We do like a bit of dressing up. Actually, that's probably something of an understatement: we're absolutely militant about it. If you're going to a fancy dress party (or "masquerade hoedown", if you live in America), for pity's sake at least put some thought and effort into it.
We'll say this now: when we hold our next party, anyone turning up in a slapdash, store-bought costume will have it ripped from their body, and be lashed about the thighs and hips with a knotted rope.
These are the sorts of terrible, lazy, half-arsed, pseudo-costumes we're talking about.
We'll say this now: when we hold our next party, anyone turning up in a slapdash, store-bought costume will have it ripped from their body, and be lashed about the thighs and hips with a knotted rope.
These are the sorts of terrible, lazy, half-arsed, pseudo-costumes we're talking about.
10. ARCADE MACHINE
Oh we get it. Super Snake. Because penises look like snakes, yeah, and you want people at the party to touch your penis (which you have hidden inside that fake joystick). Firstly, penises don't look like snakes - if you have a penis that resembles a snake (especially a cobra), please see a specialist. Secondly, this is the sort of behaviour you could be arrested for. You might as well stride around the party flinging rohypnol about, in the hope it lands in someone's mouth.
Also, look at his face. It's saying: "What are you looking at me like that for? As if you didn't know my penis was hidden in the joystick. Lighten up a bit". What an awful, awful man/sex pest.
Also, look at his face. It's saying: "What are you looking at me like that for? As if you didn't know my penis was hidden in the joystick. Lighten up a bit". What an awful, awful man/sex pest.
9. SPYRO THE DRAGON
Simultaneously terrible and terrifying, this hissing, four-eyed monstrosity looks like a sort of purple "disco Krampus".
8. BLANKA
There's a reason the Street Fighter series has never favoured photorealistic characters over a heightened cartoon style. And that reason is best summed up by this abomination - from those unsightly egg box tumours on his upper arms and shoulders, to the lopsided abdominal muscles, and those fur-trimmed, brown cycling shorts.
Also, what's with those ankle disc things? Aren't they just rolls of packaging tape? Blanka! Blanka, my friend - you've got rolls of packaging tape on your ankles!
"Raargh?"
Also, what's with those ankle disc things? Aren't they just rolls of packaging tape? Blanka! Blanka, my friend - you've got rolls of packaging tape on your ankles!
"Raargh?"
7. WHACK-A-MOLE
Oh we get it. "Whac-a-Mole". Because penises look like moles, yeah, and you want people at the party to hit your penis with a hammer. And men wonder why women hate them.
6. ANGRY BIRDS STAR WARS
This makes our blood boil. The very epitome of barely trying - and the way that man has thrown his arms wide, as if to say "What? C'mon. At least I showed up", suggests he knows it. It's the sort of costume worn by people who make a big fuss about having to wear a costume. "I just don't see the point. Why do we all have to wear costumes? Wah wah wah. I'm a big baby".
It doesn't even make sense as a concept: you might as well stuff yourself inside a giant cut-out of Bill Murray's head. "Look - I'm here as Bill Murray... Isn't that enough?".
It doesn't even make sense as a concept: you might as well stuff yourself inside a giant cut-out of Bill Murray's head. "Look - I'm here as Bill Murray... Isn't that enough?".
5. SONIC
Oh, Sonic. What happened? You were once so fast, so lithe - now you're reduced to slobbing around the house in your sweatpants and slippers. And what's with the crossed eyes? Is it, as we suspect, that you've got brain damage from all those years spent cracking your skull on televisions to get at the shiny, shiny rings inside? It's time to face the truth we've all shied away from: you're basically video gaming's very own Gollum.
4. TETRIS
We actually don't mind this in theory. Unfortunately, in practice it looks like a bunch of parents have crawled into the Wacky Warehouse climbing gym to retrieve their children, and got themselves stuck. Also, this only works as part of a group: rock up to a party alone in one of these costumes, and you'll just look like a mental, and be asked to sit in the corner on your own.
3. "SEXY" SUPER MARIO & LUIGI
No. Just... no. Not sexy. Collectively, these four look more like the presenters of a Cbeebies show. Well, except for the one on the left, who looks like a someone you'd be more likely to find peering through a hole in a nudist camp fence, during a bawdy 1970s "sex" "comedy".
2. TOAD
It's little wonder that the model in this photograph looks like he's about to burst into tears. We can think of few greater indignities than forcing a 6'2" model into a child's costume, but let's just remind ourselves what Toad looks like, shall we?
Well. That sort of speaks for itself.
1. MASTER CHIEF
Master Chief is the ultimate heroic archetype. This supposed "Master Chief" costume? PJs and work shoes is all we can say. No wonder he's going "Huh?!".
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