If you say anything that might be vaguely construed as mocking Christians, one of the things they'll hit you with is "Bet you wouldn't say that about a Muslim".
Yeah, well, before you whip that one out, get a load of this: I'm embarrassed to admit that I used to go to church for years, so I feel pretty qualified to state - from an insider's perspective - the following: Christianity is weird and creepy, and I don't understand how anybody in their right mind could take it literally.
I'm not a Muslim or Jewish, so I can't say with any certainty whether Islam or Judaism is weird and creepy too. Though, let's face it, they probably are. But anyway.
I'm sure there are lots of really nice Christians - I've met some - but why do so many of them have to be so full-on about it? It's off-putting. And the worst thing is when they try to stuff their faith inside something which appears otherwise normal, like rock music, or video games. Prepare to cringe.
Yeah, well, before you whip that one out, get a load of this: I'm embarrassed to admit that I used to go to church for years, so I feel pretty qualified to state - from an insider's perspective - the following: Christianity is weird and creepy, and I don't understand how anybody in their right mind could take it literally.
I'm not a Muslim or Jewish, so I can't say with any certainty whether Islam or Judaism is weird and creepy too. Though, let's face it, they probably are. But anyway.
I'm sure there are lots of really nice Christians - I've met some - but why do so many of them have to be so full-on about it? It's off-putting. And the worst thing is when they try to stuff their faith inside something which appears otherwise normal, like rock music, or video games. Prepare to cringe.
SUNDAY FUNDAY: THE RIDE (NES)
Just as a person can be saved from a life of sin through their faith, so too can a video game.
Sunday Funday: The Ride started life as a skateboarding platformer called Menace Beach, wherein the player controlled a youth racing to rescue his girlfriend from the titular "menaces". Its most notorious element was the between-level shots of said girlfriend, who would gradually shed items of clothing, while chained to a wall.
The unlicensed game was re-released in Japan, as Miss Peach World. This time, the main character became an unofficial version of Nintendo's Princess Peach - and featured even more explicit inter-level imagery.
In a bid to get an official Nintendo licence, it was then redesigned with a Christian theme - the original skateboarding hero now racing to arrive at church in time for Sunday school. The main differences came in the redesign of those twixt-level screens (see below). It also holds the distinction of being the last ever release for the NES.
Sunday Funday: The Ride started life as a skateboarding platformer called Menace Beach, wherein the player controlled a youth racing to rescue his girlfriend from the titular "menaces". Its most notorious element was the between-level shots of said girlfriend, who would gradually shed items of clothing, while chained to a wall.
The unlicensed game was re-released in Japan, as Miss Peach World. This time, the main character became an unofficial version of Nintendo's Princess Peach - and featured even more explicit inter-level imagery.
In a bid to get an official Nintendo licence, it was then redesigned with a Christian theme - the original skateboarding hero now racing to arrive at church in time for Sunday school. The main differences came in the redesign of those twixt-level screens (see below). It also holds the distinction of being the last ever release for the NES.
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BIBLE ADVENTURES (NES)
Bible Adventures featured three games based upon Old Testament stories - Noah's Ark, Baby Moses and David & Goliath.
All were fairly liberal reinterpretations of their original stories, that were heavily influenced by Super Mario 2; Noah's Ark found him collecting animals in the woods, Baby Moses required the player to ferry the bearded infant from one end of a level to another - to protect him from being killed by Pharaoh (oddly - Moses can be flung around the level like a cabbage, without injury) - while David & Goliath features sheep-herding, and an encounter with the titular big oaf.
Inevitably, the game was interspersed with Bible verses - and proved sufficiently pious that it sold over 350,000 copies.
All were fairly liberal reinterpretations of their original stories, that were heavily influenced by Super Mario 2; Noah's Ark found him collecting animals in the woods, Baby Moses required the player to ferry the bearded infant from one end of a level to another - to protect him from being killed by Pharaoh (oddly - Moses can be flung around the level like a cabbage, without injury) - while David & Goliath features sheep-herding, and an encounter with the titular big oaf.
Inevitably, the game was interspersed with Bible verses - and proved sufficiently pious that it sold over 350,000 copies.
THE BIBLE GAME (PS2, Game Boy Advance)
The Bible Game was a jarring mix of Christian quiz show and mini games - based upon such Old Testament tales as Jonah and the Whale, the Tower of Babel, and The Parting of the Red Seas.
And if that doesn't sell you on it... "Accompanying the frantic action in these challenges are music tracks from some of the hottest Christian rock artists of the moment."
Curiously, the cover art was designed by Dave Titus, who was responsible for the original Netscape logo. That's right: Dave Tight-Arse. LOLOLOLOL.
And if that doesn't sell you on it... "Accompanying the frantic action in these challenges are music tracks from some of the hottest Christian rock artists of the moment."
Curiously, the cover art was designed by Dave Titus, who was responsible for the original Netscape logo. That's right: Dave Tight-Arse. LOLOLOLOL.
SUPER 3D NOAH'S ARK (Super NES)
Super 3D Noah's Ark was the only commercially released SNES game that was not officially licensed by Nintendo.
It was heavily ripped-off from Wolfenstein 3D, the player assuming the role of Noah, who had to fire "sleeping pellets" into the gobs of the animals in his ark - who, contrary to scripture, were mainly a load of goats and bears. Oddly, his big boat was also full of portraits of himself, suggesting a previously unexplored streak of narcissism in the bearded boat-jockey.
Here's something odd though: the game was originally developed for the NES, and was based on the movie Hellraiser. Developer Wisdom Tree paid $50,000 for the rights to the movie, and licensed the Wolfenstein engine from iD Software.
