11 ITEMS OF TERRIBLE Star Trek MERCHANDISE

CAN YOU SPOT THE "TWO STOOLS"?

Poor old Star Trek. For me, it was always a sad relation to Star Wars. Whereas Star Wars felt scrappy and bonkers and exciting, Star Trek was always far too talky. I mean, I watched it growing up - we all did. Even The Next Generation. And I quite like the JJ Abrams reboot.

But there was always a part of me that found the TV show a bit preachy and worthy. I mean... in The Next Generation one of the main characters was the ship's counsellor, for pity's sake. I didn't want "Claire Rayner in Space"...!

Still, at least the merchandise failed to reflect the touchy-feely tone of the show. In fact, most of it barely reflected the show at all...

SPACE FUN HELMET

This farcical helmet alludes to "space fun" without going into specifics. Alas, we are left to wonder. Alternatively, we could just watch some of the episodes where Spock donned this attractive headgear, with its "flashing light emitter" and "pulsing sonic sound", and... oh... oh. Yes. That never happened.

ASTRO-HELMET

What's an astro-helmet? It's not going to do you any good in space; the bottom half of the face is left uncovered. Also: yellow? Really? That's the spaciest colour you could come up with? Still, at least the lenses are non-shattering. That'll come in handy when the troubled boys attack you in the park for looking like an imbecile.

CLIMB-ACTION TRACTION MIGHTY MIKE ASTRO-TRAIN GIFT SET

This toy has got it all going on, not least in its name. It's a train that's able to pull "a trainload over the tuffest obstacles". It has "2 copters", a mini-robot, and a "treacherous camelback skyway". The one thing it lacks is anything whatsoever to do with Star Trek.

FLYING ROCKET PLANE

Right. Ok. Look... it's not a "rocket" plane - it clearly has a propellor. Also: Star Trek wasn't really known for its propellor-driven planes was it, lads? It was set in space. On a spaceship. Alright, that was that episode where that pilot travelled through time, but we're clutching at straws here.

Also: "It stunts"?!? It stunts what? Growth? Intelligence? Sales of Star Trek merchandise?

SKY DIVING PARACHUTE

Sky Diving didn't appear in Star Trek until the JJ Abrams reboot, so either this toy was uncannily prescient, or an act of profound desperation. I suppose when you inevitably break the strings of the parachute you can use the Captain Kirk figure to stand on the sidelines of your Subbuteo pitch, cheering on his favourite team: Wolverhampton Wanderers.

Here's an interesting fact, that I just got from Wikipedia: when the creator of Subbuteo was denied a trademark to call the game "Hobby", he chose Subbuteo from the Latin name of the Eurasian hobby bird: Falco subbuteo. What a pseudo-intellectual twat.

TRACER GUN

Guns! Yes! They have guns in Star Trek! They're called phasers. You could've made this toy gun look like one of those. What's that you say? You've already got a space gun mould you could use, and kids are stupid and won't notice the difference?

Well get this, idiot - you didn't bank on your lazy, incompetent, penny-pinching, ways to be exposed for everyone to see in 40+ years time did you? Bet you don't feel so smart now, eh, Armand J. Leclerc, founder of Ray Plastic Inc.? That's right - I Googled you and your company. Also, I see that you died in 2001 - probably of guilt and shame.

Leclerc is buried in the Hollywood Memorial Gardens Cemetery (not the one in California - it's in Florida; 3001 N. 72nd Street, Hollywood, FL 33024, USA) if you want to pay him a visit. You could maybe stand at his graveside, waiting for visitors - and then you can tell them exactly what he did.

FLYING U.S.S. ENTERPRISE

Throw it.

It flies like a real spaceship.

No it doesn't...

BINOCULARS

I've always been in equal parts intrigued and disgusted by merchandise which features the name of the show it's based upon. I mean... at a stretch, you could just about pretend that these binoculars are part of the Star Trek universe. But then they go and stencil the words Star and Trek on there, blowing away any chance you had to suspend disbelief. 

Also; what's the point of binoculars anyway? If you want to know what something looks like up close just go over there.

MISSION TO GAMMA VI

This is actually not too bad - in a proto-Masters of the Universe sort of way. But then you realise that this was designed to be part of the Mego Star Trek line, and then you realise it's completely out of scale with the rest of the toys and figures in the range. 

​Still, that "cave glove creature" is terrifying!!!!

KELLOGG'S SUGAR SMACKS

I'm not sure I'd be able to finish a bowl of sugar smacks - which is where "space energy comes from", in case you were wondering where space energy comes from - if somebody was pointing a gun at me. Still... it's all for the mission, I suppose. You know: Mission 271.

COSTUME

Remember that episode when Captain Kirk went mad and put on even more mascara than usual, and ran around wearing an outfit made of bin bags, and Spock and Bones chased him, and he slithered into a vent, and they lit a fire to smoke him out?

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
10 RUBBISH ROBOTS FROM THE EIGHTIES
FULL OF BEANS: 14 TRAUMATISING IMAGES OF MR BEAN MASKS
17 ANIMALS WITH THEIR HEADS STUCK IN THINGS