I've decided that, after first-person shoot 'em ups, my second favourite genre of game is the side-scrolling beat 'em up. If you think about it, the two genres have a lot in common, despite the differing perspectives; the waves of easily-dispatched enemies, climactic boss fights, the power-ups found randomly strewn around the stages...
However, whereas first-person shooters can come in all shapes and sizes - a seemingly infinitely flexible format - it seems that the traditional side-scrolling fighting game must adhere to a number of weird rules in order to be accepted into the club. It doesn't matter whether the games are set on the mean streets of a neon-lit city, Ancient Egypt, or some fantasy realm... it's probably the least diverse "genus" in gaming history.
And here? Here are those boxes which must be ticked.
GO!!!!!
However, whereas first-person shooters can come in all shapes and sizes - a seemingly infinitely flexible format - it seems that the traditional side-scrolling fighting game must adhere to a number of weird rules in order to be accepted into the club. It doesn't matter whether the games are set on the mean streets of a neon-lit city, Ancient Egypt, or some fantasy realm... it's probably the least diverse "genus" in gaming history.
And here? Here are those boxes which must be ticked.
GO!!!!!
EATING FOOD YOU FIND IN THE STREET IS OKAY
Many years ago, following a night on the brownest of ales, I bought an emergency Chicken Royale from Burger King. And then I dropped it on the ground at a bus stop. Accidentally, of course; I wasn't conducting some sort of gravity experiment. I'm not Sir Isaac Newton!!!!!
No. Just a young drunk man.
The entire thing fell apart, but I promptly gathered up the constituent parts, put them back together, and carried on eating. If there is one thing scrolling beat 'em ups have told me it's that there is nothing wrong with this. There is no way that a filthy bus stop pavement could've given me any sort of awful illness. If anything, I became stronger after eating my floorburger.
Furthermore, if you destroy street furniture - benches, telephone booths, a charity box in the shape of a blind boy - you might find all manner of edible, health-restoring treats within... anything from a juicy red apple on a plate, to a still-warm roast chicken, to a half-eaten bar of chocolate.
Why else do you think tramps are the most powerful guys on the streets?
No. Just a young drunk man.
The entire thing fell apart, but I promptly gathered up the constituent parts, put them back together, and carried on eating. If there is one thing scrolling beat 'em ups have told me it's that there is nothing wrong with this. There is no way that a filthy bus stop pavement could've given me any sort of awful illness. If anything, I became stronger after eating my floorburger.
Furthermore, if you destroy street furniture - benches, telephone booths, a charity box in the shape of a blind boy - you might find all manner of edible, health-restoring treats within... anything from a juicy red apple on a plate, to a still-warm roast chicken, to a half-eaten bar of chocolate.
Why else do you think tramps are the most powerful guys on the streets?
THE WEIRD ENEMY NAMES
Sega's Streets of Rage has enemies called Bruce, Falcon and Jack... it also has enemies called Bongo, P, Old Man, Y. Signal, Dr Dahm, Bronz, and Vehelits. Final Fight has Two P, Wong Who, and Sodom, while Brawl Brothers has J-Worker, Fnord and Led Hed.
And while we're at it, why do so many enemy gang members wear matching outfits? In Double Dragon, you're assault repeatedly by a number of identically-dressed men called Williams.
And while we're at it, why do so many enemy gang members wear matching outfits? In Double Dragon, you're assault repeatedly by a number of identically-dressed men called Williams.
KNIFE GUYS
What is the best strategy for attacking somebody with a knife? Slashing it at their body, probably, keeping them - and your weapon - as far away as possible from your soft tummy meat. Or, if you're a coward, sneaking up behind them and plunging it in-between their shoulder blades.
Not in the scrolling beat 'em up book of combat. Every single one of these games features a little hunched-over guy who will rush at you with his arm hooked into his body at 45-degrees, knife held out in front of him. He will then attempt to run the blade into you quickly, before rushing off-screen.
If you manage to get a punch in, he might drop the knife, at which point you can jab it at your enemies until - four or five jabs later - it starts to break. Only then can you fling it at their waist, in a perfectly horizontal trajectory.
