For years now, the games we play at home have been able to offer thrills which eclipse those offered by the arcades.
Nevertheless, should the games companies ever wish to lure people out of their hovels, and back into their sticky-carpeted, flea-invested, sub-sub-sub-Vegas, neon hellcaves, might we suggest that they look to the past for inspiration?
Here are ten weird arcade games that offer a mix of the surreal, the surreally mundane, and the utterly pointless...
Nevertheless, should the games companies ever wish to lure people out of their hovels, and back into their sticky-carpeted, flea-invested, sub-sub-sub-Vegas, neon hellcaves, might we suggest that they look to the past for inspiration?
Here are ten weird arcade games that offer a mix of the surreal, the surreally mundane, and the utterly pointless...
10. PULIRULA
Well, hell-oh! NAMCO's demented beat 'em up PuLiRuLa was censored when it journeyed to the west. The level pictured above - which featured a rampantly suggestive, pink elephant-disgorging, doorway, twixt pair of red-stocking-ed thighs - was heavily edited.
Why was such a thing ever in the game in the first place? What exactly was the context? The game's English translation explains thusly: "A bad man appeared and stole the time key to stop the time flow".
The saucy entrance may have gone from the Japanese version, but plenty of other oddness remained intact. These pictures tell the rest of the story...
Why was such a thing ever in the game in the first place? What exactly was the context? The game's English translation explains thusly: "A bad man appeared and stole the time key to stop the time flow".
The saucy entrance may have gone from the Japanese version, but plenty of other oddness remained intact. These pictures tell the rest of the story...
That's probably enough of that.
9. AMUSEMENT WASHING MACHINE (TAIWAN)
Sadly, not a commercially available game, the Amusement Washing Machine was devised by a Taiwanese student, who wanted to make better use of what he believed were his otherwise redundant gaming skills.
You see, succeeding at the game results in a reduced fee for using the washing machine component of the unit. We're not entirely sure what the big wheel is about, mind. Perhaps he was doing a Phd in fannying around on a yacht.
You see, succeeding at the game results in a reduced fee for using the washing machine component of the unit. We're not entirely sure what the big wheel is about, mind. Perhaps he was doing a Phd in fannying around on a yacht.
8. TURNIP STRENGTH TESTER (SOVIET UNION)
Once upon a time, citizens of the Soviet Union were stereotyped as either shaven-headed brutes, swigging vodka and eating turnips, or little old women in headscarves and wellington boots, wandering around with chickens under their arms.
Unfortunately, this ancient Soviet arcade strength tester does little to dispel the stereotype, as it simulates the physical effort required to pull a giant turnip out of the ground.
Interestingly, Digitiser2000's Mr Biffo once visited former Soviet country of Ukraine, and lost count of how many little old women in headscarves and wellington boots, wandering around with chickens under their arms, he saw. And before you say anything, that's not even racist; that's just how he saw it (through his racist eyes).
Unfortunately, this ancient Soviet arcade strength tester does little to dispel the stereotype, as it simulates the physical effort required to pull a giant turnip out of the ground.
Interestingly, Digitiser2000's Mr Biffo once visited former Soviet country of Ukraine, and lost count of how many little old women in headscarves and wellington boots, wandering around with chickens under their arms, he saw. And before you say anything, that's not even racist; that's just how he saw it (through his racist eyes).
7. UDDERLY TICKETS (USA)
Yes. Yes, that's right: Sega made a cow-milking game called - inexplicably - "Udderly Tickets" (alright, it disgorged tickets if you successfully massaged the cow's teats, but still...). Given the sort of macho fodder that usually makes up the arcades, we can't imagine it was ever much of a - oh-hoh! - cash cow for Sega.
Around the same time, Sega released another ticket-dispensing game called Cut The Cheese, in which players had to roll coins into a lavatory bowl... which proves to be an apt metaphor for the company's fortunes in recent times.
Around the same time, Sega released another ticket-dispensing game called Cut The Cheese, in which players had to roll coins into a lavatory bowl... which proves to be an apt metaphor for the company's fortunes in recent times.
6. HEAT UP HOCKEY
We've all tried to break an opponent's fingers while playing air hockey. Thanks to Sega's Heat Up Hockey series, you could try to break fingers while being distracted by some dynamic special effects - projected from above - and virtual targets.
Which, frankly, is a bit like trying to jazz up tennis by handing out fireworks to the spectators, and asking if they could throw them onto the court throughout the match, while farting into kettles.
Which, frankly, is a bit like trying to jazz up tennis by handing out fireworks to the spectators, and asking if they could throw them onto the court throughout the match, while farting into kettles.
5. THE LAST BARFIGHTER
A special beat 'em up created for a North Carolina chain of bars, The Last Barfighter was a mostly terrible 2D beat 'em up set in a biker bar. It has the unique incentive of dispensing a refreshing drink of lovely beer to the winner.
One has to wonder what sort of message they were trying to convey to their clientele; it's a bit like installing a bus driver-stabbing arcade game at a bus stop, and giving successful players free bus travel.
One has to wonder what sort of message they were trying to convey to their clientele; it's a bit like installing a bus driver-stabbing arcade game at a bus stop, and giving successful players free bus travel.
4. METAL GEAR ARCADE
Yes: there was a Metal Gear arcade game, developed by Kojima Productions (RIP). Notably, it used special 3D goggles, which tracked the player's head movements, along with a complicated gun controller. All of this transpired to make it a difficult game to love, and it was pulled from most arcades shortly after launching.
Let's face it: nobody was crying out for a Metal Gear arcade game, any more than they wanted, say, a Half-Life 2 arcade game...
Let's face it: nobody was crying out for a Metal Gear arcade game, any more than they wanted, say, a Half-Life 2 arcade game...
3. HALF-LIFE 2: SURVIVOR
Oh. Oh well...
Despite the first-person shoot 'em up genre being fairly unpopular in Japan, Half-Life 2: Survivor was designed to try and boost its popularity. Loosely speaking the same game that was originally available on PCs, Survivor was given a splash of arcade-like flash, and utilised a peculiar control system that used double joysticks and floor pedals.
Let's face it: nobody was crying out for a Half-Life 2 arcade game, any more than they want an arcade game based upon the simple smartphone game Jetpack Joyride...
Despite the first-person shoot 'em up genre being fairly unpopular in Japan, Half-Life 2: Survivor was designed to try and boost its popularity. Loosely speaking the same game that was originally available on PCs, Survivor was given a splash of arcade-like flash, and utilised a peculiar control system that used double joysticks and floor pedals.
Let's face it: nobody was crying out for a Half-Life 2 arcade game, any more than they want an arcade game based upon the simple smartphone game Jetpack Joyride...
2. JETPACK JOYRIDE ARCADE
For pity's sake...
1. TSUKKOMI YOUSEI GIPS NICE TSUKKOMI
Another bizarre NAMCO title, and probably the only Japanese comedy double act 'em up ever made. Indeed, players were required form a double act with a yellow dummy (again, not racist), in an attempted to make a virtual audience laugh and applaud by hitting him in the face, stomach and back as instructed.
If you want some idea of what this was like, press reveal to see the comedian Bobby Davro playing a UK version of this game.
If you want some idea of what this was like, press reveal to see the comedian Bobby Davro playing a UK version of this game.
REVEAL
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