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11 reasons why super mario is a terrible role-model

7/11/2017

14 Comments

 
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We've established that Mario is a sexist pig - as much an ageing misogynistic lothario as his nemesis Bowser. Sure, Peach rejects his advances in Super Mario Odyssey - but not before she's been chained up, locked inside a giant wedding ring, and dangled from the ceiling. Mario then spends the remainder of the game wandering the universe looking for her. "No means no", Mario.

But this is far from Mario's worst crime. Here are a further ten reasons why Mario is a terrible role-model for our society...
HE USES PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING SUBSTANCES
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This is the most obvious and troubling aspect of Mario's many adventures; he consumes the psychotropic fauna of the Mushroom Kingdom to make himself "super", sending him into a sort of 'roid rage during which he goes on a spree of violence and destruction.

Furthermore, the qualities of the "Invincibility Star" are disturbingly similar to the effects of the drug PCP, which is known for giving users "a false sense of strength, power, and invincibility..."
HE'S MOTIVATED BY MATERIAL WEALTH
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Of course he is. The main collectible in Mario's adventures are golden coins, sending the questionable message that the acquisition of material wealth will somehow make you happy.

​We are never shown what Mario does with his riches, but - even if he gives it all to charity to offset crippling guilt over the rest of his actions - it doesn't change the fact that if your happiness comes from money then you will never, truly, be happy with yourself. 
HE'S A MURDERER
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The inhabitants of the Mushroom Kingdom are many and varied. Some are actively trying to kill Mario. Others - such as the Goombas and Piranha Plants are simply doing their thing until Mario comes along.

All become victims of his wanton and indiscriminate slaughter - whether by stomping their brains out, ripping them out of the ground, smashing them to death with a hammer, or incinerating them. He could, for the most part, simply avoid them, but - as we know - Mario is not someone with an overabundance of morality.
HE EVEN BEATS CHILDREN TO DEATH
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In more than one of the instalments of his adventures, Mario is confronted by Bowser's juvenile offspring - the Koopalings and Bowser Jr. Despite the fact they've clearly been lead astray by their patriarch, Mario has never stopped to reason with them, or attempt to help steer them along a more acceptable path. No... because he hates their dad, he just smashes them in the face, or boots them off a high platform - presumably to their deaths.
HE'S A KIDNAPPER
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Admittedly, Donkey Kong started it, by abducting Mario's girlfriend Pauline, but this didn't stop Mario seeking revenge by kidnapping DK, thus depriving Donkey Kong Jr of his father. Daddy issues, perchance?
HE'S AN UNLICENSED MEDICAL PRACTICIONER
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Mario has had many jobs - carpenter, plumber, Olympic athlete.... which begs the question when exactly did he have time to study for a medical doctorate? Let's guess this: never. This didn't stop him posing as "Dr Mario" to hawk a product called "Megavitamins", which was said to protect the player from "viruses".

​Brain Force Plus, much?
MARIO GOLF
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Mario is a keen golfer. Anybody who has ever visited a golf club will tell you that golf club members are the most awful snobs on the planet. I went to one once to try and book it for my daughter's 18th birthday party, and I was ordered to stay on a certain side of the club house, because I was wearing trainers.

Now we understand why Mario always wears those brown leather brogues. God forbid he upsets the other club members, and is ejected from their elitist establishment clique.
HE WAS A JUVENILE DELINQUENT
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We all did things as a child that we're not proud of - I once burst a grape in my grandfather's eyes, for example. Mario, though, was out of control.

​Look at the image above, taken from an officially-licensed Mario comic (which also reveals that Mario was born already sporting the beginnings of his trademark moustache); pranking his long-suffering mother by destroying the bathroom taps and launching a jet of - presumably scalding - water into her face.
HE'S A WILLING PART OF THE MILITARY-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX
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Mario was a soldier once. Did you know that? No massive surprise, given that Italy used to have conscription for anybody born prior to 1985. However, in Mario: Bomb's Away the character was shown fighting in a war... blowing up enemy combatants with bombs.