However, when it inevitably found the NES incapable of producing 3D graphics, the development dragged on so long that its Hellraiser license expired. And, of course, nobody owns the rights to The Bible, because it was written thousands of years ago, by superstitious idiots.
It was heavily ripped-off from Wolfenstein 3D, the player assuming the role of Noah, who had to fire "sleeping pellets" into the gobs of the animals in his ark - who, contrary to scripture, were mainly a load of goats and bears. Oddly, his big boat was also full of portraits of himself, suggesting a previously unexplored streak of narcissism in the bearded boat-jockey.
Here's something odd though: the game was originally developed for the NES, and was based on the movie Hellraiser. Developer Wisdom Tree paid $50,000 for the rights to the movie, and licensed the Wolfenstein engine from iD Software.
However, when it inevitably found the NES incapable of producing 3D graphics, the development dragged on so long that its Hellraiser license expired. And, of course, nobody owns the rights to The Bible, because it was written thousands of years ago, by superstitious idiots.
GUITAR PRAISE (PC)
Can there be any greater way of showing your love for our Lord than letting rip with a few "tasty licks" on a "mean axe"?
A shameless Guitar Hero/Rock Band rip-off - albeit only compatible with its own blessed guitar-shaped controllers - Guitar Praise was, as you might have assumed, a rhythm-action game that featured exclusively Christian rock songs.
52 tracks by 43 artists were included in the original game - with titles such as Same 'Ol Sinner, Jesus Freak, Rebirthing, Soldiers Under Command, and My Love (I'll Always Show).
A shameless Guitar Hero/Rock Band rip-off - albeit only compatible with its own blessed guitar-shaped controllers - Guitar Praise was, as you might have assumed, a rhythm-action game that featured exclusively Christian rock songs.
52 tracks by 43 artists were included in the original game - with titles such as Same 'Ol Sinner, Jesus Freak, Rebirthing, Soldiers Under Command, and My Love (I'll Always Show).
DANCE PRAISE (PC)
From the makers of Guitar Praise, the Dance Praise series is along the same lines - except instead of showing your faith by playing God a nice song on a pretend guitar, it implored you to dance around and stomp your feet, as if fighting off a blanket of writhing serpents.
And if dancing isn't how you would like to demonstrate your faith, the bundled dance mat could also be used for a number of worthy mini games - including a feet-controlled Tetris knock-off.
And if dancing isn't how you would like to demonstrate your faith, the bundled dance mat could also be used for a number of worthy mini games - including a feet-controlled Tetris knock-off.
THE AXYS ADVENTURES: TRUTH SEEKER (PC)
Winning Christian Game of the Year in 2007, The Axys Adventures was a 3D platform-adventure - a sort of Christian version of The Legend of Zelda. However, despite your character carrying a sword and a shield, the player was penalised for seeking violent solutions to encounters with enemies.
The publisher describes it thusly: "The story is ultimately a parable speaking of the healing and forgiveness that takes place in our lives when we give God access to our hearts, but also the danger and tragedy that occurs when we give the enemy access to our hearts by believing his lies. It's also a blast to play!"
Yeah, whatever. Sounds it.
The publisher describes it thusly: "The story is ultimately a parable speaking of the healing and forgiveness that takes place in our lives when we give God access to our hearts, but also the danger and tragedy that occurs when we give the enemy access to our hearts by believing his lies. It's also a blast to play!"
Yeah, whatever. Sounds it.
CAPTAIN BIBLE IN DOME OF DARKNESS (PC)
A game which mixes arcade action with - thrillingly - "scripture memorisation", players assumed the role of the heroic Captain Bible - who is sent into a city to rescue it from an army of evil robots. Though he has no superpowers of his own, Captain Bible is nevertheless schooled in Bible verse. Which, basically, makes him a vicar in a morph suit and cape. Which is only slightly more creepy than what they wear already.
Though Captain Bible is equipped with an electronic Bible - so that he can bring the scriptures to the besieged city - the device has been erased. Consequently, Captain Bible must visit "scripture stations" to restore his electronic Bible, and save the city through its teachings.
Also: beat 'em up stages!
Though Captain Bible is equipped with an electronic Bible - so that he can bring the scriptures to the besieged city - the device has been erased. Consequently, Captain Bible must visit "scripture stations" to restore his electronic Bible, and save the city through its teachings.
Also: beat 'em up stages!
JESUS IN SPACE (PC)
Uh... Jesus in Space is an adventure game starring young Lieutenant Stu Dent and his dubiously adult friend Captain Paul Hammer, following them as they bring the Gospel to alien planets, like a couple of outer space missionaries. There are three planets to visit - Whammo, Ice Moon Alpha, and Vet.
These screenshots might give you a better idea of what players could expect from this ghastly nonsense.
These screenshots might give you a better idea of what players could expect from this ghastly nonsense.
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THE WAR IN HEAVEN (PC)
A Christian message disguised as a first-person slash 'em up, The War In Heaven finds the player defending Heaven from the invading hordes of Hell. Interestingly, it allows the player to choose which side to join with. Inevitably, the game goes out of its way to point out the error of your ways should you choose to align with Satan.
The game's stated aim was to offer "Bible-based entertainment to Christians while at the same time introducing non-believers to the eternal truths of the Word of God."
Hilariously, one of the most powerful weapons in the game is a big trumpet.
The game's stated aim was to offer "Bible-based entertainment to Christians while at the same time introducing non-believers to the eternal truths of the Word of God."
Hilariously, one of the most powerful weapons in the game is a big trumpet.
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