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11 ITEMS OF TERRIBLE Star Trek MERCHANDISE

19/1/2017

20 Comments

 
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CAN YOU SPOT THE "TWO STOOLS"?
Poor old Star Trek. For me, it was always a sad relation to Star Wars. Whereas Star Wars felt scrappy and bonkers and exciting, Star Trek was always far too talky. I mean, I watched it growing up - we all did. Even The Next Generation. And I quite like the JJ Abrams reboot.

But there was always a part of me that found the TV show a bit preachy and worthy. I mean... in The Next Generation one of the main characters was the ship's counsellor, for pity's sake. I didn't want "Claire Rayner in Space"...!

Still, at least the merchandise failed to reflect the touchy-feely tone of the show. In fact, most of it barely reflected the show at all...
SPACE FUN HELMET
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This farcical helmet alludes to "space fun" without going into specifics. Alas, we are left to wonder. Alternatively, we could just watch some of the episodes where Spock donned this attractive headgear, with its "flashing light emitter" and "pulsing sonic sound", and... oh... oh. Yes. That never happened.
ASTRO-HELMET
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What's an astro-helmet? It's not going to do you any good in space; the bottom half of the face is left uncovered. Also: yellow? Really? That's the spaciest colour you could come up with? Still, at least the lenses are non-shattering. That'll come in handy when the troubled boys attack you in the park for looking like an imbecile.
CLIMB-ACTION TRACTION MIGHTY MIKE ASTRO-TRAIN GIFT SET
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This toy has got it all going on, not least in its name. It's a train that's able to pull "a trainload over the tuffest obstacles". It has "2 copters", a mini-robot, and a "treacherous camelback skyway". The one thing it lacks is anything whatsoever to do with Star Trek.
FLYING ROCKET PLANE
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Right. Ok. Look... it's not a "rocket" plane - it clearly has a propellor. Also: Star Trek wasn't really known for its propellor-driven planes was it, lads? It was set in space. On a spaceship. Alright, that was that episode where that pilot travelled through time, but we're clutching at straws here.

Also: "It stunts"?!? It stunts what? Growth? Intelligence? Sales of Star Trek merchandise?
SKY DIVING PARACHUTE
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Sky Diving didn't appear in Star Trek until the JJ Abrams reboot, so either this toy was uncannily prescient, or an act of profound desperation. I suppose when you inevitably break the strings of the parachute you can use the Captain Kirk figure to stand on the sidelines of your Subbuteo pitch, cheering on his favourite team: Wolverhampton Wanderers.

Here's an interesting fact, that I just got from Wikipedia: when the creator of Subbuteo was denied a trademark to call the game "Hobby", he chose Subbuteo from the Latin name of the Eurasian hobby bird: Falco subbuteo. What a pseudo-intellectual twat.
TRACER GUN
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Guns! Yes! They have guns in Star Trek! They're called phasers. You could've made this toy gun look like one of those. What's that you say? You've already got a space gun mould you could use, and kids are stupid and won't notice the difference?

Well get this, idiot - you didn't bank on your lazy, incompetent, penny-pinching, ways to be exposed for everyone to see in 40+ years time did you? Bet you don't feel so smart now, eh, Armand J. Leclerc, founder of Ray Plastic Inc.? That's right - I Googled you and your company. Also, I see that you died in 2001 - probably of guilt and shame.

Leclerc is buried in the Hollywood Memorial Gardens Cemetery (not the one in California - it's in Florida; 3001 N. 72nd Street, Hollywood, FL 33024, USA) if you want to pay him a visit. You could maybe stand at his graveside, waiting for visitors - and then you can tell them exactly what he did.
FLYING U.S.S. ENTERPRISE
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Throw it.

It flies like a real spaceship.

No it doesn't...
BINOCULARS
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I've always been in equal parts intrigued and disgusted by merchandise which features the name of the show it's based upon. I mean... at a stretch, you could just about pretend that these binoculars are part of the Star Trek universe. But then they go and stencil the words Star and Trek on there, blowing away any chance you had to suspend disbelief. 

Also; what's the point of binoculars anyway? If you want to know what something looks like up close just go over there.
MISSION TO GAMMA VI
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This is actually not too bad - in a proto-Masters of the Universe sort of way. But then you realise that this was designed to be part of the Mego Star Trek line, and then you realise it's completely out of scale with the rest of the toys and figures in the range. 

​Still, that "cave glove creature" is terrifying!!!!
KELLOGG'S SUGAR SMACKS
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I'm not sure I'd be able to finish a bowl of sugar smacks - which is where "space energy comes from", in case you were wondering where space energy comes from - if somebody was pointing a gun at me. Still... it's all for the mission, I suppose. You know: Mission 271.
COSTUME
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Remember that episode when Captain Kirk went mad and put on even more mascara than usual, and ran around wearing an outfit made of bin bags, and Spock and Bones chased him, and he slithered into a vent, and they lit a fire to smoke him out?
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
10 RUBBISH ROBOTS FROM THE EIGHTIES
FULL OF BEANS: 14 TRAUMATISING IMAGES OF MR BEAN MASKS
17 ANIMALS WITH THEIR HEADS STUCK IN THINGS
20 Comments
DEAN
19/1/2017 11:23:20 am

This article finds you in fine fettle, Mr Biffo - very funny stuff.

I thought the best bit about Star Trek was the credits... no, not in a Statler & Waldorf way! I liked the way you saw loads of cool looking stuff and didn't have to wait for the grownups to finish talking. And the music was cool.