​Was his PTSD directly responsible for the many dubious character traits he displays over the course of his subsequent escapades? Frankly, that seems like too easy a get-out...
HE ACCEPTS CANDY FROM STRANGERS
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In Mario is Missing a disguised Bowser offers Mario a gift of candy - which Mario gladly accepts. Is this any message to send to children? Making matters worse, his brother - Luigi - even warns him not to take the candy. Clearly, Mario has never been one for listening to sound advice, or following rules.
EVEN GANDHI THINKS HE'S A PSYCHOPATH
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Mario meets Mahatma Gandhi during the events of Mario's Time Machine, becoming instrumental in helping India achieve independence. Gandhi rewards Mario's efforts with some advice - to give up his murderous ways, and achieve peace through nonviolent means. Suffice to say, Mario ignores him completely, and goes back to stomping turtles out of their shells.

​What a prick.
14 Comments
Jareth Smith
7/11/2017 11:40:53 am

He's also an extremely aggressive driver - see his performance in Mario Kart. Plus, he's fat. You'd think with all that running about he does he'd be as fit as Amy Williams, but noOOOoooo!

Reply
Da5e
7/11/2017 11:46:22 am

I read somewhere once that he's CONSTANTLY struggling with 'the runs,' too.

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captain_red_dog@hotmail.com
7/11/2017 12:23:24 pm

This article is pure lies from a left wing cuck. The Goombas clearly move towards Mario in a threatening manner and there is footage of gangs of them violently assaulting him if left unchallenged. Mario has every right to stand his ground.

Reply
Spiney O’Marxivan
7/11/2017 12:40:26 pm

As a working class labourer who constantly runs to the defense of an unelected elite, he’s also a class traitor.

Come to think of it, it’s never been established that he’s in a plumbing trade union either. This might explain why half of the plumbers in the kingdom (Wario and Waluigi) hate him.

With this in mind, the end of Odyssey is in fact an excellent commentary on the futility of betraying your roots in the hopes of climbing the socio-economic ladder. Despite risking life and limb for the elite, Mario is refused the chance to enter that echelon of society by marrying up. This is perhaps the most fitting follow-up to Mario 64, in which for his reward for once again betraying the Mushroom Kingdom’s proletariat is to be told “let them eat cake”. No matter how much he hobnobs with the upper crust at tennis and golf tournaments, Mario will never be accepted by his social betters.

Oh Mario, will you ever learn?

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Roy (Stuart N Hardy fan)
7/11/2017 12:50:15 pm

I bet he's not Corgi registered either.

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Nick
7/11/2017 01:02:40 pm

To say nothing of him punching his poor pet dinosaur in the back of the head whenever he wants him to do something

Knob head.

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A Concerned Parent
7/11/2017 01:27:08 pm

This is appalling. I'm beginning to think I need to take responsibility for my kids instead of leaving them to develop their worldview from video games.

But I am quite busy, and there's a new Call of Duty coming out. I'm sure fictional soldiers and internet strangers are suitable role models and babysitters for little Billy. I'm sure I can just blame them and his teacher for any of his failings.

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Kelvin Green link
7/11/2017 07:13:37 pm

He dumped Pauline quick enough as soon as the "Princess" turned up, too, the gold-digging bastard.

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Chris Wyatt
7/11/2017 10:16:45 pm

Have you ever noticed that the Koopa children seem slightly more humanoid than Bowser Jr? It makes you wonder who the mother is.

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Col
7/11/2017 11:17:13 pm

Even his name - Mar 10 - Bin Laden's birthday. And Michael Jackson's.

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James "James" Walker link
8/11/2017 12:08:46 am

I've heard he's a 'Knock off Nigel' and buys knock off DVDs.

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Lewisigi
8/11/2017 10:07:42 am

I have it on good authority Mario is a serial bigamist

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Jareth Smith
8/11/2017 10:32:31 am

Who Toad you that?!






See what I did there? God, I'm clever.

Reply
Waynan The Barbarian
8/11/2017 10:38:24 am

You really should be on Channel 4.




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