History is written by the victors, they say. Which is a bit strange, given that we don't recall Simon "Schama" ever winning a war.
Still... when it comes to the console wars, we all know who the big winners and the big losers were.
Who we are less familiar with are the collaterally damaged - the systems that got caught in the crossfire, and were "holed" below the "water line" before they barely pumped off a shot.
This is the story of those forgotten consoles. Though, technically, it's more of a listicle than an actual story. But... y'know. This is 2016, guy. If The Bible had been written today, even God would've included some sort of bossy listicle in it, and called it something like The Top 10 Commandments You Totes Need to Follow, or something like that, but funnier. Whatevs. FML.
Still... when it comes to the console wars, we all know who the big winners and the big losers were.
Who we are less familiar with are the collaterally damaged - the systems that got caught in the crossfire, and were "holed" below the "water line" before they barely pumped off a shot.
This is the story of those forgotten consoles. Though, technically, it's more of a listicle than an actual story. But... y'know. This is 2016, guy. If The Bible had been written today, even God would've included some sort of bossy listicle in it, and called it something like The Top 10 Commandments You Totes Need to Follow, or something like that, but funnier. Whatevs. FML.
11. COLECO TELSTAR ARCADE (1977)
It's hard to be definitive, but we're going to take a punt and say that the Coleco Telstar Arcade "TV game" was the pinnacle of humankind's achievements. Everything since has been downhill - perhaps as a direct result of the Coleco Telstar Arcade's sheer bonkers awesomeness.
Just look at it - a triangular console, with triangular cartridges, with each of the three sides offering a different control system: Pong-type games, racing games, and shooting games. It's like glueing a motorbike on the front of a car, a Portuguese man-o-war onto the roof, and a load of fumes in a jar onto the windscreen.
See, Sony and Microsoft? That's how you make a console. You can stuff your big black slabs... you can STUFF THEM... STUFF THEM RIGHT. UP. YOUR. DIDDY-DUFF.
Just look at it - a triangular console, with triangular cartridges, with each of the three sides offering a different control system: Pong-type games, racing games, and shooting games. It's like glueing a motorbike on the front of a car, a Portuguese man-o-war onto the roof, and a load of fumes in a jar onto the windscreen.
See, Sony and Microsoft? That's how you make a console. You can stuff your big black slabs... you can STUFF THEM... STUFF THEM RIGHT. UP. YOUR. DIDDY-DUFF.
10. EPOCH CASSETTE VISION (1981)
Though only released in Japan, the Epoch Cassette Vision had the tawdry distinction of looking like something you'd find on the set of a low-budget 1970s British sci-fi series; one called something like Bronksy's 14, or Reverend Riddlepants.
Despite its name, however, the games came on ROM cartridges, rather than cassettes. Intriguingly, the controls - just enough for two players - were built into the hardware, and featured 50% of The Beatles... i.e. two twisty knobs, controlling horizontal and vertical movement. If that sounds like a terrible idea to you... well, you would be right in that assumption. Hence its inclusion on this list.
Despite its name, however, the games came on ROM cartridges, rather than cassettes. Intriguingly, the controls - just enough for two players - were built into the hardware, and featured 50% of The Beatles... i.e. two twisty knobs, controlling horizontal and vertical movement. If that sounds like a terrible idea to you... well, you would be right in that assumption. Hence its inclusion on this list.
9. MY VISION (1983)
Another Japan-only release, the MyVision Game System could most charitably be referred to as a "stupid thing". It was a console designed specifically to play video versions of popular Japanese board games. You know: because actually playing a board game is far too much faff in Japan, presumably.
8. BALLY ASTROCADE (1977)
Oddly, the Bally Arcade had a longer lifespan than many more successful machines - it was still on sale as late as 1984. In part, this was due to having considerably more graphics oomph than most of its rivals, and the release of a BASIC language cart, which allowed it to be upgraded into something of a personal computer.
It boasted two built-in games, as well as a calculator and a simple drawing program. The remainder of its software was released on cartridges dubbed "Videocades", while its controller looked like the hold-y bit of a pistol. Doubtless, this increased its popularity among supporters of the NRA.
It boasted two built-in games, as well as a calculator and a simple drawing program. The remainder of its software was released on cartridges dubbed "Videocades", while its controller looked like the hold-y bit of a pistol. Doubtless, this increased its popularity among supporters of the NRA.
7. INTERTON ELECTRONIC VC-4000 (1978)
The snappily-named Interton Electronic VC-4000 was released in Germany only: a country better known for sausages, losing World War Blim, and its funny accents ("Vam! Viff! Vengaboyzzz!") than an ability to create world-shaking games machines.
