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10 WEIRD RULES FOR EVERY SCROLLING BEAT 'EM UP

11/4/2018

25 Comments

 
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I've decided that, after first-person shoot 'em ups, my second favourite genre of game is the side-scrolling beat 'em up. If you think about it, the two genres have a lot in common, despite the differing perspectives; the waves of easily-dispatched enemies, climactic boss fights, the power-ups found randomly strewn around the stages...

However, whereas first-person shooters can come in all shapes and sizes - a seemingly infinitely flexible format - it seems that the traditional side-scrolling fighting game must adhere to a number of weird rules in order to be accepted into the club. It doesn't matter whether the games are set on the mean streets of a neon-lit city, Ancient Egypt, or some fantasy realm... it's probably the least diverse "genus" in gaming history.

​And here? Here are those boxes which must be ticked.

​GO!!!!!
EATING FOOD YOU FIND IN THE STREET IS OKAY
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Many years ago, following a night on the brownest of ales, I bought an emergency Chicken Royale from Burger King. And then I dropped it on the ground at a bus stop. Accidentally, of course; I wasn't conducting some sort of gravity experiment. I'm not Sir Isaac Newton!!!!!

No. Just a young drunk man.

The entire thing fell apart, but I promptly gathered up the constituent parts, put them back together, and carried on eating. If there is one thing scrolling beat 'em ups have told me it's that there is nothing wrong with this. There is no way that a filthy bus stop pavement could've given me any sort of awful illness. If anything, I became stronger after eating my floorburger.

Furthermore, if you destroy street furniture - benches, telephone booths, a charity box in the shape of a blind boy - you might find all manner of edible, health-restoring treats within... anything from a juicy red apple on a plate, to a still-warm roast chicken, to a half-eaten bar of chocolate.

​Why else do you think tramps are the most powerful guys on the streets?
THE WEIRD ENEMY NAMES
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Sega's Streets of Rage has enemies called Bruce, Falcon and Jack... it also has enemies called Bongo, P, Old Man, Y. Signal, Dr Dahm, Bronz, and Vehelits. Final Fight has Two P, Wong Who, and Sodom, while Brawl Brothers has J-Worker, Fnord and Led Hed.

And while we're at it, why do so many enemy gang members wear matching outfits? In Double Dragon, you're assault repeatedly by a number of identically-dressed men called Williams.  
KNIFE GUYS
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What is the best strategy for attacking somebody with a knife? Slashing it at their body, probably, keeping them - and your weapon - as far away as possible from your soft tummy meat. Or, if you're a coward, sneaking up behind them and plunging it in-between their shoulder blades. 

Not in the scrolling beat 'em up book of combat. Every single one of these games features a little hunched-over guy who will rush at you with his arm hooked into his body at 45-degrees, knife held out in front of him. He will then attempt to run the blade into you quickly, before rushing off-screen.

If you manage to get a punch in, he might drop the knife, at which point you can jab it at your enemies until - four or five jabs later - it starts to break. Only then can you fling it at their waist, in a perfectly horizontal trajectory.
EVERYONE LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE DRESSED FOR A NIGHT AT G.A.Y.
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It doesn't matter whether it's Streets of Rage or Golden Axe, rather than wear protective clothing, the characters in scrolling beat 'em ups all look like they've dressed for a long night of sexually suggestive clubbing; leather harnesses and trousers, tiny skirts and heels, fishnets, leather caps...

Maybe their strategy is to distract their opponents. Certainly, if some fellow approached me topless save for a network of leather straps across his torso, his fists clenched, I might indeed be more inclined to flee rather than fight. 

Get this: I've been to G.A.Y. a couple of times. What did I wear?

A smile...
ELEVATOR STAGE
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Without exception, every single urban-based scrolling beat 'em up MUST feature a stage set on a huge elevator platform, which stops occasionally to allow new bad guys to come aboard. Presumably, these sorts of giant elevators must exist in the real world... but I can't say I've ever seen one on the side of a tower block. 
FAT RUNNING MEN
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You wouldn't think it was the best idea to hire the morbidly obese as part of your security team, but it's okay: if there's one thing fat people are good at, it's running into people and knocking them over. Also: jumping high into the air and belly-flopping onto you, and gripping you between their thighs, spinning around, and smashing your head into the ground.

