11 reasons why super mario is a terrible role-model

We've established that Mario is a sexist pig - as much an ageing misogynistic lothario as his nemesis Bowser. Sure, Peach rejects his advances in Super Mario Odyssey - but not before she's been chained up, locked inside a giant wedding ring, and dangled from the ceiling. Mario then spends the remainder of the game wandering the universe looking for her. "No means no", Mario.

But this is far from Mario's worst crime. Here are a further ten reasons why Mario is a terrible role-model for our society...

HE USES PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING SUBSTANCES

This is the most obvious and troubling aspect of Mario's many adventures; he consumes the psychotropic fauna of the Mushroom Kingdom to make himself "super", sending him into a sort of 'roid rage during which he goes on a spree of violence and destruction.

Furthermore, the qualities of the "Invincibility Star" are disturbingly similar to the effects of the drug PCP, which is known for giving users "a false sense of strength, power, and invincibility..."

HE'S MOTIVATED BY MATERIAL WEALTH

Of course he is. The main collectible in Mario's adventures are golden coins, sending the questionable message that the acquisition of material wealth will somehow make you happy.

​We are never shown what Mario does with his riches, but - even if he gives it all to charity to offset crippling guilt over the rest of his actions - it doesn't change the fact that if your happiness comes from money then you will never, truly, be happy with yourself. 

HE'S A MURDERER

The inhabitants of the Mushroom Kingdom are many and varied. Some are actively trying to kill Mario. Others - such as the Goombas and Piranha Plants are simply doing their thing until Mario comes along.

All become victims of his wanton and indiscriminate slaughter - whether by stomping their brains out, ripping them out of the ground, smashing them to death with a hammer, or incinerating them. He could, for the most part, simply avoid them, but - as we know - Mario is not someone with an overabundance of morality.

HE EVEN BEATS CHILDREN TO DEATH

In more than one of the instalments of his adventures, Mario is confronted by Bowser's juvenile offspring - the Koopalings and Bowser Jr. Despite the fact they've clearly been lead astray by their patriarch, Mario has never stopped to reason with them, or attempt to help steer them along a more acceptable path. No... because he hates their dad, he just smashes them in the face, or boots them off a high platform - presumably to their deaths.

HE'S A KIDNAPPER

Admittedly, Donkey Kong started it, by abducting Mario's girlfriend Pauline, but this didn't stop Mario seeking revenge by kidnapping DK, thus depriving Donkey Kong Jr of his father. Daddy issues, perchance?

HE'S AN UNLICENSED MEDICAL PRACTICIONER

Mario has had many jobs - carpenter, plumber, Olympic athlete.... which begs the question when exactly did he have time to study for a medical doctorate? Let's guess this: never. This didn't stop him posing as "Dr Mario" to hawk a product called "Megavitamins", which was said to protect the player from "viruses".

​Brain Force Plus, much?

MARIO GOLF

Mario is a keen golfer. Anybody who has ever visited a golf club will tell you that golf club members are the most awful snobs on the planet. I went to one once to try and book it for my daughter's 18th birthday party, and I was ordered to stay on a certain side of the club house, because I was wearing trainers.

Now we understand why Mario always wears those brown leather brogues. God forbid he upsets the other club members, and is ejected from their elitist establishment clique.

HE WAS A JUVENILE DELINQUENT

We all did things as a child that we're not proud of - I once burst a grape in my grandfather's eyes, for example. Mario, though, was out of control.

​Look at the image above, taken from an officially-licensed Mario comic (which also reveals that Mario was born already sporting the beginnings of his trademark moustache); pranking his long-suffering mother by destroying the bathroom taps and launching a jet of - presumably scalding - water into her face.

HE'S A WILLING PART OF THE MILITARY-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX

Mario was a soldier once. Did you know that? No massive surprise, given that Italy used to have conscription for anybody born prior to 1985. However, in Mario: Bomb's Away the character was shown fighting in a war... blowing up enemy combatants with bombs.

​Was his PTSD directly responsible for the many dubious character traits he displays over the course of his subsequent escapades? Frankly, that seems like too easy a get-out...

HE ACCEPTS CANDY FROM STRANGERS

In Mario is Missing a disguised Bowser offers Mario a gift of candy - which Mario gladly accepts. Is this any message to send to children? Making matters worse, his brother - Luigi - even warns him not to take the candy. Clearly, Mario has never been one for listening to sound advice, or following rules.

EVEN GANDHI THINKS HE'S A PSYCHOPATH

Mario meets Mahatma Gandhi during the events of Mario's Time Machine, becoming instrumental in helping India achieve independence. Gandhi rewards Mario's efforts with some advice - to give up his murderous ways, and achieve peace through nonviolent means. Suffice to say, Mario ignores him completely, and goes back to stomping turtles out of their shells.

​What a prick.