Not in the scrolling beat 'em up book of combat. Every single one of these games features a little hunched-over guy who will rush at you with his arm hooked into his body at 45-degrees, knife held out in front of him. He will then attempt to run the blade into you quickly, before rushing off-screen.
If you manage to get a punch in, he might drop the knife, at which point you can jab it at your enemies until - four or five jabs later - it starts to break. Only then can you fling it at their waist, in a perfectly horizontal trajectory.
EVERYONE LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE DRESSED FOR A NIGHT AT G.A.Y.
It doesn't matter whether it's Streets of Rage or Golden Axe, rather than wear protective clothing, the characters in scrolling beat 'em ups all look like they've dressed for a long night of sexually suggestive clubbing; leather harnesses and trousers, tiny skirts and heels, fishnets, leather caps...
Maybe their strategy is to distract their opponents. Certainly, if some fellow approached me topless save for a network of leather straps across his torso, his fists clenched, I might indeed be more inclined to flee rather than fight.
Get this: I've been to G.A.Y. a couple of times. What did I wear?
A smile...
Maybe their strategy is to distract their opponents. Certainly, if some fellow approached me topless save for a network of leather straps across his torso, his fists clenched, I might indeed be more inclined to flee rather than fight.
Get this: I've been to G.A.Y. a couple of times. What did I wear?
A smile...
ELEVATOR STAGE
Without exception, every single urban-based scrolling beat 'em up MUST feature a stage set on a huge elevator platform, which stops occasionally to allow new bad guys to come aboard. Presumably, these sorts of giant elevators must exist in the real world... but I can't say I've ever seen one on the side of a tower block.
FAT RUNNING MEN
You wouldn't think it was the best idea to hire the morbidly obese as part of your security team, but it's okay: if there's one thing fat people are good at, it's running into people and knocking them over. Also: jumping high into the air and belly-flopping onto you, and gripping you between their thighs, spinning around, and smashing your head into the ground.
This is a skill which all overweight people possess, so think about that next time you call me a fat George Michael.
This is a skill which all overweight people possess, so think about that next time you call me a fat George Michael.
PIPES AND KNIVES
Pipes and little knives are the default melee weapon in scrolling beat 'em ups (and, to a lesser extent, katanas). Why are there so many pipes just lying around the streets? What has happened to the plumbing in these places, that they're falling off of buildings? Was there some sort of accidental over-production of pipework, leading to a huge surplus?
SUBWAY TRAIN
A scrolling beat 'em up must feature a brawl on an underground train. Where are the transport police? Same place they are on the London Underground; nowhere to be seen.
OIL DRUMS
How often do you see metal barrels, towers of tyres, and wooden crates just left on the streets? Maybe it's different overseas, but here in the UK it would be very rare to see any of these things just dotted around. If somebody made a beat 'em up set in the average British town, the pavements would be littered with old mattresses, KFC cartons, and office chairs affixed with a note reading "FREE, PLEASE HELP YOURSELF".
DOMINATRIX
It's a fact: female combatants in scrolling beat 'em ups must wear the minimum of clothing, and be armed with moves and weaponry which could double-up as tools of the trade for a dominatrix. Typically, they will approach you in pairs, and often display some manner of electro-shock attack.
I don't want to judge anybody for their proclivities, but... well... if your thing is being suffocated inside a tight rubber suit with an inflatable hood, while somebody dressed as a sort of latex elephant beats your buttocks with a cattleprod, then surely something's gone a bit wrong there hasn't it?
More to the point, why would you employ any of these women to be part of your gang? What if your opponent starts to enjoy it?
I don't want to judge anybody for their proclivities, but... well... if your thing is being suffocated inside a tight rubber suit with an inflatable hood, while somebody dressed as a sort of latex elephant beats your buttocks with a cattleprod, then surely something's gone a bit wrong there hasn't it?
More to the point, why would you employ any of these women to be part of your gang? What if your opponent starts to enjoy it?
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