Though virtually unknown elsewhere in the world, the VC-4000 somehow acquired a library of 40 games - albeit mostly the usual clones of games made popular elsewhere. Also, its controllers looked a bit like the joypad of the Atari Jaguar: another of history's greatest travesties.
Though virtually unknown elsewhere in the world, the VC-4000 somehow acquired a library of 40 games - albeit mostly the usual clones of games made popular elsewhere. Also, its controllers looked a bit like the joypad of the Atari Jaguar: another of history's greatest travesties.
6. EMERSON ARCADIA 2001 (1982)
Following on the heels of the similar-looking ColecoVision, the Arcadia 2001 was withdrawn from sale after just 18 months. Clones of several big arcade hits were due to be released for the system, before Atari began taking legal action against its competitors - quite literally putting "the willies" up the Arcadia's manufacturer.
Consequently, the Arcadia played host to versions of some of the more obscure arcade games of the era, such as Jump Bug (a sort of proto-endless runner game, in which players controlled a constantly bouncing car), and Jungler - a none-too-vague cross between Pac-Man and Centipede.
Consequently, the Arcadia played host to versions of some of the more obscure arcade games of the era, such as Jump Bug (a sort of proto-endless runner game, in which players controlled a constantly bouncing car), and Jungler - a none-too-vague cross between Pac-Man and Centipede.
5. VTECH CREATIVISION (1981)
One of the few manufacturers on this list to still be going - albeit producing educational electronic devices for this planet's spawn - was more a console/computer hybrid than a straight ahead games system. Cleverly, when inserted into the body of the console, the joypads created a basic QWERTY keyboard.
Also, here's an actual excerpt from a CreatiVision ad, that's possibly worth your time: "The serious personal computer you've been waiting for! At last! A total computer system. Right in your own home! Start with a fully functional computer... for the low price of a video game set!"
Also, here's an actual excerpt from a CreatiVision ad, that's possibly worth your time: "The serious personal computer you've been waiting for! At last! A total computer system. Right in your own home! Start with a fully functional computer... for the low price of a video game set!"
4. RCA STUDIO II (1977)
Lasting barely a year, the RCA Studio II was a bona-fide flop, given its stupid built-in controls, and a design which makes it look more like an executive office intercom than a games machine.
"BZZZZT! 007 is here to see you, sir."
"Thank you, Miss Fudgeyfanny... Ah, 007!"
"Hello, M. Look what I can do."
"Cool! You could drive a bus through there!"
Admittedly, it had five built-in games - though one of them was a tedious adding game. Which might sound good, but you try selling anything to kids by promising them extra maths. Consequently, the Studio II doesn't have much of a legacy, but what legacy it does have is this: one of the worst things that ever happened.
"BZZZZT! 007 is here to see you, sir."
"Thank you, Miss Fudgeyfanny... Ah, 007!"
"Hello, M. Look what I can do."
"Cool! You could drive a bus through there!"
Admittedly, it had five built-in games - though one of them was a tedious adding game. Which might sound good, but you try selling anything to kids by promising them extra maths. Consequently, the Studio II doesn't have much of a legacy, but what legacy it does have is this: one of the worst things that ever happened.
3. CASIO PV-1000 (1983)
Who would've thought that Casio made a games console? The PV-1000 (the "PV" stands for "Pivvin Varrd") is one of the most short-lived games machines of all time.
It disappeared from shelves within months, with Casio retooling the hardware as a similarly short-lived personal computer. Intriguingly, the PV's games line-up featured titles which seemed to suggest they were special interest films rather than video games: Excite Mahjong, Naughty Boy, Dirty Chameleon, and "Pooyan". Those titles aren't even made up. Look:
It disappeared from shelves within months, with Casio retooling the hardware as a similarly short-lived personal computer. Intriguingly, the PV's games line-up featured titles which seemed to suggest they were special interest films rather than video games: Excite Mahjong, Naughty Boy, Dirty Chameleon, and "Pooyan". Those titles aren't even made up. Look:
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2. ACTION MAX (1987)
Get this: the Action Max is the only games console to play games via your father's video machine. Sort of. You hooked the machine up to the telly, played the video tapes, and shot at things that appeared on screen using the light gun.
Consequently, the games played out identically every time, with only your score changing. The limited nature of the games - there were only five ever released - pretty much throttled it at birth. Which, like all deformed piglets, is all that it deserved.
Consequently, the games played out identically every time, with only your score changing. The limited nature of the games - there were only five ever released - pretty much throttled it at birth. Which, like all deformed piglets, is all that it deserved.
1. SUPER A'CAN (1995)
A Taiwan-only system, the Super A'Can is included this list for one reason only: it has a slightly funny name. GOODBYE, FROM EVERYONE HERE AT 11 CONSOLES YOU'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF!
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