This is a skill which all overweight people possess, so think about that next time you call me a fat George Michael.  
PIPES AND KNIVES
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Pipes and little knives are the default melee weapon in scrolling beat 'em ups (and, to a lesser extent, katanas). Why are there so many pipes just lying around the streets? What has happened to the plumbing in these places, that they're falling off of buildings? Was there some sort of accidental over-production of pipework, leading to a huge surplus? 
SUBWAY TRAIN
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A scrolling beat 'em up must feature a brawl on an underground train. Where are the transport police? Same place they are on the London Underground; nowhere to be seen.
OIL DRUMS
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How often do you see metal barrels, towers of tyres, and wooden crates just left on the streets? Maybe it's different overseas, but here in the UK it would be very rare to see any of these things just dotted around. If somebody made a beat 'em up set in the average British town, the pavements would be littered with old mattresses, KFC cartons, and office chairs affixed with a note reading "FREE, PLEASE HELP YOURSELF".
DOMINATRIX
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It's a fact: female combatants in scrolling beat 'em ups must wear the minimum of clothing, and be armed with moves and weaponry which could double-up as tools of the trade for a dominatrix. Typically, they will approach you in pairs, and often display some manner of electro-shock attack.

I don't want to judge anybody for their proclivities, but... well... if your thing is being suffocated inside a tight rubber suit with an inflatable hood, while somebody dressed as a sort of latex elephant beats your buttocks with a cattleprod, then surely something's gone a bit wrong there hasn't it?

More to the point, why would you employ any of these women to be part of your gang? What if your opponent starts to enjoy it?
25 Comments
Clive peppard
11/4/2018 09:39:32 am

There’s one of those lifts near the Trafford centre. Never seen any fights on it mind..

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Nick
11/4/2018 09:46:18 am

Nothing has gone wrong.

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RichardM
11/4/2018 09:50:23 am

I always had the perception that the pipe was the best weapon in Streets of Rage, in terms of damage potential. I have no idea if this is correct or not. Can anyone prove me wrong?

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Andrew B
11/4/2018 10:05:20 am

I don't have any stats for you but it definitely had the best sound!

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combat_honey
11/4/2018 10:25:13 am

"vwoo...ker!"

Biscuits
11/4/2018 11:59:47 am

Not to stir up the hornet's nest, but personally I would go for 'woch-pccchk!'

James of the North
11/4/2018 10:33:49 am

It makes the best noise, and that's all that matters.

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Dave
11/4/2018 10:38:38 am

I think the katana dealt more damage, but "degraded" quicker.

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RichardM
11/4/2018 10:26:16 pm

Agreed on best sound. Funny I can’t find stats, not on GameFAQs even. Maybe it doesn’t really matter!

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Larry Bundy Jr link
11/4/2018 09:59:27 am

Only the final boss is allowed to carry a gun in the entire gang.

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combat_honey
11/4/2018 10:23:18 am

"Every single one of these games features a little hunched-over guy who will rush at you with his arm hooked into his body at 45-degrees, knife held out in front of him. He will then attempt to run the blade into you quickly, before rushing off-screen."

My friends and I christened this type of enemy as 'the trundle', after the way they moved. "Watch out! A trundle just went by and he'll be back any moment!".

Anyway, like you, Biffo, I loved side-scrolling beat-em-ups. I always vastly preferred them to one-on-one beat-em-ups and I've always resented the fact that side-scrolling beat-em-ups died off while one-on-one fighters persist to this day (adding yet more layers upon layers of alienating complexity).

I suppose side-scrollers do have some sort of modern equivalent in the likes of God of War and Devil May Cry, but it's just not the same.

Another sore point: The Punisher game (pictured above in the 'Fat Running Man' section) is probably the white whale of my gaming life. I played it a handful of times in the Quasar at Barry Island and would kill for some sort of re-release (even though it would no doubt feel crap by today's standards).

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Meatballs-me-branch-me-do
11/4/2018 01:17:24 pm

Oh god, the “trundle” has, along with the morbidly obese one, got me trying to contain laughter in the form of a maniacal smirk on a crowded subway train.

I hope some punks, a circus strongman, an 80s-style hooker and a trundle don’t get up to attack me, as there’s no oil drums on this train to smash open for chicken.

They’d need to be masters of the one-inch punch from Kill Bill, it’s too crowded to trundle in here.

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Col. Asdasd
11/4/2018 02:02:23 pm

The side srolling beat em up lives on, but it moved from an 80s urbspolitation aesthetic to floppy anime gazongas. Yer Codes of Princess, Odin Spheres, and Dragon Crowns and so on are the staple now.

