We've all been there.
Over the years, the reasons given for gaming's biggest folly have included a botched launch, underpowered hardware, the lack of an original Sonic The Hedgehog game, bee reasons, and - most significantly - aggressive competition from the PlayStation.
Whereas the Mega Drive/Genesis had been driven to success by the passionate and confident leadership of Sega of America, the Saturn was kneecapped by internal divisions within Sega.
And yet... does the Saturn really deserve its feeble reputation? Surely it can't have been all smelly? Get a load of this, sweaty: it wasn't', and here are 12 very good reasons why you should give it another chance.
Frankly, whingers, I've got a load of issues with this weird game. Sega tried to position it as the Saturn's Sonic The Hedgehog - but it was too esoteric, too wafty, and the supposedly "gorgeous" graphics that everyone bangs on about were, to my eyes, ill-served by the Saturn's hardware. Too many unstable polygons made it an uncomfortable playing experience.
Whatever. I put it in the list to shut you up. Now let's move on.
I mean, we were all blown away at the time. Oh, how history gets revised...
The sequel fixed most of the graphical issues, and - for my money - was far better, cleaner, and more approachable than the PlayStation's try-hard Tekken ever was.
"Oooh, look at me - I'm all edgy because I've got a leopard's head!"
That doesn't make you edgy, idiot. That makes you a chimera. You're a perversion of nature.
Daytona is nowhere near the disaster that history has it labelled as, but... Sega Rally Championship would receive universal acclaim. It was quite unlike any other driving game, with the handling offering a solid grittiness - all power-slides through mud and that - which was far more satisfying to get to grips with than Ridge Racer's slick but sterile gameplay.
Developed by Treasure - who had squeezed so much juice out of the Mega Drive that its teats ended up looking like discarded johnnies - there was a ton of replay value too, with branching paths, and multiple endings. It was dismissed by some at the time as looking out-of-sorts in a 3D marketplace, but the graphics - 2D or not - are so gorgeous that I wanted to smear my chest across them.
Panzer Dragoon Saga reworked the gameplay and setting into an RPG, with a hybrid real-time/turn-based combat system which succeeded in not entirely betraying the spirit of the series. For my money, it's a better, more cinematic, role-playing experience than Final Fantasy VII.
"Oooh, look at me - I'm all cool because I've got spiky hair and a big sword, and I'm crying!"
Yeah, well I've got a dragon. Dragoon. Who cares?
More importantly, the PlayStation release was the weaker version - adding much fuel to Saturn owners' argument that theirs was the more powerful hardware (I mean, it wasn't - but that didn't stop them making the point... such is the lurid prance twixt brand loyalty and cognitive dissonance).
Sequel Dark Savior built on all that made Landstalker great, but also succeeded in feeling even more like an update on Ultimate's mid-80s isometric games. The platforming and puzzles were a refinement of a classic idea, though audiences were more divided over its introduction of a beat 'em up element to the combat. Regardless, it serves as an example of the diversity of the Saturn's catalogue, and a criminally overlooked gem.
True to Treasure's form, it was also visually stunning - proof that the Saturn was far from the anaemic humiliation that critics had it pegged as. Arguably one of the finest, most diverse, and approachable shoot 'em ups ever.
"Wheee! Look at me, Nintendo! Can I come and play on your Wii? Me trousers fell down in Lidl!"
"Please... please, just close your legs and we'll talk about it."
The two Virtua Cop games - just like Virtua Fighter and Sega Rally - played exactly like their arcade counterparts, helped in no small part by the available Virtua Guns. It's also worth remembering that without the influence of Virtua Cop there would've been no Goldeneye on the N64.
I want this: a cop game where instead of a light gun you get a "light badge", which you flash at bad guys, convincing them to "come quietly".
It suffered a few polygon wobbles, but the lighting effects would once again demonstrate precisely what the Saturn was capable of. And that something was this something: some nice lighting effects.
More importantly, it was a far more accessible game than Yuji Naka's previous Saturn release, the aforementioned inscrutable and frigid Nights, while remaining quite unlike anything else.
Look, you can argue with me about Nights, but in terms of doing what it set out to do - shift hardware in the same way that the original Sonic had - it failed gloriously. I mean, it was like you'd accidentally been cast in Cirque du Soleil when you'd only applied to work on the hotdog stall.
The real joy of the game came through your ability to use items found in your environment as makeshift weapons; almost anything you see can be grabbed and smashed over the head of an enemy. Like many of the Saturn's arcade ports, it was short-lived and a little on the easy side, but it was - once again - a near-flawless conversion.
Though developed concurrently with the PlayStation version, Sega had secured a window of exclusivity for its machine. The one downside is that, by the time it was released on the PlayStation, developer Core Design had fixed many of the glitches that remained in the Saturn version.
Regardless, Tomb Raider arriving on the Saturn first means that Sega should be given more credit for its part in gaming's redefinition as The New Cool.