11 BAFFLINGLY ILL-ADVISED GAME CHARACTERS

We could probably fill this feature entirely with characters from the Zelda franchise, but we've dug deep to find some of the more obscure examples of bewildering game characters - both those who were never a good idea in the first place, those who have since gone all wrong and that, and those who just make our head hurt.

Hark! That sound we hear? 'Tis the clarion call marking the start of the Oddball Parade...

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11. LESTER THE UNLIKELY

Presumably an attempt at creating some sort of audience-identification figure, Lester The Unlikely is clearly meant to be an average, vaguely nerdy, teenage boy (they could've saved a lot of time and money by hanging around outside Electronics Boutique, spitting in customer's faces). Bespectacled, hoody-wearing Lester is a coward, forced to repeatedly overcome his fears across the early stages of his unappealing SNES platformer. However, the first time he confronts the game's enemies, Lester creeps towards them at a snail's pace, trembling with fear. 

Upon receiving his first kiss from a girl held captive by a gorilla - sound familiar? - Lester suddenly turns into some sort of heroic figure. Possibly the first, and only, video game to portray the transformative effect of losing one's virginity. We assume that pity kiss is as far as it went, and Lester spent the rest of his life alone in a bedsit, reliving that one moment of intimacy over and over again as he wept into his Adventure Time duvet.


10. BUBSY THE BOBCAT

Not weird or wrong as such, just depressingly bland. This horrible wretch of a character was an obvious and inspiration-free grab at the Sonic/Mario corporate mascot crown. Unfortunately, Bubsy holds the distinction of being the single most annoying video games character of all time. 

His SNES and Mega Drive/Genesis debut tested players' patience with his witless, pre-level, Daffy Duck-esque pronouncements: "What could possibly go wrong!?". It's remarkable that it took two further terrible games before the clown shoe-footed feline arsehole was driven out of the games market, never to return. Also: look at that cover artwork: he appears to have Master Chief's helmet masquerading as the lower part of his face.


9. COOL SPOT

During the 90s, far too many sneaker-wearing game characters claimed to have "attitude" (in our book, "attitude" translates as "please punch me in the throat"), but the shades-wearing Cool Spot may be the most inexplicable of them all. 

Effectively one long, shameless advert for 7-Up, the eponymous Spot is based on that red circle in the 7-Up logo. It's like releasing a game centred around a golden worm modelled after the McDonalds arches - Rad Worm - or a Pac-Man-esque take on the 'C' in the KFC logo, called C-Dawg. Or something.


8. TOILET KIDS

The titular Toilet Kids in this PC Engine game begin by dropping their pyjama bottoms, and giving a full-frontal bow to the player, before depositing themselves happily on the pan to do a big poo. 

An unforeseen eruption of toilet water sees them being transported to a land of faeces, wherein the deadly fauna are all modelled after perfectly curled excreta. If nothing else, we're left feeling envious that our waste matter never looks quite so perfect, more typically resembling the product of a malfunctioning pipe on a chocolate factory production line.


7. ZEED

Revenge of Shinobi's final boss uses his hair as a weapon - whipping at Shinobi with it, and sending it flying towards him, like a deadly toupee. Like us, it probably reminds you of the Bible, particularly Luke 7: 36 - 50, wherein we hear of how a sinful woman wept on Christ's feet, before wiping them dry with her hair.


6. NINJABREADMAN

It's basically a character based around a pun, innit? We can only assume that the pun came first, as we can't imagine anyone sitting struggling to think of a title for their new ninja-based platformer, starring a gingerbread man, without having first thought of the name. 

Here are some more for you: Hamurai (a beat 'em up featuring a samurai made out of ham), Furderer (a murderer who's covered in downy hair), and Assassin (basically Hitman, but with a pair of buttocks).


5. PIZZA PASTA

Punch Out's Italian stallion is called Pizza Pasta - which we're sure is a common name in Italy, just as common, in fact, as Noodle Soysauce is in China, or Snails Garlic is in France, or Potnoodle Yorkshirepudding is here in the UK.


4.GENERAL CUSTER

General Custer is back - back from the dead on the Atari 2600... and he's got a three-pixel erection. Everyone (including us) who complains about the depiction of women in GTAV needs to remember that things were once far, far worse. Custer - who we're sure is an accurate historical representation of George Armstrong Custer - strides around the Old West in nothing but a pair of cowboy boots, hat and bandana, enacting his revenge on his hated Native American enemies by having sex with their pyramid-breasted women. 

After Custer was pulled from the shelves, developer Mystique followed up the game with Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em - in which a nude man sits atop a building, masturbating onto a pair of women below. A "less sexist" follow-up reversed the roles, featuring a lactating witch atop the building, shooting breast milk at a pair of excited male perverts.


3. WILD WOODY

Talking of woodies... the star of this Mega/Sega CD was a hideously-gurning pencil who threw dynamite at his enemies. There's not really much more to say.


2. LEE HARVEY OSWALD

Yup. That Lee Harvey Oswald. Presidential Assassin or - depending on which side of the conspiracy fence you sit - unwitting patsy. JFK Reloaded was released to coincide with the 40th anniversary of John F Kennedy's assassination, and tried to solve the mystery of his death once and for all. 

By putting the player in the role of Lee Harvey Oswald and getting points for shooting JFK, and trying to make the assassination as close as possible to events detailed in the Warren Commission Report . A prize of $100,000 was offered to anyone who could recreate precisely the official version of events - literally putting a bounty on the head of a dead man.


1. SONIC

Once upon a time, Sonic The Hedgehog was alright. In the early-90s you could get away with a game character having attitude - before they all started having attitude - but as Sonic's games have become progressively worse, so the character himself has become more annoying and desperate.

In his most recent game, he's taken to wearing a neck scarf, and wrapping bandages around his hands and feet. Either this is an irritating stab at making him feel edgy or relevant, or they're to hide the scars of his self-harm, as he wrestles with despair at how far his star has fallen. He's basically the Madonna of video games.

FROM THE ARCHIVE:

• THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: The Fan Movies
  
• MARCH OF THE CRAPSOLES: 10 Console Knock-Offs
  
• FLAPPY BIRD THE MOVIE: Exclusive Script Extract