My favourite was always River City Rumble. It's 'wield anything' mechanic (falling foes included) led to some ludicrously entertaining scraps before 'emergent gameplay' were even words on Harvey Smith's baby-lips.

BARF!!!

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Col. Asdasd
11/4/2018 02:04:19 pm

Er, River City Ransom, obviously. By way of penance I'll throw a tire into the nearest wall and be flattened by the rebound.

Dave
11/4/2018 10:43:46 am

You can also only use your 'special move' a limited number of times before it runs out, or it bizarrely takes away some of your own health. Clearly doing a slightly-better-than-normal uppercut a few times leaves you too knackered to complete the rest of your quest.

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Reversible Sedgewick
11/4/2018 11:03:36 am

If you die, and you still have lives left, you will return by descending from the heavens.

Moreover, everyone on the screen will immediately fall down when you arrive. Anything else would be unseemly.

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PauJoMiln
11/4/2018 12:17:41 pm

Playing Sengoku 3 recently, was frustrated by the train whooshing past on the subway level, leaving me to fight on the tracks and robbing me of the sweet 'click' in my head from getting to brawl inside the carriages. Nightmare.

Scrolling beat-em ups are amazing,cannae beat going Haggar, grabbing a toughguy, wandering about a bit with them, then doing a gnarly jumping slam.

Shame most modern attempts at this kind of game are by indie games folk and as such fall prey to attempts at Internet 'cake is a lie' Humour and zaniness, but I suppose they have to get people to buy the things somehow.

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Eean
11/4/2018 12:24:34 pm

What about flying kicks man?
The best kick ever - aside from the "Laruso Emu Foot". Don't seem to lend themselves to 'real life' too well though.

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Mrtankthreat
11/4/2018 01:06:31 pm

Couldn't agree more. Eating food off the ground can only be net positive. It surely boosts the immune system. In fact I've gone as far as eating food out of the bin. Never understood why George Costanza got so much stick for it.

One time, a guy in work put a half finished bag of chips in the bin. I thought that was a waste so I took em out and started eating them. One of girls came over and had one. Then she wondered where I got them from and I told her and she almost puked on the spot.

What was the big deal? They weren't really in the bin, more on top of it. Plus they were wrapped in the bag. Only the outside of the bag came in contact with anything else in the bin. And guess what. Everything else in the bin was fine before it went in the bin. It wasn't how like a household bin with food scraps and all, it was pretty much just empty wrappers. How does the action of putting it in the bin make it dirty all of a sudden?

Another time, after straining the water from some spaghetti I had a bit of a brain fart and accidentally dumped the spaghetti in the bin instead on my plate. It was bit more disgusting than the chip incident because it came in contact with the bin contents and there was stuff in there I wouldn't eat but I couldn't let it go to waste so scooped it back out, gave it a bit of a rinse and wahey. Good to go.

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Dominic
11/4/2018 09:40:17 pm

You sir, are my new favourite person!

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MENTALIST
11/4/2018 01:09:17 pm

Aside from your Devils May Cry, Ninjas Gaiden and Bayonettae, a comment in an article a while ago tipped me off that the Skylanders games are actually modern scrolling beat-em-ups. Despite the fact that many of the characters have short-range missile attacks, the play style is pretty much the same as your 1990 Simpsons arcade machine and such.

A lot of people seem to assume they are platform games, but the main gameplay loop is to walk through an environment killing minions before a boss fight. It's only some distance through the series that they even added a jump button.

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Starbuck
12/4/2018 10:11:01 pm

I was going to comment on the srtiart but have now seen this. I must say that I love Skylanders, for these reasons and more. Solid videogame. The only consolation for my son deciding he's grown out of it is that they didn't release one this time round.

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Scott C
11/4/2018 04:01:58 pm

The weirdest rule in every scrolling beat'em up to me is the need to be aligned almost perfectly parallel with an enemy to be able to land hits. Sooo... frustrating.

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Elastic bandit
11/4/2018 09:51:59 pm

Excellent article and comments :D

Also, bonus, reminded me of the brilliant https://youtu.be/RaaZsBxWeiQ

Reply
Korekutaa
24/7/2018 03:38:26 am

Kingpin isn't fat.

It's all muscle, it just -looks- like fat. Get your facts straight.

Reply



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