TOYS! Toyssssssssssssssss! Toys? Toys! Tst. Who didn't love playing with toys when they were kids?
We'll tell you who: joyless idiots who'd walk around with their noses in the air going "God, you're so immature because you play with toys". What's the alternative, sad-face - spending the rest of your life filling out life insurance applications, and talking about curtains and gym memberships, and never again playing? Pffft! We know what we'd rather do.
Unfortunately, not everything that was once considered appropriate for children is still suitable in this era of political correctness and health & safety. Here are 12 kids toys that you wouldn't get away with these days.
We'll tell you who: joyless idiots who'd walk around with their noses in the air going "God, you're so immature because you play with toys". What's the alternative, sad-face - spending the rest of your life filling out life insurance applications, and talking about curtains and gym memberships, and never again playing? Pffft! We know what we'd rather do.
Unfortunately, not everything that was once considered appropriate for children is still suitable in this era of political correctness and health & safety. Here are 12 kids toys that you wouldn't get away with these days.
12. CHINESE MAKE-UP KIT
Anyone got any idea what the red make-up is for? Or for that matter - the black make-up and the brown make-up? We've got a rough idea, but we don't want to say in case we're wrong... Though the red stick does remind us of the halcyon days before our dog was spayed.
11. GILBERT ATOMIC ENERGY LAB
This 1950s science kit was notable for coming with uranium-containing ore samples. It was taken off the market after only a year, apparently due to low sales - and not because it caused genetic mutations in its customers. Gilbert later went on to co-author the opera Pirates of Penzance - which did cause genetic mutations in people.
10. MARY THE HOUSE-WIFE
Look at Mary's face - she appears to be doped-up to the eyeballs on "mother's little helper". Talking of which...
9. LI'L WINKING HERBY HIPPY
"Squeeze his tummy and he winks at you"... presumably because "fully-jointed Herby" has lost the ability to speak, and is trying to communicate through his sluggish eye movements alone. What he's saying is "Please get help - I'm mashed off my tits on Cloudman's hashbrownies and I don't know where my friends are". As inappropriate as that is, consider that today's equivalent would probably be a hipster doll, with "Realistic beard".
8. AM I LIKE FATHER
We'd wager a "yes" on that. Yes... you are just like your father - right down to the congenital heart condition and yellow teeth.
7. GILBERT GLASS BLOWING KIT
Because what parent doesn't feel comfortable with letting their children play with blobs of molten glass?
6. SIXFINGER
It does look like a finger... except for that prominent scrotal sac, which makes it look more like a - well... you know... a weenis. It certainly is an amazing toy, but not for the reasons they intended. Shoots "secret bullet" indeed...
5. MILKY THE MARVELOUS MILKING COW
You can't believe anything the establishment tells you. We recently watched that documentary, Cowspiracy. We dunno whether its aim was to get us to stop eating meat, or stop us from ever supporting environmental charities... but it did a pretty good job in both cases.
Back when we were kids we had to drink lots of milk, because "they" insisted it was natural and good for us, even though it came out of the nips of some farm animal. Now they're telling us to drink less cow's milk, because it actually depletes calcium from your bones, could potentially lead to diabetes, prostate and ovarian cancer, MS, an increase in cholesterol, and acne. If that's true, it turns out that Mrs Thatcher "Milk Snatcher" was actually doing us a favour when she got rid of free school milk. Think about that.
Back when we were kids we had to drink lots of milk, because "they" insisted it was natural and good for us, even though it came out of the nips of some farm animal. Now they're telling us to drink less cow's milk, because it actually depletes calcium from your bones, could potentially lead to diabetes, prostate and ovarian cancer, MS, an increase in cholesterol, and acne. If that's true, it turns out that Mrs Thatcher "Milk Snatcher" was actually doing us a favour when she got rid of free school milk. Think about that.
4. BACKYARD ROLLERCOASTER
The only way this backyard roller coaster is a good idea is if the ride ends at the local accident & emergency department. Which it invariably will. But you know what we mean. Also, look at the speedlines on the boy - if they are to be believed he appears to have just landed on the coaster rails from some other starting point. Slik skillz, blud.
3. THE MYSTO ERECTOR SET
We can't quite believe that there was ever a toy company with a mascot called "The Come Daddy". But, we suppose, if you're going to use him to promote a product, it might as well be The Mysto Erector set. "Well, hello, boys! Mmm... What are you building there, eh? Is it something The Come Daddy might enjoy?".
2. LET'S PLAY AT KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN
This appears to be some sort of bad acid trip... where the Colonel and all his customers are FINGER PUPPETS. We wonder if this toy caused diarrhoea like Mr Biffo's local KFC does. Doesn't stop him eating there, admittedly.
1. DADDY SADDLE
A saddle for your "daddy". We're pretty sure we've seen these for sale in Soho, in much larger sizes...
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