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13 BAFFLING HAPPY NEW YEAR CARDS

30/12/2015

4 Comments

 
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So that was that then. 2015. All done and dusted, bar the shouting. What are your plans for the New Year? Are you going to ride The Horror Horse to Funkytown like last year? Or just stay home and get drunk?

Alternatively, you could simply hide in a wardrobe, and send one of these peculiar vintage New Year greetings cards to your friends, loved ones, and optometrists.

13. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS HAPPY NEW YEAR LIKE... THE MOON VOMITING COINS. "HURGGH! HUUURRR!"
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12. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS HAPPY NEW YEAR LIKE... THE WHIMSY MOON, WITH HIS HORN AND HIS AXE.
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11. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS HAPPY NEW YEAR LIKE... A BEETLE REENACTING THE JOHN LEWIS CHRISTMAS AD.
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10. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS HAPPY NEW YEAR LIKE... AN OLD MAN PLAYING STRIP POKER AGAINST A PODGY YOUNG BOY - AND WINNING.
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9. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS HAPPY NEW YEAR LIKE... INEXPERIENCED TODDLER JOCKEYS RIDING BATS.
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8. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS HAPPY NEW YEAR LIKE... A MONKEY POKING HIS DEPRESSED FRIEND WITH SOME STRAW.
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7. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS HAPPY NEW YEAR LIKE... A FULLY CLOTHED CHILD HATCHING FROM AN EGG, WHILE A FLAXEN-HAIRED BOY RIDES A GIANT BIRD.
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6. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS HAPPY NEW YEAR LIKE... SNOGBOTTLES.
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5. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS HAPPY NEW YEAR LIKE... THE HANGOVER FROM HELL - LITERALLY.
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4. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS HAPPY NEW YEAR LIKE... FROGS PLAYING MUSHROOM BOWLING WHILE WEARING CYCLING SHORTS.
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3. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS HAPPY NEW YEAR LIKE... A NAUGHTY BOY BREAKING OLD FATHER TIME'S BACK BY SLEDGING OVER IT.
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2. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS HAPPY NEW YEAR LIKE... A GNOME SMIRKING AT ANOTHER GNOME'S MISFORTUNE.
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1. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS HAPPY NEW YEAR LIKE... WHATEVER THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE - WHILE A CARTOON CROW LOOKS ON.
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FROM THE ARCHIVE:
19 BAFFLING VINTAGE CHRISTMAS CARDS
20 AWFUL VHS VIDEO COVERS
10 DISTURBING POKEMON COSPLAYS
25 HORRIFYING SANTAS THAT YOU WILL WISH YOU HADN'T SEEN

4 Comments
Admiral Spiney O'Sullivan
30/12/2015 04:56:44 pm

I can only assume that these were the result of someone at the greeting card company slowly having a mental breakdown as they try to develop a mascot for new year that equals Santa and the Easter Bunny in terms of marketable inoffensive meaningless. And these were probably the better ones. Just think of the items on that list that got rejected:

"Jones, these are all awful. We can't use these!
Stangus the New Year otter? Brengelf the magic snowman? Twontruff and Blongo the happy new year dog-sledders? Grumpy old St Gingivitus?
Stephen the anthropomorphic clock that slowly ticks away the remaining hours of your life? Shadow the Hedgehog? All garbage! Just put some babies riding bats on the card and we'll try again next year."

Reply
CrispyF
30/12/2015 10:03:09 pm

Frankly, I think any company would be crazy to pass up on the idea of Stangus the New Year Otter. Maybe that one needs forcefully introducing into our New Year routine.

Reply
Admiral Spiney O'Sullivan
31/12/2015 05:06:00 pm

Let us sing the traditional new year carol:

Rejoice in the song of Stangus/
An otter we hold so dear/
He builds a festive winter dam/
At this time every year/
"But otters don't build dams", you say/
"That's beavers, it is clear"/
But that's why Stangus is so great/
Hooray for the new year!

robotattack
5/1/2016 09:28:57 pm

Because nothing says Happy New Year like... OH MY GOD, GET AWAY FROM ME YOU HIDEOUS CREATURE. http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/see_dreams/68572980/1139471/1139471_900.jpg

Reply



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