl or boy wouldn't have wanted a doll of John? Especially when it came with "bendable legs" and "movable waist", so they could make their plastic Travolta perform the sort of moves he has since become synonymous with (particularly in massage parlours and cruise ships, allegedly). Why, should John get his sky blue turtleneck dirty, he could even change into the clothes of his close friends, Ken, Donny and Xenu.
10. ADOLF HITLER
Admittedly, this doll isn't aimed at children, but that simply makes it more - not less - disturbing. What sort of adult wants a doll of the biggest shitbag of the 20th Century sitting on their shelf? We'll tell you what sort; Hitlerfanz.
What a shame you couldn't also get a figure of his special lady friend Eva, and a bunker playset in which to re-stage their final moments. Though talking of Bunkers...
What a shame you couldn't also get a figure of his special lady friend Eva, and a bunker playset in which to re-stage their final moments. Though talking of Bunkers...
9. ARCHIE BUNKER'S GRANDSON, JOEY STIVIC
British readers may not be particularly familiar with Archie Bunker, a character featured in the 1970s US sitcom, All in the Family. They're likely to be even less familiar with the character of Joey Stivic, Archie's infant grandson.
For some reason, the Ideal Toy Company decided that their Joey Stivic toy was the perfect opportunity to debut "the first anatomically correct male doll". Is that really what All in the Family fans were crying out for from their tie-in merchandise?
For some reason, the Ideal Toy Company decided that their Joey Stivic toy was the perfect opportunity to debut "the first anatomically correct male doll". Is that really what All in the Family fans were crying out for from their tie-in merchandise?
8. DONDY THE CLOWN
Nobody needs a clown action figure, least of all one that looks like Dondy. Look: he comes with a little guitar to batter you to death with while you sleep.
7. CAPTAIN & TENNILLE
You'd be forgiven for failing to remember Captain & Tennille - a husband and wife recording duo, best known for their 1970s hits 'Do That To Me One More Time' and 'Muskrat Love'.
Though they hosted two series of their own TV variety show, we're not sure it's entirely enough to justify the release of dolls based upon them. That'd be akin to releasing a range of figures based upon the presenters of Strictly Come Dancing, or Huw Edwards, or someone.
Though they hosted two series of their own TV variety show, we're not sure it's entirely enough to justify the release of dolls based upon them. That'd be akin to releasing a range of figures based upon the presenters of Strictly Come Dancing, or Huw Edwards, or someone.
6. REDD FOXX
Another huge US 70s star who was virtually unheard of this side of the Atlantic, Redd Foxx was a raunchy stand-up comedian, who later starred in the American version of Steptoe and Son - Stanford and Son. Given his near-the-knuckle comedy, he was a peculiar choice for a child's toy - not least when you consider that squeezing the doll's torso would elicit inexplicable phrases such as (apparently) "Your daddy sat on me"...
5. VANILLA ICE
"This boy is one bad rapper" reads the blurb on the back of the box, and who are we to disagree? Vanilla Ice truly was one bad rapper. And yet, the notorious one-hit wonder was briefly famous enough in the early-90s to get his own fashion doll line.
"Pose him in a hundred dance actions" they proposed - along with photos of three suggested "dance actions": slightly bended knees... right leg lifted... standing normally.
"Pose him in a hundred dance actions" they proposed - along with photos of three suggested "dance actions": slightly bended knees... right leg lifted... standing normally.
4. ISAAC WASHINGTON FROM THE LOVE BOAT
It must've been quite progressive for Mego to release an action figure of a black TV character, back in the 1970s. What a shame that they chose Isaac, nobody's favourite character from the humourous/romantic TV series The Love Boat.
As popular as the show was - running for 9 series between 1977 and 1990 - it's difficult to know quite who would've bought a figure of a bartender best known for his signature "grin-and-point" move, and impressive handlebar moustache.
As popular as the show was - running for 9 series between 1977 and 1990 - it's difficult to know quite who would've bought a figure of a bartender best known for his signature "grin-and-point" move, and impressive handlebar moustache.
3. PIPPA MIDDLETON
Some considerable years on, the tabloid press remain inexplicably infatuated with Pippa Middleton, sister of the so-called Duchess of Cambridge. Her fame seems to hinge entirely upon the fact that it was decided at the wedding that she had a nice bottom. Consequently, it's hard to know whether the audience for this doll is lonely old Royalist women, or lonely old perverts.
2. JAY J. ARMES
Piggybacking the success of the Evil Knievel toy line, Jay J. Armes got his own range of figures and vehicles. Who was Jay J. Armes? According to Wikipedia, he was an "American amputee, private investigator and actor".
His most notable features were his twin prosthetic hands - which he gained after losing his real hands in a botched torpedo-theft, aged 11 (not a lie... unless Armes himself lied about it). These were represented in his toy incarnation by a variety of gadget-style prosthetic attachments, described as "bio-kinetic".
The accessories available as part of the line were a Mobile Investigation Unit - a sort of milk float, with a big hook on the back, for "investigations" and scooping up stolen money - and the C.A.M.P. playset. This was described in the catalogue as "Jay J. Armes' special place". The Centre for Anti-crime and Marksmanship Preparation could only be accessed "through a secret door in JJ's garage... then down a dark flight of stairs... and through another door...".
Among his real-life successes, the not-at-all-ironically-named Armes successfully found the kidnapped son of Marlon Brando. One has to wonder whether he started and ended his search in his "special place".
His most notable features were his twin prosthetic hands - which he gained after losing his real hands in a botched torpedo-theft, aged 11 (not a lie... unless Armes himself lied about it). These were represented in his toy incarnation by a variety of gadget-style prosthetic attachments, described as "bio-kinetic".
The accessories available as part of the line were a Mobile Investigation Unit - a sort of milk float, with a big hook on the back, for "investigations" and scooping up stolen money - and the C.A.M.P. playset. This was described in the catalogue as "Jay J. Armes' special place". The Centre for Anti-crime and Marksmanship Preparation could only be accessed "through a secret door in JJ's garage... then down a dark flight of stairs... and through another door...".
Among his real-life successes, the not-at-all-ironically-named Armes successfully found the kidnapped son of Marlon Brando. One has to wonder whether he started and ended his search in his "special place".
1. RICHIE CUNNINGHAM FROM HAPPY DAYS
To the best of our knowledge, this is the only Ron Howard action figure ever to be made. This Richie Cunningham doll was part of a range of figures which included all the main Happy Days characters, including his father, Mr C from the Shamen, and a waterskiing Fonzie - so that fans could reenact the moment the show famously jumped the shark.
Howard might have gone on to have a long and successful career as a movie director, but it's fair to say that Richie was the least popular character in Happy Days. Yes: even less popular than his mother, Mrs C from the Shamen.
Howard might have gone on to have a long and successful career as a movie director, but it's fair to say that Richie was the least popular character in Happy Days. Yes: even less popular than his mother, Mrs C from the Shamen.
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