But this: "What a pseudo-intellectual twat."
I really liked that bit because... I dunno, it just seemed to resonate with me.... Birds of a feather, I guess!

I also loved the costume - it's like The Shat's 'Dorian Grey thing'.

Reply
DEAN
19/1/2017 12:00:58 pm

/\/\/\/\/\\/\/ SPOILER ALERT ABOUT STOOLS /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

ESRA S'KCOPS & DNAH S'KRIK

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RichardM
19/1/2017 12:22:17 pm

Isn't the point of binoculars to look through the big lenses and see what things look like really small?

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Spiney O'Sullivan
19/1/2017 12:28:19 pm

The planet Gamma IV is obviously a planet of small aliens on which the Enterprise crew are seen as terrifying giants.

No doubt due to quasars or gravity wells or something appropriately science-fictions.

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Jabberwoc
19/1/2017 12:38:17 pm

A stunning piece of journalism, Biffo!

Put a gold star on the chart and have a Cola Cube.

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Mr Biffo
19/1/2017 12:59:53 pm

A Pulitzer will suffice.

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treacle
19/1/2017 03:04:21 pm

You want him to pull it sir?

Gosunkugi
19/1/2017 12:59:46 pm

Now I want to kickstart a fanfilm using these magnificent, series-accurate props. Sadly given CBS' restrictions the thing will only be allocated £5 and be about three minutes long.

If anyone's interested.

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Spiney O'Sullivan
19/1/2017 01:31:06 pm

In my opinion, Star Wars and Star Trek aren't really that comparable despite sharing a word in their name and not being set on earth. Star Trek (at least post-TOS) is basically The West Wing in space (The Wesley Wing?). Star Wars's extended universe is a bit closer to that, but the films are more whiz-bang fun samurai/western/soap operas about magic space-knights. Which isn't to slate them, as I probably enjoy them more on the whole since given the choice between a job as a space navy officer or a magic space knight, I know which I'd at least put my CV in for.

Anyway, up until recently, even when they tried Star Trek didn't do action that well and Star Wars didn't do political or social commentary that well. Look at Nemesis's pointless dune buggy scene and the entirety of episodes 1-3.

(Disclaimer: I thought the Trek reboots were good almost-Star Wars films, but basically rubbish Trek films)

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Alastair
19/1/2017 01:36:10 pm

Tut, all of this was very clearly shown in The Animated Series. Handily all in one episode.

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Nick
19/1/2017 01:43:51 pm

Claire Rayner in space would be flipping awesome.

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Clive Peppard
19/1/2017 01:46:33 pm

Ive got a tri-corder

TAKE THAT SHITTY MERCHANDISE

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Scott C
20/1/2017 12:03:41 am

Mr Biffo, I have a request/suggestion triggered by these recent plastic-themed memories; can we have a feature article on the guff/great things that used to come in cereal boxes; baking soda submarines and dungeons and dragon's holograms come to mind as great things, though looking back I'm not so sure how great they really were? Also, best/worst Kinder Surprise choking hazards (toys).

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Scott C
20/1/2017 12:04:58 am

PS/ please forgive me for my apostrophe sin.

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DEAN
20/1/2017 10:59:04 am

Cereal box toys were hugely significant to me.

Like the rest of you, my breakfast decision was based solely on how cool each offering of a toy was but I had a more pressing concern in my toy selecting. This may be hard for some to digest but I had to eat the toy as well. SPECIAL POWERS reason's (In sympathy with Scott C - that ' is for you, buddy!)

But what was funny was how my mum WHO KNEW FULL WELL that if the cereal wasn't so blasted in sugar that its box should also contain a phial of insulin, that there was no way in hell I'd eat them. But she'd let me have them anyway. Big softy (love you, mum!)

I get the same with my kids now except instead of Frosties it's magazines with names like PONYS, MAKEUP & FRIENDS or BATTLE MOTH IN MEGAZINE FORMAT. Yes, they get them!

Coolest cereal box toy ever was when Nestle put little cards with meteorite flakes stuck to them in their boxes of Shreddies.

I'm sorry about your apostrophe catastrophe. I'd eat one of those twisty colourful snakes with all the joints that make it swing in wildly unpredictable directions if I was you. Good penance that and fun when you're 'passing' it.


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Scott C
20/1/2017 02:34:53 pm

Your kids eat magazines for breakfast? You should definitely ring the NSPCC and ask them if that is an OK thing to allow as a responsible parent.

DEAN
20/1/2017 03:25:16 pm

I'm perplexed how you managed to extrapolate that but I'm willing to work with you.

The toys, staples, bits of tape are all carefully removed (boned) and the pages are shredded ('pulled' pages, if you like).
Then they're (pulled pages) sat in milk and allowed to mulch. After about 7-8 minutes they're (not the kids) ready for consumption.

Sorry, Scott, in my mind that was all going to be so much more fun.
I've let us both down, haven't I...

Tell you what, why don't I try and pick things up a bit by talking about this:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nintendo_Cereal_System

I had that cereal and it was LOVELY. Sweet, artificial-tasting and very nice. Bit like FROOT LOOPS but even more carcinogenicly delicious.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjQtzV9IZ0Q

DEAN
20/1/2017 04:02:38 pm

It was this bit, right?

"instead of Frosties it's magazines"

Fair enough / well played.

Mr Biffo
23/1/2017 08:03:35 am

Cereal box guff? I'll see what I can do.

Reply
Kirk
31/3/2021 03:55:28 pm

I just left a huge captain’s log in the potty.

Reply



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